I need to vent

ASmallWonder

I try to rarely vent about my mom because my brother and I agree that there's no way to truly convey how dysfunctional she is and we worry that we come off looking like the bad ones.  Trust me when I say this vent seems minor but is part of a much larger problem - so much so that we don't speak to her.  She has NO money.  In fact, she owes my brother a significant amount that he loaned her just to keep her from becoming homeless.  She makes a good salary so it's unforgivable that she spends ALL of it and that's where this vent comes in.  She insists on buying ridiculous amounts of things for the boys.  For Christmas she sent Quinn 11 holiday outfits and probably 8 for Aiden.  At Christmas my brother brought three black trash bags of clothes she had bought for them (he saw her to retrieve payment on the loan).  She knows my style but insists on buying things like shirts that say "Single and Loving It" or "Sorry ladies.  Mom says no dating." Shit I would never put them in (sorry if that's your thing lol).  She buys everything through Ebay or swap sites so it's not like I can even return it.  I'm not kidding you that I just re-sold about 20 things that she sent.

I know it probably sounds completely ungrateful but when you get "gifts" that were purchased with money you'll probably have to lend her in a few months to keep her from homelessness, it's fucking infuriating.  But if I say anything about what she gives I get "it's my money to do with what I want!/You're just a snob that doesn't want used stuff!/You're ridiculous that you won't put them in the stuff I send because you're too uptight!"

I know this was word salad but two more packages showed up today along with an email that more is on its way and I'm dying over it.

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DaisyDuck40

I'm sorry you're going through this! Your mum sounds a lot like my late grandma and what she did when she was alive. I don't have any advice at all. Again I'm sorry you're going through this.

cafecreme

It sounds like she might have a shopping problem. Something similar to buying and hoarding- except she's giving the hoard away. You and your brother need to sit her down and give her an intervention. Bring a pen and paper with you, and go through each individual bill that NEEDS to be payed every month, then check her bank statement and see what "wants" she's been buying. Normally it can tell you online with a pie chart with how she's been spending her money. Then obviously tell her what needs to be cut in order for her to pay back her son. 

Murphie82

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That is awful. My only suggestion is that no one should lend her anymore money. Technically when you give her a loan, she is buying that stuff with your, or your brother's, money. She needs to learn that she can't spend everything she makes, and if she has to learn the hard way, so be it. It sounds like you and your brother have tried your best to help her but giving her money doesn't seem like the right answer given her behavior. Maybe try to get her into counseling?

ETA: So many typos

Lizzybizzy80

I'm really sorry. I have an aunt like this and couldn't imagine being her daughter. This may be heartless of me, but would you consider not loaning her any more money and letting her hit rock bottom?

ETA I'm sure you already considered that option. I understand the need to just vent.

Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one who recommended this.

ASmallWonder

She has said and done so many awful things that we don't have her in our lives.  I've tried many times and it always blows up in my face.  I actually rarely even respond to her emails because they're typically drama seeking.  So things just show up for the boys and because I do not want them to have a relationship with her, they don't even understand where any of it came from.

ASmallWonder

Beary+Ghastly said:

It sounds like she might have a shopping problem. Something similar to buying and hoarding- except she's giving the hoard away. You and your brother need to sit her down and give her an intervention. Bring a pen and paper with you, and go through each individual bill that NEEDS to be payed every month, then check her bank statement and see what "wants" she's been buying. Normally it can tell you online with a pie chart with how she's been spending her money. Then obviously tell her what needs to be cut in order for her to pay back her son. 

Oh, it's WAY past that.  That intervention happened years ago.  She is effectively no longer part of our lives (a decision come to with intense therapy).  There is no helping her.  She's incredibly mentally ill but is so vile that trying to help her is something that harms others.  Like I said, it's a major level of dysfunction that can't be conveyed.  The shopping thing is actually quite minor compared to everything else :-/

ASmallWonder

Lizzybizzy80 said:

I'm really sorry. I have an aunt like this and couldn't imagine being her daughter. This may be heartless of me, but would you consider not loaning her any more money and letting her hit rock bottom? ETA I'm sure you already considered that option. I understand the need to just vent.

