Confronted cheating dad-- an Update

BlueTonic

So, I confronted my dad. I could not hold it in over Christmas.  Believe me this was uncomfortable as all fuck talking to my dad about this.    I asked him pointblank if he is cheating and if he was planning on leaving my mother.  He said "why do you say that??"  I told him i saw an email where he says he loves and misses this person, dreams of them, thanked her for the "great night" together the night before, was planning their Christmas dinner and signed it "XO"    Gross to all of the above.    ETA: when he talked about this woman 'defending her' he was espousing her qualities saying how brilliant and talented she was. I shut that shit down quick. I was like SEE? YOU are acting like she is amazing and you love her!    in the meantime he  said he loved my mom and "why would I divorce her after 40+ years of marriage"  

He, I am sure , was in shock but steeled himself and said this was a friend of his and nothing more.   That i was misreading things and she is "needy" and he sometimes talks to her this way to make her feel better.  He also said he has "lots" of female friends whom he often says he loves (he does have female friends from his job, whom are friends with my mom also-- nothing weird here ever honestly).  So then he gives an example of some email he sent to his old co-workers saying "I love you all"  I said this was NOT the same "love ya!" tone.    I half lol'd and half cried and basically said this was extreme bullshit.  He then moved things up to saying he has a very intense "Close" friendship with this person but it is not an affair and most definitely 'not physical'  (barf) .   I said ok, then an emotional affair?  He said "No, it is not"      I asked him when he last saw her, he said last week.  They often have lunch , it's not a big thing just a "friend" thing.  I asked if my mother knew he said no because "she doesn't like this woman she thinks she is very needy and co-dependent and weird"     uhh yes, spot on mom!  So he went on to say that he just doesn't tell my mom to avoid her getting angry about this woman who she doesn't like not because it is an affair.  I said Dad, this is pretty much deception which is usually what happens during an affair.     He also was VERY angry that I had a copy of the email, which i did do ONLY to show my husband and see wtf he thought first.  He told me to "delete it immediately"   I said why?? If it's nothing, why can't you just go show mom!  HA.  hilarious.

I told him he needs to get rid of her, and that he isn't being honest with me, or even with himself. Maybe he is in denial?? Maybe he has made himself thing this is truly some weird friendship? I told him he has to think about this crap and end it.  He said he has to think about everything (while still saying, sort of, they were just platonic) and would 'consider' doing this.  He said he would get back to me.  I was relieved to be done with the conversation, and have no idea where this will go.  I fear he will not talk to me again about it and try to avoid it, or will and say "sorry not getting rid of her, we are friends, youare crazy for thinking otherwise"   or he will tell me he IS getting rid of her, but that he won't tell my mom and will beg me not to.  I mean, what will I do here??  It's all bad, all bad.

I am super relieved that I got it out there at least, and I even saw him today (the day after!) at a brunch with both him and my mom!  But it was ok, I know he  heard me and had to digest it. And things weren't overly weird actually.   My husband said I just shocked the hell out of him and he had to take it in a bit and of course anyone cornered will be defensive.  So just to wait it out and see where it goes.  So i feel better that it's off my chest but waiting for the next shoe to drop is scaring me.  

 

yesthisiskim0401

Yikes, this is all worse than your original post. You have no definite proof that he has physically cheated, if/when he ends it, and you are stuck in this shitty limbo between keeping it a secret or telling your mom.


Your dad is an asshole.

Amjoy25

Whoa. Kudos. I could never do that.



...this is what you need now

elllaf

Hiding it from your mom.
NOT cool.
I hope it all works out.
At least you got it out there. Bravo.

tmccord21

Men. I swear he is dancing around that hardcore. I hope he tells your mom and let's you off the hook.

HFrizzle

Glad you confronted him, but this still seems fishy.

EmJ&B

What a mess. I'm so sorry

BlueTonic

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Yikes, this is all worse than your original post. You have no definite proof that he has physically cheated, if/when he ends it, and you are stuck in this shitty limbo between keeping it a secret or telling your mom. Your dad is an asshole.

