why does my husband not get "it"??

JBDamonM

I hate ranting about my husband on an online forum, but this time I could use the support of others in the same boat.

We are in a RIPPING argument at the moment. 100% his fault.  But what is really setting me off about it is how for the 18787897987897897 millionth time he is telling me how "I don't appreciate how much he does to help me." Um - you get up at 6 AM or whenever LO wakes up for the day with her (lately it's been 7:30).... woopty f-ing do. Last time I checked she's half your child, so yeah - you should be doing something.

I take 90% of the MOTN wakeups. Occasionally if I beg him enough he will do one, but literally it's a battle every.single.time.

Additionally, all of the laundry? yup, that's on me. The cooking and cleaning? me too. The Christmas shopping for all 9 of nieces and nephews? Yup,  I handled that too - except for one, in which he vetoed my idea and I will bet you 10 to 1 he doesn't get a gift.... Or he does it at 1:00 tomorrow. Ic ould go on and on but I am sure you ladies understand that part.

But the real digger in today's argument is him telling me I am too negative, and complain too much about things. True - I get overwhelmed a lot trying to juggle working, household chores and motherhood, and I'm sure the fact that I have not had a solid nights sleep in almost 9 month doesn't help either. but  this is what KILLS Me - Parenthood is not all puppies and rainbows. I love my daughter more than anything in the entire world (and went through quite a bit to get her)... but thtat doesn't mean it's easy.  That's the "it" I'm referring to. It makes my skin crawl to watch him put on a happy face ALL THE TIME and never express that things are sometimes hard, although maybe if I got to sleep every night I would feel the same way, or maybe if I was raised in his family where they all lie and are fake then I would take the same approach.

I am so frustrated today. I really feel like I am dealing with an irrational person.... Am I insane for seeing things as sometimes difficult and challenging??? Please tell me I'm not alone on that?

ClandestineX

You aren't alone in feeling that parenthood is difficult. You aren't alone in juggling things in life to try and make it work. 

A lot of men don't have that 'Oh I know I am supposed to do this to help' trigger in their head, some do yes, but a lot don't. I am not making excuses for anyone's actions.. it is just your man can be a natural at parenthood too or not (same goes for moms but it seems like there is less of that). Maybe he needs reassurance from you, by you saying "thanks" every once in a while. Some people love to hear that, they love to hear it that they are helping.. because if you don't say thanks or something they might think you don't think they are helping (make sense?). 

Make a chore list for him. There is even an one online somewhere where at the end of the week it is something, either sexual or something he loves to do for a prize. Is it childish? Maybe, but some guys love that stuff.. they love to see progress and it gives them a visible goal. 

As for the being happy thing, I don't know what you mean. I am smiling all the time despite feeling like shit, dealing with sadness, and being dead tired, and dealing with a shit ton of stress. Why does smiling make you angry? Some people are just optimistic. 

JBDamonM

 

ClandestineX said:

You aren't alone in feeling that parenthood is difficult. You aren't alone in juggling things in life to try and make it work. 

A lot of men don't have that 'Oh I know I am supposed to do this to help' trigger in their head, some do yes, but a lot don't. I am not making excuses for anyone's actions.. it is just your man can be a natural at parenthood too or not (same goes for moms but it seems like there is less of that). Maybe he needs reassurance from you, by you saying "thanks" every once in a while. Some people love to hear that, they love to hear it that they are helping.. because if you don't say thanks or something they might think you don't think they are helping (make sense?). 

Make a chore list for him. There is even an one online somewhere where at the end of the week it is something, either sexual or something he loves to do for a prize. Is it childish? Maybe, but some guys love that stuff.. they love to see progress and it gives them a visible goal. 

As for the being happy thing, I don't know what you mean. I am smiling all the time despite feeling like shit, dealing with sadness, and being dead tired, and dealing with a shit ton of stress. Why does smiling make you angry? Some people are just optimistic. 

I am happy, but I approach things differently than he does. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people about sleep woes. It's not like I'm sitting there saying "This is horrible, I never sleep." but if people ask I don't see the harm in an honest answer etc. It goes back to the point that parenthood is hard. He believes in a fake front that everything is a walk in the park all the time. It's just not how I operate.

