Is this normal for a stepdaughter/stepmother relationship?

ladybug2785

Hello ladies, I am usually a lurker on this board but I've been meaning to ask a question about some changes I've noticed with my stepdaughter.

Some background information, DH and BM share equal everything for my 6 year old stepdaughter, and they each get her the same amount of nights with the alternating 2/5/5/2 parenting schedule but we have SD more because I am a stay at home mom to my son and I have SD every week day no matter whose parenting day it is. I make her breakfast, take her to school and pick her up from school, pack her lunches, do her homework every night...and I've been in her life since she was 1 so the changes I've been noticing seem very strange.

You see she's been, for lack of a better word, mean to me lately. Rolling her eyes, talking back, not listening to me at all, saying rude things under her breath, being especially mean to DS trying to break his toys, pinch him, push him.

DH notices all this but says it's just a phase. But I think if it were a phase then she would act this way towards him too. But that's not the case. DH says that BM isn't very motherly towards SD, which is true with what we've seen...BM, DH and I all went to the circus together with DS and SD and SD referred to me for all the things BM should have done, like getting her food, putting on her coat, taking her to the restroom, etc all the while BM wasn't acting interested in SD at all. She barely talked to SD at all, so much so that SD just started talking only to me and DH. BM acts this way at school functions and soccer games too, so while it is no indication of how BM and SD are at BM's house, it leads DH to think that SD is jealous of DS and my relationship in regards to her own mom. I'm not quite sure this is true because I treat her the same as I would DS. I agree that there may be some underlying resentment somewhere, but I just don't know.

Is there nothing I can do? DH seems to imply that we just grin and bare it, but I don't like being treated this way and I think whether it's a phase or not, we should do something. Or is this normal of stepchildren towards their stepparents as they get older? DH and I are expecting again and I'm afraid the introduction of another sibling may make things worse.

Does anyone have an advice or experience with this?

ldmessing

yes what you are experiencing is normal

cole2144

Most likely she is angry at her mother but because she trusts you and you are there for her, she takes it out on you. She is probably afraid that her mother will just pay her even less attention if she expresses her anger.

sierrasc

It sounds like she's being a normal kid. Even though, according to what you are saying, this isn't typical behavior for her, kids have a way of sometimes stumping us with their emotions. I'm going through a similar thing with my oldest SS.

You probably have tried talking to her about it, but if not, then maybe take some time and sit down just the two of you and have a chat. Also, and this is just a suggestion since I obviously don't know the particulars of your situation, if the disrespect towards you continues, perhaps some type of consequences to reinforce to her that you are a parent towards her would help get her out of that "funk" so to speak. Again, I don't know if you have tried this or not, but it might help.

fellesferie

DS is 8 and sometimes goes out of his way to be mean to me. He'll fight with DH (his stepdad) sometimes, but the kid will get just brutal with me. I'm also a SAHM and by virtue of that spend more time with him than anyone else. 

What you described sounds like pretty typical kid stuff. It can be a phase or not. But I understand your desire to pin down what's causing the behavior. 

It could be that she's testing some boundaries (ie, see what it might take to push you away or piss you off), or that she's attention seeking. Or it could be that she's feeling some frustration or anxiety about the new baby. 

With DS, any time his bad behavior spikes, there is almost always a reason. Sometimes it will be a bad grade he'd been trying to hide. Sometimes it will have been a bad day with kids at school. Sometimes I'll never figure out was bugging him. 

If you don't want to accept the behavior, then you shouldn't. I think there is a bit of grin-and-bear it because if she's attention seeking, then the LAST thing you want to do is make a big stink. We have drawn a pretty clear line in the sand with DS, and when he crosses it he loses one of his toys for 5 days. I don't shout or say anything but "Please get me your ____." But then when he goes the next day without being disrespectful/unkind I'll try to make a big deal out of it--"Jack you did GREAT today. You get your LEGOs back in 4 days. Keep it up, buddy" etc. 

ETA: You might wait for an emotionally neutral & quiet time and ask SD what's been on her mind lately. If that doesn't go anywhere, then ask how things are at school.. at her mom's house.. etc. Maybe not all in the same sitting. 

CurlyQ284

I think it is a phase, my SD went through this from about age 6-11. Very sassy and I got zero support from DH. It sucked. I think if you are her primary caretaker then you can absolutely confront the situation. I dont think you should just have to be treated that way.

Personally I would say things like "can you ask me that question without the attitude?" I didnt put her in timeout or anything but just made her aware that she was being rude and it wouldnt be tolerated. It still really sucked.

Muffins_Mom

There's one of two things going on: she's testing boundaries to see if she can act like that with you to see if you will "still" love her OR she knows that she can act like that and you will still love her. Either way, it's normal kid behavior. I'm not saying you need to take it, however. I'd probably sit her down and explain to her that she's been disrespectful lately and that's not how families act to each other and that it needs to stop. I wouldn't do it in a mean way, but a matter of fact way. Explain the behavior that is unacceptable and what will be the consequence if it continues...then follow through each and every time it does.