I KNOW. I know, I  know.  The thing is this is all so, so bizarre. My dad is actually always adored my mom, and been a super 'gentleman.'   He is the last person i would ever, ever ever think would cheat (I know people say this all the time, but really, this time it's true). I mean i really like my dad!   My husband is actually quite a bit like him.  

I think he will do the right thing ultimately, plus he knows I have the email, and I am the closest to my mom of all my siblings.  He knows I won't let this shit slide, no way.  I think he will do the right thing ultimately.   I just don't know how my mom is going to figure into the equation yet!  

BlueTonic

Amjoy25 said:

Whoa. Kudos. I could never do that.



...this is what you need now

If I wasn't EBF'ing I would be on that train right now for sure.  It was the hardest conversation I have ever had to have, but I felt like I had no choice. =( 

yesthisiskim0401

BlueTonic said:

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Yikes, this is all worse than your original post. You have no definite proof that he has physically cheated, if/when he ends it, and you are stuck in this shitty limbo between keeping it a secret or telling your mom.


Your dad is an asshole.

I KNOW. I know, I  know.  The thing is this is all so, so bizarre. My dad is actually always adored my mom, and been a super 'gentleman.'   He is the last person i would ever, ever ever think would cheat (I know people say this all the time, but really, this time it's true). I mean i really like my dad!   My husband is actually quite a bit like him.  

I think he will do the right thing ultimately, plus he knows I have the email, and I am the closest to my mom of all my siblings.  He knows I won't let this shit slide, no way.  I think he will do the right thing ultimately.   I just don't know how my mom is going to figure into the equation yet!  

------------------------------------------
Have you considered telling your siblings? Maybe it's time to call in reinforcements.

Amjoy25

@BlueTonic...the baby only gets like half of 0.08%...have a drink, man.

BlueTonic

I also wish I could tell my siblings but they would go insane and form a lynch mob.  I am trying to be delicate about this, which is ironic since it's normally ME that is the one that goes into full on freak out. 

I also was really, really trying to give my dad the benefit of the doubt without bringing in 5000 other people.  He is seriously brilliant, the smartest man I have ever met, but has ZERO common sense. I am not defending what he is doing, but  I also still don't want to destroy him.  He is still my dad! 

StefMurph

There's clearly more there. I'm gonna just ask--how long are you letting him sit on this?? Your dad hiding it from your mother, when your mother has clearly voiced her opinion of this woman is bs. I'm assuming your mother isn't batshit crazy and has a legitimate reason to dislike this woman. If your dad has respect for your mother, he would cut ties immediately.

yesthisiskim0401

BlueTonic said:

I also wish I could tell my siblings but they would go insane and form a lynch mob.  I am trying to be delicate about this, which is ironic since it's normally ME that is the one that goes into full on freak out. 

Gotcha. Ugh, hugs.
My only thought on this shitty, sticky situation is to tell your dad to fess up to your mom or you will, after the holidays.

BlueTonic

StefMurph said:

There's clearly more there. I'm gonna just ask--how long are you letting him sit on this?? Your dad hiding it from your mother, when your mother has clearly voiced her opinion of this woman is bs. I'm assuming your mother isn't batshit crazy and has a legitimate reason to dislike this woman. If your dad has respect for your mother, he would cut ties immediately.

Well I don't know.  I guess a couple of days? a week at most?  I am very confused and dreading another talk.  He is picking up my first child tomorrow to take them to school,so I will see him one on one.  I am dreading it, I am guessing he will say something to me. 

 I mean I was very upset, crying and told him I am disappointed and won't look at him the same way again. This upset him, he isn't callous to all of this.  I think he was just shocked.  I hope things pan out ok. I want to barf!

megs1409

You're braver than I! Good for you for confronting your dad sooner rather than later. I do hope your dad has some time frame where he needs to figure out how he will handle as I couldn't imagine keeping the information from my mom, especially knowing how she feels about this woman. Woman's intuition and all...it's not something to fuck around with and normally it's spot on!!