This "you don't appreciate me" has been an ongoing battle in our house. It is definitely something we struggle with. I think we are both overwhelmed with how much work it involves....I have put a congisant effort into always saying Thank You.....so I truthfully don't get where he's coming from.  It's nice that he has that time with her every day but there is  A LOT more he could be doing.

 

Kate_C

LOL at the sticker chart.

I'm sorry you are so frustrated. Any chance you have family that could give you one night off to sleep? It might make a world of difference for your outlook. Chronic sleep deprivation is no joke and I feel you there.

Agree with @clandestinex re: guys not getting it. My H is an awesome dad and helps a ton. But there is still a frequent inability to think a step ahead about things that need to get done. That's why if we relied on him for "meal planning" we'd end up with frozen pizza or spaghetti every night because it requires no planning.

Maybe his smiling isn't a failure to acknowledge how hard parenthood is. Maybe it's just a recognition that having a bad attitude about how hard it is doesn't help matters? H and I are opposite of you and your H in attitude and I can tell you it drives me bonkers that my H is always angry/resentful about life. Yes, parenthood is hard and I often want to sell our toddler to gypsies. But having a bad attitude about it just makes it harder on everyone and especially our relationship.

Again sorry you are struggling, and I hope you can take a break to get into a better frame of mind.

Sol1790

Oh your not alone and I am sorry you are going through this. It is a tough,hard,challenging road. I am on the same boat SO doesnt help me much and I am expecting our 2nd child sometimes idk how I am going to make it work. Especially with someone who does not help out and does not see what they are doing wrong. But hang in there. I reAlly hope things get better for you.

JBDamonM

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

JBDamonM

chgibeau said:

You aren't alone.  Raising a child is difficult.  DH doesn't think it's supposed to be. He doesn't know one thing about parenting yet he thinks it's supposed to be easy.

DH thinks that raising a child should be easy and says things like "he needs to start going to bed later". Um, no. He needs to sleep. DS's sleep trumps our desire to spend time with him. or "He better start taking longer naps". Well, some babies are just cat nappers. Yelling or using a stern voice will not change how DS acts or what DS needs.

I/We are in counseling for my level of stress. It has shot thru the roof since having DS because DH only does things that he thinks needs to be done (like build a shed or rake leaves) instead of what really needs to get done (care for DS, cook meals and clean laundry).  His priorities are not the same as mine. He thinks the appearance of our yard is more important than spending time with our son. I think spending time with my son trumps EVERYTHING including cleaning or yard work.

ETA. DH has NEVER gotten up MOTN. Not once.  He totally has it easy and yet he still complains that DS is so much work.  Also, he watched DS all day on Friday and since he spent 9 hours with him, he apparently didn't think he needed to spend ANY time with him on Sat or Sun.  I don't understand not wanting to play with your child.

Our situations sound very similiar.

My DD was crying a lot Saturday night after we (and by we  I mean I) put her to bed.....and DH says "she's just doing it because she knows she can." Yup - that's it; for sure.

Yesterday I encouraged him to go to see his niece and nephew in a play. Since DD is too small to sit through a play - I stayed home with her, alone, all day.  When he got home he snapped at me because he had taken her... while I cooked dinner and he wanted to give her back to me and I said No. As I was COOKING DINNEr.....Not to mention I just did single duty all day long.

And on a sidenote - my in - laws drive me CRAZY. I do not see any reason why we need to go to all of their kids events, nor would I expect them to come to all of my kids stuff. Having DH not around all day yesterday did nothing to help my stress level of feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to get done for the holidays.

Kate_C

JBDamonM said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug.

And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

JBDamonM

Kate_C said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug. And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

Thanks for the hug.

And regarding your point on asking a family  member for help so I could sleep - he could do this. He could take one night and get up with her and let me sleep through. Oh wait - that's right, he was supposed to do this twice last week because I had job interviews and he didn't deliver. I still ended up doing it.

