Overreaction...probably hormones...but...

redcloverbaby

So...I'm having an over reaction to something that is totally not worth it.

I'm on another birth group. Ive tried posting comments on that site and asking questions or leaving a thread for comments. I either get absolutely nothing....or my threads are completely misread and I end up getting chewed out by complete strangers for something they dont understand. But I read other comments by women that are ridiculously mundane or even stupid....and they'll get a thousand comments of "I'm sorry" "hope things get better".
I know its just the dang hormones but I wonder. Do I have to invent some drama so I can get to talk to other women?

I started on a birth board because my husband and I dont talk much about the baby. This will be the sixth child to come into this home. It is a complete and utter surprise and not really a welcome one at this time.
We're not in a good place financially and the stress is killing my husband.
When I posted this on the other site all I got were comments on what I should look into to help my finances or why would I let this happen if I couldn't take care of it.
I would explain I have looked into everything I can and I can't get help right now....and that this was a "BIG" duties as I was taking birth control. Out of all of the comments...I received none saying "I know where you've been and you can make it!"
That's all I want. Is someone out there to understand me and to sympathize.
Not criticize my actions or advise me on what to do. I'm not irresponsible or stupid im just a little alone right now.
But....then again....maybe its all the hormones.
I'm an "old" woman and I tend to get cranky.

Thanks for letting me rant.

ncbelle

Sorry you are in a tough place.  I would really not take it personally though (about your threads)- message boards have weird dynamics and it's all pretty faceless - so it really isn't about you   If you want to post about your situation, I think you also have to be prepared that you are opening yourself up for all sorts of responses - not all well-intended.  Tis' the nature of the web sadly.

Do you have any support in real if life?  I think it would be important to get your DH talking about what's going on - silence is toxic.  You will figure it out though!

chaysefaith

Well, the first problem is other birth month boards aren't as awesome as the bumps June '14 board.

I don't know what you're going through, but I did get pregnant at 17 with an "unwelcome" surprise. I was certainly in no place to be taking care of a baby, but I made it through! It was certainly not easy, money was tight, and I was immature. You called yourself old, so you've got one up on 17 year old me.

You said this is the 6th baby to come into the house...are the other 5 yours? Fosters? Children that are still around? If they're still around and older it's ok to ask them to help with some things (dishes, laundry...), the occasional babysitting. Do you have baby things still? If not, there's nothing wrong with going used...lots of moms on here have or will buy used and have saved a ton of money!

Also, I just want to touch on the "unwelcome" part because I don't see that going over well on here. There's a big difference between not wanting the baby and not feeling a connection yet...are you just not really connected yet? If so, no worries, that will come.

Good luck!

redcloverbaby

Yeah...I kinda figured. The last time I was pregnant I was on a birth board and the same thing happened. I guess I just have to normal a life;-)

nunzchucks

Funny...what you listed above are usually the complaints people have about The Bump.

Anyway, @ncbelle's comment of getting your H to talk is spot on.

redcloverbaby

Thanks guys....already I've gotten more positive response than I would have at then other site.

Hubby and I do talk....and he has told me I can talk to him when I need too...but as soon as I mention the baby....a look comes over his face.
Hes so worried.
My health isn't the best...which is one reason I'm pregnant. We discovered the meds I take for it counteract my bc. Which would have been nice to know before. I've had several miscarriages and my last baby....born only a year and a half ago....had me constantly in the hospital. I was so sick with her.
I know he's scared and worried.
All of the children dont live with us permanently...but we have them every weekend and are in mid custody battle. We will have four children permantly in January and possibly all five. Its just so very stressful right now.

I want to talk about the flutters and the sickness and what I want to name the baby and all kinds of things....but I dont want him to be so stressed he has a freak in heart attack.
It just makes me lonely.

redcloverbaby

There is almost no connection with this baby yet. Haven't heard the heartbeat....possibly won't even get an ultrasound....not finding out the gender....no doctor's appt yet (I have talked with them and a midwife, however)...and none of the "normal" pregnancy things. The most connection I feel is when I feel it move. It just seems almost unreal. Except for the very obvious bump.
Haven't even told his mother because she'll throw a fit about how we can't afford it.
Just a funky situation. Makes me wonder if anyone has faced anything similar.
I know there are lots of different situations out there...many are unique. Im starting to feel that way;-)

mrs_drc_rn

I'm a FTM but DH worries about our financial situation a lot, too. It's a concern for me as well, but I don't want to spend my entire pregnancy stressed out and I want to enjoy everything. I think talking about, seeing ultrasounds, and me being positive rubs off on him a little. I agree with PP suggestion to just talk to your DH and maybe just try to be positive so it rubs off on him. I know it can be easier said than done and I'm sorry you have a lot going on. I wish you the best!

