dealing with loss and in laws

breeanne1974

Hi Ladies -

I know it's been a while since I've been on. It's been very, very hard to accept that we are no longer eligible for IVF because of my low AMH and my pre-menopausal FSH. Additionally, I have a blocked left tube on the side with the best producing ovary. The odds are so stacked against me it's incredible.

FOR NO UNCERTAIN TERMS I am ABSOLUTELY NOT downplaying miscarriage because I have never experience one (thank the heavens) but I can't help to compare the failed IVF to miscarriage. I completely feel as if I am suffering as if I lost a child. And quite frankly, I have lost a child - the child I wanted to have very much. I'm angry, I'm mad as hell, and I'm destroyed inside. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I can't even get through writing this discussion without full blown sobs. My failed IVF occurred November 14th and I am still so sensitive about it.

To top it off, my SIL has a 21 year old unmarried daughter (who is also in and out of jail and never graduated from HS) who just found out she was pregnant from a relationship where the boy was cheating on his girlfriend - and he told the daughter he wants nothing to do with the baby. Well, my husband and I are one of 2 that have the youngest baby (yes my 3 year old is a baby ) and she continues to come to me mostly through Facebook private messaging about which bed should she choose, or her daughter "is having morning sickness so bad what do I feed her?", or "we are going to our sonogram today." My whole in law side has nothing but girls and this knocked up daughter has broken the "curse" and is pregnant with a boy. It's all I can do to reply with a "pretty bed", "try ginger ale", or "congrats on the boy". AND!!! Here's the kicker -  She knows we have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and we are seeing a RE. She knows we are trying to have a baby and we've had multiple fails. And yet she continues to seek my advise. It has gotten so bad that I asked my hubs to contact her and ask that she exercise a little sensitivity about this subject when talking with me. She went ape-shit all over him and said she would never contact us again (dramatic) and she has no one to talk to about this. 1) she is a nurse 2) she had another brother with a 4 month old, and 3) she has 2 sisters will kids over 4! She has people to talk to about this and then hung up on him. Usually I feel bad when I've hurt someone's feelings or brought something to their attention and they don't take it well but I honestly believe she is most definitely in the wrong here. It has made me feel like she is bragging or rubbing my nose in it when I really know she has finally come to terms with the situation and is getting excited about the baby. I want her to be excited about a new life coming soon and I want her to not screw up this kid like her daughter is. Of all times, I need the support of my family, in laws included. Every one I come into contact with should be trying to distract me and not bring up the elephant (or lack thereof in the room.)

How do you handle blatant references to having a baby when you are suffering from infertility and BFN month after month after month? I am really hurt she didn't say, "wow, I forgot that and I'm really sorry about that. I will try to curb my enthusiasm on FB private messages to her."

 Anyway there is my rant.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Santa brings you a BFP for Christmas!!!

CeCe8579

I don't have any advice but I am sorry you are dealing with this! Hugs!

suzieq9980

I have no words!  But sending big big hugs to you and DH!  You are suffering a loss, and you're allowed to grieve it!  I hope you enjoy Christmas with your DD and find some comfort. 

KC1212

I have expirenced primary infertility, secondary infertility and most recently an early loss.

Eventually, before my son came along, I simply grew to acceptance that we would simply live a childless life (I soon got pregnant) BUT my point is it just takes time.

It is basically all the classic stages of grief and the acceptance is the last and hardest to come by.

I don't doubt that a failed IVF feels like a loss - after all you were pregnant at the beginning of it.

I hate to say it but eventually I just developed a thick skin - I had to. Things have actually been easier on me now that I have my little boy he is truly the light of my life.

((Hugs))

Edit- I think there is a "only child - not by choice" board??? If you are throwing in the towel that is.

