Pity Party for One (vent)

poohniki

You know that feeling when we find out someone else is pregnant? The saying “Happy for you, but sorry for me” feeling? Lately this is all I’ve been feeling- sorry for myself. It’s not even when a fertile announces a pregnancy, but instead it is more than once a day. I have so much anger- and so much pity for myself. I find myself constantly comparing my struggle to others- which leads to the whole “Happy for you, sorry for me” feeling. Whenever I read about someone’s protocol using injectables- I’m happy for them because this will greatly improve their chances and sorry for me because there is little to improve my chances. When I hear about having 6, 7, 10, 20+ follicles during a cycle, there is that feeling again. And when eggs are mature, embryos turn into blast and are frozen for use some other time- I think, “wow” that will never be me. The odd thing is- I still think somehow, I’ll become pregnant- I have to become pregnant- I just don’t know how.

DH has already given up on using his own sperm since we haven’t had much luck and he’s done with the surgeries (2 TESE & 2 MESE). I know my next step is going the donor egg route, which has been a struggle for me for a while. But knowing my DH is already out- the decision is well- there is a lot to grieve.

I hate that I’ve read every published article on my condition, 3 medical textbook chapters, had 4 conversations with my RE and I still feel like I know nothing about it. I hate that ‘supposedly’ I can get pregnant without IVF- just not with my DH- and I hate even more that my DH can be a genetic father using IVF- just not with me. I know IF is unfair- it sucks- and I’ve never hated anything so much… I just also hate the negative person it’s made me. I’ve tried so hard to be positive and supportive- but it’s getting harder and harder. 

O2girl

I'm sorry you are feeling down. IF is really very unfair. The what ifs are the worst part. I hope your spirits are lifted soon. Xoxoxo

BRaven985

Wow....I didn't know the details of your situation and that has to be unbelievably difficult.  I can certainly understand the struggle to be positive and supportive.  I am so sorry and hope that you and your DH find your happiness....one way or another.  Hugs!

Twinkie0612

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I am sending you a big hug.

I can't imagine exactly what you are going through, but I do understand the "Happy for you, sorry for me" moments.  After IVF #1 I would congratulate posters on having 10 or 15 eggs retrieved and all I could think about is that we got 6.  After IVF #2 I would see people post the question about SET or double transfer or see someone post about having frosties and think that we never got that choice because we only had one embryo make it to blast. 

I've thrown lots of pity parties for myself (one even ended with too much alcohol and a major hangover) over the last few months, but I do know that I am not ready to give up.  If that means changing our plans, I will do it.  It will be hard, but I will do it.

Take care of yourself right now and don't worry about being positive or supportive.  Do what you need to do for you.  You can go back to being positive and supportive when you are ready. 

RunCC37

((((((((hugs))))))))

rlk2

Big huge hugs! I hate the person this whole process has made me! I think it is a necessary part of this process to have those poor me times....it helps me to cope in some strange And twisted way. We are all here for you and you WILL get your baby!!!

Lady2010

I am so sorry!!  I am sending you lots of hugs.  I know nothing I say can make you feel better, but please know that you are in my thoughts.  

BRaven985

@IFinTN that was all SOOO perfectly said....I couldn't agree more with it. 

And I definitely recommend to "pop off a few at the firing range."  That was how I handled when DH and I weren't seeing eye to eye and took a long break....did me wonders!

MrsZ816

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish I had something better to say than a "this really sucks" since you always have such supportive words for others but I don't.

FishyMom

This breaks my heart. I know that we can't say that we understand due to The uniqueness of your diagnosis, but I'm sure we can all say that we understand the "happy for you, sad for me" feeling. I love the positive view of you just knowing that something is going to work to get pregnant. A lot of times on my down days I feel the exact same way, something has to work. I think you have to go to the dark days to see the brighter ones, and I'm sure that's just what you're going through right now. Big hugs to you!!

mmhopeful

I totally get it.  You are the MOST SUPPORTIVE of everyone here and deserve all that back and more today. I'm glad you posted and did not suffer in silence.  If it's one thing I've learned, the isolation of IF can be so debilitating.  Knowing others can relate to you, yet still support you, matters.  I have my days and in the scheme of all of this, seeing the journeys of others hurts, but also helps.  I know that I'm not alone, yet it upsets me that good people are struggling to have what others have so naturally.  

At my appointment today, I saw a slew of people who have seen me at my best, and at my lowest as well.  Knowing that I can pick myself up, walk in there again, and with a smile, makes me feel like I can do anything.  I even wore my 3T socks from a sock exchange.  

However we all need support, the important thing is to let others know how you feel.  There is NO JUDGEMENT from any of us and having "moments" throughout our struggles....they are just that...moments...just know, "this too shall pass" and I hope that you feel strengthened by this and other posts.  You CAN get through this and continue to be a bright light to me and to so many others.  Don't be hard on yourself and know that you aren't alone.  

 (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

FishyMom

I wish I had the ability to find words like @ifintn and @mmhopeful. Kudos to both of you ladies, I wish I had that ability. And I'm so glad you girls are on here to pull her up with your gift! ((Hugs)) to you girls too!

poohniki

Thanks- 

I think I just needed a vent. @IFinTN- Thank you for your words. I was feeling bad about not being supportive when it's hard to be sad for someone when you wish you were in their shoes. @mmhopeful- Thank you. I know this feeling won't last forever and sometimes you just need to get it out. I thank everyone here for allowing me to do that. 

