becoming a carrier for a friend - a few questions

MamaFantastic

hey ladies,

i'd really love to offer myself as a potential surrogate (carrier only) for friends of ours who are in year 9 of heartbreaking infertility.  i'm due with our own second baby in the spring, and i'm trying to be proactive and do some research now while it's still very early.  they have no idea i've been chewing on this idea for a few years now.

i know i can find websites that explain the surrogacy process from a medical and legal standpoint, and i will most certainly do that.  that's not why i came here tonight.

i want to hear from you all about the dynamics of becoming a surrogate, and how that works between friends.  specifically, i'd love to know:

1. for those of you who are in a friends/family surrogacy relationship, how did the conversation first begin?  who brought it up - the carrier or the parents?  i want to avoid being insensitive and i just don't know where to start!  this is where shared personal experience trumps clinical internet research, hands down.

2. for those who are surrogates after having your own children, how did you determine the timing of things?  how old was/were your kid/s when you decided to pursue surrogacy?  i don't want to make our friends wait several more years before i share my desire with them, but i also want to be sure i can handle a potential pregnancy when i have young kids to look after in my own family.  again - i just want you to share what worked for YOU, knowing full well it might not work for me.

thanks for your help - really and truly.  i'm a frequent poster on the bump, and yet i still feel like a bumbling idiot entering your world here and trying to learn the lingo and atmosphere!

hopeby2015

I dont know much about GC but just wanted to welcome! There are a bunch of very helpful people on this board. Good luck with whatever u decide to do!

ArgyleBride

Welcome!  I am an egg donor, but there are several ladies here using GC's (gestational carriers) and at least three GCs too.  I think most of them didn't have the GC relationship with people they knew, but some did, and even those who did still know of great resources. @Mama-Bear usually posts a few.  Good luck!

MamaFantastic

thanks, robyn!  that's a great suggestion - and certainly something i'd need to do my due diligence on before presenting the idea to the parents.  

lincoln79

Welcome to the board! 

We are pursuing using a GC that is a colleague of mh. She offered over a year before we decided to pursue this strategy. 

I personally think that the potential carrier offering (as long as it is a serious offer) is better because that way the intended parents don't feel like they are pressuring anybody. It can definitely work they other way just as well, but I was really glad our GC came to us.

If they don't immediately take you up on it, bc it can take some time to get used to the idea.

You are a wonderful person for offering!

Mama-Bear

I wasn't a carrier for a couple I had a personal relationship with, we were matched through an agency so I can't really help with that.  I personally wouldn't be able to carry for a friend/family member because I'd be terrified of all of the "what ifs".  Before saying anything, I'd wait until they mention something about what their struggles are (maybe they don't need a carrier but a sperm/egg donor). 

Like bobyn stated, you'll want to check the laws in your state.  In what state are you located?  I started looking into surrogacy when my twins were just over 1 year.  14 months and 4 failed matches earlier I was matched with the best IP's I could've asked for.  They didn't live close (6 hours away) so they weren't able to make it to all of the appointments but they did make a few and they made the birth.  I still kept them as involved in the pregnancy as possible, my FIM's biggest thing was the HB so I would record the baby's HB at the appointments and send them to her, I took a video of their baby moving around and sent it.  They read a book and recorded it and I played it with the ear buds on my belly. 

The sites I normally mention are surromomsonline.com and allaboutsurrogacy.com  Those are wonderful sites for both surrogates and IP's as well as egg donors.  Both have forums and a classifieds section, and AAS has a live chat.  SMO is a busier site, you have to post about 20 times while your posts are moderated before they'll show up immediately and AAS there's no waiting period.  Generally when you're just starting your research I suggest posting on AAS and lurking on SMO.  Good luck to your friend, hopefully she'll be able to carry at some point but it's wonderful that you're willing to help her out if she does need it.

MamaFantastic

thank you everyone for the thoughtful and helpful feedback - looks like i have tapped into a really great community full of knowledge and resources!!  our friends are actually going to be visiting with us a few weeks before our baby arrives, so i will aim to have some research done and calls made before they get here in case it seems like a good time to let them know about my desire to be available if they want to travel the surrogacy road.

i know they have had seemingly unexplainable infertility so far and tests haven't been conclusive in pinpointing any specific issue.  they had one failed IVF cycle earlier this year where two embryos were transferred.  i assume this means there's not an absence of sperm and eggs, but i don't know all of the details.  we live in different states and they are fairly private, so i haven't wanted to pry.

i am located in NH.  my friends are located in NJ.

LittleLady77

@mamafantastic I now have a huge bump crush on you. What a wonderful thing to do for your friends. Infertility is so, SO hard and the gift you are talking about is immense. I used donor eggs through an agency so no experience with GCs but I'll add my 2 cents anyways. The tips I've heard other GCs tell are, make sure you are done having your own children first, make sure you are 100% ready for the process before you offer, make sure everything is worked out before hand (money in escrow account, legal contracts etc.), discuss with you IPs how involved they want you to be down the road. Again, thanks lady!

DoulaRaVenMa

The other ladies have covered most of it it seems:)

Idk if you plan on nursing or not but you can't do IVF & be a Surro if you are nursing or pumping. They want you to have 3 cycles once you have stopped to start most the time. But some times it can be less or more. I really looked into this as I was still nursing when me & my guys started talking about doing a sibling for my 1st Surro their son.

I am a GC for a wonderful couple that I didn't know before but we are like family now!! We are getting ready to do a sibling journey in Jan. we don't live close at all which sucks but it is what it is. They made it out 3x for our first PG & I am sure they will try to do the same again. I live in CA they live in LA. My youngest will be 16m when we do this transfer.

I would research a lot & know where you & DH stand on everything before you bring up anything to your friends. There can be some hard choices that I don't think most people think about before they start this, like how many embryos to transfer & are you ok with twins or more? What if they want to reduce the pg from multiples or terminate? What if you have to do bedrest? with twins/ multiples bedrest happens mire likely then not. All thing you should talk with DH about before hand & know where stand.

MamaFantastic

@DoulaRaVenMa :

very good points!!  i wouldn't want to pursue any pregnancy (mine or otherwise, though we are definitely done with our own family) with a baby under a year old at home, so the 12m+ i plan on breastfeeding would still be possible.  i've thought a bit about the questions you've posed (all important ones, for sure!) and i definitely just need to do some more research and have lots of good discussion with my husband about where we stand what we would be willing to offer.

ok, this is great - i have a good to-do list now!  i'm off to research, educate, connect and learn!

thanks a million, girls - this is exactly what i hoped to gain from my post.  i really appreciate it.

pcrumley

One of my good friends, is a surrogate, she delivered twins for a couple in NJ this year! (We live in Ohio) I know that there is a waiting period after you deliver before you can be cleared to be a surrogate again! @mamafantastic -that's an amazing gift you're thinking about offering them, I'd get all ur ducks in a row before you talk to them, (but I suggest you bring it up-like I'd ask your obgyn how long the wait is, and she'd most likely want to be there for all the U/S ect, so maybe think about the mechanics with that since you live in diff states. My husband's cousin's wife offered to be a surrogate for us, but it's a hard decision bc there's a lot of jealousy involved and feelings were not sure if we're ready for yet. .