How many people

Littlejen22

Have actually had someone walk up to them near their home and ask for food or money? And if this has happened to you please state where you live such as a city, small town and you live on a very Main Street or small town and no where near a Main Street, rural, suburbs, etc. Many people think Amber was quick to judge but I don't know anyone that has ever had this happen to them outside of cities so I really am curious. And while I am sure a whole lot of people that have never been in this board are going to say they live on a secluded street in the woods and get people people begging for food all the time but I am really interested in hearing experiences from people that I actually believe.

coopsbaby

Never had it happen. We live on a main street in a small town in a very rural area. I would seriously flip the frick out if it happened here. 

Lavender P

I live in a suburb of a major city and I haven't had anyone ever come up to my house asking for money, but my parents have. They live in a large, upper middle class neighborhood (think 800-900k houses) and a few times peoe have come up to their house asking for cash. They said they didn't have any and they really didn't. My parents never keep cash in the house...they didn't think it was too odd that someone asked because they live off a major road and can bring in all kinds of people.

CurlyQ284

Never happened to me. I've lived in suburbs and rural in DC and Memphis areas. It happens when I go into the city and I try to have cash on me for that reason but never at home.

SimpleJane

Never ever. I've lived in cities and rural areas and if a strange man approached me in my Driveway I would be afraid no matter where I lived. Probably more so if I was in a rural area where nobody could hear or see if I happened to be attacked.

KendraL86

I live in an upper middle class suburb of a big city (house is on near main roadway). I would freak out if someone walked up to my house and asked me for money or food. In a panicked state I would likely close and lock the door and call the police.

If I was out walking around, I wouldn't think twice about give someone money/buying them food. But, once someone came on my property, I would be very leery of their intentions.

nattyncbride

It happened to me in a college town, family neighborhood, in NC when I was in grad school (10 years ago).  I gave food.  I felt very nervous during and after. He never came back, no repercussions.

I now live in a residential neighborhood (large community) in the suburbs.  I would not do it again, esp living alone w/ just my DS.  The humanitarian in me would want to, but the practical side of me is scared to connect with anyone I don't know near my residence.  

I work downtown in a large-ish (top 15 in US) city.  I run after work, downtown, and part of my route takes me past two homeless shelters.  I sometimes give $ to people around there, but they don't know where I live, they don't know my name, some I never see again.  Whole different story.

+just+j+

I have lived in about every living situation there is. The most wary and nervous I have ever been of strange people is when I lived out in the country. No one has come to my door to ask for food or money unless they were legitimately doing it for a charity, cause, or work. If they clearly were panhandling, I would be the most freaked out in the country. It just does not happen there and it is by far the most concerning scenario.

twister22

No one has ever come up to me and asked for food. We are about to move to a neighborhood of mostly retired, older folks. It would scare me if someone came up to my house, as I am a SAHM and have 2, soon to be 3, young kids. I would feel that my neighbors being seniors wouldn't be much "protection." I would want to help the individual, but would feel VERY wary and nervous. I would probably handle it similar to Amber.

nurrieum

I live in a rural community in the Midwest, small town, we currently live "in town" but I've lived out in the boonies too. Have I had someone come to my door asking for food? No. I have had a stranger come to my door asking for shelter. They claimed to live with a neighbor who was shady and their boyfriend left them and they were scared of said shady neighbor. She wanted shelter (though declined the offer to be taken to the women's shelter across the river) and someone to talk to. It was strange, we didn't know her but since it was me and my husband and our kids weren't home, we let her in. We talked to her, tried to calm her down, I gave her some prenatal vitamins, and the numbers of the local places she could call. This turned out to bite me because she harassed us a bit by continuing to come around at odd hours needing "help". When it got irritating (and as she declined to take help from institutions that provide it) we informed her if she returned we'd call the police (a friend of ours) and she never came back. 

We took in an acquaintance for a few weeks when he was homeless with no place to go and helped him get back on his feet. I will probably never do that again but it wasn't like the experience was horrible, just an inconvenience. 

Our side of the river has a very low crime rate, five minutes across the river and that's something different entirely. They just had a string of break ins, why it doesn't seem to filter across state lines I'm not sure. I work across the river and have had people try the door (like giggle to see if it was locked) late at night and I've called the police. 