I am taking the day to do some arts and crafts (yay for a snow day). I think it's a great idea to do something just for me- even though what I'm making is for someone else. Its very relaxing to just draw and create. 

I love everyone here and am thankful for the feeling of a community we are able to build. I'm very private about IF and other than my therapist, you girls are the only ones I tell. I wish IRL more people actually cared about me and what I was going through than those people who are just gossips and want to know for the sake of knowing. 

RunCC37

IFinTN said:

I feel like every line that gets added to a signature takes us all one step closer to our finish line, wherever we decide that line lies and what it looks like.  We each have our own path and our own finish line waiting for us.  Sometimes that means dropping everything and letting your life revolve around IF....sometimes that means taking back pieces of joy in your life despite IF. Those of us who are planners suffer...those of us who "go with the flow" suffer...our families and SOs suffer (albeit differently).  Some suffer more than others...I'll probably get flamed for saying it--but not all IF is created equal, I can see that in every signature line I read; however, the feeling of wanting something so bad and not getting it when you planned IS an equalizer.  I've found that those that could kick the crap out of me in the pain olympics are some of the most supportive and amazing women I know.....

@poohniki  You are amazing for providing support and encouragement here DESPITE having these feelings. It is OK to be happy for someone else and feel sorry for yourself at the same time.  It really is.  So don't feel bad for one second for having those thoughts--I think you are giving yourself a double whammy by feeling sorry for yourself and then feeling bad for feeling sorry.  

The feeling I worry about is bitterness because it just seems to eat away at the soul and light of those who become bitter all the time.  Do whatever you need to do to avoid that feeling from becoming "all the time"--take a bump break, talk it out with a counselor, medicate, meditate, pray, scream, cry, start a fight club, pop off a few at a firing range, cuddle with your SO, play with your critters (or go get more critters), watch pygmy goats (yeah--I'm talking to you @o2girl!), eat a whole chocolate cake (and then go for a bike ride, which I say for the benefit of my nutritionist) find ways to make you laugh...whatever it takes.  I would hate to see such a bright soul as you become permanently bitter.  

I feel that way for everyone here. I pray for each and every one of the ladies here and everywhere going through IF. So even if you have days where you can't be positive for yourself...know that at least someone out there on this board is holding tight to it for you. 

@IFinTN, that was absolutely beautifully said. I agree with every word (especially the bolded). Poohniki, you are an amazing, wonderful, beautiful person! Enjoy your crafty snow day, and remember that you are loved!!! 

happygirl1013

Honestly, as I read this post, it eerily reminds me of exactly how I feel.  Your feelings are 100% reasonable- and you get the point when you're like "how much is enough"?  Seems like you have gotten to the point where you've reaching a breaking point and you need to decide if going forward is worth it.  I hope the support of this lovely group of women and your friends & family helps you find the strength to carry on the a donor.  

For me, when I get super down, I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky we haven't exhausted 100% of the options yet (e.g., donor sperm or donor embryo), and that I need to carry on.  

You need to do what's best for you.  But know you have TONS of ladies here cheering you on.  I'm hoping someday this IF journey will be a mere distant memory as we are all on the playground together with our little ones.  Somedays that seems impossible, but I know we all can get there somehow.

HUGS.

LSN8308

pp have said everything so eloquently, just wanted to show my support as well and send more hugs and well wishes your way.

Tea+

Awes. I hope you have a wonderful snow day! IF Does totally suck and I know I feel horrible at times saying "why me" "why does this have to be so hard" It can suck the life out of you at times. You are most definitely entitled to feel every feeling. It's more then hard at times but with the wonderful support I've read through on this forum only makes me realize that each of us can make it another day no matter how we feel because we have the support of some lovely ladies who are all going through or have been through what we have. Some small act of kindness or supportive words go a million miles to one who needs them at that moment. So Kudos to all of you who make a difference and I'm sending each and everyone of you the very best wishes in your Journey. [:
(kay, was that a bit sappy? I'm totally done being a sap now. must be the follitism) haha.

TaylorH84

I am so sorry you are feeling down!! IF sucks so bad. You are an amazing person and have always given great words of advice on here. I hope things get better for you and you take time for yourself. Xoxoxo

babydreams13

SO sorry. I often have a pity party for myself. I am also happy for others but sad for myself.  There are people with way worse issues than me and still they become pregnant and I don't. Doesn't make any sense. I get frustrated with my diagnosis of unexplained bc we have no idea what is wrong and have had so many failures (see siggy).  

I'm not sure if I will ever be pregnant but all I can do is keep on trying.  If DH was on board with adopting then I would of went that route already.  

Hang in there.  IF sucks but try to remain hopeful.  I am always hoping for a miracle.  

herecomesthesun

You are one of the sweetest, most supportive people on this board. I'm holding out hope for you. No matter what. I hope you are able to get to a better place because you have lots of people here sending their love and support.

CameraBug131

I could not going through this process without you! You have been a lifesaver several times, esp the time when I almost injected myself with water. There are no words to describe what IF does. It's unfair enough without having to deal with the ppl around us, too. Enjoy your snow day and FX for a BFP soon! 

Sunny B

Oh honey.. I'm so sorry. So many cruel catch 22's with IF. I wish you only the best and I'm here for you.

OutdoorGirl10

Pity parties of one are needed here and there during this whole process. I'm glad you channeled some energy into arts & crafts, I hope that brought you some peace as the day went on. And if it didn't, consider purposely making something really ugly and then destroying it to let some anger and frustration out.   Hugs!