He has acknowledged that I need a break and am burning out - and suggested giving LO to his mom for a night. I don't want to do that for two reasons. 1.) I don't feel it's his moms job or anyone else's to take my kid unless it's a valid reason (like a night out of town).....and 2.) I know I'll get LO back in worse shape.  Meaning she will be all out of wack and my MIL will feed her any time she wakes up. I've worked hard to eliminate the MOTN feeding and don't want that messed up!

ClandestineX

@JBDamonM - Yeah, I know it gets old fast. My husband and I are like water and oil when it comes to parenting. I come from single mothers who did everything and the guys had to keep up and/or watch the children.. he comes from his mom having the world on her shoulders and his father making the money, basically. We've argued until we were blue in the face about how much I need help. He really does not get it, still. I have to still remind him to clean the bottles when he is here.. I can throw the damn things, full of mold and stinking like rotten eggs at his head and he will look at me and be like "What??" 

I say thank you for helping me, to anyone really. That is just how I was raised. MIL still gets surprised by me thanking her when she cooks and helps me (although sometimes most times she is overbearing, lol.) When I am feeling really picky, and I do something for him I say "Thank you, Nikki" sarcastically and he usually gets it and says thank you to me. Maybe you can tell him if he wants to feel reassured then make sure he reassures you too. It isn't a one road type of thing.

@Kate_C and my husband sound similar. Which is why I commented about the being happy part. He is negative in every sense of the word. Which is probably why I am even more optimistic, because I have to be happy for the both of us. That, and I am way more prideful than I appear online. To me, (keywords: to me) showing sadness about life and being sad in front of people is a sign of my weakness. I talk about having troubles, but I am not moping about it and angry faced. I usually tell something that angered me in a sarcastic tone and laugh about it...

JSS1002

I haven't read the responses because they are LONG but I'm sure you got some great advice. You are not alone in feeling this way. I've yet to meet a married woman who doesn't do the lion's share of the housework/ childcare, whether or not she is a working mom or a SAHM.  Ditto on all you said about the planning - I'm a crazy over-planner, and if I didn't do that, we'd eat pizza every night or live in a slum.  Nothing would ever get done.  It is what it is.  

A couple of ideas -

A chore chart - that way there is no question of who does what or when it gets done.

Print this out (possibly edit it a little) and show it to him -- sometimes they really DON'T get it until you shove it in their faces.

I have a wonderful husband /father as a partner, but even so, there is shit like this that makes me crazy (ie, I've been asking for a month now that he install the convertible carseat and it still isn't done; last night he changed up the whole Christmas dinner menu without realizing I'd done all the planning already (duh, because NOBODY WOULD WAIT until two days before Christmas to plan the menu for 7 adults), there's still paint touch ups that need to be done on the walls that he was supposed to do while he was off work for A MONTH,etc...)

Mostly, hang in there and hopefully just venting makes you feel a little bit better!

tondraluv

May I make a suggestion? I was having this same problem. I read this article in the Wall Street Journal about couples doing yearly "reviews" like an employee performance review. I asked my husband if this is something he'd consider doing and he said yea. I gave him time to prepare & we scheduled time to give one another a review. For me personally, I found that this was a effective way to talk to by husband and give him the positive as well as negative feedback so he didn't feel like I was nagging him. It's only been a week since our talk & he has done more around the house to help out so we'll see if it continues.

JSS1002

JBDamonM said:

Kate_C said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug. And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

Thanks for the hug.

And regarding your point on asking a family  member for help so I could sleep - he could do this. He could take one night and get up with her and let me sleep through. Oh wait - that's right, he was supposed to do this twice last week because I had job interviews and he didn't deliver. I still ended up doing it.

He has acknowledged that I need a break and am burning out - and suggested giving LO to his mom for a night. I don't want to do that for two reasons. 1.) I don't feel it's his moms job or anyone else's to take my kid unless it's a valid reason (like a night out of town).....and 2.) I know I'll get LO back in worse shape.  Meaning she will be all out of wack and my MIL will feed her any time she wakes up. I've worked hard to eliminate the MOTN feeding and don't want that messed up!

