Vent warning!

lifeonthehill

Last night I was talking about pushing our TTC date officially up to September since we will be done with the financial goals we made for ourselves by then. H got really mad and said he didn't think he ever wanted to have kids and he wasnt going to start trying in September.
I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. We have always talked it out and thought next Dec. would be great. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to force him but I don't know what to say to him. Not having kids is a deal breaker for me and he knew pre wedding I didn't want to wait longer than a year or a year and a half. I am so frustrated.

Mysterious_wife

Aren't you the one not currently on BC? Sounds like you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Try to have a calm non-abrasive conversation in a few days. Do not blind side him. Let him know what the conversation will be about. Then you can either move forward or decide what is more important for you. Good luck

gogadgetgo

If he hasn't completely changed his mind (which is always a possibility), it sounds like he got scared and panicked. Were you guys discussing the weather and then you jumped in with MONEY ! bABIES! NOW!?

I agree with MW. Give it a few days, then say you'd like to discuss it again when he's ready.

Jags8

Maybe he had other things on his mind? Or maybe he was just annoyed at the subject being brought up? I have the opposite problem with my DH. He talks about having a baby more, and sometimes I get annoyed.

And please don't think I'm minimizing this, but you are still both under 25 yet, right? So you still have time. If he is serious about not wanting a baby soon, he could change his mind in a few years.

I do agree that it is a deal breaker. If he really didn't want kids, he should have been honest before you got married. But don't make any big decisions now. My friend's sister got married and they both agreed they wanted kids. But one day she got a bill in the mail for a vasectomy...which he got behind her back...

Smallllmin

Jags8 said:

Maybe he had other things on his mind? Or maybe he was just annoyed at the subject being brought up? I have the opposite problem with my DH. He talks about having a baby more, and sometimes I get annoyed. And please don't think I'm minimizing this, but you are still both under 25 yet, right? So you still have time. If he is serious about not wanting a baby soon, he could change his mind in a few years. I do agree that it is a deal breaker. If he really didn't want kids, he should have been honest before you got married. But don't make any big decisions now. My friend's sister got married and they both agreed they wanted kids. But one day she got a bill in the mail for a vasectomy...which he got behind her back...

OMG. That's horrible! Who does that?!

Also, I agree with PP that talking about it too much can really bring up anxiety for both of you. If you had previously talked about starting TTC in December, why did you ask him to start in September? 

It's only three months... And who knows where you'll be emotionally/financially/etc. 

Since it's not until next year anyway, why not keep it in the back of your mind (and not talk about it) for a few months. That will give him more time to become more comfortable with TTC. 

If he, or you, or both of you decide you are ready before then, the conversation will happen on its own!

GL!

lifeonthehill

Mysterious_wife said:

Aren't you the one not currently on BC? Sounds like you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Try to have a calm non-abrasive conversation in a few days. Do not blind side him. Let him know what the conversation will be about. Then you can either move forward or decide what is more important for you. Good luck

Why the hell would I not be on BC? Im not an idiot. H and I agreed over a year ago to meet these financial goals, have me get off BC three months before to help my body have time to regulate and then to start trying. Now the timeline has fallen in Sept and December. I was suggesting I get off BC and we just start trying instead of pull and pray.
I will talk to him when he gets back from coaching tonight.  Thank you.

lifeonthehill

gogadgetgo said:

If he hasn't completely changed his mind (which is always a possibility), it sounds like he got scared and panicked. Were you guys discussing the weather and then you jumped in with MONEY ! bABIES! NOW!? I agree with MW. Give it a few days, then say you'd like to discuss it again when he's ready.

We were discussing how excited we were about finishing up our financial goals almost six months earlier than we had originally thought we would. I didn't push it just said I would love to start TTC in Sept. I am hoping he got spooked but he hardly ever says things he doesn't really mean.

lifeonthehill

Jags8 said:

And please don't think I'm minimizing this, but you are still both under 25 yet, right? So you still have time.

I agree with you but before we got married or even engaged he knew I wanted to start within 12 to 18 months of getting married. I am not blindsiding him with this. I have been telling him the same thing since we got together when I was 18.
I know we have time but to say after 4 months of marriage he doesn't want kids at all is unfair.
Pushing back our Dec. date seems a bit more understandable but still feels unfair. I worked two jobs to help him complete some things on his baby bucket list he needed money for and he gets two boys nights a week so he can have as much fun with them as possible before we become parents. I have held up my end of things to get this list finished and I am going to feel horrible if he has changed his mind in anyway.

lifeonthehill

Thanks everyone. I will just talk to him when he gets back tonight.
I get so worked up over this subject that when he said he didn't want kids I just started crying and went to bed. I can't imagine not having my own kids and I can't imagine forcing him to be a parent. I will try and write it all out so I don't get all emotional and lose my words last night.

lifeonthehill

Smallllmin said:

Since it's not until next year anyway, why not keep it in the back of your mind (and not talk about it) for a few months. That will give him more time to become more comfortable with TTC. 

