How do you deal with the guilt?

TobieRose

The twins are 7 weeks now. Some days are okay, others I feel like I am drowning. I feel like aside from nursing I don't hold them nearly enough; or when I do hold them (because they're fussing usually), I am simultaneously chasing down/playing with/feeding DS1 (20 months old) and so they aren't actually getting my attention. They don't really have social smiles yet, and DS did at weeks, and while I know every baby is different I can't help but feel like it's MY fault because they don't get enough face time and much of the attention they do get is from others.

I feel like when I put down one baby to pick up another, the first looks at me and wonders why I'm holding his brother and not him (which I know is probably my imagination...). And then DS1 wants me to read to him or draw with him or just BE with him I feel like I am always interrupting "his" time to go grab a baby or stick a pacifier in someone's mouth, and the look on his face is definitely NOT my imagination; I feel like my previously loving toddler is growing more distant from me because he can't rely on me to be there for him. 

I feel like I'm not giving enough of myself to anyone, and yet I still need a break and put the babies in their swings instead of interacting them so I can zone out with a book or the computer for a while. 

In my saner moments I know that this will pass ... in a year or so everything will have evened out and all my children will be okay and happy. I just don't know some days how I'm going to make it. 

Sorry for the long and mopey post, but today I am by myself and feeling low and had to unburden somewhere. 

raraavis28

Big hugs!! The newborn phase is so so hard....and I can't imagine juggling a toddler on top of it! You are doing a great job, though....you wouldn't be feeling the guilt if you weren't a great mom who cared about her babies. Just remind yourself that you're human too, and you can't always be in three places at once, but that your babies are still receiving love and attention from you, even if you don't feel like you can give them each your undivided attention all the time. Also, your toddler is going through his own transition from being an only child to having not one but two younger siblings. It sounds totally normal for him to struggle a bit at first....in time, though, things will even out and he'll probably love having two little sibs to play with.

In the mean time, be nice to yourself. Just do what you can to survive, get help if you can, and don't compare this situation to that of anyone else, or even your first experience of having just one baby to care for. This is hard stuff, but you are doing great!

jeephappygirl

I could have written your post. I too have 7 week old twins & my DD is 2 1/2. Its really hard most days. One twin is starting to smilethe past two days. I too worry the twins will aalways be behind because they just don't get a lot of interaction. I'm making sure each kid gets 15 mins of compete one on one time. I do this while some are napping or husband is home. I also EP and realized that is a good 3 hrs each day. But I can sit on the floor and play blocks with DD or have a baby next to me in a boppy or RNP.

Hoping the "survivors" can give us some other suggestions. And proof that our babies will catch up.

Pittpanther

No advice here either but just wanted to say you arent alone!!  My twins are only 3 weeks old and I have a 3.5 year old DS.  I can tell he is so disappointed when I cant play or give him the attention he needs/wants and it hurts my heart!!  Just like you, I know it will get better, its just hard when you are in the moment!! 

Good luck!  Just know you are doing a great job!

mommaoftrips

I didn't have another kid at home - but having triplets in the newborn stage was hard and I too felt the same way. They are now over a year and happy little kids. The bonus is that your twins will learn things that it takes other kids a long time to do, such as self soothing and quiet self-play and will not be so dependent on you. Things will get better.

bumpuser924057

I had the exact same feelings, and often I still do, but at six months in, both babies are smiling and interacting, they are meeting physical milestones, and their older brother is adjusting. The guilt will always be there on some level, I think, but remember that kids take the experiences they are given and to them it is "normal" because they don't know that there are any other options. They are resilient, they will roll with it and everyone will make it through just fine.

ballygirl

Ugh - I feel like this too! My girls are 11 weeks and I just feel like I am putting out fires all day with them. The one who cries the most gets the most attention and then I feel bad for the other. They cry constantly, sometimes for hours straight they will have tag team meltdowns. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I get angry at them, and then I feel guilty that I could get angry at a 2 month old. They must be crying for some reason and I don't know what it is or how to fix it, so then I feel like I am just terrible at this. I often find myself just wishing this first year was over.