Good luck!

Alexandrap

I'm glad you got some of the pressure off your shoulders. Do you think he'll tell your mom about it now? I kind of got the feeling like there was more going on than he let on, but you'd know him better than I would. I hope things work out for your family and you guys can all move past this with as little damage to the family as possible.

trackgirlparis

I second everything @yesthisiskim0401 said. So sorry you have to deal with this. hugs!

AmandagStark

Best of luck with this, and kudos for confrontation. Will be thinking of you!

jennlin

Definite emotional affair, which still sucks big time. Sorry.

Mmhodges07

Sorrynotsorry, but I would tell my mom. Especially because he's still betraying her, even if it "platonic". Not acceptable in my eyes, and I love my mom too much to let this slip by her.

yesthisiskim0401

Charlie1178 said:

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Yikes, this is all worse than your original post. You have no definite proof that he has physically cheated, if/when he ends it, and you are stuck in this shitty limbo between keeping it a secret or telling your mom.


Your dad is an asshole.

All of this. The fact that he was so adamant that you delete the email is pretty damning.

Didn't you say he wipes all his emails clean from this email account, too? All facts point to that he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. He knows better but is still choosing to betray your mother.

marianaz0

Oh man sorry!
Fwiw - I'd find a way to make your dad come clean about everything... Sooner rather than later... especially since your mom has already voiced her opinion of not liking this "friend"... Even a platonic relationship or friendship is a violation of her trust in my book.
Good luck!!
Ohhhhh and keep that email!

babygiantquest

I'm sorry your dad is being a douchenozzle.  PPs have pretty much covered any advice I would have to give.  I'll be praying for you all.  What a shit-tastic situation.

jennlin

Sort of off topic, sort of on--doesn't this sound like what @hfrizzle is doing with her ex, but from the flip side? Wife doesn't like her, he pursues a secret friendship anyway?

BlessUrHeart29

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Charlie1178 said:

yesthisiskim0401 said:

Yikes, this is all worse than your original post. You have no definite proof that he has physically cheated, if/when he ends it, and you are stuck in this shitty limbo between keeping it a secret or telling your mom.


Your dad is an asshole.

All of this. The fact that he was so adamant that you delete the email is pretty damning.

Didn't you say he wipes all his emails clean from this email account, too? All facts point to that he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. He knows better but is still choosing to betray your mother.

Definitely this. There is no reason to hide it if you aren't doing anything wrong.

Sorry that you found yourself in the middle of this mess :-(

StefMurph

jennlin said:

Sort of off topic, sort of on--doesn't this sound like what @hfrizzle is doing with her ex, but from the flip side? Wife doesn't like her, he pursues a secret friendship anyway?

That came to mind, but I think this truly is more. I think @hfrizzle's friend's wife is just insecure. I feel @bluetonic's parents seem to have a pretty stable 40 year marriage track record and this is just her dad going too far.

My husband was talking to his ex-girlfriend from high school via Facebook while I was pregnant. They aren't Facebook friends because she deleted a bunch of people a few years ago, but they used to be FB friends and I was even FB friends with her at one point (even though we've never met). He's FB friends with many of his ex girlfriends. I personally don't have a problem with that because I trust my husband and he's my husband, meaning he made a commitment to me. I've always said, without trust there is nothing.

sweettooth87

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're stuck in such a hard spot. I give you major kudos on how you've handled it so far. I know a lot of people want you to tell your mother, but I really think you should give your Dad a chance to talk to her first...I think it would be so much more damaging to their relationship for her to hear from you instead of your Dad fessing up. Obviously if he doesn't talk to her sooner rather than later, it's time to talk to your mom.

Hugs your way.