GL!

Because if he really doesn't want kids I want to know now. Not in a few months. If I just scared him that is fine but if he really believes that he will never want them it is a deal breaker for me.

If we decide tonight to stick to the original plan I wont bring it up again until September when I am supposed to be off BC.

I hope he just needs more time to adjust and the thought of it only being nine months away scared him. Haha.

DebateThis

With as much compassion as I can muster: you need to calm the eff down. You've only been married four months, you're very young, and you've set a random timeline/deadline for when YOU want to TTC and now you want to bump it up even more. It really sounds like YH isn't ready yet and that's ok - but you cannot beat him over the head with it or expect him to comply with the deadline you've had in your head if he's just not ready yet.  You've said that you've TOLD him you wanted kids 12-18 mos after marriage and that YOU need to know now if his feelings have changed.

This really sounds like you've made up your mind and don't really care what his opinion is. Take the advice of PP's and drop it for a few months. Drop it completely. And then have an open conversation where you aren't practically giving him an ultimatum already. Your marriage needs communication and honesty above all else and if he tries to tell you his feelings have changed (even that he needs more time to be ready to TTC) and you fly off the handle, it's impossible for him to feel able to actually communicate with you - the only thing you want to hear right now is "Yes! Babies! Lots of them and we're starting in September!" and that's not fair to him.

cmelliott

Sometimes people don't just automatically know if and when they want kids. I know I'm ready soon but my husband doesn't even really want to start discussing TTC for at least a few years. He may have felt obligated to say things or have a conversation that he just wasn't ready for. That doesn't necessarily mean he won't ever want kids but he may have said that to get you to realize that he isn't as sure as you are. I agree with PP to lay low and drop it for a few months and then just bring up a simple conversation about goals and feelings and not "hey when are we gonna get me pregnant" kinda talk.

lifeonthehill

Well he called on the road and said I scared him. This wasn't my plan it was ours. He said he wanted to start next December. It scared me to think I married a man who changed his mind about kids in a matter of days. He likes talking baby names with me so it just confused me.
Of course I care about his opinion. I wouldn't be where I am if I only cared about what I thought. Sorry if it coming off that way. I didn't fly off the handle and get angry last night. I walked away.
Problem solved I guess. If he needs till December then he needs it and I wont force it. I just couldn't accept never having kids.

Mysterious_wife

alyssa32713 said:

Mysterious_wife said:

Aren't you the one not currently on BC? Sounds like you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Try to have a calm non-abrasive conversation in a few days. Do not blind side him. Let him know what the conversation will be about. Then you can either move forward or decide what is more important for you. Good luck

Why the hell would I not be on BC? Im not an idiot. H and I agreed over a year ago to meet these financial goals, have me get off BC three months before to help my body have time to regulate and then to start trying. Now the timeline has fallen in Sept and December. I was suggesting I get off BC and we just start trying instead of pull and pray.
I will talk to him when he gets back from coaching tonight.  Thank you.


You need to relax. I was asking a question for clarity. Don't be a rude snatch. I was more than kind to you and offered (what I thought) sound advice. It's not my fault the rug was pulled out from under you.

bugandbibs

The first year of marriage is hard, really hard. You need to table the timeline talk until next summer.

lifeonthehill

Mysterious_wife said:

Mysterious_wife said:

Aren't you the one not currently on BC? Sounds like you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Try to have a calm non-abrasive conversation in a few days. Do not blind side him. Let him know what the conversation will be about. Then you can either move forward or decide what is more important for you. Good luck

Why the hell would I not be on BC? Im not an idiot. H and I agreed over a year ago to meet these financial goals, have me get off BC three months before to help my body have time to regulate and then to start trying. Now the timeline has fallen in Sept and December. I was suggesting I get off BC and we just start trying instead of pull and pray.
I will talk to him when he gets back from coaching tonight.  Thank you.

You need to relax. I was asking a question for clarity. Don't be a rude snatch. I was more than kind to you and offered (what I thought) sound advice. It's not my fault the rug was pulled out from under you.

I was not being rude. That was my serious response. I know you asked for clarity because this was discussed on my intro and I had basically the same response over there.

normandyn7

Whatever you two agreed to before being married is what you should stick to. If he agreed to start next December then stick to that. You shouldn't move the date up on him and he shouldn't all of a sudden not want kids when he knew that you wanted kids before you got married. I got pregnant a month after being married and it put a HUGE strain on our marriage. We were not able to enjoy our first year of marriage at all. We are slowly getting better but just enjoy yourselves and go with what was previously agreed on. A lot can change in a year too. I have a friend who swore up and down that she never wanted her own kids. She got married 2 years ago and both her and her husband did not want kids. Now, 2 years later, they have been trying for a year and all she wants is her own baby. People change. Not saying that your husband should all of a sudden not want kids, but things change. Just keep that in mind. Men are weird when it comes to babies and TTC so give him a break and try not to spring things on him like that. Obviously it freaks him out. Good luck!