MrsP419

I am really nervous about this.  I will have a four year old and a two year old at home when the twins are born (the plan is for the four year old to start preschool in September), and they are both so clingy right now.  I am really nervous about feeling divided all the time and not actually being able to bond with my twins together, much less separately.  I am grateful for the support and encouragement on this board!

ntdane

I'm nervous about this as well. DS will be almost 3 when the twins are born and he is a total Mama's boy. He's going to struggle with the adjustment, and I know I will too! I'm really hoping that with the help of friends and family that I will be able to carve out individual time, but we'll have to see how it all works out. You can only do what you can do!

MissMarnee

I've been thinking a lot about this since I read it yesterday. My girls are 8 months now and there are days I just feel so torn in two and I want to pull my hair out. Even though they've shared me all their lives, often any time I pick one up the other one looks at me as though I'm a horrible person got not showering her with equal attention at that same moment--it's awful. With all the business of just making it through the day, I constantly ask myself if I'm giving them enough attention, if the attention I'm giving them is good enough/educational enough, if they are going to grow up to be emotionally stable ladies because of how I treat them now. How do I survive the guilt? 1. I just do the best I can. 2. In Bringing Up Bebe, which I highly recommend for several reasons, they discuss the necessity of giving your kids time to themselves & teaching them patience as key ingredients to make them capable and happy adults--I try to remember this, though I don't always succeed. 3. I remind myself that the expectations for parents have gone through the roof over the last few decades. No other generation has put so much pressure on being the perfect parent the way we do! My grandmother would tether my dad as an infant to a tree in the front yard so she could do her housework everyday & he turned out fine--I think my kids are going to be fine if I can't be there meeting their every single whim...just the important ones. ...right?

kgs0505

It's hard, especially now when the babies are so needy.  I do end up spending more time with the 2 yo than the babies because he needs the interaction more. 

The girls at this point entertain themselves or each other so much better now.  It's loads easier than it was.  They actually play with toys and "talk" to each other.  I'd say around 5-6 months was when things got way easier.  But I do feel bad that I'm not holding them enough, or as much as I did with DS.  I've just come to accept that it is what it is, and I really can't change it.

I do try to make sure I get DS's meal ready or whatever other needs he has taken care of before I sit down to feed the girls, or do something time intensive with them.  At least I know he's got what he needs.  Unfortunately he also chooses that time to do things he knows he's not allowed to do.  He calls it "working". 

I do get to spend some 1:1 time with the girls in the mornings when my husband and I each take a baby and feed them individually.  We trade babies each day so we each get at least a little time with just them.  It's actually a really nice way to spend the early morning before DS gets up for the day and everyone has to go to work and daycare.

For 1:1 with DS, I hire the babysitter for a couple hours to watch the girls and take him to the park and lunch or something.  That way he feels special and is able to do something fun with mommy.  I'll do this with the girls too as they get older and need more of that 1:1 time.

Wishing35

ballygirl said:

Ugh - I feel like this too! My girls are 11 weeks and I just feel like I am putting out fires all day with them. The one who cries the most gets the most attention and then I feel bad for the other. They cry constantly, sometimes for hours straight they will have tag team meltdowns. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I get angry at them, and then I feel guilty that I could get angry at a 2 month old. They must be crying for some reason and I don't know what it is or how to fix it, so then I feel like I am just terrible at this. I often find myself just wishing this first year was over.

I felt this same way with my girls up until 3 months. I have to tell you that it gets better! They are a little over 4 months and right around 3 months it was like a switch got flipped. They used to cry all the time and fight sleep , now they are so happy and smiley. I hope it gets better for you soon, I know how stressful it can be.

Mrs.Guz

You aren't alone. I deal with this daily. DS nurses but DD2 won't. So I feel guilty because I spend more time with one than the other. And when I'm giving one attention, I feel guilty that the other one isn't getting my attention. And then when I have to give one formula and the other gets breastmilk. And then there's DD1 (5 y.o). I have all the patience in the world for the babies but run out quickly for her. And I often feel like she's being neglected. Especially since she was an only child for so long and always had our attention. Ugh. It's hard. And it's neverending.