Letting your child get a tattoo

MJN9510

So DH has a daughter he found out about 4 years ago.  She was 28 when they first met.  He has had a hard time connecting with her and forming a bond.  I keep encouraging him to try because he is her biological father.  She had a pretty hard life growing up and I know she really wants a relationship with him.  He gets really frustrated with her and the choices she makes, but she is an adult with 3 kids of her own and we cant just come in the picture now and try to "parent" this adult.  Yesterday we found out that she took her 15 year old son to get a tattoo.  What do you all think about this?  My thought is, tattoos are for adults.  I have nothing against tattoos, but I think 15 is too young for this.

nanabanana06

Honestly, other than the age thing I have no issues with it. However, its tradition in our family to pay for their first tattoo on their 18th birthday. I think 15 may be a tad young, but it's not really your place to say anything. It's over with already.

msdrdg

I'm mostly in the "her kid, her choice" camp, but 15?  I mean the things I would have chosen at 15....  I'm thinking in 5-10 years that kid will have some regret happening.

MJN9510

I agree its not our place to say anything and we dont because its her child and her decision.  Its just frustrating to watch her make these decisions. 

nanabanana06

Their are worse things out there than letting your 15 year old get a tattoo. Plus, maybe she helped make sure it was small and in a good place so he didn't get a giant swastika on his face or sumshit. Who knows. It's better than the 15 year old doing it himself with a ball point pen and needle (I knew many kuds who did this).

taggiecb

I was 15 when I got my first tattoo.  At 31, I could take it or leave it, but I think don't regret it.  It didn't ruin my life, or lead me to a bad path.  Its just a thing.  

Smootchy

My mom took my brother to get his first tattoo at like 15. Probably a poor choice but he turned out a pretty awesome guy. 

...a guy who could laugh at himself and handle us laughing at him for that horrible tattoo he got at 15. 

Just curious what "sweet" tat a 15 year old thought of. 

Smootchy

My mom also took me to get my belly button pierced when I turned 15. Not the same as a tattoo but obvs my mom was "the cool mom"

SpaceGirlSpiff

I mean...her kid her choice ultimately, I'm not one that has a problem with tattoos since my H and I both have several, but I think it would be better at 18....kind of a 'right of passage' into adulthood, if you will

Even saying that, I wish I had waited a little longer and put more research/thought into MY first tattoo, and I was 19

Our artist wont tattoo anyone under 18, even with parental consent.... I'm surprised a 15 year old was able to, so I might briefly side eye and wonder what shop/artist would agree to that... but ultimately, not my business.

There's really nothing anyone in this situation can say out loud that would make any difference or wouldnt just cause problems... most you can do is side-eye in your head if you want.

Smootchy

Also I good friend of mine in HS was taken from her mom to get her first tattoo because her mom didn't want her to go to the shit-hole place that would've inked her with her fake ID. She wanted her at a clean place she "knew". Just saying, sometime kids are going to do what they're going to do and it's best to protect them the only way you know how. (if that makes sense)

MJN9510

This is just one of many things she has done to cause us to "side eye" her.  He wants a relationship with her.  But when you meet someone when they are 28 years old, its hard to form a father/daughter bond.  Then when she doesnt things that are questionable,it makes it harder.  Not saying DH has done everything perfect in life (neither have I). 

Smootchy

dotgirl2 said:

I'm on the fence about this. My first reaction is to side eye it, but then I have to remind myself that I got a tattoo at 16 and I turned out just fine. The difference is though that I did it behind my parents back. There is no way they would've taken me. So, I guess the only real issue for me would be what he would pick at 15. I don't regret my choice, but I could easily see a 15 y/o picking something he regrets.

this just made me laugh. DH has a step nephew who keeps getting busted drinking and doing drugs. Everyone has been on his case and at first I was leaning toward "take it easy on him... we all did the same shit" but after he kept getting caught I was like, "ok. You're an idiot. Learn to do this shit behind your parents back. dumbass" 

MJN9510

uconnhuskie007 said:

@fredalina - I totally agree that he doesn't "get" to be her dad, but I have to wonder if she sought him out for that reason.  Maybe she is looking for a strong parent?  OP, you said she had a hard life growing up?  Is her mom involved? 

Her mom is involved, yes. So, here is the background on this. 

