Late Term and Child Loss

Ideas for friend ::ticker warning::

My co-worker/good friend is losing her baby due to holoprosencephaly and triploidy. I recently had an early miscarriage and she came to my house with this awesome care package and was so great to me. Any ideas on what to do for her? Any grief books? TIA
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Re: Ideas for friend ::ticker warning::

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    The things people did for us was that we really appreciated was:

    -brought us food (stuff that can be frozen is great)

    -ran errands for us, such as rescheduling my dentist appt, called my boss to inform him, made funeral arrangements

    -cleaned our house

    -my friend gave me this beautiful plaque with an angel ornament in the middle and it says Carried to Heaven on Angel's wings.  It also doubles as an ornament for christmas.

    The biggest thing that helped us was people saying "what can we do" (and they'd make suggestions, do you need this done, etc) and meaning it.  I have a hard time accepting help, but knowing people really wanted to help made it easier and letting people do these things for us was a huge weight off our shoulders.  Most often people say "give me a call if I can do anything for you" which is too open ended and leaves the person feeling like they don't want to bother them with anything.

    I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!


  • I am so sorry. You are a wonderful friend for reaching out to see how you can help.

    I agree with what @angelsnight wrote. Meals are really helpful. If they have other children perhaps offering to help out with childcare would be helpful for them too. Something with their child's name on it such as an ornament is very meaningful. My friend did that for our daughter and we adore the ornament. I think the most important thing is to continue to be there for her way beyond those initial weeks because that is when everyone else typically moves on and for grieving parents that is far from the case.

    I personally probably wouldn't want a book on grieving but that might just be me.

    I also agree with the "what can we do" statement instead of "let me know if I can help". Chances are she might feel strange asking for help but if you can give her certain examples like we mentioned of what you can do to help, that might make it easier on her.
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  • ***Siggy warning***

    I agree with the other two. Also, consider gifting her remembrance jewelry, but let her pick it out. Its a very personal choice on whether or not to wear a declaration around your neck, finger, etc. 

    Also, you may consider giving her a kit to make plaster molds of the baby's hands and feet if she is going to deliver the baby. I dont know how far along she is or if she will do a medical procedure, so that may or may not work. 
    Lilypie - (qptF)

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."

  • I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. It is always wonderful to have a friend like you. I guess all the suggestions above are the great things you can do.

    I don't know how religious your friend is but I really like the book, Born To Fly: An infant's journey to God by Cindy Claussen.
  • I am sorry to hear about your friend. I agree with the PP - anything that will help with meals, cleaning, and just letting her know you are there for her. 

    EDD 1/8/10 - our sweet sunshine DD born 12/30/09
    EDD 2/15/14 - Stillbirth at 21 wks 10/02/13
    EDD 8/12/15 - MMC 1/12/15
    EDD 12/24/15

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
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  • you've gotten excellent advice from PP's.

    I just want to reiterate to continue to check in with her...I have about 3 friends that will still every few months shoot me a text or ask me in person how I am REALLY doing and let me know that they are thinking of me and my daughter.  It's been over a year so most people don't say anything and I can't tell you how much it means to me to have people still ask about her.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)

    -5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)

    11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13

    8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF

    IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties

    12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!!  One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15

    Everyone Welcome.

  • The best most important thing that a friend has done for me is to just be there. We get together about once a week (and she makes a point to get in touch with me and schedule time every week) and we just talk. And she has told me that I can talk about Colton as much or as little as I want, for as long as I want, and it can be all about me every week if I need it to be. That has been amazing for me. She listens, she lets me cry, and it has been very very healing.

    I think it is great that you are thinking of your friend - she is blessed to have you!
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • The wonderful nurses at the hospital where my Elika passed made a beautiful care box with a clip of her hair and her hand print and foot print with her name. I realize this probably wont work for your friend but my family brought over flowers and my friends let me cry on their shoulders and listened even though it was the same things every time. Even now, four years later I know if I call my best friend up feeling sad and the need to cry, she'll let me vent and be angry. I know you want to do something physical for your friend but even just listening can help too.
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