Need "inappropriate cousin behavior" advice!

LaurenandMack

Hi Girls!  I haven't posted in a while but I need some non biased advice and know you are the best at that!  I will try to make this as short as possible! 

I do not have any immediate family members (parents are passed) and so I recently moved across the US to be with my aunt and her 3 children who all have children my DD's age.  It has been GREAT!  I haven't had family in forever and we have been welcomed with open arms!

The problem is, my cousin's son (my DD is 3, he is 4) keeps doing weird things with my daughter.  I caught him at McD's under the slide having her lay down on her stomach and looking down her pants in the back.  The same day I caught him doing the same thing in her playhouse.  When his mom came to get him, I met her outside to TALK and she blew it off like no big deal.  She and her husband have made jokes about it ever since.  I didn't let him come over to play after that and vice versa.  Then on Halloween we were all at my other cousins and I went upstairs where ALL the children were playing and she and him were in the bathroom and her boots, tights and panties were off!  She can't do it by herself but he swore up and down she did it by herself to his mom.  I finally told my husband what was going on (he had been stressed out with work so I didn't want to worry him).  He was LIVID! Since then, we have kept her away from him but the family got together on Christmas Eve and Christmas.  We never let her out of our sight but on Christmas Day, my husband noticed him trying to take her into his room constantly and followed them one time to see what he was up to and he asked her to get under the covers with him.  DH grabbed her and told me "We are going!".  I moved across the US to be with this family and my husband says that is it, she cannot be in the same house with him for years.  I agree, but how do I tell my family?  How do I tell my aunt and cousin that I think their son/grandson is inappropriate without them hating me?  My daughter comes FIRST and that is why I know I need to keep her away from him JUST IN CASE.  My cousin told me he is just "curious" and he has done the same thing with his other cousin from another family (she is older and I think taught him this, but my friends with sons say it is NOT normal.  And I'm sorry, but I don't want him being "curious" with my daughter!  He has a little sister and I am due for another girl in 2 months.  We have a planned ski trip next month and we are going to have to cancel which they will want to know why- we will be giving up $750.  I cried all day bc I can't imagine not seeing my aunt (shes like my mom and watches him five days a week so I will never see her without him) but I Just cant risk it going further.  ANY advice would be great, just please don't slam me for not doing something sooner.  I already feel awful.  TIA.

HML5382

I'm sorry, I really don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm totally with you and your decision! That boy's behavior is weird and I wouldn't want my daughter around him either. I wouldn't beat yourself up about not reacting sooner, I don't think I would have freaked out instantly either because it just seems like he's too young to be doing anything actually inappropriate, but after the other incidents I'm definitely with you on keeping her away. It totally sucks that this will uproot your family, and your extended family may not understand, but I think you're right to put your little girls first. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck!

HML5382

Also, have you said anything to your Aunt? I just wonder about the other little girls in the family, you said he has a little sister. His parents might not think it's a big deal but maybe the other family members would and would be supportive? 

LaurenandMack

My aunt was at McD's when it happened the first time and she said she was "Mortified". My husband and I were meeting her today to talk to her and see what she thinks we should do- she is very logical and intelligent and LOVES my daughter so I think she MIGHT take it okay.  But the parents showed up with her- so my DH dropped me off and picked me up later.  They said it has happened with the other cousin- Thanks so much for the sweet message. Makes me feel like I have made the right decisions along the way.  Just SO SAD about the situation!  Who knew a 4 year old could change my life so much!

LaurenandMack

oh- and his sister is the youngest girl of the bunch besides another boy.  The rest are older than him.  But we thought the same thing.  And where is he learning all of this from?

Angela814

I think this is a normal age for kids to start being curious about their bodies. The problem is that his parents seem to think his behavior is funny or okay when it's not. They should be enforcing that private parts (anything covered by underwear essentially) are private and not to be shown to everyone. I would make sure your DD knows that and knows she should tell you if anyone tries to make her take off her clothes/look under her clothes. I'd also be worried that someone is doing this to the little boy too. I hope you are able to have a good conversation with your aunt!

TiffanyBerry

"Normal" (as in developmentally expected and common) doesn't mean acceptable.  Hitting is developmentally expected.  So is biting.  So is yelling.  So is rudeness.  So are many things that are also not acceptable.  That the parents don't seem to take any interest in parenting their child (that is - teaching him what is acceptable behavior and what isn't) is my main concern.  I wouldn't freak out that something is "wrong" with the boy, but I also wouldn't leave them alone.  Would you leave a toddler who hits at small provocations alone with a baby who cries a lot?  No.  Same thing here.

Talk to them.  Calmly and rationally.  With some clear expectations of what you would like to do.  If they can't meet you even part way, then yeah, avoid them.  But if you think it's something you can manage by making sure you are always supervising, I wouldn't freak out *yet*.  (If you didn't think it was something you could manage by constant supervision, I certainly wouldn't blame you - you know the situation best.  And if that's not enough to keep your LO safe, you do whatever IS enough, even if you don't see that child again.)

Spin313

If one of my children were in this situation, I would not let them near the other child alone.

Make sure you are having talks with your daughter about safety and what's appropriate with her body...ie: private parts are private, no one can touch your body (except parents helping with bathing/bathroom or at doctor's with mom/dad there), saying no loudly, always telling mom/dad if she's uncomfortable, etc.

LaurenandMack

You guys are awesome! I was up at 2:30am crying about this and read your responses which made me feel SOOO much better! I will have another talk with the parents. Thanks SO MUCH!!!!

beautiflaw

Uh oh.