Okay,now I've read the responses.  Here are two more thoughts.

You guys sound like us, but opposite - my husband can be soooooooo negative that it drivesme BONKERS.  Sometimes I'll just not talk for an hour and count how many things he complains about, criticizes,etc... never about ME or our family,but the outside world.  It drives me crazy.  I am very glass half full.  That isn't to say that I don't have many many moments of complaining but overall, I'm a positive person.  It is hard for me to listen to him be that negative, and sometimes I feel then like I need to over-compensate for his negativity in order to not feel like I'm living in gloom and doom. However, the harder I try to be positive, sometimes the more negative he seems.  I suspect that is what is going on with you guys -- because in the end, what REALLY works to snap him out of it, is if I take his side (negative as it may be) and commiserate / complain with him, about whatever it is.  I think he just wants to feel like somebody "gets" him, and I suspect that is what is going on with you guys as well -- but in reverse.  The lower you go, the higher he goes, when really you just want your buddy to say "Yep, this fucking sucks, gah" and then you can figure your way through it.  

As for the bolded above -- real talk - you can't have it both ways.  You've acknowledged that you're burned out and need a break and your DH agrees and is trying to give you that break. This is the way he's trying to help you.  So I would take him up on it and let your MIL help out -- which would probably mean the world to her as well.  Maybe she'll feet during MOTN, maybe not, but at least you'll get to rest and NOT be a parent for a night, which could do you both a world of good!

JBDamonM

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

Kate_C said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug. And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

Thanks for the hug.

And regarding your point on asking a family  member for help so I could sleep - he could do this. He could take one night and get up with her and let me sleep through. Oh wait - that's right, he was supposed to do this twice last week because I had job interviews and he didn't deliver. I still ended up doing it.

He has acknowledged that I need a break and am burning out - and suggested giving LO to his mom for a night. I don't want to do that for two reasons. 1.) I don't feel it's his moms job or anyone else's to take my kid unless it's a valid reason (like a night out of town).....and 2.) I know I'll get LO back in worse shape.  Meaning she will be all out of wack and my MIL will feed her any time she wakes up. I've worked hard to eliminate the MOTN feeding and don't want that messed up!

Okay,now I've read the responses.  Here are two more thoughts.

You guys sound like us, but opposite - my husband can be soooooooo negative that it drivesme BONKERS.  Sometimes I'll just not talk for an hour and count how many things he complains about, criticizes,etc... never about ME or our family,but the outside world.  It drives me crazy.  I am very glass half full.  That isn't to say that I don't have many many moments of complaining but overall, I'm a positive person.  It is hard for me to listen to him be that negative, and sometimes I feel then like I need to over-compensate for his negativity in order to not feel like I'm living in gloom and doom. However, the harder I try to be positive, sometimes the more negative he seems.  I suspect that is what is going on with you guys -- because in the end, what REALLY works to snap him out of it, is if I take his side (negative as it may be) and commiserate / complain with him, about whatever it is.  I think he just wants to feel like somebody "gets" him, and I suspect that is what is going on with you guys as well -- but in reverse.  The lower you go, the higher he goes, when really you just want your buddy to say "Yep, this fucking sucks, gah" and then you can figure your way through it.  

As for the bolded above -- real talk - you can't have it both ways.  You've acknowledged that you're burned out and need a break and your DH agrees and is trying to give you that break. This is the way he's trying to help you.  So I would take him up on it and let your MIL help out -- which would probably mean the world to her as well.  Maybe she'll feet during MOTN, maybe not, but at least you'll get to rest and NOT be a parent for a night, which could do you both a world of good!

OMG. Guilty. And I never even realized it

JSS1002

JBDamonM said:

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

Kate_C said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug. And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

Thanks for the hug.

And regarding your point on asking a family  member for help so I could sleep - he could do this. He could take one night and get up with her and let me sleep through. Oh wait - that's right, he was supposed to do this twice last week because I had job interviews and he didn't deliver. I still ended up doing it.

