Shower at a restaurant - who pays?

Blondie3328

I'm throwing a baby shower with 3 other girls and the mom-to-be wants to have the shower at a restaurant during brunch on a Saturday.  I've asked a few friends if the guests should pay for themselves, or if the hostesses pick up the entire tab, and some say the hostesses should pay for everyone, and some say separate checks.

What is the etiquette here??

mcgeeva

Host should pay. I would be turned off big time if I was invited to a shower an asked to pay. I was just invited to a event where the email went out saying..hope to see everyone to celebrate my anniversary. Let me know how much you can contribute for catering. Tacky!

BlondieBia21

Hostess. You don't want people to pay to go to a party. Check with the restaurant to see if they could offer a limited menu for people to choose from if they can't do a buffet.

Meery82

Agree with all PPs

Blondie3328

Thanks everyone! I won't be making the guests pay

FemShep

Definitely the hosts should pay.

Asking the guests to bring a gift *and* pay for their brunch/lunch is inexcusably rude.  

If the hosts can't afford the restaurant brunch for the guests that MTB has requested, that's totally fine.  Simply explain to the MTB that your budget doesn't accommodate the restaurant brunch and suggest you hold it at someone's house instead.  She has the option to decline if she has her (spoiled) heart set on a (ridiculously overpriced) restaurant brunch.

mcgeeva

FemShep said:

Definitely the hosts should pay.

Asking the guests to bring a gift *and* pay for their brunch/lunch is inexcusably rude.  

If the hosts can't afford the restaurant brunch for the guests that MTB has requested, that's totally fine.  Simply explain to the MTB that your budget doesn't accommodate the restaurant brunch and suggest you hold it at someone's house instead.  She has the option to decline if she has her (spoiled) heart set on a (ridiculously overpriced) restaurant brunch.

I 100% agree with this. If I had a friend ask for me to host at a restaurant and then had a huge guest list. I would be telling her I would be happy to host in my home and provide the food etc. It can be super costly out. MTB should just be happy she is having a shower and not putting a request like that out there but again neither here nor there

Mimaloo

Ditto all PPs

MrsMac613

Th hostess should pay. Guests should not be expected to shower the mother to be with gifts and pick up their own tabs.

Paradisemoon

Blondie3328 said:

I'm throwing a baby shower with 3 other girls and the mom-to-be wants to have the shower at a restaurant during brunch on a Saturday.  I've asked a few friends if the guests should pay for themselves, or if the hostesses pick up the entire tab, and some say the hostesses should pay for everyone, and some say separate checks.

What is the etiquette here??

I could be wrong, but I don't think the MTB should get to pick where the shower is held. But, if you're going to go this route the hostess picks up the tab.

raw1299

You can the 3 other girls pick up the tab. Get everyones budget- and if this restaurant isn't in the budget, then have it somewhere else. MTB should not dictate where she wants her shower to be. 

VOR

You have every right to tell the MTB, too, that this isn't in your budget.  I find it VERY ballsy when bride/moms to be try to dictate location like this.  If they aren't paying, they need to sit back and accept the gracious shower that their friends are throwing for them, whereever they happen to hold it.

Twiggymommy

As the pps have said. The hosts pay. I don't I've ever been invited or gone to a party, that I was expected to pay my own nill.

a13049

The host should pay! My sister had a baby shower thrown by one of her friends and when it came time to pay she old the server everyone is on their own tab, my mom was horrified and paid for the whole thing. I threw a shower and her friend didn't like what I had planned because it was to old lady her words) so se planned one at an expensive restaurant and then expected everyone to pay.

Nicolewinsbingo

The hostess should pay.  

I will give an example though where I didn't mind paying my own way.  My church throws an informal "girl's night out" (in lieu of a bachelorette party) for all the brides-to-be.  It usually involves eating at a restaurant then gathering at someone's home and playing some games/eating dessert/sometimes a small lingerie shower.  People all pay their own way at the restaurant and it has been done this way for years.  That said, I was uncomfortable when it came to be my turn to host this event for my SIL a few months ago.  I was sure to word the invite (a Facebook invite no less…trying to keep it very informal) as a "Ladies Night Out" to spend some time with the bride-to-be, not a "lingerie shower" or whatever.  I don't know if it was totally proper, but people paid their own way without batting an eye so I hope it was fine.

CJFantasia

Hostess should pay if there are multiple hosts talk to the resturant and explain the bill will be split X ways. Some places will charge to split a check. I do believe it's acceptable to do a cash bar for guests who may want alcohol/ something other than what's included in the buffet price.

lalaith50

If the MTB insists on having the shower at a restaurant, then SHE should pay! ugh! Ballsy is right!

