Addressing Spanking with family members

a13049

DH was never spanked, his family watched DD while we are at work and so I don't have to worry about that.  I feel strongly that my side of the family overly spanks.  I wont say I was traumatized or anything overly dramatic, it wasn't abusive. However, I do have very strong emotional feelings about it. I'm worried as DD gets ready to turn one, and we spend time with family someone will take it upon themselves to discipline my child and I don't know how to address it. Both my sisters are yellers and overly spank, IMO.  That is not how I want to raise DD.  When I was pregnant I said something along the lines, I think its difficult to teach a kid not to hit, and them hit them when they do something you don't like.  The response I got was, oh wait, you''ll change your mind.  NO I WON"T!!!! Seriously at Christmas last year, my nephew (who was 2) was told not to go into grandmas room.  She had presents in there and not all were wrapped yet.  Well of course the two year old had to know what was in the room so he peaked, and my aunt spanked him a few times and my pregnant overly emotional self had to leave because I was so upset.  If they do that to DD I am going to be pissed.  Coincidentally, my nice and nephew are so well behaved with me, my sisters and mom all comment on it, I teach them how to act and I have clear expectations, but I don't spank them.  I wish they can see that kids need to be taught, not spanked.

Would you address this with family members somehow?   

Puck1182

I'd address it up front. See my tangent in the thread about giving babies food without asking first and you'll see that I have strong feelings about it as well. I just got normal open-hand-on-the-butt spankings, but because I was so inherently protective of my body (and I think I also had/have some sensory issues, so certain types of touch make my skin crawl regardless), it caused some psychological damage and didn't even improve my behavior - it made it much, much worse.

That said, my mom has openly said that he regrets spanking me because she sees the damage it did. So fortunately I don't think I have to worry about her. But if I even suspected any family members would raise a hand to DD I would absolutely make it clear that there would be repercussions. At the very least they would lose babysitting privileges, and if I saw it happen they'd probably find themselves on the receiving end of my fist, quite frankly. (I don't believe in spanking to correct behavior, but you'd better bet I'd kick some ass if I saw anyone lay a hand on DD!)

musicalmama5

I'd address it sooner rather than later. Like before a spanking happens rather than after. I'd be PISSED if someone hit my DS. DH and I are very anti-spanking, but I know he was spanked as a kid. Although his mom said he was so well-behaved she didn't have to do it often. 

kleigh926

I'm not against spanking. DH and I were both spanked as kids. However, I'm not sure that I'd be okay with someone else spanking my kids. I feel that it's a last resort punishment or a punishment for severe behavior, and I think DH and I should be the ones making that judgment, not someone else.

Regardless of what type of punishment it is, if there's something you're not comfortable with, it's probably good to say something before it happens.

Gftf7

No direct experience with this, but just wanted to share a thought.  

Many moons ago, when I was in jr & sr high, I used to babysit neighbor kids.  I remember being surprised at the things that would occasionally come out of my mouth.  Not swear words.  But things my mother had said to me and my siblings when we were young (something like "pipe down kids", in a raised voice, if the kids were being loud).  I hadn't heard that in years and recall gasping and covering my mouth after it, just, well, "happened'.  

So maybe some of the potential future spanking incidents could be a "reflex" or "habit", unless the adults are able to remember your instructions for alternate ways to handle the situation.  

Trying to remember back to my situation, I had probably tried more gentle ways, then ended up where my mom had been as my patience got thinner.  

Hope this makes sense, I don't feel I'm doing a good job of explaining it.  

Rosebean

I was spanked as a kid, and I am sure DH was too. I am pretty sure we are not up for spanking either, and I don't think I would ever have to worry about bringing this up with either set of grandparents. However, if I did, you can bet it wouldn't be something I would tiptoe around. If they want to get mad at you because you are choosing to parent your child differently, that's fine. It's worth it. Punishment is a very top priority topic. And you are within every inch of your right to say "we are not spanking and you will follow my rules with my child". I would address it before hand. The last thing you want to do is watch your kid get spanked, then have to address it after the fact. And I agree with PP. If they cannot follow your request, then privileges will be lost. But definitely approach it with tact.

SidraJedi

In your shoes I would tell them to respect your parenting choices no matter how much they disagree.

People get defensive because when you say "I'm doing it this way" you're also admitting that you don't like the way they do things. Just try to soften the blow.

a13049

Gftf7 said:

No direct experience with this, but just wanted to share a thought.  

Many moons ago, when I was in jr & sr high, I used to babysit neighbor kids.  I remember being surprised at the things that would occasionally come out of my mouth.  Not swear words.  But things my mother had said to me and my siblings when we were young (something like "pipe down kids", in a raised voice, if the kids were being loud).  I hadn't heard that in years and recall gasping and covering my mouth after it, just, well, "happened'.  

So maybe some of the potential future spanking incidents could be a "reflex" or "habit", unless the adults are able to remember your instructions for alternate ways to handle the situation.  

Trying to remember back to my situation, I had probably tried more gentle ways, then ended up where my mom had been as my patience got thinner.  

Hope this makes sense, I don't feel I'm doing a good job of explaining it.  

Tbh no, this doesn't make sense. I have 500 students ranging from the age of 2-12. I have never had a "reflex" to hit a kid. If I did I would loose my job. As an adult I am responsible for my actions and "it was a a reflex" will never be an acceptable excuse. This goes for the people who care for my child, their reflex should never be hit the kid. This really sit the concern with my extended family, these are people who are very pro spanking and I don't want that for my child. I hate watching it with my nieces and nephew and I am afraid as she gets older this will e the norm at large family functions. Especially because extended family functions include about 60 people

a13049

Isn't not sit, bump mobile won't let me fix

penguingrrl

I would be up front now. We don't spank our kids because we feel it sets a bad example and is ineffective. Once I saw my aunt spank my oldest. It had never ever occurred to me she would do that as she had never spanked me! I explained that we don't believe in hitting kids and she grumbled but never did it again. Had I known she would do that I would have said something in advance.