He has acknowledged that I need a break and am burning out - and suggested giving LO to his mom for a night. I don't want to do that for two reasons. 1.) I don't feel it's his moms job or anyone else's to take my kid unless it's a valid reason (like a night out of town).....and 2.) I know I'll get LO back in worse shape.  Meaning she will be all out of wack and my MIL will feed her any time she wakes up. I've worked hard to eliminate the MOTN feeding and don't want that messed up!

Okay,now I've read the responses.  Here are two more thoughts.

You guys sound like us, but opposite - my husband can be soooooooo negative that it drivesme BONKERS.  Sometimes I'll just not talk for an hour and count how many things he complains about, criticizes,etc... never about ME or our family,but the outside world.  It drives me crazy.  I am very glass half full.  That isn't to say that I don't have many many moments of complaining but overall, I'm a positive person.  It is hard for me to listen to him be that negative, and sometimes I feel then like I need to over-compensate for his negativity in order to not feel like I'm living in gloom and doom. However, the harder I try to be positive, sometimes the more negative he seems.  I suspect that is what is going on with you guys -- because in the end, what REALLY works to snap him out of it, is if I take his side (negative as it may be) and commiserate / complain with him, about whatever it is.  I think he just wants to feel like somebody "gets" him, and I suspect that is what is going on with you guys as well -- but in reverse.  The lower you go, the higher he goes, when really you just want your buddy to say "Yep, this fucking sucks, gah" and then you can figure your way through it.  

As for the bolded above -- real talk - you can't have it both ways.  You've acknowledged that you're burned out and need a break and your DH agrees and is trying to give you that break. This is the way he's trying to help you.  So I would take him up on it and let your MIL help out -- which would probably mean the world to her as well.  Maybe she'll feet during MOTN, maybe not, but at least you'll get to rest and NOT be a parent for a night, which could do you both a world of good!

OMG. Guilty. And I never even realized it

Just remember at the end of the day that you guys are on the same team. A rising tide levels all boats :-)

JBDamonM

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

Kate_C said:

@kate_c - thank you. It's helpful for me to see it from the opposite perspective.  I am a negative person by nature and I know there is room for improvement. However today I feel like my DH has given up on me

Which I don't think is fair; for obvious reasons.

 

I'm sorry you feel like he's given up on you. I've got nothing for you there but a creepy internet hug. And reading your other responses re: faking that everything is ok, I can see why you are frustrated with him. There is a difference between acknowledging that things are hard, but keeping a good attitude to power through, and pretending everything is perfect. You deserve to have him acknowledge that this shit is hard and that you both are working hard to keep the ship afloat.

Thanks for the hug.

And regarding your point on asking a family  member for help so I could sleep - he could do this. He could take one night and get up with her and let me sleep through. Oh wait - that's right, he was supposed to do this twice last week because I had job interviews and he didn't deliver. I still ended up doing it.

He has acknowledged that I need a break and am burning out - and suggested giving LO to his mom for a night. I don't want to do that for two reasons. 1.) I don't feel it's his moms job or anyone else's to take my kid unless it's a valid reason (like a night out of town).....and 2.) I know I'll get LO back in worse shape.  Meaning she will be all out of wack and my MIL will feed her any time she wakes up. I've worked hard to eliminate the MOTN feeding and don't want that messed up!

Okay,now I've read the responses.  Here are two more thoughts.

You guys sound like us, but opposite - my husband can be soooooooo negative that it drivesme BONKERS.  Sometimes I'll just not talk for an hour and count how many things he complains about, criticizes,etc... never about ME or our family,but the outside world.  It drives me crazy.  I am very glass half full.  That isn't to say that I don't have many many moments of complaining but overall, I'm a positive person.  It is hard for me to listen to him be that negative, and sometimes I feel then like I need to over-compensate for his negativity in order to not feel like I'm living in gloom and doom. However, the harder I try to be positive, sometimes the more negative he seems.  I suspect that is what is going on with you guys -- because in the end, what REALLY works to snap him out of it, is if I take his side (negative as it may be) and commiserate / complain with him, about whatever it is.  I think he just wants to feel like somebody "gets" him, and I suspect that is what is going on with you guys as well -- but in reverse.  The lower you go, the higher he goes, when really you just want your buddy to say "Yep, this fucking sucks, gah" and then you can figure your way through it.  