Yes and I drew the line last time and damn near had a breakdown over it.  When she "hits rock bottom" I end up sobbing hysterically because it's horrific to imagine your mother in a homeless shelter.  She lost her home (that I grew up in) years ago and goes job to job, apartment to apartment.  Being her daughter takes a huge emotional toll  Even though I no longer give her money, it doesn't stop the calls and emails that go from heart wrenching pleading for help to horrible attacks on me as a person for not helping her.

ASmallWonder

Murphie82 said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That is awful. My only suggestion is that no one should lend her anymore money. Technically when you give her a loan, she is buying that stuff with your, or your brother's, money. She needs to learn that she can't spend everything she makes, and if she has to learn the hard way, so be it. It sounds like you and your brother have tried your best to help her but giving her money doesn't seem like the right answer given her behavior. Maybe try to get her into counseling?

ETA: So many typos

She's in therapy and on meds.  Hell, she's been committed for feelings of suicide that she attributed to me not helping her.

Lizzybizzy80

@elmoali I didn't realize she was mentally ill. You are in a no win situation with her and I am so sorry.

ETA dealing with this must be just crushing. I keep typing things to add but I really don't know what to say. Big hugs.

Murphie82

elmoali said:

Murphie82 said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That is awful. My only suggestion is that no one should lend her anymore money. Technically when you give her a loan, she is buying that stuff with your, or your brother's, money. She needs to learn that she can't spend everything she makes, and if she has to learn the hard way, so be it. It sounds like you and your brother have tried your best to help her but giving her money doesn't seem like the right answer given her behavior. Maybe try to get her into counseling?

ETA: So many typos

She's in therapy and on meds.  Hell, she's been committed for feelings of suicide that she attributed to me not helping her.

I'm very sorry. That must be terribly hard. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family that some sort of peace is found.

ASmallWonder

Like I said, it's so beyond the clothes lol  It's so deep and awful that some days all you can focus on are the things that would amount to annoyance for other people.  It's just exhausting and some days I can't take it

ASmallWonder

Thanks all  I know it's hard to offer anything when you know you don't know the whole story and it's hard putting it all out there but thanks for letting me vent.

My brother was like "Um, you tried explaining this to people on the outside?  You know that doesn't work!"  He told me the other day that if it weren't for me, he may think he was the crazy one and that if I couldn't back him up to people, he'd probably have to deny she exists.  Sigh.

WasNotWas

I love you Ali and I've said before that you are an incredible person to be so caring, patient, and kind coming from that situation. You are an amazing mom and I'm lucky to know you

HeartLikeMine3

So sorry your going through this. I don't have advice other than what pp stated. The fact that she is mentally ill makes this all 10x harder. HUGS

ASmallWonder

Thanks @wasnotwas  Love you too!  I'm far from issue free but I do know I'm doing better as a mother than mine did.  Growing up as her daughter wasn't all bad and it does help me be mindful of how I DON'T want to be.  Unfortunately, that feeling can overwhelm me a lot of the time and DH has to remind me that I have to be a little more confident that being unlike her is more natural to me than I give myself credit for and that I don't have to try SO hard not to be like her.

lioness13

That sounds so frustrating for you. ((hugs)) It's great that you and your brother can support each other!

cafecreme

elmoali said:

Beary+Ghastly said:

It sounds like she might have a shopping problem. Something similar to buying and hoarding- except she's giving the hoard away. You and your brother need to sit her down and give her an intervention. Bring a pen and paper with you, and go through each individual bill that NEEDS to be payed every month, then check her bank statement and see what "wants" she's been buying. Normally it can tell you online with a pie chart with how she's been spending her money. Then obviously tell her what needs to be cut in order for her to pay back her son. 

Oh, it's WAY past that.  That intervention happened years ago.  She is effectively no longer part of our lives (a decision come to with intense therapy).  There is no helping her.  She's incredibly mentally ill but is so vile that trying to help her is something that harms others.  Like I said, it's a major level of dysfunction that can't be conveyed.  The shopping thing is actually quite minor compared to everything else :-/

Oh gosh. I'm really sorry. Maybe it's best to just stay away? I know its hard because she's your mother. I've had some big issues with my mom growing up, and sometimes the only thing you can really do is just stay away, and think positive.