Done!

O2girl

I'm not doing this anymore. I would rather live the rest of my life not worrying about whether or not I could have children than living my life trying to find any amount of positive possible. My husband should find someone younger and try this with them because I am too old, damaged, and broken to give him anything. This might be irrational and I might regret it later but I'm through but I'm not happy going through this process and can't seem to find happiness in it. All I see is grief, heartache, and broken dreams.

RunCC37

((hugs)) sorry you feel this way. This is a very hard path to follow, and it's even harder when you don't know how things will turn out. I'm wishing you peace.

missmarypoppins

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know its hard to find any positive in anything while going through this. And after so much heartache it's hard to even imagine happiness, real happiness filling every part of you.

I say to my DH a lot "we just have to put our heads down and plow through" or "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"
Sending you big hugs and I hope you find some peace and happiness whatever your next steps are.

FishyMom

I am so sorry, beautiful! There are days that are really hard. We all have them and we all share your pain. I tell DH that this is our "journey". This is the path that was chosen for DH and I, it may not be easy, and there will be times that it feels like the cross is too much to bear, but we can get thru it if I lean on him when the times are hard for me and vice versa.

I am not sure if you are a religious at all but I will include you in my morning prayers tomorrow. I hope you can find some peace sweetie. ((Big hugs))

SuperPsi

Hugs to you!  I've felt this way a few times throughout this process and I'm sure if you asked DH he'd say the same thing mine did "you're my girl and we're in this together, wherever it leads."  It's a terrible feeling, that you're too old, that even modern medicine can't help you, that if only this and shoulda that.  Take a break from IF for however long you need to-a day, a week or a month.  Do something fun with DH or your best friend to take your mind off things today and try to take one day, one step at a time.  It is so overwhelming to think about everything all at once.  All the time, effort, energy, money.  But try to focus on today, maybe tomorrow and that's it.  We're all here for you and cheering you on! 

Alicia_R1

((hugs)) I am so sorry.  I understand where you are coming from and there are times I feel the exact same way or that I just wish DH would be ok with it being us and the fur-babies. 

At this point I have been asking myself am I doing this more for him than us since I'm tired of the ups and downs, dealing with all the appointments and insurance and wacky cycles, negatives every month, failed IVM, and I don't want to be a pin cushion anymore.  I have given so much blood I think I could feed a vampire for a year.

I told DH, there is only so much longer I will put myself through this because of what it does emotionally and mentally to me and it's starting to take a toll on our relationship, which initially it had brought us closer, it's now making it harder.

Give yourself this time to vent, take a break if you need it and talk to each other. 

will be keeping you in my prayers and I hope you find peace no matter what decision you make

BRaven985

so sorry you are feeling discouraged.  I've had this feeling before...I am sure we all have.  And the age thing always bothers me the most...thinking that if only I was younger than maybe this wouldn't be this way.  But unfortunately there is nothing we can do about that.  I just hope that whatever road you choose leads you to your happy future. 

O2girl

Thanks ladies. IF sucks and I am in a holding pattern because of this lupron therapy for 3 months... I've only almost finished the first month
I talked to DH about stopping this craziness and he doesn't want to. He says that we only have it one try. I told him that the loss I experienced after our FET feels like it took part of my soul and that if I have other losses it will just keep chipping away at my soul and that I feel like I'm going to end up like a shell of a person if we keep losing babies. I just don't feel strong enough to go through all of this loss; and my DH just doesn't get it.

Alicia_R1

I'm so sorry.  I hope he can understand or learn to, it took my DH a while to really understand what it did to me and even then he admitted that he still knew that what he saw and felt was probably nothing compared to what I was going through.  But at least he started to get it.  I hope yours has that light bulb moment and can understand what this does to you. 

Praying for strength for you during these 3 months.  Only you know how much you can take and how far you can go.  And you're right, each loss, each failed cycle just eats away at your soul and your hope.  I am always amazed at the what the ladies here can go through, their endurance and how they keep going.  I don't think I could keep going as long as some of them have. 

In this holding pattern, do as much for yourself as you can and try to put TTC and the next step out of your mind and focus on you.  I found these past few months while we have been in a holding pattern, waiting for our new insurance and my body just not working (like usual) that taking back my life prior to IVM and the other IF treatments and stuff really is helping. 

TaylorH84

I'm so sorry girl! It's so hard and frustrating. I too have felt like it was all my fault and that if DH was with someone else it would be so much easier. He reminds me that it's not "me" it's "us" and "we" will get through together...we always do. I hope you continue to pick up the pieces and are able to move forward. Only you know when it is time to move forward with whatever path you choose to take...Goodluck and I'm thinking about you!!