MrsHetzel

Totally normal. You and DH just enforce the same expectations on SD that you have on DS. If DS isn't allowed to be rude to other family members, and he gets reprimanded for it, then SD does too, no matter which family member she's rude to. Just stay consistent and be patient. It's a phase.

Wahoo

Is it NORMAL?  yes.  SD is asserting her independence from you.  Especially if you were the one "taking care" of her, she needs to prove that she can do without you. 

Do you need to put up with it her sassy attitude and disrespect? HECK NO!  Let her know very clearly that you will not tolerate any disrespect on her part, and expect your DH to back you up.  If she asks you to help her out with something (drive her somewhere, help with homework) and then she starts sassing you, turn around and tell her to come back later with a better attitude if she wants your help.  Expect a "thank you" when you do something for her (bring in her lunch or band instrument if she left it at home).

As the same time, make sure you show her courtesy and respest.  It might be a good time to allow her to be more independent, and at the same time expect more from her at home.     

CFjo2010

Wahoo said:

Is it NORMAL?  yes.  SD is asserting her independence from you.  Especially if you were the one "taking care" of her, she needs to prove that she can do without you. 

Do you need to put up with it her sassy attitude and disrespect? HECK NO!  Let her know very clearly that you will not tolerate any disrespect on her part, and expect your DH to back you up.  If she asks you to help her out with something (drive her somewhere, help with homework) and then she starts sassing you, turn around and tell her to come back later with a better attitude if she wants your help.  Expect a "thank you" when you do something for her (bring in her lunch or band instrument if she left it at home).

As the same time, make sure you show her courtesy and respest.  It might be a good time to allow her to be more independent, and at the same time expect more from her at home.     

^^ All of this.

And if it helps, my DD is 10 and has very recently become incredibly awful towards me.  Her father lives across the Country and he only sees her a couple times a year, but as of late he can practically walk on water according to her.  I believe that children in blended families tend to have rose colored glasses when it comes to the parent they are really the most upset at.  Your SD isn't angry at YOU, but you're there so you're a much easier target than her BM.  She sees that other little girls' moms are more involved at school, are home more often, do more with their daughters, etc and she sees that her own mother isn't as involved as they are.  The reason why BM isn't as involved doesn't matter, your SD just knows you're around more and that's not how it's "supposed" to be.

Jags8

Coming from a "SD," I think this is pretty normal. I went through a couple phases where I didn't care for my "stepmom" (I typically refer to her as my other mom). I had/have a great relationship with my mom too, but I just went through a few rough patches with SM. Just continue to treat her as your own. I don't know how you feel about the labels of your relationship, but I love that my other mom just referred to me as her daughter (and still does). I always hated when my stepdad introduced his real daughters, and then introduced me as his stepdaughter.

starrz90

I agree with what cole2144, has said. She may even wish that you were her real mom if that's the way her mother acts towards her. I think its a normal reaction to the way she is being treated by her own mother. She's not acting like that only because she is your SD. I have two SS. They are wonderful. The transition was not easy on anyone, but they expressed their feelings honestly and we worked through it.  A lot of negative reactions may not have to do with you being a SM.  Maybe sitting down and asking her to explain her feelings would help. She's probably upset with her mother than with you. And I think it happens to the best of us, where if we're angry at someone, it's easier to express our anger at someone we trust rather than the real source of our anger.

misscarter87

Ive experienced the same thing soon as bm noticed her daughter was that attached to me she instantly started being more motherly towards her and doing alot more with her now it seems as if she is trying to compete with us or she question SD about where we go or what we do on the wkends we have her so weird &so stange

ladybug2785

It just sucks because I do so much for SD and she treats me this way. DH has spoken to her about it, I've asked her if anything is wrong, I even try to ignore it...nothing helps. I just hope it goes away because if she acts like this as she gets older life will be tougher for everyone. I just want everyone to be happy and content.

MarySmithy

It's normal. She might have felt out of place and angry at the world that's why she's taking out on you. Give her time and be patient. It'll work out for the better if she sees you're sincere and you love her and you'll always be there for her.

Ndsales

My SS is 7 and we experienced the same things for the past year. Finally this past summer he confided in DH that he "hates me" because I take him places and do things with him, and his mom doesnt. It breaks my heart to have him feel like he hates me because BM doesnt want to be a parent, but at his age he does not understand yet, and he is just mad beccause he wants his mom to do these things with him too, and his is misplacing his anger.

ambrvan

Ndsales said:

My SS is 7 and we experienced the same things for the past year. Finally this past summer he confided in DH that he "hates me" because I take him places and do things with him, and his mom doesnt. It breaks my heart to have him feel like he hates me because BM doesnt want to be a parent, but at his age he does not understand yet, and he is just mad beccause he wants his mom to do these things with him too, and his is misplacing his anger.

I know you have had a rough go of it. I hope things get better for you and yours.

JessO91

The best thing you can do is stay positive and continue to model loving, kind behavior toward her. These situations can be confusing at times, particularly when the two different households are on different pages with parenting philosophies (like in my situation, and, it seems like, yours). Stay strong! Things will get better!