There's a difference between normal curiosity and something more. Normal curiosity is a lot more innocent. Little girls who look under each other's skirts to see if they have the same parts, or a brother who asks why his sister doesn't have the same parts is normal. Touching and trying to find a private spot to explore is a little off to me.

Often kids who have been treated in such a way by adults or older kids replay that behavior later. Some older kid or adult may have touched him or looked at him inappropriately or something, and now he thinks its normal. He is a little boy and since his mom is playing it off, he probably doesn't know any better. Since he feels the need to lie to his mother about who took off your daughter's undies, he obviously does have some kind of guilt associations. Since he was seeking privacy in his room to look at your daughter, he must know that what he was trying to do would be frowned upon by adults, if not altogether wrong. For little kids, right and wrong are hard concepts. He probably has no idea. I know its hard but try not to feel too angry at him. He is probably hurting and confused.

His mom needs to sit him down and explain to him that he needs to keep his hands to himself, and that touching others and taking off their clothes is not okay. He needs to be questioned by someone with experience (such as a pediatrician or child psychologist) to find out if he has been touched or treated inappropriately by an adult. He may not have been abused in any way. He may have seen something adult on tv or walked in on his parents. But either way a discussion needs to take place and he needs to learn not to touch people in that manner.

You can go ahead and start telling your daughter that she can say "no" or "stop" if a non-parent or doctor touches her private parts or tries to take of her clothes. I know it sounds young but this is a good time to start, well before kindergarten. There are a lot of age appropriate books about this you can find on Amazon, which use friendly and simple language.

beautiflaw

LaurenandMack said:

oh- and his sister is the youngest girl of the bunch besides another boy.  The rest are older than him.  But we thought the same thing.  And where is he learning all of this from?

So sad. It must be from his sisters who are older. Perhaps something happened to them in school and they are teaching him? The whole family needs to therapist to step in before this goes any further.

beautiflaw

fredalina said:

Uh oh.

There's a difference between normal curiosity and something more. Normal curiosity is a lot more innocent. Little girls who look under each other's skirts to see if they have the same parts, or a brother who asks why his sister doesn't have the same parts is normal. Touching and trying to find a private spot to explore is a little off to me.

I disagree. A bright curious 5 year old would absolutely seek a private spot even if they had never been mistreated or had never seen inappropriate television in their life. Touching is more problematic but still within the realm of normal (not acceptable, but normal): As for the rest of your post, it's just a lot of assumptions.

Maybe. I still would be wary of that. When I was a kid I was "touched" by another kid who had been inappropriately touched by an adult who had been inappropriately touched. Luckily an adult came into the room before more could happen.

I know its a bad idea to act on assumptions but when it comes to a child's safety you can't ignore warning signs either. I feel that the OP needs to have a discussion with her family, and her family needs to take action to find out if the kids have been abused in some way. From what the OP says in her post and comments, It looks like its spreading through the sibs to the extended family. To me, those look like warning signs.

TiffanyBerry

beautiflaw said:

fredalina said:

Uh oh.

There's a difference between normal curiosity and something more. Normal curiosity is a lot more innocent. Little girls who look under each other's skirts to see if they have the same parts, or a brother who asks why his sister doesn't have the same parts is normal. Touching and trying to find a private spot to explore is a little off to me.

I disagree. A bright curious 5 year old would absolutely seek a private spot even if they had never been mistreated or had never seen inappropriate television in their life. Touching is more problematic but still within the realm of normal (not acceptable, but normal): As for the rest of your post, it's just a lot of assumptions.

Maybe. I still would be wary of that. When I was a kid I was "touched" by another kid who had been inappropriately touched by an adult who had been inappropriately touched. Luckily an adult came into the room before more could happen.

I know its a bad idea to act on assumptions but when it comes to a child's safety you can't ignore warning signs either. I feel that the OP needs to have a discussion with her family, and her family needs to take action to find out if the kids have been abused in some way. From what the OP says in her post and comments, It looks like its spreading through the sibs to the extended family. To me, those look like warning signs.

That's the trouble with "warning signs" for most things about kids this age - they overlap significantly with totally normal (though not acceptable) behavior.  So, in and of themselves, they aren't *really* warning signs - they need to be paired with other types of signs and behaviors to warrant significant concern, and - honestly - she's probably not around this kid enough to know if this qualifies as a warning sign.

I'm not saying you're wrong.  I'm saying that it's an incredibly muddled picture with a child this age.  Children this age display a HUGE range of behaviors, and many (most!) of them are ones that adults interpret in very different ways than the children.

I don't think ANYONE would suggest ignoring the situation and not doing anything about it, though!

LaurenandMack

Not sure if anyone is reading this anymore- but thanks so much for your responses. I have literally gone through the emotions/thoughts of each of you! I did approach the grandmother of the child bc I didn't want to get into a debate with the parents by telling them their son is doing some thing "wrong". So I asked her advice on how to approach the situation. She actually recommended the family get a psychologist. However, I haven't heard back from her in a week, so either she is upset about it, or she is just busy. I have had talks with my daughter and my cousin had talks with her son. It worked for about a week but then he went back to doing it. I know it might be a normal behavior (he just turned 4 which seems a little young) but I don't want my daughter thinking it is okay for someone to look down her pants or take them off. We have had MANY talks about it but I think she sees it is a game. My husband is VERY SENSITIVE about this and I'm worried if it happens again, he would lose it in front of everyone. No man wants to walk in on ANYONE pulling their daughters pants down, no matter who it is. Thanks for all the feedback. I cried about the situation again this morning ( however I am 7 months pregnant!). Hopefully my family hasn't disowned me and a psychiatrist is being contacted.