+SouthernMomma+

First I don't want you to take any offense, but I really couldn't read past you feel like you have lost a child. I've lost 5, starting with my son as a stillborn. I don't mean to be mean at all, so please don't take this that way... But I would have rather never been pregnant at all, than to experience such grief and heartbreak. I know what you're going thru is so incredibly hard, and I'm not downplaying that either girl... IF sucks no matter how you slice it... But from a mom that has had to send 5 angels to heaven... I call you lucky! Sending you hugs during your difficult time girl

pettycrocker

Breeanne! (huge hugs!) I am ALWAYS thinking of you, and wishing you peace in your life. I am so glad you checked in with us. 

I can totally related to that feeling of a failed IVF being like a miscarriage. I still have the pic of my 2 embryos on my mirror in the bedroom, and every night I look at it and thing "I am so sad that you can't be here with us little babies " I just can't bring myself to take the picture down, and I told H I really do feel like I lost my 2 babies Ugh.. So hard. 

Girl you are 100% right on point, your SIL is being a douche. A huge smelly douche. She's got tons of effing people to go to for this shit, she is definitely trying to make you feel like crap by "Oh hey! Infertile lady! My kid is knocked up by accident TEEHEE" Fuck her with a huge fucking stick. I hate her stupid guts, and I am so so sorry that she is being so effing inconsiderate to you. Hopefully she means what she says and you will not be bothered by her any more. I hate people like this, then she'll probably turn around and make it out like she was totally innocent, but she knows she's a smelly douche trying to make you feel like shit. UGH. 

As far as how I handle these issues, well it's a little different for me because NO ONE knows we are dealing with this IF, so I typically just act like I don't care, because really no one on either side of our families has presented a BFP for us to be happy about.. it's similar to this situation with you SILs daughter, you know? Oh great, you're knocked up with no way to take care of your kid, and you're going to a burden on your sick parents and or the state. Sending all the mazels your way 8-| 

freakyfast

I am so so so sorry Breanne.... Lots of (((((((HUGS))))))).  We too are pretty much in the closet and I just feel like I get punched in the gut every time, but I get back up and trudge along. 

Jen071407

((Hugs)) I have not gone through IVF yet, but I have had a mc, and I can only imagine that a failed IVF feels just like a miscarriage. It IS a loss. And such a long, emotional process. My mc was in August and I still get so very sad thinking about the baby that should have been. Time does help, but I know that's a cliche saying that makes you want to throw things. (Btw, I DID throw things) I really hope you find your way to a bfp or peace. Huge ((hugs)) girl.

GraceyandTroy

I'm so sorry.  Your SIL is being so selfish and you were right to have your husband address it with her.  And she continued to be selfish.  I'm glad to hear your husband supports you and is willing to stand up to other family members on your behalf.  And I completely agree that IF in all forms is a loss.  You are right to feel hurt, your feelings are justified.  I always pray and ask God to help heal my heartache and bring comfort as I wait and I pray the same for you.  The pain of IF is crushing at times and getting out of bed in the morning can be a challenge, let alone being nice to a pregnant by accident niece and her rude selfish mother.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, it's not fair. 

CheesyPeas

I'm so sorry hun.  ((huge hugs))  I've never had an unsuccessful IVF but I've had a loss and can totally see the parallells.  The feelings of hope and excitement, the crushing blow of having it taken away, and the never waivering ache that your LOs who were very much real will never grow up and will be all but forgotten by everyone but you and perhaps your DH (depending on what kind of DH you have).  Their are of course distinctions between the two just as there are differences between early losses and late losses but the feeling you have are genuine and justified regardless of whether or not any doctors' records include the word "miscarriage."

Your SIL disgusts me.  To be dramatic and throw a fit like a little toddler during a time when she should be compassionate and apologize to you is shameful.  And I am so incredibly sorry you're dealing with that.  ((more hugs))

breeanne1974

+SouthernMomma+ said:

First I don't want you to take any offense, but I really couldn't read past you feel like you have lost a child. I've lost 5, starting with my son as a stillborn. I don't mean to be mean at all, so please don't take this that way... But I would have rather never been pregnant at all, than to experience such grief and heartbreak. I know what you're going thru is so incredibly hard, and I'm not downplaying that either girl... IF sucks no matter how you slice it... But from a mom that has had to send 5 angels to heaven... I call you lucky! Sending you hugs during your difficult time girl

You were not mean at all. This alone is why I didn't want anyone to feel like I in any way understood MC because I have never experienced it. But as I hear you and others describe MC I can only empathize that it is horrific-end-of-the-earth-heartbreak and is the most painful thing to go through. 

