Why are some husbands SO insensitive?

pushgal84

I'm currently going through a miscarriage of a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks, which began yesterday morning. I had 7 days of positive tests, then one negative and the following day the bleeding started. This was our first month TTC baby #1.

Now for the rant....
I had been texting with my DH throughout the day yesterday letting him know what was going on and making it clear about feeling pretty upset and disappointed, not to mention the physical discomfort. When he got home I got a hug and a kiss and then it was business as usual for him, acting like nothing was going on! We had made a New Year's resolution to work out everyday and he had the nerve to ask me if I had worked out! When I got upset, he couldn't understand why that was a terrible question.

Normally he's such a sweet, considerate, understanding and supportive man, but it's almost like since we never had a doctor confirm the pregnancy that it never existed and I'm just crazy and it's AF, just coming a little late. He even verified the BFP's on several tests. Since it was only 5 weeks along, we hadn't told anyone and was counting on him to be my rock. I'm just really annoyed by his lack of empathy and wondered if anyone else had a similar experience...

missgore04

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how early it may have been, once you see that positive test, it's official! My husband also seems to keep forgetting what's going on. I know he hasn't forgotten, but they're honestly just terrible with expressing their emotions. We found out two weeks prior to our m/c that the sac was empty, but he contuined to stay positive and tried to tell me everything would be fine. He was doing what he thought was best. I still see that he struggles with how to tell people who ask how I am what has happened. To me, it's so clear cut, to him, he doesn't completely understand. I wish they did! I will be thinking of you. Maybe your husband will find someone who has been through a similar situation that can help. That's what happened with us and that seemed to help a little. Take care, hun!

tumbleweed123

missgore04 when she says that it was still a baby -no matter how early you lost it and no matter what, you loved the baby and that's all that counts.  I also agree that maybe your husband could talk to another guy friend who has lost a baby...maybe he would be able to open up to a friend? You need to allow yourself time to feel sad and even if your husband is moving on quickly and not able to express sadness now, you need to allow yourself time to feel however you are feeling. There are many women on this site who are experiencing loss and understand you.  I'm so sorry you are going through this...hugs...

francisc

Hi! I'm so sorry you feel that your husband is not supportive enough.  But try to understand too that people (and esp men) just seem to grieve or feel pain in a different way from us women.  I've read posts here that mirror what you're going through, so you should know that you're not alone.  I've occasionallly felt that DH deosnt feel the pain as much as I have, but never doubt that they don't feel the hurt/pain/disappointment that we're going through.  I just chalk it up to men having difficulty expressing themselves. 

Hugs to you!

aezimmerman

Sorry to hear about your loss and lack of support. My husband was emotional at first when I lost the baby, but has fallen back to pretty much normal. I, on the other hand, feel like I am riding an emotional roller coaster by myself. I think that is why I sought out support on discussion boards like this one. That being said, I have had some heart to heart conversations with my hubby and made it crystal clear (subtle never works with him) that not only do I feel very upset and raw, but that I feel like he doesn't get it. Since then he has been trying to be there for me. However, like others have said, his grief process is very different from mine. He is more apt to accept that loss is a part of life; moving on is easier for him. Other than trying to communicate with him again, I will have to defer to the other suggestions for dealing with your DH. I sincerely hope you are able to get the support you need during this tough time.