As for the bolded above -- real talk - you can't have it both ways.  You've acknowledged that you're burned out and need a break and your DH agrees and is trying to give you that break. This is the way he's trying to help you.  So I would take him up on it and let your MIL help out -- which would probably mean the world to her as well.  Maybe she'll feet during MOTN, maybe not, but at least you'll get to rest and NOT be a parent for a night, which could do you both a world of good!

OMG. Guilty. And I never even realized it

Just remember at the end of the day that you guys are on the same team. A rising tide levels all boats :-)

But that's just it - he appears to have jumped ship

I'm not kidding - he's in a bad way... it's like someone flipped a switch with him yesterday afternoon and he's done with me. And that's just the thing - I've done NOTHING other than asking him to come straight home after the play yesterday and texting him that "I regretted encouraging him to go because I had no patience and it was a tough afternoon..." However - after that we texted all day-  no tension and then all hell broke lose over the nice meal I had cooked for us.

Two things I have not mentioned also contributing:

1.) We're in a battle over naming DD's godparents.... He wants his sister AND Brother in law - and is arguing with me that they should be married..... Um, IRRELEVANT. You get one and I get one, that's fair. And I only have sisters - so why should I lose out? Not to mention I'm actually religous.

2.) He lost his job a month ago. No reason other than "bad fit." I was trying not to mention this on the board, but I'm clearly defeated today.I  feel that I have been his doormat for his frustrations about this and it's certainly not fair. I never signed up for this, but it's the hand we were dealt and I've been spending all my free time helping with hisj ob search. Additionally, yes, you are not working - you should be getting up MOTN, you should be cleaning the house and I should not have been asking you for over a month to take apart LO's swing.

I suspect I'm getting the wrath for his unhappiness on the above, but I am still really at a loss.  Today I feel like I don't know how to rebound from this and fix my marriage

JSS1002

JBDamonM said:

1.) We're in a battle over naming DD's godparents.... He wants his sister AND Brother in law - and is arguing with me that they should be married..... Um, IRRELEVANT. You get one and I get one, that's fair. And I only have sisters - so why should I lose out? Not to mention I'm actually religous.

2.) He lost his job a month ago. No reason other than "bad fit." I was trying not to mention this on the board, but I'm clearly defeated today.I  feel that I have been his doormat for his frustrations about this and it's certainly not fair. I never signed up for this, but it's the hand we were dealt and I've been spending all my free time helping with hisj ob search. Additionally, yes, you are not working - you should be getting up MOTN, you should be cleaning the house and I should not have been asking you for over a month to take apart LO's swing.

I suspect I'm getting the wrath for his unhappiness on the above, but I am still really at a loss.  Today I feel like I don't know how to rebound from this and fix my marriage

Oh girlfriend, NOW you're speaking my language. This happened to us about 3 months ago.  Exact same deal- his contract "ended early" but really it was a bad fit. He was home for a month before his new contract started.  But we didn't know at the time whether he'd be home for 5 days or 5 months.  It was hard. I still did all my same stuff that I did while he was working. No break for me.  I didn't like it. It was hard on me and I think on our marriage, and I think of course he was in a tough place because he felt awful about losing his job and leaving me as the breadwinner.

So there could be some male ego stuff going on with him too -- male confidence is SO closely tied to jobs and success.... 

I really think you should let your MIL take LO for a night so you can reconnect.  

JBDamonM

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

1.) We're in a battle over naming DD's godparents.... He wants his sister AND Brother in law - and is arguing with me that they should be married..... Um, IRRELEVANT. You get one and I get one, that's fair. And I only have sisters - so why should I lose out? Not to mention I'm actually religous.

2.) He lost his job a month ago. No reason other than "bad fit." I was trying not to mention this on the board, but I'm clearly defeated today.I  feel that I have been his doormat for his frustrations about this and it's certainly not fair. I never signed up for this, but it's the hand we were dealt and I've been spending all my free time helping with hisj ob search. Additionally, yes, you are not working - you should be getting up MOTN, you should be cleaning the house and I should not have been asking you for over a month to take apart LO's swing.