To place a bit of perspective though, I'm a person who easily falls for the sob story. Then I have to deal with it.Thankfully I've been blessed never to have anything serious happen beyond an irritant. My Momma was the lady who helped the women collecting cans for money searching through gas station trash, it just doesn't seem that odd to me. When I lived out in the country miles from town and someone came to my door asking for something, I'd be suspicious how they got out that far.  In a small town, less so. I think I'm the exception rather than the rule but that experience colors what I think. 

nevertune

I live in the suburbs of St. Louis, Missouri. I've lived in the city and spent a lot of time hanging out there in the past. I've had people ask me for money or food, but ONLY in public places. And they'd never ask me if I were walking or sitting alone. Sometimes I've given money, sometimes I decline, and I've never had a problem. I've lived in a lot of different areas around the city and suburbs, but never had someone panhandle at my private property. I honestly don't know how I'd react. We don't keep a lot of spare food in the house (I don't think anyone would appreciate flour and uncooked rice), nor do I keep cash, so I don't know how I could help much anyway. I guess, since I live right by a hospital, I could suggest they go there for assistance.

hopanka

I live in Los Angeles, nice neighborhood...but it's still L.A. There are a lot of homeless people all over the city, and I've had a couple scary encounters. Both times, the homeless guy was under the influence. Many years ago when I lived in WeHo, my husband came to my car in the morning and found a homeless guy sleeping in my backseat. I must have forgotten to lock the doors...

Littlejen22

chattychiqa said:

Never happened to me BUT I'm a police dispatcher for a smallish suburb that is very well to do and it has happened there...I get at least 1 call every 6 months or so for people asking for money. Usually it's because they "have broken down" or need gas, etc. Nobody has asked for food.

And what do you recommend to the people that call?

Wahoo

I live in suburban NJ.  A "nice" but not wealthy (middle class / upper middle class) town.  Our town neighbors more blue-collar towns.

Just a few weeks ago, believe it or not, a girl (young 20's), nicely but casually dressed, knocked on my door and asked if she could use my phone.  (not for money, food, help).  She said she was lost and wanted to use my GPS.  I asked her what location she was looking for ao I could try to direct her where she wanted to go, and she was very vague ("oh, just a friend who lives around here...").

Of course, I am probably racist because she was a person of color (Indian / Packistani), but I called DH down so she knew that DH was home and let her use my phone outside the house. 

I let her use my phone, OUTSIDE.  I did realize that she may have been vague to protect herself (or else she was a ditz), and her actions made me further suspicious. 

In this case, I did not call the police, but if she had been a male and / or DH wasn't home, I would have.   If I were alone, I could have taken her skinny *ss down, lol, but like I said in one of my first replies to Amber,my friend's grandma was killed in a "nice" surburban NJ town when people rang her bell and asked to use her phone.  It was a male and a female, and the female can always be the person who is let in. 

I had a neighbor when I was young who stopped his car on the side of the road for people who needed assistance.  They killed him and took his car (this happened in the South, I lived in NJ at the time).  So yes - - people claiming to "need help" are not always genuine nice people who just want a helping hand. 

If people ask for your help, they need to accept the boundries that you put up to make yourself feel safe.  IMO the helper is not saying "YOU are a criminal and a bad person," the helper is saying "there ARE people who are bad people, and I need to protect myself in case you are not."  WTF - you can't assume everyone who you see is just some nice, down on their luck person.  I don't give a rat's *ss if the young girl at my house was insulted that she couldn't come inside and use my house phone.  The alternative would be to shut the door in her face, because apparently that was a lot nicer than giving her what she needed to find her friend. (?)

CFjo2010

Wahoo said:

If people ask for your help, they need to accept the boundries that you put up to make yourself feel safe.  IMO the helper is not saying "YOU are a criminal and a bad person," the helper is saying "there ARE people who are bad people, and I need to protect myself in case you are not."  WTF - you can't assume everyone who you see is just some nice, down on their luck person.  I don't give a rat's *ss if the young girl at my house was insulted that she couldn't come inside and use my house phone.  The alternative would be to shut the door in her face, because apparently that was a lot nicer than giving her what she needed to find her friend. (?)

^^This.

I haven't had anyone come to my home asking for help (I live in a gated community,. so it's a little more difficult for random people to get in), but when I'm approached in parking lots I get skittish.  I just don't like it.  You hear about people being robbed or assaulted in parking lots by people asking for assistance.  If someone were to actually come on my property panhandling I would probably call the police.  Like @Wahoo said, people need to respect boundaries.  Coming onto my property and ringing my bell is NOT respecting boundaries.

