My toddler refuses to put away toys! Help!

ChristineBaker23

My daughter is 2 years and 3 months old and is a very independent child. The one thing I am at my wits end about is she absolutely will not put away toys. It's not due to a lack of understanding, she just does not want to do it. I know that she has the capability and motor skills to put away her toys. I have tried sitting with her and helping her but that always turns into me putting toys away while she takes them back out. I have tried sitting and telling her "put _____ away" "now, put,____ away" but that never lasts past 3 or 4 toys before she just ignores me. I have tried bribery such as, put away the Legos and you can watch a tv show. Nothing works! She just comes to me and says, "Mommy come put my toys away for me" anytime I ask her to pick up. With another baby on the way I would really like to teach her to put away her things independently. Any ideas?

TiffanyBerry

If it's time to put the toys away, when she starts ignoring you and playing with a toy instead, what do you do?  If you let her play, then of course she's going to ignore you.

Here are some things I find useful:

1) have a plan.  determine exactly what you are going to clean up.  I don't mean what room, I mean what toys.  Let's say my daughter has her markers, legos, trains, and balls out.  I will pick TWO of those concrete objects and say "ok, we need to put away all the legos and the balls.  let's start with the legos."

2) do it with her - don't just supervise or give commands.  sure, be slower than her, but do it with her.

3) do it before something she usually does that she likes.  I am trying to make this a regular occurrence before dessert time.  no dessert until we finish cleaning those two items.  these are very concrete, real, REGULAR things for her, eliminating as much ambiguity as possible.

4) don't make it too much.  like, at that age, 5 minutes tops.  even if you have to do it five times a day.  at 3.5, I still only do 10 minutes tops.  more than that and she can't deal with it.  besides, if I make it concrete objects, rather than a time limit, she tends to get it done faster.

5) make it a game if you can (I'm horrible at this) and give her some leeway on HOW she cleans up.  if she cleans up the legos by stacking them into a single big tower before putting them in the bin, I'm ok with that (even if I have to remind myself to be ok with that).

6) if she gets up to play with something else, I pick her up and put her back to task.  no yelling, and repeatedly if necessary.

wychets

We sing songs while cleaning up or turn it into a basketball game. She is at the phase now where she wants to do every thing Mmommy does, so cleaning up is fun to her now. GL!

ChristineBaker23

@hocus I have tried taking away the toys as a consequence.That didn't even phase her. Today I tried takning away a pb&j.

@hocus & @TiffanyBerry today she asked for a pb&j so I said she needed to put away the Legos first. I started to help her but she just kept playing. When I tried to repeat to her that she needs to put them away so she can have her pb&j she just got so distraught over the pb&j she lost all focus. I sat with her and tried to put them away again. No luck. So I gave her a time out (which was mostly for me-as I said this has become a very frustrating battle for us). I came back and tried to work on putting them away again and she ignored me and then just flat told me that I needed to put them away for her (she's pretty bright for a 2 yr old and knows how to be sneaky and get her way) I stood my ground and told her no pb&j and took her sandwich and put it in the kitchen. (I had it sitting where she could see it, sometimes that motivates her). Then, I sent her to her nap and told her we would try again when nap time is over.

@TiffanyBerry I have tried 1,2,3, 5 and 6 with no luck in the past. I will try to be more mindful of how much time we spend on the task as you mentioned in 4. She manages to drag it out to the point that we're both just pissed off at each other lol. Which is never good with a toddler!

Thanks for the tips! Keep me coming! I want to have a good game plan for when she wakes up from nap time. Also, any critiques for our pb&j vs. Legos battle and how I handled it?

ChristineBaker23

wychets said:

We sing songs while cleaning up or turn it into a basketball game. She is at the phase now where she wants to do every thing Mmommy does, so cleaning up is fun to her now. GL!

My daughter loves to sing and has her own iPod touch (an old one my husband had) with kid music on it. Maybe I can come up with a game with it. I discourage basketball type games though because she honestly just sucks at throwing and it would probably result in lots of bruises and broken toys lol. Thanks!

NCMichelle

Sounds a lot like my DD!  One day I told her whatever was left out was going away for time out for a month.  I got a giant trash bag and filled it up with her watching.  I actually held my ground and it stayed in the closet for an entire month.  She's cleaned up ever since...

blu-eyedwife

Okay, so bear with me because I haven't tried this out yet, but I'm thinking about instituting a bell.