EmeraldCity84

We had my shower at a restaurant and hostesses provided a buffet of appetizers, the drinks, and guests could order from a limited menu (on their own tabs) if they wanted a full meal.  Worked out great.

graciesmurf

The hosts/hostesses should pay.  That means moving the shower to someone's house so a full meal can be served or offering a light snack (desert crepes and mimosas) for brunch.  Or it could mean sucking up the cost.  Whatever budget works so guests do not have to pay.

PrimRoseMama

Host pays always. It's tacky to invite people & make them pay for themselves.

BC&LM

The hostesses pay.

MGP

EmeraldCity84 said:

We had my shower at a restaurant and hostesses provided a buffet of appetizers, the drinks, and guests could order from a limited menu (on their own tabs) if they wanted a full meal.  Worked out great.

That is really rude. Partially hosting and expecting your guests to pay if they wanted a full meal is super tacky.

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EmeraldCity84

It was at 3pm so not really at a lunch or dinner time. The appetizers were plenty for pretty much everyone. Rude or not, everyone agreed they liked the set up and the hostess got a lot of compliments so not really concerned how outsiders perceive it.

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Neuron79

Went to one last year and the guests each paid $30 a pop! Thought that was strange too, on top of buying a gift.

Neuron79

Well, now I am!! Haha. Oh well. I will blame it on the party planners but now I know!

JulianneJacks

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

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MandJS said:

EmeraldCity84 said:

It was at 3pm so not really at a lunch or dinner time. The appetizers were plenty for pretty much everyone. Rude or not, everyone agreed they liked the set up and the hostess got a lot of compliments so not really concerned how outsiders perceive it.

Generally speaking, people who understand the rules of etiquette and manners will NOT say to your face if they find something rude or offensive. 

Agreed.  I'd be willing to bet that people made snarky comments out of ear-reach about this.  Being nice to the hostess(es) face =/= being okay with it.

At 3PM I do not expect to be fed. I don't expect a meal at a shower- I expect appetizers and hors d'oevres. I also have never been to a shower where I got to pick a meal from the full restaurant menu. Granted most showers I have been to have been at people's houses. I grew up in a wealthy community where most people live in massive homes. If a meal is being served at the restaurant showers it is usually selected by the host, or alternatively guests are given three options, like at a wedding. I would never want guests to pay for anything but I don't expect to feed them a full course at 3pm.

I actually think it's seriously skanky and nouveau riche to expect a full meal at a bridal shower that is being thrown at an off hour. It's one thing if the shower is being held at noon or one- but at 3 pm?! That's almost tea time. Well, one thing these comments have done is made me realize that if I am ever throwing a shower in the afternoon I will host it at 4 pm- and make it a full on tea party so that no hungry, hungry hippos complain behind my back.

ETA- I would not give guests a limited menu to order from on their own tab- that is tacky, but I have no problem with just offering appetizers. Is your complaint that guests weren't given a full meal or were given the option to buy one? I have a problem with the menu because it suggests guests can buy a lunch. I would want my guests to enjoy a light mid day snack and cocktails only at a 3 pm shower.

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JulianneJacks

Bliss+Berry said:

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JulianneJacks said:

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

MandJS said:

EmeraldCity84 said:

It was at 3pm so not really at a lunch or dinner time. The appetizers were plenty for pretty much everyone. Rude or not, everyone agreed they liked the set up and the hostess got a lot of compliments so not really concerned how outsiders perceive it.

Generally speaking, people who understand the rules of etiquette and manners will NOT say to your face if they find something rude or offensive. 

Agreed.  I'd be willing to bet that people made snarky comments out of ear-reach about this.  Being nice to the hostess(es) face =/= being okay with it.

At 3PM I do not expect to be fed. I don't expect a meal at a shower- I expect appetizers and hors d'oevres. I also have never been to a shower where I got to pick a meal from the full restaurant menu. Granted most showers I have been to have been at people's houses. I grew up in a wealthy community where most people live in massive homes. If a meal is being served at the restaurant showers it is usually selected by the host, or alternatively guests are given three options, like at a wedding. I would never want guests to pay for anything but I don't expect to feed them a full course at 3pm.

I actually think it's seriously skanky and nouveau riche to expect a full meal at a bridal shower that is being thrown at an off hour. It's one thing if the shower is being held at noon or one- but at 3 pm?! That's almost tea time. Well, one thing these comments have done is made me realize that if I am ever throwing a shower in the afternoon I will host it at 4 pm- and make it a full on tea party so that no hungry, hungry hippos complain behind my back.

