seriously? did you just say that? (vent)

jb2rn

I have a friend who is TTC #3 and our cycles are in sync so we were chatting on FB last night. 

She has had an odd cycle with lots of bleeding that has been different, lasting longer, etc. So she went to the OB. They didn't have any answers 

right away, but the doctor apparently commented it could be perimenopause (she is only 31 but has a hx of high FSH) 

Her last comment to me in the back and forth was "I am so glad I had my kids in my 20's!". Yeah, that was super sensitive to say to your 37 year 

old friend who is trying to get pregnant. Awesome. Thanks so much. 

I wish I could have had children a bit younger than I did, but I married older (she married her HS sweetheart right after college graduation) and that is just

how life worked out. 

I usually would have taken it in stride more so, but I read it just before bed so I kept mulling it over.

Has anyone said anything tactless to you lately?

HeathernSteven

Not really, I have kept our TTC mostly private because I didn't want to hear any one's opinion. I am sorry some people are a little insensitive, I also thinnk sometimes we become a little too sensitive. The emotional, physical, mental, financial trauma we go through monthly really starts to wear away our shields and we are very raw, leaving us Susceptible to barbs big and small.

(hugs) I am sorry she was insensitive about your situation, try to remember it most likely was not aimed at you, but all about her. (((HUGS)))

jb2rn

Heather, You are right, I am feeling sensitive. And had it been a stranger I would have blown it off, but this is a friend and we talk about getting pregnant, where are you in your cycle, how are you doing, etc, etc. 

I guess I just expected more sensitivity from her. That is all. 

Mrs.McIrish

I was telling my family this story of a girl I know who was doing IVF with donor sperm who coincidentally met this guy at the same time. So now she's pregnant and it's not the boyfriends since she used DS. Totally the movie the Back Up Plan.. Anyway My BIL turns to me and says "what's IVF"?" Umm, WTF? He's been around for all 6 rounds of mine, I've shot up in his house, had a m/c. Did he already forget? How do you not know what IVF is? He also constantly tells me I can borrow his kids anytime.. Cuz that will solve it, right?

jb2rn

Mrs.McIrish said:

I was telling my family this story of a girl I know who was doing IVF with donor sperm who coincidentally met this guy at the same time. So now she's pregnant and it's not the boyfriends since she used DS. Totally the movie the Back Up Plan.. Anyway My BIL turns to me and says "what's IVF"?" Umm, WTF? He's been around for all 6 rounds of mine, I've shot up in his house, had a m/c. Did he already forget? How do you not know what IVF is? He also constantly tells me I can borrow his kids anytime.. Cuz that will solve it, right?

gscoville

Not lately, but I have this friend who is pretty tactless as a general rule. Barely a month after my loss last January she complained to me about how her and her H were having 'trouble' conceiving their 5th - they'd been trying for four months, and she'd always gotten pregnant first or second month trying with her other four. Then, in May she invited me for dinner, disappeared to the bathroom, and came out with a fresh positive peestick which she plunked on the kitchen table in front of me, thereby telling me before even her own H. Yeah, I've had to do some avoiding, she's also a coworker but luckily we work at different sites.

on42

I think your feelings are valid, jb2rn. You shouldn't have to justify them, because your expereince is purely your own, and no one else can fully understand how you experience and process this situation.

I have had a few odd comments from people--one on Monday from my acupuncture practitioner who tried to tell me in Traditional Chinese Medicine, I am not considered infertile because we haven't been unsuccessfully trying for three years. Clearly she was taking neither my age nor my past history of trying in to account. GRRR! And the ones that really make me angry? "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant,"--which happened ONE TIME, ended in miscarriage, and never happened before or again. I just totally want to slap people who say that to me. 

I just tell myself that these are people (I hope) mean well, but who lack the experiences that I have, and who just don't know better. And I do stand up and say, "Well, that doesn't make this process any easier to manage." They need to know that it's not as easy as that. Ugh! It still makes me mad to think about it.

CheezeFace

*****Ticker warning*****

First, I think you are completely justified in feeling the 'sting' from that statement.  I know I always expect a bit more sensitivity with those that I'm open with about IF struggles.  When they slip, it just hurts more than if it was someone who didn't know the situation. I get it.  When I was TTC#1 I had a dear friend who was really exasperated with her two children say to me, "Are you sure you want to do this? I don't know why you don't just settle for 'Cool Aunt' and call it done."

That was three years ago and I still haven't forgotten it.  It was like she punched me in the gut. I'm not normally one to hold on to things.  That one hurt though.

Second, Hi!  I remember we were going through this journey together the first time.  I was excited when I saw your screen name:) I wish you the best of luck and I hope you don't mind if I'm a creepy lurker around here.

rae_dylanzmom

The tactless comments that have stuck with me are from my m/c... the gist of which were, "But you weren't really trying." Um, as far as you know. I would have been due this week.

Since then, I have only told a couple of neighbor friends that we are trying (friends, but not the lifelong friends who push my buttons). They have actually been really helpful with suggestions. They each have 2 of their own, so their suggestions are all very relevant to my situation.

jb2rn

thanks guys. Sorry, Mrs.McIrish, I tried to quote and comment but still having issues with responses on here.

I can't believe he said "what is IVF?" uh, it's almost 2014, get a clue.

And CheezeFace, glad to see you here  

DawnHope

My brother randomly met a coworker of mine yesterday, and later says to me "How old is your friend?".  So I tell him she's 46, and he says "Wow, she had kids late in life, she said she had an 8 year old".  SO random for him to comment on that out of the blue (keep in mind I'm 42).   We have not shared our 3 years of TTC with our families (oddly enough, no one has ever asked) but it's just staggering the dumb things people say. 

jb2rn

DawnHope said:

My brother randomly met a coworker of mine yesterday, and later says to me "How old is your friend?".  So I tell him she's 46, and he says "Wow, she had kids late in life, she said she had an 8 year old".  SO random for him to comment on that out of the blue (keep in mind I'm 42).   We have not shared our 3 years of TTC with our families (oddly enough, no one has ever asked) but it's just staggering the dumb things people say. 

You know, I always find it more surprising when a 18 or 21 year old has a baby, not when a 40 year old does. And that isn't because I am older, I always felt that way. So what he finds surprising and having a negative connotation, I do not.

mindaa

Absolutely, it's normal to expect more sensitivity from people who you open up to. But people will say things without fully thinking it through... heck, I sure have. So, I guess that's one reason I pretty much keep our TTC private. 

jb2rn said:

You know, I always find it more surprising when a 18 or 21 year old has a baby, not when a 40 year old does. 

Yes!  I totally agree. But like you said originally, everyone's path in life in life is different. Ironically, this process of becoming an "older" mom has helped me be less judgmental of "young" moms. Life just works out differently for different people, and we all just have to make the best of it.