On Friday, I was at my son's preschool because they had their holiday concert.  They begin the morning playing with toys.  At a certain point, the teacher gave them a warning that "soon it's going to be time to clean up everyone."  A couple minutes later she stated "Okay, 8 seconds till clean up!"  And then she started counting to 8.  All the kids stopped what they were doing, counted with her, and then she rang a bell.  I don't know about the other kids, but I was watching my son who started singing "clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere..." as he took the wagon he was skateboarding around the room with and put it away.

This weekend, I made toast, and I noticed that every time the toaster went off (ding!) he'd start singing the clean up song.  He obviously associated it with the bell in preschool. 

I think the idea about making it a game in itself (the countdown, bell, and song) might really work.  Along with a warning that it was coming so they can prepare themselves a little.

beautiflaw

We have trouble with our 2 year old and toys too. She liked to have hers all spread out where she can see them. She has a lot of playsets and things so instead of having all her toys in one toybox, we have shelves and drawers so each type of toy has its own special place. Everything stays pretty organized. She knows cars go in a certain drawer, dolls go on a certain drawer, books go on the shelf, etc.

We put away toys twice a day. Once before naptime, and once before bedtime. We go through the whole house and collect toys together. I tell her "time to clean up" and then I grab a basket and tell her to help me put things in the basket. If she doesn't do it, I take her hands, grab a toy, and place them in the basket. Gently always, and telling her that its important to clean up after ourselves. If she has a fit, we take deep breaths and count to ten, and then I explain that we need to clean up so we won't have a messy home. I tell her that her toys are safe in their special homes. By this point she understands and is ready to help. I encourage her and tell her she's my "big girl helper" and give her lots of attention and praise for being a good helper. It makes her feel good.

When my husband is doing clean up with her they play a game. They "race" to see who can pick up the most toys the fastest. Or they pretend to be dinosaurs while they clean up, or whatever. Sometimes they play "blast off" and my husband counts down like a rocket about to take off, and then when he says "blast off" they run around the room putting up toys as fast as they can.

Its not always perfect. She doesn't always put everything exactly where its supposed to go. Most of the time if things aren't perfect in her room I at least make sure everything is out of the living room before bed. Usually she does really well though because she likes thinking she's a big girl. We really stress that big girls help out mommy and daddy at home.

fancynewbeesly

Many of her toys---not all are in the small shoebox containers from Target. Usually, I make her clean up one before she takes out another. She knows the rule---so she easily says I clean up now, and then goes and grabs another container that she wants to play with. 

Sometimes, I don't have her clean up her toys--which I know is odd, but my daughter is REALLY good about it and rarely fights me on it. So if she took out 5-10 different activities in the AM, and cleaned them up without complaining for the most part during the day--then I'll clean up the toys that she has still out at bedtime/naptime/etc. 

I think it does help that Reese is a neat freak---and hates anything being out of place. And flips out if she can't find anything. 

But the individual sorted containers (with lids!) REALLY helped. She can't open it without my help, they are organized, and I can easily enforce---"put the sesame street back and I'll open the tea party container." She has access to them all day long, so it isn't on a high shelf--but she definitely needs our help to open it, so it becomes more manageable. 

beautiflaw

ChristineBaker23 said:

@hocus I have tried taking away the toys as a consequence.That didn't even phase her. Today I tried takning away a pb&j. @hocus & @TiffanyBerry today she asked for a pb&j so I said she needed to put away the Legos first. I started to help her but she just kept playing. When I tried to repeat to her that she needs to put them away so she can have her pb&j she just got so distraught over the pb&j she lost all focus. I sat with her and tried to put them away again. No luck. So I gave her a time out (which was mostly for me-as I said this has become a very frustrating battle for us). I came back and tried to work on putting them away again and she ignored me and then just flat told me that I needed to put them away for her (she's pretty bright for a 2 yr old and knows how to be sneaky and get her way) I stood my ground and told her no pb&j and took her sandwich and put it in the kitchen. (I had it sitting where she could see it, sometimes that motivates her). Then, I sent her to her nap and told her we would try again when nap time is over. @TiffanyBerry I have tried 1,2,3, 5 and 6 with no luck in the past. I will try to be more mindful of how much time we spend on the task as you mentioned in 4. She manages to drag it out to the point that we're both just pissed off at each other lol. Which is never good with a toddler! Thanks for the tips! Keep me coming! I want to have a good game plan for when she wakes up from nap time. Also, any critiques for our pb&j vs. Legos battle and how I handled it?

