Become a New Parent and Friendships with Singles Changing — The Bump
Babies: 9 - 12 Months

Become a New Parent and Friendships with Singles Changing

jmstump831jmstump831 member
Fifth Anniversary Photogenic
edited December 2013 in Babies: 9 - 12 Months
I am a SAHM with my 10 month old son. He is mine and my husband's first, a surprise baby after we were married for about 2 and a half months. We got married before any of my close friends and clearly now we also have a child long before them. I have been feeling a bit out of the loop, watching them still go out to the movies or out for a girls' night on occasion and I lack an invitation. I clearly don't expect, or want to, do any of these activities frequently, but on occasion it'd be nice to have something planned out where I can get a babysitter or have my hubby watch him and have a little time to myself. I got really hurt seeing constant pictures posted on facebook of activities they all do together and I know that a part of me is a little jealous...but when confronted they don't see that they are doing anything wrong. I'd still like to be invited, even if I need to decline the invitation. They say that I need to plan more events then...I feel so overwhelmed with parenthood in general, now I'm supposed to plan events and things to make sure that my friends feel included. They say they understand what it's like to not have time to yourself or time to do anything...and I don't doubt that their lives and jobs have their own stressors...I don't belittle that at all. However, having a child? You don't get a break. You can't decide you've had a long day and a stressful week so you'll call it an early night and veg out for a while before heading to bed early. I feel like parents don't have the same option as single friends. I try so hard to understand where they are coming from...and I suppose they guess they are being understanding? But it just makes me feel like I'm doing a whole lot wrong. I barely have time to talk on the phone, so I try to text people every now and then...but people seem to get frustrated that I don't just call to see how they are, when in reality I'm exhausted pretty much all of the time.

Not sure if any other Momma's out there have some of these same issues. I love this group of girls and we've been friends for 15 years...but I think it's unrealistic for them to think that I can put as much time and effort into my relationships with them as I used to with a LO that needs to spend time with his Momma and is right at the age where he is into everything...am I being totally unreasonable?

Re: Become a New Parent and Friendships with Singles Changing

  • Nope, you aren't being unreasonable. I'm in the same boat and it's really tough. Hang in there, girl!

    One thing that has helped was joining a Gymboree class. Find things that are free for babies and kids in your area. You don't have to be best friends with all of the parents you meet, but it is nice to spend time with other moms and dads so you can commiserate AND get out of the house!
    Our little Samosa arrives in January!
  • I have been on both sides. People think they know, but there is no way until your actually a parent!

    I now see the other side, being the parent, and it's way more than I thought. Love it though!

    I totally miss going out and stuff, especially since I EBF so nobody watches LO but me for more than 3 hours. I no one day I'll get to again.

    Those things will always be there but these years withLO being so tiny, I'll never get back.

    I too am younger, 24, and am the first of many friends, so I know the feeling!
    Me: 28 | DH:32
    Married: 08/04/12
    DD: 4 years | Born: 03/28/13
    Due Date #2: 10-14-17
  • I'm right there with ya! I used to get really stressed about this as well, for I would get together with friends and hear them referencing times/outings that I know I wasn't asked to attend. I wouldn't have been able to anyways, but same thing applies - it would be nice to be asked!

    It's tough, but I think in the end, I just had to accept that I am not the same person, and it's OK if things are different. Friendships transform during different phases of life. Some of my husband's friend's have recently had children, and I've been spending much more time with their wives/kids since we're all on the same schedule. Your friends will get there. And honestly, I think any true friends may not understand what you're going through, but will be sensitive and loving enough to admit that they DON'T understand.


    Little T Born 2/26/13
    TTC #2 since August 2014
    BFP #2: 4/15/15 * EDD: 12/19/15 * MMC: 5/7/15
    BFP #3: 7/23/15 * EDD: 3/29/16



  • MrsMuq said:
    I have been on both sides. People think they know, but there is no way until your actually a parent! I now see the other side, being the parent, and it's way more than I thought. Love it though! I totally miss going out and stuff, especially since I EBF so nobody watches LO but me for more than 3 hours. I no one day I'll get to again. Those things will always be there but these years withLO being so tiny, I'll never get back. I too am younger, 24, and am the first of many friends, so I know the feeling!
    Honestly, this is a crock. At 9, 10, 11mo you can feed your baby solids, or someone else can. They can go longer than 3 hours without nursing.

    That comment was so not helpful, and doesn't address OP's question. And food before one is just for fun. DS does well with solids, but doesn't eat enough to replace a nursing session. And your comment comes off a bit judge-y. DS is a bottle refuser despite all my efforts. So I can certainly empathize with PP over the stress of. Leaving LO for extended amounts of time. Not to say that I haven't, but I worry when I do.

    minervacullen
  • Friendships definitely change, even when your friends have kids too. You can't be spontaneous and just decide to go out last minute anymore. I do think it would be good for you to reach out to your friends and plan something occasionally, even if it's just inviting them over to your place for drinks or a game night or something. They might not realize how much more effort and planning it takes for you to get out now. My friends and I meet more for lunch and daytime outings now so we can bring the kids. I also agree with PP about finding some kid friendly activities so you can meet other parents.

  • Sometimes friends have this subconscious jealousy.  Being around their good friend that they've know for years but is suddenly married and a mother can make them feel inadequate since they are essentially still a few steps behind.  I believe that for some it is easier to just kind of ditch that friend and keep the rest of the group the same so they don't feel that inadequacy as much.

    I remember years ago I had a friend I would never, ever heard from her unless she had a boyfriend.  If they broke up she dropped off the face of the earth...I believe because I was in a committed relationship and she just felt bad when she was alone...but lo and behold when a new guy came along suddenly she felt good again and would want to hang out all the time.  It drove me nuts.

