Intro-suggestions, DH not on board with EBF

happywifemomofone

My husband and I talked before baby and agreed that breastfeeding our LO is best.  We are now about 12 days in, exhausted, and my husband wants me to change to EFF.  I do not want to EFF.  We had a rough start and had to supplement early with formula because of jaundice.  Then they made us meet with lactation about low weight gain.  My son was 8lb8oz at birth, dropped to 8lbs and stayed there a few days.  He is now up to 8lb4oz, we are pumping after feedings to stimulate milk production-and bottlefeeding another 1/2-1oz BM after each feed.  I think his weight gain is fine and all the pumping and bottlefeeding is to cause me increased frustration and encourage me to give up.

My husband has been a slow, albeit eager, learner about all things parenting.  He has difficulty calming baby.  Does not want to swaddle, because he wouldn't want movement restricted in that way.  He takes babys rooting behavior very personally, telling baby "I don't have a boob."  He often becomes frustrated and hands baby back to me, saying that he wants to eat.  Tonight it was snowing ang I left my husband with baby for just under an hour while I ran for a movie and food.  He said that our son cried the whole time I was gone, he was fed when I left.  My husband verbalized tht he wishes that I would come to my senses and just give up on BF.  My husband is not well educated on the benefits of BF, no one in his family has ever nursed and he sees it as a barrier to him being an effective parent.  I only have 8 weeks off work, and am cherishing every moment feeding our little guy.  My husband is disabled and there will be PLENTY of opportunities to give bottles in our future.  Is he jealous?, he says no......but right now it seems so easy to blame BF for the challenging parts of early parenting.  I am exhausted.  Have been considering idea of EP or supplementing with formula.  To pump more, I need to get a better pump-planning to rent a hospital grade Medela.  Anyone else have issues with your husband supporting breastfeeding? any tips, advice?

cinderin

When we first came home we had a lot of issues with BF. DS was just a fussy baby, no two ways about it. He is "high maintenance" and was pretty much sleeping, eating or crying until he was about 3 months old, got much better at 4 months. 

DS had 10% weight loss (6lbs 4oz at birth - he is small). We were doing the same thing you are, feeding every two hours (or more often) and pumping after each feeding. Getting 45 minutes of sleep (seriously) a crying baby (and sometimes a crying mom, I would cry "I just want to BF my baby"). And my DH wanted to "help". He wanted to "fix" what he viewed as the problem. 

I had to be very serious with him (which was hard with no sleep, upset myself about BF and PP hormones). I still remember crying and looking at DH square in the face and telling him he would knock off suggesting we give a bottle (FF) and be supportive. I told him I needed him to pretend there was no alternative - that we must BF. I told him he wan't allowed to discuss FF again. I was very serious and very specific that I expected 100% BF support. 

He saw how serious I was about it, how hard I was working on it. I also provided him with some information about the benefits of BF for DS. It took a few days and I think I might have had to repeat myself a couple times ("I don't want to hear that" when he mentioned FF) but he came around. 

He is now such a huge fan. He sees what it has meant to me and he sees how DS is healthy and how much BF relaxes him (he sometimes nurses to sleep - our fussy/high maintenance baby!). 

BF was one of the hardest things I have ever done and it didn't help that right when I was struggling the most - I had to stand up to my DH too. It was really, really hard. 

DH is a good husband (we have been married almost 10 years) and a really really good dad, but he saw us struggling and wanted to help/fix the problem. His mom FF. He just didn't understand. 

BF can be so very hard. I hope you are able to get him to be supportive. 

SnoopyLuv

He needs to go to the pediatrician with you and you need to ask the pediatrician "This is how my LO behaves, is this true of all NBs or just BF newborns?" Then the pedi can set him straight that all newborns 1) root, 2) prefer their mothers 3) want to eat all the time 4) NEED to be swaddled.

Many Men don't realize just how much a NB changes your world. He'll have to come to terms with that. But priority #1 is being supportive of you. And tell him if he can't be supportive, he needs to keep his mouth shut - you're doing whats best for your LO.

.How awful would you feel if you switched to formula (or EPing which will make your life hell) because your DH wants to "bond" with a bottle and STILL hands baby back to you because baby will still prefer Mama. It's how babies are programmed. It's nothing against him. Newborns are not fun, they really don't get fun until 10 or so weeks when they smile and stop being lumps that cry, poop and eat. And even then they're only fun for a minute or two.

I suggest you Google some info on the "fourth trimester" and Happiest Baby on the Block and have him read it. Maybe then he'll understand what your LO needs right now is you.

kjsmith9

I agree with theresa - I would tell him to STFU.  DH and I talked about BFing prior to DD's arrival, and even though neither of us had ANY idea how hard it was going to be, he never once said anything to me about giving up.  I probably would've cried my eyes out for 10 minutes and then flipped out at him if he did - I was so emotionally unstable at 2 weeks post partum lol...