Ducktale

OP if I remember correctly it was another poster who chimed in on your intro saying she was currently off BC due to not having insurance, so maybe people are getting you two confused. I remember you from the MM and you seem to be a very hardworking and goal oriented person. I am also very goal oriented so I get that. There's always some date that I'm working to accomplish something by. It's exciting to accomplish goals sooner than expected, and disappointing if it will take longer than expected. It's hard, I know, but September or December is a long way off. A lot can change, both with TTC timelines and just unexpected other things in life. So plan on next year but just know in your mind it might change, either sooner or later. I'm sorry you had that scare with YH. You've only been married a few months so its understandable that you may still be trying to get into your groove as a couple, but you as a couple need to take this time to work on communication and honesty and openness. Having a baby only makes it more important to be able communicate and work through things together. Taking this time might be difficult but if it will help your marriage in the long term and prevent future problems, I hope you see that it's important to concentrate on other things and your marriage for this next year.

lifeonthehill

Ducktale said:

OP if I remember correctly it was another poster who chimed in on your intro saying she was currently off BC due to not having insurance, so maybe people are getting you two confused. I remember you from the MM and you seem to be a very hardworking and goal oriented person. I am also very goal oriented so I get that. There's always some date that I'm working to accomplish something by. It's exciting to accomplish goals sooner than expected, and disappointing if it will take longer than expected. It's hard, I know, but September or December is a long way off. A lot can change, both with TTC timelines and just unexpected other things in life. So plan on next year but just know in your mind it might change, either sooner or later. I'm sorry you had that scare with YH. You've only been married a few months so its understandable that you may still be trying to get into your groove as a couple, but you as a couple need to take this time to work on communication and honesty and openness. Having a baby only makes it more important to be able communicate and work through things together. Taking this time might be difficult but if it will help your marriage in the long term and prevent future problems, I hope you see that it's important to concentrate on other things and your marriage for this next year.

Thanks Duck Tale. I think half my issue is how hard we have been working. I was working the 60 hour weeks to help meet these financial goals with our end reward being TTC. I felt defeated the other night and I am glad he opened up and talked to me without me trying to get him to. I didn't mean to freak him out with pushing up the date but I am glad to know he really doesn't think he will comfortable until then.
I am aware that things can change and I am prepared for that but making these far off goals helps to keep us on track with our money. We are excited to keep working on us now that we are both working day jobs and we are excited for a pre baby honeymoon next Dec. to FL.
I also agree that people are confusing me with another poster again. Haha.

Mysterious_wife

MHO, you need to step away from baby boards. Stop playing games with H while he is drunk. You can't say "he likes talking baby names" if those conversations take place during a drunken night. You shouldn't play the "I paid for your goals!" card either. It isn't fair to either of you. You need to grow up a little. Your post are coming across as immature.

lifeonthehill

Mysterious_wife said:

MHO, you need to step away from baby boards. Stop playing games with H while he is drunk. You can't say "he likes talking baby names" if those conversations take place during a drunken night. You shouldn't play the "I paid for your goals!" card either. It isn't fair to either of you. You need to grow up a little. Your post are coming across as immature.

They may be items from his personal list but they are OUR goals. I have never once said "I paid for your goals" H discusses baby names sober and actually brought the name Sara up again this morning after a sober shower. 

I don't think I am immature. Sorry if I am coming across that way to you. I also don't plan on leaving the boards I have been on the bump over a year now.

lifeonthehill

smithaz602 said:

 Men are weird when it comes to babies and TTC so give him a break and try not to spring things on him like that. Obviously it freaks him out. Good luck!

Haha. He has always been so level headed when discussing things like this so I honestly didn't think talking about it was going to bother him. I learned my lesson. He was talking baby names again this morning so he obviously is feeling better. We agreed to keep on the time line we had originally agreed on no matter how early we finish up our baby bucket list. Thanks!

lifeonthehill

GhostMonkey said:

Talking about names does not mean someone is ready for a child. 

Seriously- you need to have a real talk with him and stop acting like you are 16 and trying to play house. You come across immature because you refuse to approach this in an adult manner. 

And no, men who are ready don't react like that. 

So because over years of discussing this he has a freak out and apologizes for it we can assume he wont be ready to have a baby in 12+ months?

What is the adult manor in which I should approach this? Setting goals for ourselves and talking over the last two+ years about TTC is immature? I feel like that is quite the opposite honestly.

rjeller32

alyssa32713 said:

GhostMonkey said:

Talking about names does not mean someone is ready for a child. 