Prayers to your angels! And I'm so glad you have a little one. 

breeanne1974

Jen071407 said:

((Hugs)) I have not gone through IVF yet, but I have had a mc, and I can only imagine that a failed IVF feels just like a miscarriage. It IS a loss. And such a long, emotional process. My mc was in August and I still get so very sad thinking about the baby that should have been. Time does help, but I know that's a cliche saying that makes you want to throw things. (Btw, I DID throw things) I really hope you find your way to a bfp or peace. Huge ((hugs)) girl.

Sorry for your loss. And I want to throw things all the time. I appreciate you sharing with me. 

breeanne1974

pregnantchick said:

Sending you hugs also!! I have had 2 early CPs and still grieve for them. I get so sad - people always ask me if Jeffrey will get any siblings and I always think to myself that he has 2 in heaven. Anyway, I have a hard time too when people talk about babies - on Facebook or in real life. Hang in there!!

This exactly. It hurts me so much when people ask about a sibling. I even cry when the TV show Olivia is on because my DD watches it all the time and sings the songs and it just makes me think she REALLY wants a sibling too. 

And I'm very sorry for your loss. 

breeanne1974

Mrs Castillo said:

Breeanne! (huge hugs!) I am ALWAYS thinking of you, and wishing you peace in your life. I am so glad you checked in with us. 

I can totally related to that feeling of a failed IVF being like a miscarriage. I still have the pic of my 2 embryos on my mirror in the bedroom, and every night I look at it and thing "I am so sad that you can't be here with us little babies " I just can't bring myself to take the picture down, and I told H I really do feel like I lost my 2 babies Ugh.. So hard. 

Girl you are 100% right on point, your SIL is being a douche. A huge smelly douche. She's got tons of effing people to go to for this shit, she is definitely trying to make you feel like crap by "Oh hey! Infertile lady! My kid is knocked up by accident TEEHEE" Fuck her with a huge fucking stick. I hate her stupid guts, and I am so so sorry that she is being so effing inconsiderate to you. Hopefully she means what she says and you will not be bothered by her any more. I hate people like this, then she'll probably turn around and make it out like she was totally innocent, but she knows she's a smelly douche trying to make you feel like shit. UGH. 

As far as how I handle these issues, well it's a little different for me because NO ONE knows we are dealing with this IF, so I typically just act like I don't care, because really no one on either side of our families has presented a BFP for us to be happy about.. it's similar to this situation with you SILs daughter, you know? Oh great, you're knocked up with no way to take care of your kid, and you're going to a burden on your sick parents and or the state. Sending all the mazels your way 8-| 

You seriously light up my day! EVERY. TIME. I. LOG. ON! Thank you!

lucky7wife

I feel you.  

One, being told that you aren't able to do something you thought you would be able to do - even at all costs - there is a definite grieving process there.  

Second, I've had three (oh yes, THREE) nieces and nephews get pregnant by accident and have happy, healthy babies in the time we have been trying to conceive #2.  (Let's just say that my sister's family that they all come from - like watching an episode of Teen Mom)  It sucks. It is so hard to go to their baby showers, to not comment when they can't afford to care for those kids, to feel excited for them even.  IF isn't fair, plain and simple.  

But I also have had five people in my life who were/are pregnant and it's just as hard to be happy for them sometimes.  I just look at them and wish I could make them appreciate the bliss that is "hey, let's have another baby".  

Anyway, Hugs.  If your SIL can't understand your need for a little more sensitivity, then she isn't a good sister or friend.  Know that, and move on as best you can.  If it were me, I would think now about the times you'll have to be supportive/excited/happy for them - and brace yourself and prepare for those times.  

breeanne1974

lucky7wife said:

I feel you.  