Banana44

I agree with Jo when it comes to being skittish.

I grew up in a large city and I have lived in many different parts of the city during my life.  I also lived in a Jersey suburb and now a PA suburb. I also work in a train station.  So I am used to seeing not only homeless people, but people from all walks of life.

I would NOT be pleasant to any person of any color that approached me at my house.  Your home should be your safe haven and no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in your home.

And if the hairs on the back of your neck go up - trust your natural instinct!

Your life is more important than someone else feeling slightly insulted!

Also, I have worked as a civilian in Police Departments for 20 years and having someone panhandle at a private residence is a definite reason to call the police.  Even if an officer didn't come to your house, they would take a report over the phone and that information could be helpful for any trends that start occurring in the neighborhood.

outnumbered

I lived in different parts of Boston and Cambridge for over 10 years.  I encountered people from every walk of life and gave occasionally gave money or food to people who were panhandling.  If I was approached  here in my driveway in suburbia I would be very uncomfortable.  It is out of the norm. I would call the non-emergency number of the local police to let them know.   I would not let any stranger in my house.  My fathers friend was stabbed by a woman who he let in his house.  She had her child with her.  

xmaryrickx

Middle of nowhere dweller here. I have never had that happen and would freak out if it did. I have had random cars pull in my driveway and stop for too long but no one has ever approached me. The Jehovah's though? They still show up here.

Ilumine

I have had people come to my house looking for food 3 times.  

1) while I lived in a WASP suburb in the 1980s.  It was during Hill Cumorah Pageant time and the person was one of the Mormons on their mission.  I am not sure if they were allowed to ask for food/drink.  I was in high school and happily turned them away.  

We have a no solicitation sign on our door for a reason.  Living close to Palmyra, NY has its disadvantages.   And no, I am not knocking the LDS Church overall.  But I do have a problem with the persistence of the members looking to save my soul.  And the local bishop at that time did not help. 

2) One time was just outside of Alexandria VA, in little Korea area Annandale.  It was the early/mid 2000s and the gang fighting between the Korean KP and the MS-13 had just started.  

The man coming to my door was most definitely casing my condo - the tattoos were a dead giveaway.  Which is why I called the cops before he had left the building.  And why I ran for the Condo Board and implemented the camera installations. 

3) The third time was in Germany.  The person was not German, but more than likely White Russian or Roma.  I did not call the cops because the person was run out of the neighborhood by our neighbors across the street.  The confrontation was loud but Mr. K let us know the man would not be back. 

I have not weighed in on Amber's post before now.  But I cannot find fault in HER response.  We, especially women, have been ingrained to be both caring and scared.  We get beaten down (like HAB did to her) for not being giving and at the same time told that opening one's home to someone can lead you to rape or death. 

So you second guess yourself and then end up doing it all wrong…just like you were worried about.  

So those that find Amber's response to be dehumanizing…what would you have done. 

Sigir

My parents live in central nj in a suburb. They have had people come to their door asking for money and unfortunately they are the type of older people who let them in w out hesitance and don't call the cops. When I hear about it after the fact I always tell them that they are lucky that they only lost $20 and not their lives. The people always have crazy stories that I see right through when I hear them. Word must be out on the street that my parents are easy marks. Seriously though this happens about once a year.

My exh's family lives in a rural subdivision in western nj. They have had the scam where someone comes to the front door and says they are broken down, and then someone tries to sneak in the back door. My exh was by the back door, so he stopped them.

IMO there is rarely a time when a panhandler in a non urban setting is not a scammer.

SueBear

I live in the Northern NJ suburbs.  This has never happened to me.  BUT...

A few years ago my house was broken into.  I had a long talk with the police about what to do to make my house safer (our house had been broken into 2x before we moved in, so it must have been an easy target).  It was a walk-through of our house that the police offers anyone, hopefully before they are robbed, but I guess most of the people who take advantage are crime vicitms.

One of the things the police officer told me that VERY often a burgler will come to your door and ring your bell  just to see if you are home.  If you answer the door, they will make up some story like "oh, I am looking for Joe Smith"  Really they are just looking to see if you are home so they can rob you right now, or they are looking for your pattern.  If something random like that happens, call the police.

I would highly recommend the book "The Gift of Fear."  It tells how you shouldn't put aside the sense you have that you are in a situation where you need to protect yourself.  Unlike the wackos on Amber's post, the  author says its better NOT to ignore any feeling that you need to keep at a distance.