It is really dangerous to take away food from a child as a punishment. That is a recipe for future eating disorders, and many experts see that as real child abuse. Do not take food away as a punishment. Ever. Food is fuel for the body, not a treat or a privilege to be earned. You need to find a better way to discipline that is not damaging to your child's health and psyche.

beautiflaw

blu-eyedwife said:

I think the idea about making it a game in itself (the countdown, bell, and song) might really work.  Along with a warning that it was coming so they can prepare themselves a little.

This is great. We always let her know when something new is about to happen, to give her mind time to transition to the new activity. "Okay, a few minutes we are going to take a bath", "Okay, we are going to brush our teeth in 1 minute."

ChristineBaker23

@beautiflaw
My mobile isn't letting me quote right now sorry. I never take away a meal from my daughter. I agree that that is not a good punishment. The pb&j was a treat. She sometimes has a quarter of one like desert. My daughter is very motivated by food, the girl can eat. So, I do use treat like snacks as a reward. Put away Legos, get peanut butter jelly. If you look at my post she requested the pb&j and I said she could have it if she put her Legos away. When she didn't put the Legos away she didn't get what she wanted. I thank you for your concern but I do not think that offering food as a reward for good behavior could be detrimental to my child's psyche.

As an update, after her nap she decided she still wanted her pb&j so she asked me to help her with her toys. It was painful, and took almost 15 minutes just to do the small pile of Legos. But we got it done. It looks like after nap time is a good time for her to clean up, she is well rested and wants to get out of her room, I can use that as motivation for her to put something away. Thanks for all the thoughts guys! I will definitely put some of those to use!

ChristineBaker23

She had just had two pieces of pizza and an apple. She was not hungry. Just likes pb&j. All kids are different though. The one time I was successful in getting her to clean up all her toys was when I bribed her with cheetos. But I really didn't want to her to be eating junk every time she cleans her room. I have been gradually changing her rewards from food and gummie bears to stickers as she gets older. So far I have only made the full transition to stickers with pottying. Next step will be cleaning it looks like!

beautiflaw

ChristineBaker23 said:

@beautiflaw My mobile isn't letting me quote right now sorry. I never take away a meal from my daughter. I agree that that is not a good punishment. The pb&j was a treat. She sometimes has a quarter of one like desert. My daughter is very motivated by food, the girl can eat. So, I do use treat like snacks as a reward. Put away Legos, get peanut butter jelly. If you look at my post she requested the pb&j and I said she could have it if she put her Legos away. When she didn't put the Legos away she didn't get what she wanted. I thank you for your concern but I do not think that offering food as a reward for good behavior could be detrimental to my child's psyche. As an update, after her nap she decided she still wanted her pb&j so she asked me to help her with her toys. It was painful, and took almost 15 minutes just to do the small pile of Legos. But we got it done. It looks like after nap time is a good time for her to clean up, she is well rested and wants to get out of her room, I can use that as motivation for her to put something away. Thanks for all the thoughts guys! I will definitely put some of those to use!

Either way, using food as a reward or punishment is dangerous in parenting, and is considered to be borderline abusive by many, many experts. Please look this up. Being motivated by food is actually a bad sign. This is how eating disorders start. Rewards should always be something non-food related. A cuddle, watching a fun movie, some stickers, etc. Really, talk to your pediatrician about it and they will tell you the same thing.

I hope you will reconsider your position.

beautiflaw

ChristineBaker23 said:

She had just had two pieces of pizza and an apple. She was not hungry. Just likes pb&j. All kids are different though. The one time I was successful in getting her to clean up all her toys was when I bribed her with cheetos. But I really didn't want to her to be eating junk every time she cleans her room. I have been gradually changing her rewards from food and gummie bears to stickers as she gets older. So far I have only made the full transition to stickers with pottying. Next step will be cleaning it looks like!

Wow.

Cheetos? Really? They are full of really horrible things. And you do know that jelly is mostly sugar or high fructose corn syrup and not much else right? It might have once been fruit but it has zero nutritional value. If you are going to reward with food I'd suggest ones that aren't going to cause childhood obesity or diabetes.

Kids don't need a treat for doing chores. Period. Chores are a part of life. When she eventually goes to work at a real job her boss isn't going to be handing her a cookie every time she completes a task. This is a set up for a bad situation.