    Anyways...the best plan would be for you to plan a few outings.  Simple things, don't talk about baby (as best you can) and just hang out.  In time they will decide whether things are too awkward to continue on or whether they will realize hey she's still that good friend, like before.  Another thing worth considering is to keep touching base and eventually they will be married with kids and will be realizing how much they NEED their friends now as well and then they may want to pick up and continue with the relationship.

     

     

  • MrsMuq said:
    I have been on both sides. People think they know, but there is no way until your actually a parent! I now see the other side, being the parent, and it's way more than I thought. Love it though! I totally miss going out and stuff, especially since I EBF so nobody watches LO but me for more than 3 hours. I no one day I'll get to again. Those things will always be there but these years withLO being so tiny, I'll never get back. I too am younger, 24, and am the first of many friends, so I know the feeling!
    Honestly, this is a crock. At 9, 10, 11mo you can feed your baby solids, or someone else can. They can go longer than 3 hours without nursing.
    Who pissed on your sand castle?  At 10 months, my DD still nurses between 3-4 hours.  What she eats isn't anywhere near enough to replace a nursing session, and it shouldnt be.  Foods before one are just for fun. 

    To OP, I have had moments where I am a little sad about missing some of the event that my friends continue to have, and I see all the awesome times on facebook.  I try not to get to jealous because I am creating lots of amazing memories as well, and all of that will be waiting for me again one day.  
     I got really hurt seeing constant pictures posted on facebook of activities they all do together and I know that a part of me is a little jealous...but when confronted they don't see that they are doing anything wrong. 
    I am not sure how you wanted your friends to react to this comment.  You confronted them because they post pictures on facebook of the good times they are having? They aren't doing anything wrong.  You don't have to organize anything fancy, but can you organize a lunch with friends or a happy hour one night?  The organizaton doesn't require more that a text or facebook message. Something like, hey ladies, I need some adult time lets go out for out for a happy hour on Tuesday at 4:00 first round is on me!  Or I miss you girls, anyone available for lunch sunday around 1?  Not to much extra planning, and not to much of a time commitment.  Last friday my girlfriends came over after I put DD down for bed time and we sipped on wine and watch magic mike.  I think the responsibility falls more on you and not you friends.  


     

     

     

  • NVandGZ said:
    MrsMuq said:
    I have been on both sides. People think they know, but there is no way until your actually a parent! I now see the other side, being the parent, and it's way more than I thought. Love it though! I totally miss going out and stuff, especially since I EBF so nobody watches LO but me for more than 3 hours. I no one day I'll get to again. Those things will always be there but these years withLO being so tiny, I'll never get back. I too am younger, 24, and am the first of many friends, so I know the feeling!
    Honestly, this is a crock. At 9, 10, 11mo you can feed your baby solids, or someone else can. They can go longer than 3 hours without nursing.

    That comment was so not helpful, and doesn't address OP's question. And food before one is just for fun. DS does well with solids, but doesn't eat enough to replace a nursing session. And your comment comes off a bit judge-y. DS is a bottle refuser despite all my efforts. So I can certainly empathize with PP over the stress of. Leaving LO for extended amounts of time. Not to say that I haven't, but I worry when I do.
    THIS! My DD is 9.5 and doesn't take a bottle and refuses milk in a straw cup/sippy cup and doesn't nurse well enough to last 3-4 hours. She is also not a fan of solids, she tries but doesn't eat enough to replace a nursing session. So I also am never able to leave her with anyone for more than 2 hours or so and like PP when I do leave her I worry because she is one stubborn little girl and does not take any form of milk until I return.
  • None of my friends have kids and its not even on their radars! The first time I didn't get an invite was tough but DD os the greatest thing in my world so I don't mind.

    DH friends all have kids so we try to all get together once a month for all the mommies sakes!

    I heard gymboree is great too! And a friend of mine does MOPS which is moms of preschoolers. Not all kids are in preschool and they all meet at certain churches... its $60 for the yr and u can do crafts and mommy nights out!
  • MrsMuq said:



    I have been on both sides. People think they know, but there is no way until your actually a parent!

    I now see the other side, being the parent, and it's way more than I thought. Love it though!

    I totally miss going out and stuff, especially since I EBF so nobody watches LO but me for more than 3 hours. I no one day I'll get to again.

    Those things will always be there but these years withLO being so tiny, I'll never get back.

    I too am younger, 24, and am the first of many friends, so I know the feeling!

    Honestly, this is a crock. At 9, 10, 11mo you can feed your baby solids, or someone else can. They can go longer than 3 hours without nursing.


    Speak for yourself. My daughter doesn't. She has to BF every 3 hours, or she is super cranky.

    You can't speak for my child.

    Me: 28 | DH:32
    Married: 08/04/12
    DD: 4 years | Born: 03/28/13
    Due Date #2: 10-14-17
  • I have to say I'm kind of confused about what you want to happen. You say you will have to decline most invitations to go do things, but you still want to get invited, and you don't want to make the effort to plan something. So, you really just want to get invited to things so you can say no? I don't get it.

    If you want to hang out with your friends, go hang out with them. Get a babysitter or relative to watch your baby for a couple of hours while you go out to brunch. Invite the girls over for a Netflix night when LO goes to bed. PP have also suggested finding a play group/Mom group which is also a good thing.

    My DS will be ten months in a couple of days, and I guess I really don't relate to this at all. I still do things with friends. It just takes a little more planning than before, but honestly it's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal...which it kind of sounds like you are.

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