Comforting others

stefuge

Is it just me, or is anyone else tired of comforting others about how they have handled your loss? In the past week I've had 2 different friends approach me to say how sorry they are that they haven't been around, haven't been asking about us, haven't been supportive. Of course I am so grateful and appreciative of them reaching out and telling me this, but both times I ended up sitting there telling them "it's okay" and "I understand" and comforting them, and really I have needed all the support I could get the last four months, and where were they then? I know it is silly to be complaining, I think I just needed to vent.

jonahsma

Not silly at all. My bff of 17 years has only text me maybe twice since my nov 6 loss. I don't think they understand how much we need them even if its just wanting to tell them how we are feeling at the moment. I totally understand. We need the comforting, the shoulder. (( hugs))

kz's_girlygirl

I totally get it.  People want forgiveness for being crappy friends, lol.  They don't know how to 'be there' so they don't.  I get that everyone has things going on in their lives, but sometimes I feel so bitter about this.  If an older family member had passed away, like a mother, father or sibling, (someone they knew and might have been affected by the death of) I bet they would have been calling and bringing dinner. 

My patience for situations like this is so thin- when my best friend apologized the other day for not getting in touch since Jesse died, I just said, eh, it is what it is.  Not what she wanted to hear probably, but I only have energy to comfort myself! 

mingaling2

I totally understand, too. It's exhausting. 

weddedwife

kz's_girlygirl said:

I totally get it.  People want forgiveness for being crappy friends, lol.  They don't know how to 'be there' so they don't.  I get that everyone has things going on in their lives, but sometimes I feel so bitter about this.  If an older family member had passed away, like a mother, father or sibling, (someone they knew and might have been affected by the death of) I bet they would have been calling and bringing dinner. 

My patience for situations like this is so thin- when my best friend apologized the other day for not getting in touch since Jesse died, I just said, eh, it is what it is.  Not what she wanted to hear probably, but I only have energy to comfort myself! 

This, totally. We have lost touch with many people since our loss. It was very hard to deal with at the time but now I feel "cleansed" of them somehow. It made us realize the shallowness of those relationships and that they were probably destined to fail anyway. Still, the way they did fail was extra hard on us.

When people have come to us apologizing and making excuses I REFUSE to say "it's okay". It is NOT OK. It's about the worst thing they could've done. There is no undoing it, no changing the fact that when we most needed them they were not there for us. I don't tell them off, but in my mind I know there is no longer any relationship there; they are not our friends because we can now see that we can't count on them.

I've had a lot of time to sit with these realizations so now, I'm okay with it. Now I have the "less is more" perspective. We have fewer friends, but better friends. Life is too short to spend with people like that.

Xath

Someone had a really helpful image with the circles of grief. It was a chart to guide people in time of sadness of who they needed to comfort and who they could seek comfort from.