I suspect I'm getting the wrath for his unhappiness on the above, but I am still really at a loss.  Today I feel like I don't know how to rebound from this and fix my marriage

Oh girlfriend, NOW you're speaking my language. This happened to us about 3 months ago.  Exact same deal- his contract "ended early" but really it was a bad fit. He was home for a month before his new contract started.  But we didn't know at the time whether he'd be home for 5 days or 5 months.  It was hard. I still did all my same stuff that I did while he was working. No break for me.  I didn't like it. It was hard on me and I think on our marriage, and I think of course he was in a tough place because he felt awful about losing his job and leaving me as the breadwinner.

So there could be some male ego stuff going on with him too -- male confidence is SO closely tied to jobs and success.... 

I really think you should let your MIL take LO for a night so you can reconnect.  

Yeah, I strongly suspect this is the real root of the problem, but it's not going to make it go away unfortunately.

And yeah - so I've been on the brink of a breakdown the past month dealing with working full time, dealing with a teeting and now sick LO, trying to keep the house clean (which is doubly messy with him being home) and deal with now improvised finances.  I'm at my wits end, and when it initally happened he came home and said "how I no longer had to get up MOTN as he was going to be Mr. Mom and promised me he would not fall into bad habits." Empty promises. I"ll leave it at that.

So to now be getting this BS thrown in my face is really killing me And he's impossible - it's like talking to a brick wall. This is an ugly side of him. 

JSS1002

JBDamonM said:

JSS1002 said:

JBDamonM said:

1.) We're in a battle over naming DD's godparents.... He wants his sister AND Brother in law - and is arguing with me that they should be married..... Um, IRRELEVANT. You get one and I get one, that's fair. And I only have sisters - so why should I lose out? Not to mention I'm actually religous.

2.) He lost his job a month ago. No reason other than "bad fit." I was trying not to mention this on the board, but I'm clearly defeated today.I  feel that I have been his doormat for his frustrations about this and it's certainly not fair. I never signed up for this, but it's the hand we were dealt and I've been spending all my free time helping with hisj ob search. Additionally, yes, you are not working - you should be getting up MOTN, you should be cleaning the house and I should not have been asking you for over a month to take apart LO's swing.

I suspect I'm getting the wrath for his unhappiness on the above, but I am still really at a loss.  Today I feel like I don't know how to rebound from this and fix my marriage

Oh girlfriend, NOW you're speaking my language. This happened to us about 3 months ago.  Exact same deal- his contract "ended early" but really it was a bad fit. He was home for a month before his new contract started.  But we didn't know at the time whether he'd be home for 5 days or 5 months.  It was hard. I still did all my same stuff that I did while he was working. No break for me.  I didn't like it. It was hard on me and I think on our marriage, and I think of course he was in a tough place because he felt awful about losing his job and leaving me as the breadwinner.

So there could be some male ego stuff going on with him too -- male confidence is SO closely tied to jobs and success.... 

I really think you should let your MIL take LO for a night so you can reconnect.  

Yeah, I strongly suspect this is the real root of the problem, but it's not going to make it go away unfortunately.

And yeah - so I've been on the brink of a breakdown the past month dealing with working full time, dealing with a teeting and now sick LO, trying to keep the house clean (which is doubly messy with him being home) and deal with now improvised finances.  I'm at my wits end, and when it initally happened he came home and said "how I no longer had to get up MOTN as he was going to be Mr. Mom and promised me he would not fall into bad habits." Empty promises. I"ll leave it at that.

So to now be getting this BS thrown in my face is really killing me And he's impossible - it's like talking to a brick wall. This is an ugly side of him. 

I'm so sorry. I know what you're going through. I don't have a ton of advice, other than what I said above that it might be a good idea to have a night off together, to reconnect as adults and a married couple and not as parents. Just go out and have fun together and try to take the pressure off a little bit.  