Take him to the pediatrician.  Give him stuff to read.  And stick to your guns.  Newborns are supposed to want to be attached to you most of the time - it's normal!  I'm willing to bet I was either on the couch nursing, or in the rocking chair nursing, 75% of the day for the first 3-4 weeks.  And don't be fooled into thinking exclusive pumping is going to be easier - most of the mamas on here who EP talk about how it's way more work.  Hang in there!

XmasDivine

I would get some resources/education! Hubs and I went to LC, breastfeeding course, and baby 101 before LO showed up! Without these we would both have been clueless and I am SURE DH would have felt the same way! But you NEED support if you are going to keep up EBF and I highly recommend that you do.. because changing to formula is just going to add more problems, not get rid of the ones that you are having. Also like PP said.. babies just root.. and newborns want the boob all of the time.. and thank God for that because I have no idea what we would have done to comfort our LO without BFing! Oh also 'fourth trimester' theory we looked into that before LO arrived also and it really helped put baby in perspective! now she is 15 weeks and a wee monster! DH has absolutely bonded But he used the first two weeks to bond with her in other ways.. he did 90% of the diaper changes, and learned how to swaddle like a MAD MAN! He rocked her to sleep after I would nurse her Now he rocks her to bed after I nurse her every night - it's his thing So also work on things for your DH to have responsibility for! my DH took on the diapering because he would be doing that while I set myself up to nurse her, and then he would bring her to me! Y'all can get through this!

noelani42

I don't have much to add but I did experience the same thing and once he saw I wasn't budging he gave in and started supporting me...it took about 8 weeks for me to feel pretty comfortable and for him to start seeing how important it was to me and for her

Chichigo

My husband likes holding the baby in the carrier once I'm finished feeding him. He goes about doing whatever he had planned-video games, watching tv, arguing politics on Facebook- and baby is content to nap listening to daddy's heartbeat, until he's hungry again. This means we sleep in shifts, but it works for us. Eta: once he's in the carrier, the baby usually calms down right away. It's a similar feel tobeing swaddled, and he doesn't care which of us holds him.

happywifemomofone

Thanks ladies.......I appreciate all the support to continue EBF.  I am going to go to library and check out Happiest Baby on the Block.  It's been a rough couple weeks.  I spoke with my husband today and he's more supportive.  He says he's going to create a "man boob", which just makes me LOL.  Great to have a community of ladies who understand the challenges of BF.

musicalmama5

It's pretty normal for dads to feel left out in the very beginning. My DH took the position of "she takes care of the baby, I take care of her" and brought me food while I nursed, brought fresh glasses of water at night, etc. I would highly recommend this! 

Once LO is old enough to play with Daddy, you may actually start to feel left out. My DS is almost 10 months and at this point, he says "dada" when he's having fun and "mama" when he's crying, so that tells you something about each of our relationships with DS!

Try to gently educate your DH about how amazing BF is and remind him that very soon (I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but the next few months are going to fly by) LO will be bonding with him, albeit in a completely different way from how you bond.

But above all, stick to your guns! BF is the best gift you can give your LO.

lilies&orchids

Newborns are difficult, regardless of the feeding method (DS1 was FF), and breastfeeding is also very challenging, but so worth it!

I agree with PPs suggestion of happiest baby on the block. It sounds like your husband thinks that feeding is the only thing that soothes a baby and that is not true. Why does he think that EFF will solve the problem? A couple of soothing methods we used were swaddling (it's a must, really), white noise (or vacuum sound) and a baby swing.

I hope he becomes supportive, the first couple of months were so hard for me. I gave up BFing with my first son because I thought he wasn't getting enough, I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't have these wonderful ladies of The Bump at my fingertips! That was 5 years ago and now with DS2, DH and I were determined to make it work and now I'm at almost 5 months EBF.

Many men just don't deal well with the newborn stage. I agree with what some PPs said, you take care of the baby and DH takes care of you. DH was always making sure that I had plenty of water and snacks while I was nursing in the early days. He would even make a hot breakfast for me because otherwise, he knew that I wouldn't get around to eating.

Kind of off topic, but I would also recommend that you and your DH look at the Wonder Weeks so that DH can have a better idea of the stages babies go through. Baby will get fussy and cry and it will have nothing to do with feeding - that's just how they are! I hope it gets better for you!

kelli&dave

Before our son was born, my husband said some really upsetting things about breastfeeding. I guess he had known several women who tried and failed and assumed it would be too difficult for me. It hurt me to hear him say that he didn't think i could do it. I was so mad at him. Especially at the beginning when things were difficult and I thought he was right :0( Not the early support a new mother needs, that's for sure.

Now, 11 weeks in, he is much more supportive. He is sure to let me know how proud of me he is...

Like pps have said, he probably feels alienated. It will pass. Your LO is still very young and very attached to mama. I know my husband was getting quite discouraged when i'd hand him a quiet, content baby and all of the sudden he would just cry and cry until he was back in my arms. you are a great comfort to your child right now, but dad will be soon. I've recently gone back to work part time and DS and DH have had some quality time together. Now that he is a little older, DS loves playing with dad. They've bonded so much over the past couple of weeks. Now my husband gets to make the little guy smile and laugh and it brings such a light to his eyes   things will get better.