***Siggy warning***Question for a grieving friend

ndpoole

Let me begin by saying that you and your little ones are all in my hearts.

Unfortunately, a friend of mine gave birth to her son on Dec 18th and lost him a few hours later (he was full term). I do not know the details as this was all of the information I received yesterday afternoon from her sister in law. My friend has totally shut down (not eating, drinking, talking) and I want to do something but I don't know what to do. Is there anything that you found helpful that you don't mind sharing?

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

First of all, we send condolences to your friend. 

Second, it depends on how close you are to said friend. If you are very close, going over and helping her around the house and bringing her a meal would be a good idea. If you are not close friends, send a card. 

She will need to go through the grieving process and it is different for everyone. Because you are also expecting, you may not be the best resource for her right now as seeing you pregnant could be a trigger for her loss. But just letting her know that you care is a good idea (card, facebook message, etc.)

ndpoole

Thank you @Noethola.

Heatherhah

Honestly the best thing people did for us was sent meals to our house and family came and cleaned and helped out around our house after our daughter died. I had a c section so I wasn't able to do a lot right after she passed away. The food helped since my hubby and I were in no shape to cook.

Heather

Carolee

I added a warning in your post title. You've received some good advice. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

ndpoole

Thank you; I didn't realize.

Carolee

No worries! We used to have "etiquette guidelines" and helpful info at the top of the board but it got lost when TB reformatted. One of our members made this wonderful blog that might be helpful to you also: https://thelossblog.blogspot.com/

schulme2

I agree that you may want to physically stay away. The hardest thing was to see my sister with a healthy pregnancy when mine ended so abruptly (and that's my sister who I am sooo close with). Sending meals is very helpful and just texts/cards letting her know you're thinking of her.

stefuge

First off, your friend is blessed to have a friend who is so concerned for her. I would agree that sending a card, a text, saying something is so important. So many people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Don't say a lot, because words sometimes hurt unintentionally, but a simple "I'm sorry, I love you, I'm here for you, you are not alone" is amazing. Also, bringing a meal is a big help.

That being said, the fact that you are pregnant will most likely be really difficult for her. I am 4 months from my loss, and am avoiding pregnant women and moms with newborns like the plague. It's a sad reality. Let her know you are there, you are thinking of her, but also realize she may need some space.

VyD81

Personally I did not want to talk to anyone or reply to text messages about our loss for a few weeks and avoided talking to a lot of people. We received flowers and plants from friends just letting us know that they care and that was really comforting. Maybe you can send a card or flowers to her.

TwinkleTor

stefuge said:

First off, your friend is blessed to have a friend who is so concerned for her. I would agree that sending a card, a text, saying something is so important. So many people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Don't say a lot, because words sometimes hurt unintentionally, but a simple "I'm sorry, I love you, I'm here for you, you are not alone" is amazing. Also, bringing a meal is a big help.




That being said, the fact that you are pregnant will most likely be really difficult for her. I am 4 months from my loss, and am avoiding pregnant women and moms with newborns like the plague. It's a sad reality. Let her know you are there, you are thinking of her, but also realize she may need some space.

I thought I was the only one avoiding pregnant woman and new borns. I just get so angry when I see them. I'm 4 months out and it still hurts like yesterday. But in confident it will get easier.

I had a friend set up takethemameal.com and that was such a beautiful gesture. I'm a teacher and almost all the families in my class made food for me when I returned to work after my maternity leave. I had dinner every other day for a whole month! It was so helpful and very appreciative for both me and my husband.

Dixon813

~~Siggy Warning~~


I'm so very sorry for your friend's loss - she and her family will be in my prayers.

What others have mentioned - cards and food are great.  It might, however, be difficult for her to see you pregnant when she isn't/just lost her baby (if that makes sense).  So maybe just drop off food/have it delivered.

I want to really reiterate sending cards.  Receiving cards meant so, so much to me - even if the card just said "sorry for your loss" or "you're in our prayers."  I'd also recommend continuing to send cards to remind her you're thinking about her.

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for your friends loss. It sounds like she's grieving for her child in about the same way that many of us did (certainly as I did). I didn't sleep or eat for days, I didn't want to see anyone out take phone calls. I wouldn't even answer the door for the florist when he brought the dozens of arrangements that were sent to us. I know it can be concerning to see a friend "shut down", but it's part of her process and she likely needs to do it to begin healing. It's kind of you to want to help. When we lost our son the best way people reached out to us was to let us know that they wanted to help however they could and then backed off and waited for us to look to them. They cooked us meals, sent us cards, talked to us about our son. They said his name. Be there for your friend when she wants you, but don't force it on her. It could take days or months, but either is ok. Be patient with her. There are no rules for grieving. Everyone is different.