CanukMam

ClandestineX said:

You aren't alone in feeling that parenthood is difficult. You aren't alone in juggling things in life to try and make it work. 

A lot of men don't have that 'Oh I know I am supposed to do this to help' trigger in their head, some do yes, but a lot don't. I am not making excuses for anyone's actions.. it is just your man can be a natural at parenthood too or not (same goes for moms but it seems like there is less of that). Maybe he needs reassurance from you, by you saying "thanks" every once in a while. Some people love to hear that, they love to hear it that they are helping.. because if you don't say thanks or something they might think you don't think they are helping (make sense?). 

Make a chore list for him. There is even an one online somewhere where at the end of the week it is something, either sexual or something he loves to do for a prize. Is it childish? Maybe, but some guys love that stuff.. they love to see progress and it gives them a visible goal. 

As for the being happy thing, I don't know what you mean. I am smiling all the time despite feeling like shit, dealing with sadness, and being dead tired, and dealing with a shit ton of stress. Why does smiling make you angry? Some people are just optimistic. 

This goes both ways, One morning Hubby said "thanks for getting up with him all night" and it totally made my day.

Also, I find if I dwell on how many times I get up each night (yes, every night... still...) then I'll just go crazy. I think at this point I don't know what it feels like to not be exhausted.. but I keep telling myself it won't last forever.

MH has always been a 'partner' in this but when he took some of my maternity leave (Canada) I find he is soooooooooo much better with LO. He never asked why I didn't do much during the day while he was working, but now he really gets it why I didn't "have supper made" or do much at all during the day. He's also much more appreciative of what I can do.

CanukMam

JBDamonM said:

 

ClandestineX said:

You aren't alone in feeling that parenthood is difficult. You aren't alone in juggling things in life to try and make it work. 

A lot of men don't have that 'Oh I know I am supposed to do this to help' trigger in their head, some do yes, but a lot don't. I am not making excuses for anyone's actions.. it is just your man can be a natural at parenthood too or not (same goes for moms but it seems like there is less of that). Maybe he needs reassurance from you, by you saying "thanks" every once in a while. Some people love to hear that, they love to hear it that they are helping.. because if you don't say thanks or something they might think you don't think they are helping (make sense?). 

Make a chore list for him. There is even an one online somewhere where at the end of the week it is something, either sexual or something he loves to do for a prize. Is it childish? Maybe, but some guys love that stuff.. they love to see progress and it gives them a visible goal. 

As for the being happy thing, I don't know what you mean. I am smiling all the time despite feeling like shit, dealing with sadness, and being dead tired, and dealing with a shit ton of stress. Why does smiling make you angry? Some people are just optimistic. 

I am happy, but I approach things differently than he does. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people about sleep woes. It's not like I'm sitting there saying "This is horrible, I never sleep." but if people ask I don't see the harm in an honest answer etc. It goes back to the point that parenthood is hard. He believes in a fake front that everything is a walk in the park all the time. It's just not how I operate.

This "you don't appreciate me" has been an ongoing battle in our house. It is definitely something we struggle with. I think we are both overwhelmed with how much work it involves....I have put a congisant effort into always saying Thank You.....so I truthfully don't get where he's coming from.  It's nice that he has that time with her every day but there is  A LOT more he could be doing.

 

I think "Thank you's" should be given and not expected. Kind of like a Gift. He shouldn't feel entitled to be appreciated for taking care of his child. I get the feeling that he thinks you should be grateful for help, like he's doing you a favor... It's 50/50 buddy, it's your duty, not a favor to you

JBDamonM

Thank you ladies. Today was a really bad, low day for me but I am grateful for a bunch of people who can relate to some of what I have said.
I thank you all for your suggestions and feedback and will take them to heart as DH and I can hopefully get to a better spot.

Merry Christmas and a serious thanks again. I needed an ear today and when close friends failed me - my A13 girls delivered

burneyonboard

Amen (puts two dollars in the collection plate)! I know I'm late but you are not alone. We are going through the same thing. I may try @tondraluv idea. When you do everything it's hard to give them a pat on the back for doing one little thing. Don't get me started lol. Hang in there! You are doing a great job