TiffanyBerry

I'm going to agree with the others that manipulating with food IS a poor way to go in parenting.  It does set them up for unnecessary baggage in a relationship with food - it associates guilt and pleasure with foods in a way that is not natural.  Don't get me wrong, I understand why you did what you did, and have been tempted to myself, but using food for rewards and punishments is a bad strategy for a child's long term health and well being. (And there's plenty of research to support that assertion.)

You've noted you've tried lots of things but NOTHING you try will be as effective as you are looking for the first time, or the third time, or - if you've got a stubborn kid (and that's a good thing!) the 10th time.  You have to be consistent, and make it a regular practice.  Every day.  The same time each day if you can.  I don't use food as a reward, but since dessert time and TV watching time are regular, predictable events in our house, I am trying (trying, because I hate cleaning too!) to set up a "first this, then that" sequence that she is used to.  It's not a "if you don't do this, you don't get that", it's a "once we do this, then we will do that".

What's the difference?  First, the communicated expectation that she will actually do the work, rather than communicating that you expect she won't.  Second, the sense of doing it together.  Third, and most importantly, it doesn't make the occurrence of the thing she wants dependent on completing the task, merely the timing.  Yes, it is different.  (And, to be honest, if the timing were better, I wouldn't do cleaning time before dessert, but before we start her bedtime routine.  But the timing doesn't work out the way I would much prefer.  I only connect it to dessert because that is the latest event in the day that still gives enough time for the cleaning to happen without impacting the bedtime schedule too much.)

Don't give up trying, and in the moment, don't give up on the task.  You say you did the "6) if she gets up to play with something else, I pick her up and put her back to task.  no yelling, and repeatedly if necessary." in the past without any luck.  But that's the thing, the success of this method doesn't depend on your kid, it depends on YOU have the patience to redirect them back to the task at hand.  Even if you have to redirect them 50 times, and it takes an hour.  Yes, I'm not kidding.  If you let her successfully turn away from the task, you have just taught her that she just has to be more persistent than you.  So I would HIGHLY encourage you to try again, but don't give up - though you will almost certainly get frustrated - don't give up until you have completed the small, concrete, well-defined task.

JMU_Bride09

I tell my son to pick up his toys or I'll take them away. He gets a warning or two before they get taken away.

somewhereincali

It's not a battle I'm willing to fight at 2. I start cleaning up, sing the clean up song , and 9 times out of 10 they eventually help with some pieces before I'm done.

authorofdreamz

Personally, I think 2 years is too young to be so strict about cleaning up toys. I don't force DD to clean up and praise her when she does it on her own so she knows she has done something good, that will usually result in her putting another 5-10 things away while clapping and saying "I help I help" I wouldn't start using any kind of consequences or anything else for cleaning until age 3.

DianeRog

Sorry to say, but this is your fault . We all do it - More and more toys and each is the biggest with the most pieces. Besides that it overstimulates our kids, Imagine if you had your clothes closet dumped, a day of cooking dishes and three loads of laundry waiting to be folded all waiting.

You would also turn and run.

That's what a friend pointed out to me and I realized why my daughter wanted to run at the end of the day

What I did. I cleaned up the toys and put them in closed containers and since she couldn't read what I had written on the outside she didn't run to all at once.

Then we bought her a kitchen (there are tons to choose from https://amzn.to/1kLr6Ct ). Don't buy tons of food and utensils - 2 dishes are enough - a few pieces of "food" (you can buy more but don't take it all out yet). A kitchen lends to putting things away naturally (unless you're a slob in your own kitchen ). It's perfect for this age and grows with her. Perfect for the imagination. Make sure to choose one with a lot of closets - She will want to put away the food in the fridge, the dishes in the closet...

Don't overwhelm her with toys. She'll clean her kitchen before you pull out ONE of your hidden toys

erbear

I tell mine, "when you put away all the toys, then we can do X (something she wants to do". Then, I walk out of the room. With no one to complain to, they do it pretty quickly.

erbear

ChristineBaker23 said:

She had just had two pieces of pizza and an apple. She was not hungry. Just likes pb&j. All kids are different though. The one time I was successful in getting her to clean up all her toys was when I bribed her with cheetos. But I really didn't want to her to be eating junk every time she cleans her room. I have been gradually changing her rewards from food and gummie bears to stickers as she gets older. So far I have only made the full transition to stickers with pottying. Next step will be cleaning it looks like!

