Special Needs

Ladies, I need some advice.

DD (7w) EBF, and DS (4.5yo) has ADHD and defiance issues, we have a dog and cat, and DH who works 40-50hours a week, but I think frankly, he has adhd too.

Regarding DH, unless I tell him what I need at that moment I need it, no matter how much I tell him (talking heart-to-heart, lists, notes or nag and scream) the participation is there for a day or two, but then he zones out again. Its like having a teenager in the house sometimes - either he is present or his back is turned, there is no in between for him. That being said, he still likes to hang out at the house with us, and he very much loves his family. This has always been DH's personality, its just sometimes Mommy wants to take a break too. Our household is like the movie, "Look Who's Talking 2"


A couple of difficulties we're/I'm having with DS is:

As an example, when DD is sleeping he will want to touch her face, grab her hands. Now, while these are gestures of love, when we say, "No buddy, leave her alone, she is sleeping." He will hyper-focus on her, pushing his way around us so he could do what he wants, now he is 45lbs so needless to say its...its a little nervewracking. This also happens with her toys (pacis, blankets etc) its as though his mind his calling him, urging him to touch these objects, to place them on her even if everyone is saying don't touch. Is this a phase? Is this attention? Pre-DD he was a fairly good listener, now...he does test the boundaries more. Some days are better than others too.

I also try to have DS get out energy for 20min a day, but sometimes when he gets over-stimulated overheated in this case) the defiance comes out. I've had the police get called, because his tantrum (screaming) was so out of control in public that someone thought I was hurting him. I handle the tantrums now by telling him that we will wait (in a safe spot) until he behaves & calms down, when he does we talk about it, apologize and move on. Now, yesterday he had tantrum after tantrum when he was out on a bike ride. One time we had to stop, and he kept trying to walk into the road (we were in a grassy patch) and attempted to bite me when I was holding his bike (example of an activity stopping until he behaves). Now I didn't have DD with me (DH was watching her), but I couldn't imagine if I did. Any words of wisdom? Will I be able to take both children out?

DS is also so busy, that pre-DD I wasn't nervous taking him out. Now I don't know what to do if I need to nurse in public. Do I nurse in the car before I leave? I know some mommies who do that, and bring an electronic device to distract them while we wait, but I can't always do that - he can't be glued to the devices. Any advice from moms who've been there?

I'm just nervous to me in a situation where physically I won't be able to handle it. While I am looking for good advice, I am also noticing I'm burning the candle at both ends, which is a sign of me needing a break. I have pumped enough milk for a bottle or two, so I think I may take a couple of hours by myself, which DH is more than willing to do. He seems to fair well when I leave the kids with him too.

/passes out from exhaustion.
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Re: Ladies, I need some advice.

  • With regards to nursing your DD when you're out--has she gotten to the point where she's an efficient eater?  By about 8 weeks old, DD2 could finish a feeding in 5 minutes.  When we went out places, I would get DD2 out of her seat, feed her quickly with the car still running and the music on, and then strap her in the carrier and get DD1 out of the car.  This wouldn't have worked if DD2 had been a slow eater, but since she was fast it never bothered DD1 to wait.

    My older DD doesn't have a high degree of impulsivity, so I didn't worry that she would bolt when I was out with both of them, though.

    ITA that you need to find some relief.  If you can't find a sitter, are there any daycares around you that allow for drop-in or hourly care?  I use Kindercare for DD2 when I need to take DD1 to therapy or swimming lessons--it's great.  They have a set daily schedule, so I when I send DD2, I try to pick a time where I know they'll be having a snack or going outside.  Friday is "cookie day" so she always loves it when I send her on a Friday afternoon :)  I usually only need to send her for 2-3 hours at a time, and they've always been able to take her.
  • Auntie:
    I should clarify, we were biking on the street and DS saw some kids playing in a grassy area. So, he got off his bike and ran to them to see if he could join them; but they didn't want DS to join in, they don't know him. He decided to ignore their preference, and (much like with DD) when we said its time to leave the kids alone he pushed the issue more.

    I think your right though, it simply isn't wise to take both DS & DD out for long/high energy places until DS's difficulties are in more control. I have the book, but I haven't started reading it until yesterday - great reviews though, and I hope it helps.

    DS is better behaved with DH over anyone else, so I feel comfortable leaving him alone with him. :)

    Mrszee2b:
    She is efficient, but its 15min or so...unless she cluster feeds.
    Sadly we don't have a drop-off play group in our area, it would be awesome if we did.
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  • I bet she'll be faster in a few weeks.

    It's not a drop-off playgroup.  It's a daycare that allows for drop-in care.  You could call around the daycares in your area and see if any of them can accommodate that.  Lots of them do, but people don't always know that.  It costs a little more than it would cost/hr for a babysitter, but it works well for my needs.
    Princess_Lily
  • Yesterday I took DS & DD to my 6w post op, and it went well...but busy.

    On the way home, DD needed to nurse so I pulled into a church parking lot, gave DS the tablet and was able to nurse. I'm ashamed that I had to use the thing, but it give us the 15 minutes I needed.
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  • Yesterday I took DS & DD to my 6w post op, and it went well...but busy. On the way home, DD needed to nurse so I pulled into a church parking lot, gave DS the tablet and was able to nurse. I'm ashamed that I had to use the thing, but it give us the 15 minutes I needed.
    Don't feel bad--you needed to feed the baby.  Things change quickly with babies.  In a few months her feedings will be more spaced out, and it will be easier to plan outings.
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