Feeling like a bad angel momma today

kflynn81

Dh's and my first response to being asked if we wanted to hold Jack and/or have photos were a definite no. We had a mental picture of him in our heads we agreed we didn't want to lose but now.... I feel really guilty that I just handed my baby To the doctors and that was it. No real question just feeling guilty last few days that he might think we didn't care enough about him to hold him once.

bunnybun4

so sorry you are having a hard time.  I have found that when I am feeling guilty or regretful (we chose to have a D&E so I didn't even get to see her) I have to remember the chaos and the shock of the moment we were in at the time.  I did the best I could at the time to get through a horrific experience.  There were a ton of decisions we had to make in a really short period of time plus we were having to deal with the grief and shock of what was happening.  You did the best you could and Jack knows that.  You've just got to give yourself a little grace.  ((HUGS))

mingaling2

You made the best choice for yourself in a very chaotic and emotional time with no preparation while you were most likely in shock. Please don't feel bad - there is nothing that could have prepared you for what was happening. 

Xath

*siggy warning*

So very sorry you are having a difficult time.  We have all second-guessed every decision we made during that horrible horrible time.  Know that you did what was best for you and your husband.   Your baby knows how much you love him.  He felt that love every day for 20 weeks, and still feels it now.  

jess123456

Hugs to you. Like others have said, you made the best decisions at the time. I feel very similar guilt. We lost our baby girl to a terminal diagnosis and when we got the diagnosis I actually asked them to turn the ultrasound around from me because it was too hard at the time. I have beaten myself up about that and realize that at the time it was what I needed to do but my baby girl and your baby only knew love. You are not alone.

neptunebljc

kflynn81 said:

Dh's and my first response to being asked if we wanted to hold Jack and/or have photos were a definite no. We had a mental picture of him in our heads we agreed we didn't want to lose but now.... I feel really guilty that I just handed my baby To the doctors and that was it. No real question just feeling guilty last few days that he might think we didn't care enough about him to hold him once.

I completely relate to you.  DH and I both did not hold our baby.  We were prepped for a still birth and ended up having a screaming baby that no one was prepared for.  I couldn't keep myself together at all and refused to even look at him.  It is something that I still struggle with every day but like the other girls said, you have to forgive the decisions you make on the hardest day of your life.  I sat in the same room as my baby boy for 8 mins as he held on for life and did nothing... Its hard, not to beat yourself but you can't. You have to accept it and feel sad or angry and then let just accept it..

But I understand and can relate to you and know that everyone is here for you.

diamante1181

I have felt incredible guilt over the same thing. We never held the twins, and they tried several times to get me to hold them, and I was not strong enough to do so. I still feel at times that I am a horrible person for not having held them, and handing them off to "strangers". MH says that when they came out, they were still trying to suck their thumbs. It was the most heartbreaking thing I could have ever imagined. I just hope that one day I can forgive myself fully for the decisions I have made, because there was no way in telling which were the right ones. I hope you can see that despite that fact, there is more love than what can be measured, and one gesture could never erase that. 

princezjk

I am so sorry you are dealing with feelings if guilt, though I definitely think its part of the territory for loss moms. We were all forced to make really hard decisions at an unimaginable time. I hope we will all find peace and forgiveness for ourselves. Sending so many (((hugs))) to everyone.

sunflwra

My husband and I had the same plan- our baby was going to be delivered at 20.5 weeks and we wanted to keep the sweet picture in our mind and not potentially spoil it. I had a change of heart at the last second and asked to hold him after they cleaned him. The nurse that took care of him asked us if we'd been told what to expect with what he would look like. We didn't know and she tried to tell us. I told her that I didn't want a sad or scary (not the right word, but I couldn't think how to better describe it) image to remember him by. She suggested that I may not want to see him then and I trusted her judgment.  It's a terrible situation that no one can decide but you. It's different for everyone and you do the best that you can. Try to be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

VyD81

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Unfortunately it's a feeling that all loss moms have. Hugs.