Could use some others opinions.

hooligans4

Three months ago my husband said he didn't want to try anymore for a third (oldest is going to college in the fall and he is feaking out about it). I really want another and asked if we could try for 3 more months and he agreed. Well my 3 months are up and here is where I need some others opinions.

I see where my husband is coming from with having a college student and newborn, but we are only giving daughter state tuition money. Anything beyond that is her responsibility so financially it isn't going to be hard on us. I babysit from home so work won't be an issue either.
My husband is the type that will not do anything himself. Won't make apts, make calls, keep track of schedules or anything like that. So if he is done with trying for #3 he will need to get a vasectomy because hormonal birth control is out( it doesn't agree with my body).
Am I being selfish for not making the apts for him.
He hasn't brought it up yet and I havnt either because I want to keep trying.
Is it bad that i just leave it alone and see how long it takes him to bring it up. But if I do get pregnant (doubtful) in the meantime I don't want him to resent me or the baby.

Sorry for the long rant. This has been on my mind lately and I really don't know what to do.
I really need advice.

czarmom

(((Hugs)))  I don't think you're in the position to make a decision yet.   It seems like you and your husband are on different pages and making any permanent decisions at this point would likely be a mistake that either one of you will be resentful of in the future.   Maybe some counseling on finding out where you both want to be that is a place that will make you happy.   Or perhaps you and your husband should take an approach where you're not actively trying and not actively avoiding having a baby.  Perhaps it's the pressure of it all?   Not sure why your husband has suddenly had a change of heart, knowing that you would have a college age child.   I guess I don't really have any sound advice for you, but hope that you come to a decision that brings you peace.   

HeathernSteven

I was thinking what czarmom said, maybe not activley preventing or trying.  That is what my Dh and I decided a few nights ago, he gave me till the end of the year, I told him since last cycle starts mid Dec we will go into January But as we have never had a BFP it doesn't seem crazy to us to not prevent, since it seems we can't anyway. We are leaving the baby issue up to the universe...so if we miraculously get a BFP at 55 we will just go with the flow....although I am sure a lot of panicking would of course happen LOL but I have 14 years till then

MarylandWed

That's tough. Has he specifically said, "your time is up?" I would have a hard time making a vasectomy appt for my h if I wanted another baby. And obviously he knows how they are made. I'd probably see how it goes. He doesn't seem dead set on being done.

gscoville

I hate to sound harsh here, but you both definitely need to be on the very same page with wanting to try for another, and if you're not then you're right, if you 'happen' to get pregnant he will likely resent you for it and that could cause real problems for your marriage going forward. I would make the appointment for him and let him know when it is, and then leave it up to him to get himself to it, if he's truly ready to make that final decision and go through with it then you'll know he's serious about being done. He may not go, who knows, then if something happens at least he couldn't blame you. I just really feel like you cannot simply coast along as is hoping for an 'oops' to basically punish him for being disorganized in not making appointments, that's not healthy behaviour in any relationship.

rae_dylanzmom

I had a bit of this going on... DH was really overwhelmed when I got PG earlier this year. He  admitted that he felt a little relieved that I miscarried. (Broke my heart a bit, but it was honest.) Then he spent a month talking about a V,... and now we are trying again. I just had to let him work through his process and get there on his own terms... and now I feel better about it, too.

GL with your DH. I'd give it a little time (hard when we are all on the >35 board, I know).

2ndGeneration

 While my dh is on board with not using b/c (in our case, it was a diaphragm) he's not so much into 'trying'. It's just a lot of pressure for some guys.

 My feeling is-I think your dh does want a baby, since he was willing to try for awhile. With the oldest leaving, I think he's feeling scared (I know how that is!) and add the pressure of 'trying' with all the charts and opks and stuff....it's a lot for some guys. If he hasn't gotten himself a v, and is having sex with you, then frankly he's more ok with it than he's letting himself think.

 My dh was unnerved after 2 m/c's this year. What we have decided is, we'll just do whatever for now, no bc. I will probably use opks next cycle but just for myself, we're not going to go on strict 'we must have sex THIS NIGHT' schedules.

 Like the PP mentioned, my dh has had to work through stuff too. And men face pressure like us ladies do, about choosing to try for a baby when we're 'so old'. My opinion is-if your dh isn't trying to get a v, he's probably working through it and will be ok soon!

hooligans4

@czarmom and @HeathernSteven we have been doing the not trying not preventing for the last 8 years. With me having PCOS I have only gotten pregnant once (ended in a MC) so the chances of it actually happening again are slim to none.

@MarylandWed he has not said " our time is up" and we are still having unprotected sex. So I don't think he is dead set on being done. I think he is just stressed at the thought of starting over and sending one off to college at the same time.

@gscoville I appreciate your honest opinion. All that you said is what is my main concern. I feel like we are on the edge of making a huge step and neither of us is willing to take the first step.

@rachelinouray my husband also made the comment that losing our baby was a sigh that we should be done. That broke my heart. But after that he said we could keep trying for a few more months. I agree with you that they have to work through these issues on their own. He is fine with still having unprotected sex so I feel like he is still ok with trying.

@2ndGeneration my husband has ED so "trying" is never an option. I just cross my fingers that we will be able to have sex at least once during my fertile week. That is the extent of our trying. I really don't put pressure on him that way because I know it will end in not having sex. I kind of go with the Flo when it comes to timing sex. I guess that is why I have only gotten pregnant once in the past 8 years.

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I will just have to suck it up and have a heart to heart with him.