ETA- I would not give guests a limited menu to order from on their own tab- that is tacky, but I have no problem with just offering appetizers. Is your complaint that guests weren't given a full meal or were given the option to buy one? I have a problem with the menu because it suggests guests can buy a lunch. I would want my guests to enjoy a light mid day snack and cocktails only at a 3 pm shower.

Also, your use of the derogatory term "nouveau riche" makes zero sense.  If you're trying to be condescending, you failed.  Miserably.  Using insults out of context makes you look like a moron.

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

show previous quotes

JulianneJacks said:

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

MandJS said:

EmeraldCity84 said:

It was at 3pm so not really at a lunch or dinner time. The appetizers were plenty for pretty much everyone. Rude or not, everyone agreed they liked the set up and the hostess got a lot of compliments so not really concerned how outsiders perceive it.

Generally speaking, people who understand the rules of etiquette and manners will NOT say to your face if they find something rude or offensive. 

Agreed.  I'd be willing to bet that people made snarky comments out of ear-reach about this.  Being nice to the hostess(es) face =/= being okay with it.

At 3PM I do not expect to be fed. I don't expect a meal at a shower- I expect appetizers and hors d'oevres. I also have never been to a shower where I got to pick a meal from the full restaurant menu. Granted most showers I have been to have been at people's houses. I grew up in a wealthy community where most people live in massive homes. If a meal is being served at the restaurant showers it is usually selected by the host, or alternatively guests are given three options, like at a wedding. I would never want guests to pay for anything but I don't expect to feed them a full course at 3pm.

I actually think it's seriously skanky and nouveau riche to expect a full meal at a bridal shower that is being thrown at an off hour. It's one thing if the shower is being held at noon or one- but at 3 pm?! That's almost tea time. Well, one thing these comments have done is made me realize that if I am ever throwing a shower in the afternoon I will host it at 4 pm- and make it a full on tea party so that no hungry, hungry hippos complain behind my back.

ETA- I would not give guests a limited menu to order from on their own tab- that is tacky, but I have no problem with just offering appetizers. Is your complaint that guests weren't given a full meal or were given the option to buy one? I have a problem with the menu because it suggests guests can buy a lunch. I would want my guests to enjoy a light mid day snack and cocktails only at a 3 pm shower.

The tacky part is saying "if you want to eat, you have to pony up the cash."  If you are doing appetizers only, that's fine.  But don't then give the option for the guests to open up their own wallets if they want something different.

EmeraldCity84

In order to rent the party room at the restaurant we were at, we were required to have a set menu.  But like I said, this was not at dinner or lunch time, and we provided a buffet of appetizers. And to the people saying "no one will tell you it's tacky to your face," well, duh? But would they go out of their way to email you and say they had never been to a restaurant shower before and realyl enjoyed themselves and thought it was a wonderful idea they wanted to try for their next event? Both I and the hostess received feedback of this nature from multiple people. Seems like a waste of time if they really hated it.

Strunella

Hosts definitely pay. For most of the restaurant showers I participated in (both bridal and baby), the mom paid the restaurant tab behind the scenes and the named hosts (friends, etc) paid for invitations, decorations, cake.

FutureMrsMurphy123

Hostess pay for entire party, I've never even heard of having the guests pay

shopnprob

I hosted a bridal shower at a restaurant with other bridesmaids. To keep everything in budget, we picked out the entire meal and had it printed on a card, just like they have at wedding. In the end no one asked for anything different. No one knew other thugs were available. It looked and felt like we had something catered and wanted everyone To know what we were eating. Worked out well and the hostesses split the tab.

Here's another suggestion to hosting at a restaurant. Order a bunch of appetizers and have them on all the tables tapas style. You have to be careful with this one bc this can easily add up and in the end might spend more Than you expected. GL with your decision.

MMason12

Like PP have said the hostess should pay if the shower is at a restaurant. You have a few options from working with the restaurant on a buffet style brunch or working with them on a smaller menu where the guests only have a few options to pick from. 

For all those who are going off about the MTB demanding her shower be at a restaurant for brunch... No where did the OP say that her friend is demanding it be at a restaurant she just said "she would like to have it at...".  And the OP never says whether or not the MTB brought up the idea to the girls or whether they asked her.  I know the ladies who have asked to host my shower sat down with me and asked if I had anything specific I wanted about my shower.  If the OP asked for her opinion then I don't find it rude for the MTB to voice her wishes -- as long as in the end she knows it is up to the hostess to make the final decisions.