Exercise and forgiveness

kz's_girlygirl

This post isn't really a vent, or a question either. I think I just need to get some thoughts out into the universe and off of my heart. 

I have been having a rough time lately, and I think the holiday's and the idea of doing another IVF are just making things that much more difficult.  I have been struggling a lot with guilt surrounding Jesse's death and fear surrounding the real possibility of never having a living child.  My rational mind knows Jesse's death was not my fault, that I didn't intentionally or unintentionally cause it to come about, but sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that he died within me after my water broke- and there was absolutely nothing that could be done.  I worry that he suffered or felt pain.  At our last ultrasound just hours before he died, his heart rate was elevated at 187- I can't bear to think that he was struggling and suffocating, but my mind goes there over and over again. 

Struggling with infertility for so many years, and finally conceiving only to have my baby die just makes me so angry- my body is unable to do what it was naturally designed to do, what comes so easy for so many.  What's to stop it from causing the death of another baby, if we are lucky enough to conceive with out next round of IVF?  How could this happen?

These are the types of things that are always circling around in my thoughts, and I know there are many of you who struggle to answer the same types of questions.  In an effort to try to escape those feelings- all feelings if I'm being honest- I've started exercising more.  Instead of just occasionally going to the gym, I've started going 5-6 days a week, and following a fitness program for strength training and cardio.  Initially, I was just trying to outrun/outlift/outsweat the feelings of guilt and anxiety and it was really tough.  Some days I would almost start crying on the elliptical machine out of frustration- I would physically feel like I needed to go faster to push the thoughts out of my mind. 

Recently, things have changed though-  I've been able to lift heavier weights and sustain a more steady pace.  *My body is listening to me, and is doing what I want it to do.*  I really feel like making progress physically is helping me to make progress healing mentally and emotionally.  I know that there is no solution, and no way to work harder and make an IVF work, but I am getting closer to a place where I can look at and inhibit my physical body without blaming it for the death of my child.  I'm getting closer to a place where I realize that my mind and my body are parts of the same whole, and not entirely separate entities acting independently. 

At the same time I am struggling with guilt and fear, I think I am also slowly getting closer to a place where I can forgive myself.

Heatherhah

Please be kind to yourself it has only been 2 months. You are grieving all of the things that have come about the few month. I think it is great to focus on working out but you need to feel your feelings. It will get better in time. It won't go away the pain is still there for me after 2 years but it seems to be more easy to deal with now.  The first 3 months were hell for me. But then after the 3rd month it was a little easier to wake up in the morning. I'm not saying that the mornings were easy but it was easier to get up and function normally at that point or normal to me at that point.

My DH worked out after we lost our daughter and did it faithfully to work out his anger at her loss. Our loss counselor recommended him to do it and he still works our 5 days a week and it really helps him with the pain of losing our daughter.

We are all here for you on this journey!! Hugs!!

Heather

kz's_girlygirl

Thanks Heather. Your story has really helped me in the few months I have been here. I do allow myself to feel my feelings, and I think (maybe similarly to your husband) what I thought was a way to escape them (exercising) actually turned out to be a way to help me cope with them. I've always had trouble with feelings abd expressing intense emotion- I need a way to make them physical, so maybe instinctually I was drawn to more regular exercise rather than something more destructive. (My support group has also definitely helped !). Thank you so much for your comment

jess123456

I think exercise is an awesome way to help with your frustration and anger. I have actually gone in two different ways. Last year I found myself exercising alot because I was so angry at my body for causing this that I told myself that even though I can't control my loss I can control how I feel physically. Now I am at a place where I am punishing my body by eating and not working out. The mind body correlation is an interesting dynamic. For me it's all about control. Losing that control and feeling like you have no control over things like the death of a child is very hard to handle. Thank you for posting this because I need a kick in the butt to get back in shape because I know it helps so much not only physically but emotionally.

jess123456

I should also mention that over the past year I have been going to a meditation group and that has really helped a lot in terms of quieting my mind and letting go a bit. I am not sure if you are open to that but it has been very helpful.

kz's_girlygirl

@jess123456- It is definitely about control for me too.  In the past I have tried to gain control in unhealthy and self destructive ways, but I have really gained a new perspective since our loss. 

My support group recently started holding a meditation/centering and creative session before the regular sharing time, and I went to it for the first time last night.  It was 30 minutes of guided meditation followed by 30 minutes of a creative activity.  I actually really enjoyed it, and plan on attending next month as well.  Great suggestion, and it came a just the right time  

Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you are able to get to a place where you are feeling good mentally and physically. 

CRUN2012

Good for you for finding a healthy way to cope! Even though you may have begun doing it because you wanted an escape- what you found was an excellent tool that you can use to help you work through your grief! I'm glad that you are feeling better both physically and mentally/emotionally.

VyD81

Thank you for sharing. You're motivating me to get back to working out regularly. I used to do yoga 3 times a week but have been slacking off the past couple of weeks. I also struggle with the same fear of the unknown, we were lucky to get pregnant through 2nd round of IUI, but I don't know if I can ever have a living baby. AF is still not here yet, so my body is back to not working properly. I wish I can tell my body to work. You're right, feeling good physically will help heal emotionally and hopefully better chance to conceive and carry a baby.

stefuge

I'm glad you posted this. You have been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm glad to hear you are doing better. I felt a very similar need to exercise in the first few weeks after our loss. Unfortunately, that has slacked off some as the craziness of life resumes, but I need to get back to it. I agree with PP, that exercise is definitely a healthier option for dealing with anger and frustration, and so is the support group. ((Hugs))