Tough decision-long but I need some help!

SmallPotatoes

I apologize for the length of this in advance. I promise to use paragraphs, proper grammar and punctuation.

My SO and I have been together for 10 months. We met when he was separated from his wife. His divorce has been final for awhile now, we have been living together for 5 months and this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. Neither of us like drama, his divorce, while not drama-free was mutual, somewhat friendly and their marriage did not result in any children. She has a bf, they live together and she seems to be very happy as well. SO and I are 31 and 33, have great careers with (hopefully) a future. We also live on his family farm and we love to run the farm together. I really am a very lucky girl.

WELL, in October I found out that I am pregnant. We obviously are not ready to get married at this point. He is gun shy about marriage, which I have known since I met him. He has told me that he loves me and is as committed to me as any married person. His divorce has taught him that marriage truly is just a piece of paper and does not prove anything as far as comittment is concerned (they were married 4 years (5 if you count the year of separation/divorce), she spent 3 telling him how unhappy she was and how she was going to leave him). I believe him when he says his comittment is equal to that of a marriage. I know he will never cheat and I know his love is not temporary or a result of him mourning his marriage. I know what we have is not something that everyone has and that a piece of paper will not make us any better for each other, etc. He acknowledges that marriage is important to me, he respects it and he has said even though at this point he does not believe that marriage makes a relationship, we will get married eventually because it is important to me and he does love me and is committed to me.He is not ready yet and I understand this.

I am also dead-set against engagement/marriage during my pregnancy or immediately following it anyway. I am not trying to prove anything to anyone, I have no desire to rush a thrown together crap wedding just to "get it out of the way" so that I can "do what is right."

The problem lies in the fact that in my heart I am very upset that this is happening before I am married. The other day I realized that though we will have a VERY loving family (me, SO and baby) it isn't going to feel like a real family if he and the baby have the same last name and I don't. It feels like I am going to be excluded from my own family. I give birth to my baby, I am committed to my baby's father 100% and I can't see any reason why that would change, but we don't get to have a family name. "The X family" doesn't exist. it is "The X family and Y." I was thinking that I could hyphinate but our last names sound stupid together and I would change it when we get married anyway. I don't feel right giving it my last name and there are plenty of males in my family to carry on my family name anyway. 

I haven't discussed this with him. I do not want him to see it as me pressuring him to propose to me or anything. If it result in a proposal just because I am upset about last names I would be even MORE upset and would really feel like my proposal was forced.

Anyway bumpers...what should I do? My Dr. asked me what the baby's last name was going to be and I didn't have an answer.

Mysterious_wife

You should have thought of all of this before having pre-marital sex. We can't help you. You need to have this conversation with the dad. You need to decide together how to handle everything including the name

Jags8

I agree on not rushing into getting married right away. I know you love him, but having a kid together doesn't solidify a relationship. You could still end up separating (sorry to be a negative Nancy, but its possible). However, if/when you do get married, it would be annoying to have to change your name and baby's. So I would give your baby your SO's last name.

ClaireHuxtable

So, you think only a last name makes a "real" family and you aren't a real family unless everyone shares the same last name?  You do know there are many women who don't take their husband's last name right?  I didn't.  My family is just as real as those who share a common last name. 

Are you really upset over the name thing or are you trying to convince yourself that you don't really need to be married before the baby comes, because you don't want a "crap" wedding?  I don't see how you can possible think that you're going to feel excluded from your own family.  I'm sure you're going through "something", not sure what it is, but I just feel you're being very silly.  Reread your post. Especially the 5th paragraph.  See if you find it as offensive as I do. 

As far as last names go and what which one you plan on using -  this is something to discuss with your SO.  Not a board. Take this up with him. 

SmallPotatoes

It isn't that I feel like I am actually going to be physically excluded from my family and I understand that many people do not take their husband's last name when they are married. I am someone who would love to share the same last name as my SO and my baby and yes, to me it just feels right for a family to share the same last name. It doesn't matter to me if other people feel differently. I understand that pregnancy hormones probably have something to do with it.

I do not think that a child will solidify our relationship. I am well aware we could end up separating. People who date for 5 years and get married and have a child end up separating. People are married for 25 years and end up separating. Probably half of the people on this board talking about how amazing their marriages are will end up separating. 

I was just trying to explain that my relationship is just as solid and wonderful as other people who are TTC and having babies because so many people (not specifically anyone who replied or anything) feel like our relationship is "less than" because of our circumstances surrounding our dating.

ClaireHuxtable

Pregnancy hormones have nothing to do with it.  Stop it. 