One, being told that you aren't able to do something you thought you would be able to do - even at all costs - there is a definite grieving process there.  

Second, I've had three (oh yes, THREE) nieces and nephews get pregnant by accident and have happy, healthy babies in the time we have been trying to conceive #2.  (Let's just say that my sister's family that they all come from - like watching an episode of Teen Mom)  It sucks. It is so hard to go to their baby showers, to not comment when they can't afford to care for those kids, to feel excited for them even.  IF isn't fair, plain and simple.  

But I also have had five people in my life who were/are pregnant and it's just as hard to be happy for them sometimes.  I just look at them and wish I could make them appreciate the bliss that is "hey, let's have another baby".  

Anyway, Hugs.  If your SIL can't understand your need for a little more sensitivity, then she isn't a good sister or friend.  Know that, and move on as best you can.  If it were me, I would think now about the times you'll have to be supportive/excited/happy for them - and brace yourself and prepare for those times.  

WOW! Just wow! Someone needs to let those kids know the #1 cause of pregnancy. 

lucky7wife

breeanne1974 said:

lucky7wife said:

I feel you.  

One, being told that you aren't able to do something you thought you would be able to do - even at all costs - there is a definite grieving process there.  

Second, I've had three (oh yes, THREE) nieces and nephews get pregnant by accident and have happy, healthy babies in the time we have been trying to conceive #2.  (Let's just say that my sister's family that they all come from - like watching an episode of Teen Mom)  It sucks. It is so hard to go to their baby showers, to not comment when they can't afford to care for those kids, to feel excited for them even.  IF isn't fair, plain and simple.  

But I also have had five people in my life who were/are pregnant and it's just as hard to be happy for them sometimes.  I just look at them and wish I could make them appreciate the bliss that is "hey, let's have another baby".  

Anyway, Hugs.  If your SIL can't understand your need for a little more sensitivity, then she isn't a good sister or friend.  Know that, and move on as best you can.  If it were me, I would think now about the times you'll have to be supportive/excited/happy for them - and brace yourself and prepare for those times.  

WOW! Just wow! Someone needs to let those kids know the #1 cause of pregnancy. 

I know, right ?!?  Seriously.  

The last one, I had such a hard time biting my tongue when the baby momma had to take a break during opening gifts to go outside for a smoke.  Oh yeah.  Fun times.  

breeanne1974

KC1212 said:

I have expirenced primary infertility, secondary infertility and most recently an early loss. Eventually, before my son came along, I simply grew to acceptance that we would simply live a childless life (I soon got pregnant) BUT my point is it just takes time. It is basically all the classic stages of grief and the acceptance is the last and hardest to come by. I don't doubt that a failed IVF feels like a loss - after all you were pregnant at the beginning of it. I hate to say it but eventually I just developed a thick skin - I had to. Things have actually been easier on me now that I have my little boy he is truly the light of my life. ((Hugs)) Edit- I think there is a "only child - not by choice" board??? If you are throwing in the towel that is.

I looked. It's "child free - not by choice" but we really need a "only child - not by choice" board. I wonder who I would contact to get one started up? 

Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry for your loss. 

KC1212

breeanne1974 said:

KC1212 said:

I have expirenced primary infertility, secondary infertility and most recently an early loss.

Eventually, before my son came along, I simply grew to acceptance that we would simply live a childless life (I soon got pregnant) BUT my point is it just takes time.

It is basically all the classic stages of grief and the acceptance is the last and hardest to come by.

I don't doubt that a failed IVF feels like a loss - after all you were pregnant at the beginning of it.

I hate to say it but eventually I just developed a thick skin - I had to. Things have actually been easier on me now that I have my little boy he is truly the light of my life.

((Hugs))

Edit- I think there is a "only child - not by choice" board??? If you are throwing in the towel that is.

I looked. It's "child free - not by choice" but we really need a "only child - not by choice" board. I wonder who I would contact to get one started up? 

Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry for your loss. 

Yeah we do!

lcloffredo

Gosh I'm so sorry all this is going on. Sending hugs your way.