CallaLily30

I'm so sorry you feel this way love. I know our situations are not the same but I've had four losses and I've learned that I'm much stronger than I thought. Its been very difficult to keep going at times but after each loss, we found a way to keep going. I hope one day there is a baby at the end of this long road but I really dont know.

LSN8308

You're not alone hun and im sorry you're going through this right now. We've all been at that point. When I got my dx I sat down with DH n mentioned separating because of all the guilt I felt, even though its not in my hands or any of our hands! You're strong enough to get through this and I hope you find your strength again *hugs*

Lm92599

I'm so sorry girl, I know what you mean... I can't seem to find happiness anymore either. I hope you have started to feel better, hang in there.

KR250222

I understand how you feel. This is SO hard and it doesn't get easier. I was a big crazy mess this last BFN and felt so helpless. But everyone I know in real life who has gone through IVF has told me to NEVER give up. Take breaks, take time to heal, take time to gear up again but don't give up. 

I pray that you will find your path. For me, I have renewed strength by finding a new RE and joining a women's support group in person. You *can* do this, we are all so strong from this journey! xo

babydreams13

I know how you feel.  Its like we are doing all of this (see my long siggy or failures) and its all for the hope that MAYBE it will work. Its physically and emotionally draining.  Yes our DHs have a part in it but the main responsibility falls on us.  We are the ones who are being stuck by needles and have gone through countless procedures.  My DH is supportive and believes something will work one day. I am not so sure but I will keep on trying even if there is a small possibility that I will have a baby.  To me I can't imagine my life without a child.  I think everyone needs breaks from this. I have had 3 failed transfers within the last few months so I am officially on a break.  I need a break from the crazy IF brain.  You are not old at all! Take time to take care of yourself and enjoy life.  I always feel bad for myself but then see all these tragedies on the news and think if IF is my thing at least thats all I have, so many people have way worse.  

Hang in there.  

Margritli

I am so sorry. I have the same thoughts and feelings sometimes. I am so ready to move on with my life without children instead of being stuck in this purgatory of not knowing what is going to happen to me. I am just sad all the time and feel like this is just slowly sucking my joy for life out of me. DH just doesn't get it sometimes. He feels like it is going to work, like I am being too negative, like we should do whatever it takes to get a baby and me? I am just tired. I wake up in the morning exhausted from life. I dreamt last night that I was pregnant and woke up to remember that I am not. Your feelings are totally normal and if you really think that calling it quits is the right decision for you, I think all of us here understand that completely. :::huge hugs to you:::

KeepSwimming27

I'm so sorry, O2. IF is quite possibly the most draining and soul-sucking experience I've ever had. I can totally feel where you're coming from. 

Sending the biggest hugs possible…………….

Tea+

So sorry you're feeling this way, sweets. As we know IF sucks in many many ways and you have every right to have these feelings. I hope you find some peace even for a little while. Until then feel free to vent away. We all need it sometimes. xo

badrianne

Hang in there. I just wanted to share that I found a counselor who experienced IF herself and working with her really helped my emotional state. 

LeoLauren

@O2girl - if I gave up after ivf #1 (and I didn't even get any frosties that time around or even the next time around) I wouldn't have had my beautiful son. Trust me, it's worth the physical and emotional pain when it finally works. I switched my RE after #1 and it made all the difference. Maybe you need a second opinion? Hang in there, my friend, and go easy on yourself.

O2girl

Thanks ladies... I'm going to do my next FET....however, I don't have any hope that it will even work. I'm very discouraged about the whole process and while I try to be optimistic, I realize I don't even come close to being optimistic.

rlk2

Hang in there girl! I know the sad and negative feelings all to well! Hoping your next cycle brings you your LO!!!!we are here to be positive for you!

Sunny B

Hang in there sweetie. You're almost halfway done the Lupron therapy! It's a wait, but hopefully it will be so worth it. We are here for you!

princessisadora

Your frustration definitely resonates with me. This is a hard road to follow. I know that it will all be worth it at the end if and only if we get to take home that precious baby. I also think it is important to set some "end points" for this process, and by "end points" I refer to when to pull the plug. DH and I have already set ours. I know that I am not strong enough to keep on at this for an indefinite amount of cycles, as after our first MC/CP I went into a deep sadness and turned really bitter. I am slowly coming back to my old self but it hasn't been easy. Right now I am taking care of me and doing things for me and fully embracing being a DINK until we decide it is time to get into this IUI and/or IVF bandwagon again. 

I hope you find some happiness and peace in these 3 months of forced rest. Perhaps you will find time to build that enclosure for the goats you have been longing for.