Honestly, I would stop doing this like yesterday. Using food as a regular motivator is going to cause problems down the line. I like to think of chores (like putting away toys) as something we do to be part of the family. Everyone has a job, and this is yours. Kids like to feel important and like they belong.

TiffanyBerry

LalaMama81 said:

erbear said:

I tell mine, "when you put away all the toys, then we can do X (something she wants to do". Then, I walk out of the room. With no one to complain to, they do it pretty quickly.

Honestly, that isn't going to work w/ most younger kids - I'm thinking 2-3 year olds. If the mess is big enough it wouldn't work w/ my 5 year old. It is literally too overwhelming for them so instead of cleaning up they shut down. 

I think it works ok IF you limit it.  "When you put away all the balls, then we can do X."  I prefer that "X" is a normal part of the daily routine, not a special reward, myself.  And this basically ends up being "I will redirect you to the task of cleaning up the balls until they are all put away before we can do the next thing we were going to do, which you like doing."  

Sure, this will leave some mess behind, but it gets them started on being responsible for their toys and it teaches them how to look at things and make critical decisions.  (Scan a field of objects and identify the one they retain in their memory as the one they want.  And even then, it's not "the one" but the archetype.  Anywho... I think it's also a good cognitive task.)

janineuva

I would keep being consistent and do it with her.  The songs work in our house too- but that started at daycare and she loved doing it.  I also incorporate cleaning up into the day which helps- she "cleans" the table, puts clothes in hamper, etc because it is fun for her.

as for the food- to me, personal choice. Calling that abuse is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life or expecting an eating disorder because she was offered/threatened with a quarter of a PBJ sandwich,

My 2 year old gets "snacks" as rewards or doesn't if she does something not acceptable. They are just one of the rewards or consequences.

Just my two cents. 

janineuva

beautiflaw said:

ChristineBaker23 said:

She had just had two pieces of pizza and an apple. She was not hungry. Just likes pb&j. All kids are different though. The one time I was successful in getting her to clean up all her toys was when I bribed her with cheetos. But I really didn't want to her to be eating junk every time she cleans her room. I have been gradually changing her rewards from food and gummie bears to stickers as she gets older. So far I have only made the full transition to stickers with pottying. Next step will be cleaning it looks like!

Wow.

Cheetos? Really? They are full of really horrible things. And you do know that jelly is mostly sugar or high fructose corn syrup and not much else right? It might have once been fruit but it has zero nutritional value. If you are going to reward with food I'd suggest ones that aren't going to cause childhood obesity or diabetes.

Kids don't need a treat for doing chores. Period. Chores are a part of life. When she eventually goes to work at a real job her boss isn't going to be handing her a cookie every time she completes a task. This is a set up for a bad situation.

Don't you think you are being a little over the top when she was asking for advice on cleaning up? Food as punishment= child abuse, jelly=child obesity or diabetes.  Wow. 

charliejackson

Wow! If you haven't got some good ideas from all of the previous posts, I'll be surprised. But I thought I'd mention a great little book on Amazon called "Toddler Parenting" by Laura Stewart which covers important concepts that would be helpful for you. It's packed full of tips as well. For ~$5 well worth the outlay - but I bought the paperback because I find it is a top little book to refer back to. FWIW

JenniCollins

For my daughter we sing a clean up song and we both clean up the toys.  If she doesn't do it she gets put in timeout.  After timeout it was right back to cleaning.  It only took a few days for her to finishing 'testing' me about the firmness of this rule.  Occasionally she'll still attempt to not clean-up so I gently remind her that if she decides to not clean-up she needs to go to time-out. 

Just recently (at about 2 1/2) she has begun cleaning up independently, about once or twice a day I'll find her putting away something she is playing with.  My best advice is pick a direction that works for you both and stick with it. 

erbear

LalaMama81 said:

erbear said:

I tell mine, "when you put away all the toys, then we can do X (something she wants to do". Then, I walk out of the room. With no one to complain to, they do it pretty quickly.

Honestly, that isn't going to work w/ most younger kids - I'm thinking 2-3 year olds. If the mess is big enough it wouldn't work w/ my 5 year old. It is literally too overwhelming for them so instead of cleaning up they shut down. 

Maybe. But I have an almost 3 year old and a five year old and it works 90% of the time. 

I sometimes straighten up when they're done, but they do the cleaning up. It teaches responsibility and it definitely worth a try.