Morality Clause

Banana44

I was looking for a little help on wording a morality clause for to put into our custody order modification.  Any recommendations would be appreciated!

Ilumine

I guess you need to tell us what you are excluding or including.  Because "morality" is a very subjective thing. 

Banana44

I mostly am looking for something that would not allow for opposite sex sleep overs until engagement.

BM will probably throw it out of the order, but there have been 3 men "live" at her house over the last 5 years and it affects SS greatly.  We're just trying to reduce some of the pain he goes through.

Nineoceans

Yeah I don't think that will go over very well and honestly none of your business.

katie_cj

You really can't add a morality clause at this point, I mean, you can try, but I doubt she would agree to it and I doubt a judge would side with you. Your best bet is to help SS the best way you can to adjust and adapt.

SimpleJane

Yeah, I HIGHLY doubt a judge would allow that as part of the CO unless BM consents.

Banana44

Thanks for the advice.  SS already sees a therapist and has been for nearly 3 years.  Still, the revolving door bothers him greatly.

We are attempting to come to an agreement with BM outside of court but with SS's therapist assisting.

And although I may agree that BM's social life is none of our business, my SS is very much my DH's business.  If it didn't bother him so greatly, we wouldn't even bring it up.

Mkherren12

You can try but the reality is even if she violates it you have to hire the lawyer to take her to court and she will probably just get a slap on the wrist. I have one in mine and exh was shacked up with te woman he left me for since day one even though they didn't get engaged for a year. It's a nice thought but too hard to enforce.

Banana44

You are right, they are impossible to enforce, and I don't think we would try.  Honestly, it would be an empty threat and it would just be to try to slow her down a little before SS gets hurt again.  

Thanks for everyone's advice though.  

hopanka

3 men in 5 years is hardly a revolving door. You are being ridiculous.

Nineoceans

hopanka said:

3 men in 5 years is hardly a revolving door. You are being ridiculous.

I agree with this. I'm also struggling with the notion of a child emotionally manipulating a parent to get to the point of controlling their personal relationships.

It's great that SS is in therapy. His mom's relationships are none of his business either and the sooner he realizes that the better.

Banana44

Well, I have to disagree with you.  His mother makes her relationships very much her son's business.  SS just had a problem because BM kept telling him about her new guy and how she was going to his house for the weekend, and they are going to the beach for a weekend (all weekends he is with us) and he is great and SS is going to love him and his kids and they are going to meet soon, and next thing you know - he's gone.  Never meets him, never hears from him again.  This really messes with SS.  And I agree SS is sensitive, but why are you telling your 10 year old all of this.  She also shows SS people she is dating pics from her dating website app on her phone.  Its too much for him to handle.

And SS's severe separation anxiety came on the heels of a different break-up.  Man and his kids move in with BM at the beginning of the relationship.  SS is told they are getting married - these are his siblings - he spends Christmas with them for the 2nd year - then boom -they're gone.  Never to see them or hear from them again!

And you may not think having 3 men live with you in 5 years is a lot - but it is way too much for a child to cope with.

Date all you want - but keep your kids out of it.

And to be honest, we don't expect it to stick in the order, but our hope is that she'll start listening to SS's counselor and understand that all of our actions affect him severely.

And we are not trying to throw our relationship in her face.  I never spent the night with SS until we purchased our house together.  And SS never stayed at my house.  We are just asking that she respect SS the same way we did.

ambrvan

I think the focus needs to be in teaching SS to deal with things and not coddle his anxiety. That makes anxiety worse.

I understand how you feel, but the reality is that you are going to meet a brick wall and she will not listen to you, if for no other reason than just to spite you (your H and family and mean). She will never listen to you because she does not think like you or have the same values or morals that y'all have.

So many "sensitive kids" would have a lot less anxiety issues if they weren't coddled and shown that they get a reaction when they have done problems coping. Teach him to cope and he will thrive later. Show him that anything that stresses him out is wrong and you are setting him up for major issues.

Banana44

ambrvan said:

I think the focus needs to be in teaching SS to deal with things and not coddle his anxiety. That makes anxiety worse. I understand how you feel, but the reality is that you are going to meet a brick wall and she will not listen to you, if for no other reason than just to spite you (your H and family and mean). She will never listen to you because she does not think like you or have the same values or morals that y'all have. So many "sensitive kids" would have a lot less anxiety issues if they weren't coddled and shown that they get a reaction when they have done problems coping. Teach him to cope and he will thrive later. Show him that anything that stresses him out is wrong and you are setting him up for major issues.

Amber - I agree.  He actually went to specialized therapy to learn how to cope, as did we.  And I admit I have a hard time understanding because I don't have anxiety, but having seen his panic attacks, I understand how real it is to him.  And I pray that we can remain on top of his anxiety with coping skills because I would hate to see him medicated.  Both his parents have different forms of anxiety, so supposedly he was pre-dispositioned for this.

Still, people can have their own opinion, but I would have issue had my Mom brought several men to live in our home as I was growing up.  My parent's divorced when I was 12 and I never saw men in my home or heard about my Mom's dating!  So I do feel for him.  

So far she has not asked for it to be removed from our proposed custody order, so we'll see what happens.

And we never plan to enforce this - we just want to have it there so maybe the next guy won't move in so quickly.  Who knows - maybe the next one will be "the one".  Here's to hoping.

emme022

Banana44 said:

I mostly am looking for something that would not allow for opposite sex sleep overs until engagement.

BM will probably throw it out of the order, but there have been 3 men "live" at her house over the last 5 years and it affects SS greatly.  We're just trying to reduce some of the pain he goes through.

To be honest even if you were able to get this into the CO I'm not sure how it would help.  BM could still have guys live with her she would just have to say they were engaged.  There is nothing legal you need to "prove" engagement, a ring isn't required etc so it really wouldn't change anything.  

Also the recent issue you mentioned involved BM talking about a guy she was seeing and spending weekends with who SS never even met and you said that was upsetting for him that he was gone and he never met him so it seems like she's screwed either way.  If he doesn't get to meet the guy he is upset and when he does know the guys and it doesn't work out he is upset.  

I also am not sure why you not having spent the night with SS until you guys bought a house together is relevant.  You said bought a house, not got married so if their had been a morality clause back then it would have been broken.  I'm sorry your SS is having such a hard time with this but I don't see how a morality clause will do anything but potentially piss off BM.

ldmessing

the BM in my case does have a revolving door of men, and you know what, the kids are fine.  they have just learned that bm can't keep a boyfriend.  model a positive relationship with your husband, that will help your SS so much more than a court order

twister22

3 men in 5 years is NOT a revolving door. BD has a new GF EO visit he has with DS(5), and he introduces DS to all of his GFs. DS has started telling BD that he just wants to see HIM.

You can't control BM or what happens in her house. Focus on getting SS the help he needs and modeling a healthy relationship between you and DH for him.