As it relates to others thinking your relationship is "less than" - you gotta buck up.  The two of you made a decision - whether conscious or not and now you have a pregnancy to contend with and all the stuff that goes along with it. People are gonna judge are gonna judge are gonna judge. You just have to buck up, girl. 

  If there's nothing that's going to change about the status of your relationship in the next however many months until you give birth - stop focusing in on it. Nothing you can do about it now. 

I didn't mention it before - but Congrats on the pregnancy.

Pipes134

(Lurker here.)  It sounds like you're more worried about people judging you because of the circumstances of your relationship than anything else.  Yes, some people will judge.  Some will probably make inappropriate comments.  Most won't know the details and/or won't care.  But other people judging you is not a good reason to rush into a marriage.  At all.  If your relationship truly is as solid as you say, then just have trust in that and ignore what others might think.  There's plenty of time later to get married if that's what both of you want.  The name thing is also not a good reason.

SmallPotatoes

We do not have a divorce law or a last name law in my state.

I can talk to him about anything. It is not because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about things. I don't want to make a big deal out of it if I am overreacting. I do not have "bigger fish to fry" than trying to decide what the baby's last name should be. I am aware that relationships can end, I am aware that you do not need to have the same last name to be a family. 

Mysterious_wife

You asked our thoughts. We gave them. You cannot tell us how to respond.

SmallPotatoes

ClaireHuxtable said:

I didn't mention it before - but Congrats on the pregnancy.

Thank you, we are both very excited and have both wanted children for a very long time.

Josie400

SmallPotatoes said:

ClaireHuxtable said:

I didn't mention it before - but Congrats on the pregnancy.

Thank you, we are both very excited and have both wanted children for a very long time.

Then this is what you need to focus on. Not the part about being married or not, or the part about which family members have different last names.

FemShep

When DH and I got married, I kept my last name professionally and legally, and I use his name socially. Names don't make a family, as you know. And since you do know that, I wonder if you really are looking for a more "formal" commitment from your SO, especially given how new your relationship is. That's not a slam-I just think you need to look a little deeper at your own motivations since you are with someone who has told you he's not interested in marriage, you've known this about him, and you claim to know how irrelevant a last name is. In any case, as PPs have said, this is something to address with your SO. You should also get wills in place immediately since you won't have the usual survivorship rights spouses do and you want to be sure your LO is cared for if something happens to one (or both) of you, and you may want to consult with an attorney about other steps you may need to take to protect both parties' parental rights and responsibilities. Good luck to you.

RazzyRN

to be honestly without trying to sound snarky.. it sounds like you are battleing with youself, not the fact that you and your baby will have different last names for a period of time.. you are trying to tell yourself you dont want to rush a marriage or anything when infact in your heart you really do want that marriage even if its not the way or time frame you pictured it..

 

thats just my opinion..

SmileyJay

I think you need to examine your personal biases that are based in ignorance that are making you feel this way. A shared last name does not a happy family make. He shared a last name with his wife and that didn't exactly bond them.

What I don't understand about his reluctance, and something I have heard from other men before, is that they are all belittling marriage to just a sheet of paper. Well, if he honestly felt it meant so little, then why wouldn't he just go on and do it with anyone he just met? Do you know what I mean? You can't say it means nothing but then put it on a pedestal and say you aren't ready yet. I understand not being ready to jump into marriage just a few months after ending one, but then again I can't really understand being willing to sleep with someone else within months either. His reasoning is conflicting. If he truly is completely committed, and he truly believes that marriage is just a paper, and marriage is important to you and the family you are building together, then why not just do it? 

It sounds like you won't be happy either way. If he proposes now you will feel like it is rushed and for the wrong reasons. If he doesn't then you won't be happy you aren't married to the father of your child. There is no winning here unless you just accept the situation for what it is and let go of your preconceived notions of what a family should be. 

foreverapartofme

It sounds like you need to really sit down and talk out your concerns with SO.  I know you are early in your relationship and it is probably tough to have a completely open line of communication especially where he just went through a long divorce. Both of you have had a lot of change recently, and a lot more to come in the future.  Congratulations on the baby.  As far as the last name goes, I would give your LO your last name.  If you marry SO down the line, you and the baby can change your name if you want to.  Take it slow and communication is the key from here.  Best wishes.

krcran06

Been married 2.5 years and still have not legally changed my name because of the paperwork involved living abroad.  Until the ring is on your finger and you have the paper in hand keep your babies name in your name- God forbid anything happens it will be a legal hassle to deal with.  It seems that you were only with this man for 6-7 months before getting pregnant which is not a lot of time particularly if he was going through a divorce and separation at that time.  Have your baby, put your name on the certificate and when you all do finally get married consider it a reason to have a bbq party to celebrate that you all now have the same name- if names matter that much.