kbellizio3

I can't imagine what you're going through between the stresses of finance and custody battles and being pregnant. I'm a FTM at 23 and I did get a lot of criticism for being pregnant "so young". I got a lot of "why wouldn't you wait til you had a full time job or finances were better" and stuff like that. I was also afraid to tell my step MIL and DHs father because they were so vocal about not wanting to be grandparents until we were married for a while. So hopefully on some level I can relate to you on that.
I agree with the PP about you staying positive and it rubbing off. There were time I thought DH wasn't really interested in talking baby stuff, then when we went to this last ultrasound and saw a tiny human he almost broke down and was amazed at what we created. Maybe if you get him to go to an ultrasound or a doctors appointment so he can see what's going on and ask questions and voice his concerns it may make him feel better and might help your connection with him and the baby. I hope this pregnancy is healthy for you!

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k2k2tog

I'm not facing a similar situation but my mom did! I was an unwelcome surprise, baby number 3, conceived when she had an IUD. They were in a similar position, just starting out as dairy farmers, so not particularly financially stable, with two toddlers to run after. She didn't take it very well. But they did get through it and things straightened themselves out with a lot of hard work. And, of course, I never found out just how much of an unhappy surprise I was until many years later. 

I think the most concerning thing about your story is that you say you and your husband don't talk about the baby. Of course, I don't know your husband, but I don't know if I've met anyone for whom it's good to internalize stress and worry. Wouldn't it be good for him to talk about that stress and worry? And, wouldn't talking about the baby be an important step toward getting ready to accept him or her into your lives? Just shutting down about it with each other seems like a really bad idea...

Anyway, you can make it through this! You never know how this child is going to bless you and your husband down the road.

LegalLadyBug

I'm not in the same boat but this will be 2 and 3 for us. The possibility of twins never even entered our minds when we decided to try for another. It's definitely unexpected and while I am excited I am also so stressed out. We don't have the room, the medical bills are already insane. I have a JD and I'm licensed but I can't find a job and nobody would hire me right now anyway. We make too much for assistance but not enough to pay the bills. DH just says it will work out, and I know it will, I'm just scared.

christinemurray91

redcloverbaby said:

Thanks guys....already I've gotten more positive response than I would have at then other site. Hubby and I do talk....and he has told me I can talk to him when I need too...but as soon as I mention the baby....a look comes over his face. Hes so worried. My health isn't the best...which is one reason I'm pregnant. We discovered the meds I take for it counteract my bc. Which would have been nice to know before. I've had several miscarriages and my last baby....born only a year and a half ago....had me constantly in the hospital. I was so sick with her. I know he's scared and worried. All of the children dont live with us permanently...but we have them every weekend and are in mid custody battle. We will have four children permantly in January and possibly all five. Its just so very stressful right now. I want to talk about the flutters and the sickness and what I want to name the baby and all kinds of things....but I dont want him to be so stressed he has a freak in heart attack. It just makes me lonely.

See, this makes all the sense in the world. I was sick with DD as well, in and out of the hospital and on bedrest for the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. It was awful. I've had some health problems since then, had a bout in the hospital earlier this year, and DH responded the same way for the first couple months... It wasn't until I started feeling Some kicks and we had a really great ultrasound that he started to really feel better about it. We still don't talk about baby much, but I can tell each time that we do that he's warming up and even getting excited about it.

He was overwhelmed by work and finances and about me getting better. I think the actual baby wasn't really on his mind, just the stress and unfortunate circumstances around it. 

I still struggle sometimes, feeling like this was a really really unwelcoming time. But, baby is coming and I'm really excited to see DD with a sibling and I know I'm going to have all of those worries subside once I have baby.

Its a lot harder feeling connected when things are so stressful, but hopefully when you're further along and baby is more noticeable it'll get better. 

I just keep in mind how much I'm going to love this baby. We will work out the rest and I'm doing absolutely everything In my power to stay well... and even if I fail at that, my family is there to help. 

I will get better.

redcloverbaby

You guys have been awesome. Very supportive with good ideas. I will try to talk positively about this with him. I just found out today that he has been having seizures more frequently (he has controlled epilepsy)though none have been serious. He may need to just sit down and have a good talk it out. Thank you ladies so much.

verydisgruntledpelican0091

Awe. Wish I could give you a big hug and a million dollars. I'm sure everything will work out the way it's meant too.
I've dealt with my fair share of rude comments from some people on here. Was told my life is just full of drama and that they can't wait to see what I come up with next. It's made it so I just don't post nearly as much as I would like up. Not worth it. I think it's important to realize that people can be who ever they want over the computer.