Seriously- you need to have a real talk with him and stop acting like you are 16 and trying to play house. You come across immature because you refuse to approach this in an adult manner. 

And no, men who are ready don't react like that. 

So because over years of discussing this he has a freak out and apologizes for it we can assume he wont be ready to have a baby in 12+ months?

What is the adult manor in which I should approach this? Setting goals for ourselves and talking over the last two+ years about TTC is immature? I feel like that is quite the opposite honestly.

Talking baby names =/= talking TTC. And in all honesty, I think a man OR woman can get the same emotions your H is getting, because having babies is a horrifying idea when it starts to sound real. At least to some people.

I think you need to set down and have a real talk of when you BOTH want to TTC, not just when you want it. Sure, you might have said "I want a baby within a year and a half of marriage", but a part of marriage means sacrificing for your SO. If he says "I was thinking more of 3-4 years", then you have to come to a compromise. Marriage isn't about YOU, it's about the both of you.

I am sure it freaked you out that he said he didn't want kids ever, but give him space. A couple months, then set him down and have an actual discussion. It sounds to me like you were talking about your financial goals and then babies just came up and it freaked him out. Some people have a very hard time comprehending a life with kids, especially if they currently have a ton of free time to do as they please. Give the guy a break.

lifeonthehill

rjeller32 said:

alyssa32713 said:

GhostMonkey said:

Talking about names does not mean someone is ready for a child. 

Seriously- you need to have a real talk with him and stop acting like you are 16 and trying to play house. You come across immature because you refuse to approach this in an adult manner. 

And no, men who are ready don't react like that. 

So because over years of discussing this he has a freak out and apologizes for it we can assume he wont be ready to have a baby in 12+ months?

What is the adult manor in which I should approach this? Setting goals for ourselves and talking over the last two+ years about TTC is immature? I feel like that is quite the opposite honestly.

Talking baby names =/= talking TTC. And in all honesty, I think a man OR woman can get the same emotions your H is getting, because having babies is a horrifying idea when it starts to sound real. At least to some people.

I think you need to set down and have a real talk of when you BOTH want to TTC, not just when you want it. Sure, you might have said "I want a baby within a year and a half of marriage", but a part of marriage means sacrificing for your SO. If he says "I was thinking more of 3-4 years", then you have to come to a compromise. Marriage isn't about YOU, it's about the both of you.

I am sure it freaked you out that he said he didn't want kids ever, but give him space. A couple months, then set him down and have an actual discussion. It sounds to me like you were talking about your financial goals and then babies just came up and it freaked him out. Some people have a very hard time comprehending a life with kids, especially if they currently have a ton of free time to do as they please. Give the guy a break.

He has always felt the same. That was why I was caught off guard the other night. 7 months ago he got excited and made a baby bucket list and wanted us to add things to it so we could have a timeline. He apologized for freaking out and said he still wanted to TTC in December. The man has a TTC countdown on his countdown app and is planning to start a baby fund this summer so I really think he is excited I think it just felt real for a moment and he panicked.
I feel like anyone can get scared, ready or not. I am not assuming that after all of the other conversations we have had and that one moment means he has backed out. 

Thanks. We will talk TTC again in the fall.

cookiedough22

A man with a TTC countdown app yet he freaked out with you mentioning TTC? This makes no sense.

lifeonthehill

chelleb24 said:

A man with a TTC countdown app yet he freaked out with you mentioning TTC? This makes no sense.

Hence my original post. Like I said we will talk more about it if he brings it up or I will wait till fall.

lifeonthehill

WhoCanItBeNow said:

chelleb24 said:

A man with a TTC countdown app yet he freaked out with you mentioning TTC? This makes no sense.

FTFY.

SmileyJay

I guess I am confused... before you got married you told him that not having kids is a deal breaker and you want to be pg within a year and a half? And he said he never wanted kids? And you guys agreed that he would just love you enough to tolerate having a child? I am confused how this works since it takes 2 to want a child. I would never want a child with someone who does not want one. This sounds like the very perfect recipe for divorce.

I don't know how you could move forward. You need to figure out if having children is something he actually wants to do. If it is not, then you will not have kids with him. If it is, but he has reservations, then you need to address those openly. You should not start trying until he actually wants to be a father. Don't pressure him and you definitely do not want to get pregnant just because he told you you could before you got married. 

missnacholover

OP, I think you need to table the TTC discussion.  Next December is a long ways away and a lot can happen between now and then. 

I'm hearing a lot of "Me, me, ME!" in you rposts.  YOU want to be pregnant within 18 months of marriage - what about DH?  What does HE want? 

I think a lot of couples are on different individual time lines.  However, part of marriage is coming together as a team and figuring out what works for US, not what works for just ME.