When DH was 15 (ironic that this is the same age as the child getting a tattoo, huh?), he dated a 19 year old girl briefly, until he found out she was married.  Fastforward to 14 years later, a girl calls DH and claims to be his daughter.  He made arrangements to meet her, but before they could meet up, the mother found out and forbid her to meet him.  Then they moved away and DH had no idea where they met and didnt know anyone that had any idea where they moved.  So, when he and I met, he told me he might have another daughter.  Fastforward to another 14 years when this girl was 28.  Our phone rang one day and it was her, trying to find DH.  They met and had a paternity test done and he is definitely her biological father.  She told him that her mom & step dad told her throughout her entire life that her biological father wanted nothing to do with her and that he supposadely told someone that he wouldnt care if she died.  Obviously that was all a lie since he never knew she existed to begin with.  DH and this girl have talked on the phone a good bit and they see eachother a couple of times a year.  She was physically abused as a child, by her stepfather.  DH has tried to connect with her emotionally, but its just hard to form a bond after 28 years.  I think she is someone who genuinely wants a relationship with him, but her life is just very messed up.  She has 3 kids, but doesnt have them very much.  She pawns them off to other people a lot, so she can "party".  Everyone does things differently and its their choice to make on how they live their life and raise their children.  But we have a 3 year old together.  I choose to not have her around a lot of smoking and drinking and that is all this girl wants to do. So, when they come to visit, it makes it very difficult.  That is just one example.

 

jorkz821

Doing the math - she had this son at 13yo? Is she maybe more of a friend than a mom to the 15yo? Regardless, it doesn't affect your h so I wouldn't worry about it. Personally, no I wouldn't take my 15yo to get a tattoo. They can do that at 18 if they want.

Littledeer84

I wouldn't do it. If your H has a good relationship with her, maybe he could gently question her about the decision making process, but it is her child. She had him very young, 13(?), so she probably thinks a tattoo at 15 is nbd.

Helenahhandbasket

I wouldn't give consent for a tattoo before 18-- simply because if I would have gotten a tattoo as a teen is surely would have been something ridic.  If DD wanted a nose piercing/ belly button piercing or maybe lip piercing as a younger than 18 teen, I would take her.

At 18 or older-- all bets are off. 

MJN9510

Yes, I agree and so does DH.  He cannot (and doesnt want to) "parent"  this girl.  Those parenting days are over.  These things frustrate him (and me) and make it hard for him to form that bond with her in the way that she wants.  I know she wants a close relationship with him.  And he would like to have a relationship with her too.  But its just very awkward.  He does want to be a positive influence in her life, especially since she was raised with really NO positive influences (from what she tells us).  I try to tell him to remember that she is raising her kids in a lot of the similiar ways her mom and step dad raised her.  Its just frustrating.  He is frustrated that he didnt have the chance to have a part in raising her and form that bond with her in her younger years. 

MJN9510

uconnhuskie007 said:

The way you spoke about her in your last post @mjn9510 - "...this girl" has a seriously condescending tone.  Also, the way you question whether she really had a hard life isn't helpful either.  I think the more I read about this, the more I think you need to back away from this as much as possible, and let your DH work through it.  I think you are passing strong negative judgments when they are not yours to pass.

I am not questiontioning that she had a hard life.  I am just saying from what she told us.  We have never had a conversation with her mom.  I know she had a hard life.  She leads us to believe that she had no positive influences in her life, but i dont know that for a fact, so that is why I said  it that way.  I also meant nothing negative when I said he cannot parent this girl as an adult.  I have always encouraged DH to keep lines of communication open with her and try his best to have a relationship with her and show her love.  I was just venting frustration.

taggiecb

If I were in your husbands shoes, I would probably try to rule out the "parent" factor in this relationship, and try to focus on more of the friendship factor.  Because I think that would be both of your best bets in order to have a positive relationship with this woman.  

Would your husband care if this was a friend or even distant relative and her son?  If not, maybe putting all this worry into the situation is a waste of energy and emotion on both your parts.

MrsT0514

Both MH and I have ink.....I personally love it and feel like I'll be fairly liberal about it when my kid becomes of age to do so. But not at the age of 15. 17-18 years old...fine. 15...probably not.

[Deleted User]

Never get a tattoo at a place that would tattoo a minor with parental consent.  They are not reputable.

[Deleted User]

jorkz821 said:

Doing the math - she had this son at 13yo? Is she maybe more of a friend than a mom to the 15yo? Regardless, it doesn't affect your h so I wouldn't worry about it. Personally, no I wouldn't take my 15yo to get a tattoo. They can do that at 18 if they want.

That's what I thought at first too, but I think she means the mom was 28 four years ago.  So she was 17.

And yeah, no way my kid would get a tattoo before 18.  I would even offer to pay for her first if she waited until like, 22.  If she's even interested in them.