Even if parents choose to spank I strongly feel it's something other adults may not do.

somebuddiesgettingmarried

IMHO I don't think spanking is effective or necessary. I was never spanked as a child, except once and that was because I ran in front of a car and my mom hit my butt more out of a fear response than anything else. I would address these concerns NOW. DH's father used alot of corporal punishment when him and his brother were young (much worse than spanking for the record) and I have already made it very clear with him that in my family, we do not use our hands to hit. 

a13049

We will not be spanking, my concern is addressing this with a large family that is very pro spanking. In not sure how to go about it and sice we only see tem 3 or 4 times a year finding an appropriate time to say hey we don't spank will be difficult. Plus my dad, but that's a whole different story. We need to address his anger issues and appropriate language with him or their will be limited contact with him. R gets annoyed at just a little bit of excessive taking and anything remotely loud, e scream god damnit, if I have to come in their in going to beat all of you asses, calm te fuck down..." I'm not lookin forward to addressing that either. As an adult I still have anxieties around my dad from the spanking and yelling.

Puck1182

Um, if anyone used that kind of language toward my kid, quite honestly, I'd give them an ultimatum: Cut it out or you won't be seeing us at all anymore. Seriously. I'd be calm but very up front about it from now, that way he can't say you didn't warn him.

As far as addressing it with the people you only see a few times a year, as long as they aren't going to be alone with your child I'd just keep a close eye on the situation and if it seems like things are escalating to the point that someone is going to spank your child, intervene immediately and make it clear that it isn't acceptable. Or hell, I'd you're feeling ballsy, just make an official announcement at the next gathering, and screw anyone who doesn't like it. ;-)

a13049

Sterling13 said:

Don't leave your kids alone with these people. It's clear you don't trust them and you shouldn't leave your child with people you don't trust. Period.

It's really not that using trust them, but we have all grown up in a culture of spanking and it's sort of the idea that whoever sees thi issue taking okae deals with it, and since they all spank their Children they are also okay with family members spanking. It's not abusive, but I don't want the cycle to continue with y child. Dh and I have differently parenting style and I am just nt sure how to go about addressing this with my very large family. Like I said before, I have had a little bit,oh just wait, you'll change our mind when thy are throwing a temper tantrum. Even if I do (which I won't) that's my choice and they won't be spanking my child without me loosing my shit. The part about my dad, I have know that since I got pregnant that we will only be visiting as a family, and when he gets on one of his moods we will be leaving. Unfortunately my mom has to play middle man with us a lot because he disagrees with me and doesn't really respect me as an adult who is capable of making my own choices. Like when and what to feed dd, appropriate parenting in general and just how to act like a decent human being

DublinMama

I am very anti-spanking. If I witnessed someone hitting my kid, they would get an earful the likes of which they have never heard before. I feel like them witnessing my parenting style would inherently show I am not for spanking. But if there was anyone I felt like didn't get the memo, and I was concerned they would resort to it, I would be telling the flat out not to, or I wouldn't be leaving my kid with them if I felt like they would go against my wishes if I wasn't there.

As an anecdotal side story, DH's cousin posted on FB that she couldn't get her DD to stop biting and hitting, and didn't know what to do. SIL posted, "Give her more than a tap on her backside." I hate FB drama, so I didn't say anything. But it took everything I had not to post, "Sooooo, your plan for teaching her that hitting is not OK...is to hit her? Solid work."
8-|

Rynleigh

a13049 said:

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Don't leave your kids alone with these people. It's clear you don't trust them and you shouldn't leave your child with people you don't trust. Period.

It's really not that using trust them, but we have all grown up in a culture of spanking and it's sort of the idea that whoever sees thi issue taking okae deals with it, and since they all spank their Children they are also okay with family members spanking. It's not abusive, but I don't want the cycle to continue with y child. Dh and I have differently parenting style and I am just nt sure how to go about addressing this with my very large family. Like I said before, I have had a little bit,oh just wait, you'll change our mind when thy are throwing a temper tantrum. Even if I do (which I won't) that's my choice and they won't be spanking my child without me loosing my shit. The part about my dad, I have know that since I got pregnant that we will only be visiting as a family, and when he gets on one of his moods we will be leaving. Unfortunately my mom has to play middle man with us a lot because he disagrees with me and doesn't really respect me as an adult who is capable of making my own choices. Like when and what to feed dd, appropriate parenting in general and just how to act like a decent human being

Spanking is always abuse, regardless of the intent behind it. It is a manipulation of power and authority, it is infliction of pain, it is an attempt to control and train rather than teach and empower. 

With regard to your own child, spanking family members shouldn't be entrusted with any unsupervised time with your child. You cannot change their habits with simple logic or reason. 

With regard to their perspectives, the best you can do is model appropriate discipline, allow them to see that you have a well behaved and respectful child, and share information and opinions with them. You might not ever be able to change their minds, but seeing your choice in action has a small chance of making an impact. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, most people don't just "change their minds" on this one. They either do not like the idea of hitting children, or they support hitting children. I specify children because *most* of these same people do not support the idea of hitting disabled persons, elderly persons, or average adults. If someone believes it is OK, they will defend it any way they can. If they do not have that bias, then there is hope to show them that it's really not the best option, and they might change - but it doesn't sound like your family is made up of those sorts of people who just do it because it's what they've always done... they sound attached to the practice.