Married2PreMed

This may not be a popular opinion, but should your mom know? How old is she, is she in good health? Did she ever work, or does she rely solely on your father for support? I think you need to consider whether your mom would really want to know.... And the impact of you sharing your fathers infidelity with her...because she may be very angry at you.

If your mom is younger, vibrant, and independent, that is one thing. But if she is dependent on your father, she may have no choice but to stay with him, knowing what he has done, and knowing that everyone else is aware...this could be situation where living in denial (or blissfully unaware) is for the best. Your dad should end this crap, and for everyone's sake, I hope he does. I would hate for your mother to feel her 40 year marriage was a sham, especially this late in life. Edited for typo

huntjul

Married2PreMed said:

This may not be a popular opinion, but should your mom know? How old is she, is she in good health? Did she ever work, or does she rely solely on your father for support? I think you need to consider whether your mom would really want to know.... And the impact of you sharing your fathers infidelity with her...because she may be very angry at you.

If your mom is younger, vibrant, and independent, that is one thing. But if she is dependent on your father, she may have no choice but to stay with him, knowing what he has done, and knowing that everyone else is aware...this could be situation where living in denial (or blissfully unaware) is for the best. Your dad should end this crap, and for everyone's sake, I hope he does. I would hate for your mother to feel her 40 year marriage was a sham, especially this late in life. Edited for typo

Yeah I guess I'm not as gung-ho tell mom as everyone else.  In my family if I actually believed it had stopped and that was it--which it doesn't sound like is the case here--I would consider not telling my mom.  But different families are very different dynamics.

jtothenel

StefMurph said:

There's clearly more there. I'm gonna just ask--how long are you letting him sit on this?? Your dad hiding it from your mother, when your mother has clearly voiced her opinion of this woman is bs. I'm assuming your mother isn't batshit crazy and has a legitimate reason to dislike this woman. If your dad has respect for your mother, he would cut ties immediately.

 

 

THIS! Give him a deadline to tell your mom before 12/31 and if he doesnt then you need to tell her. This is your mom!!

tashad18

I'm sure that was terribly uncomfortable for you, but I think you were right to confront him.  While it is great that there is not physical cheating going on, emotional cheating is sometimes more hurtful.  The fact that he keeps it from your mother shows that he knows it is wrong.  I really hope he stops it before it gets out of hand.

Aunt Edna

Would a loving husband and father risk hurting his wife and family for a simple platonic friendship? NO! He saw how upset you were and how much this hurt you and was weighing on you and still lied and later acted like nothing was wrong. He is very capable of carrying on a lie and being both manipulative and deceptive. He may be a "great" dad, but he has a very shitty side that isn't thinking about his family at all.

I've known several cheaters and the ones who refuse to break off the "platonic" relationship are always the ones where something inappropriate is going on. If you had a friendship that your DH didn't approve of, had to sneak around, and it hurt those you most cared about, wouldn't you walk away from it?! Absolutely, unless, you were having an affair. Sorry, he IS cheating. He's already screwing over your mom, he needs to stop screwing you over too!

MrsKocal

Married2PreMed said:

This may not be a popular opinion, but should your mom know? How old is she, is she in good health? Did she ever work, or does she rely solely on your father for support? I think you need to consider whether your mom would really want to know.... And the impact of you sharing your fathers infidelity with her...because she may be very angry at you.

If your mom is younger, vibrant, and independent, that is one thing. But if she is dependent on your father, she may have no choice but to stay with him, knowing what he has done, and knowing that everyone else is aware...this could be situation where living in denial (or blissfully unaware) is for the best. Your dad should end this crap, and for everyone's sake, I hope he does. I would hate for your mother to feel her 40 year marriage was a sham, especially this late in life. Edited for typo

this reminds me of the Friends episode when Joey told his mom his dad was having an affair and she got mad at him for ruining the illusion of a happy marriage. I agree, it depends on the situation but sometimes telling can make things even worse. 

Either way, it's a shitty situation and big kudos to you for confronting him. I don't think I could have done it.