For working moms with working mom guilt

coffeeandbooks

I am feeling a bit guilty these days about working and not focusing totally on my son all the time but I have been thinking a lot about how traditionally women always did have to work to survive and women's lives often did not solely center on child rearing.

I found this article which I thought was interesting about our ancestors, I think it helps put the history of working mothers into a larger persepctive.  And it might help to allieve some working mom guilt when you think about how you are following a long line of mothers.

https://www.blogher.com/actually-being-working-mother-pretty-traditional?page=0,1

Please share anything else you might find on this topic and would love to hear your thoughts.  Thanks so much!

emmy236

Well this article isn't very informative and really over generalizing but I get what they are saying. One thing this person doesn't describe is the lack of community our current generation experiences. My grandmother had 7 children. She herself was one of ten and grandpa was one of 13. She had a built in community to help her. Plus NYC immigrant neighborhoods back then were such tight knit families as well. Now a days if a mother works, her option is usually just day care. Where basic strangers take care of our children vs family and neighbors. I think that is a lot of the guilt. My mother watches my son. I had originally thought I was going to have to send him to day care when I returned to work and it was killing me. My parents felt the same way and decided to spend their winter here and watch R for me. Now he will have to go to day care when they leave in a few months but then he'll be able to interact more. I'll still feel awful that a stranger (granted all the teachers there seem so warm and lovely) will be spending so much time with my baby but I'm hoping I'll quickly get over it. A lot of working moms here have said how much their LOs love day care and the teachers and that has made me feel a lot better. I also think if they asked those moms back then they'd all say they'd rather be with their child and felt just as sad to leave them. I don't think mommy guilt is a 21st century phenomenon, I think no one asked previous generations of moms how they felt.

smg2302

In that example, the moms were hunting and gathering, and I sit at a desk for most of my day. So, now I feel worse.

I have a ton of mommy guilt that I recognize is completely irrational.

coffeeandbooks

@smg2302 
I guess I would consider a desk job a 21st century equivalent to hunting and gathering because the bottom line is that you are out trying to provide for your family.

smg2302

@mslaurats In a sane state, I normally agree.  Coupled with going back to work, I am still overly emotional about things.  I am in this "phase" as my mom calls it where I am trying to be perfect mom, so when I find out I'm not doing something someone else is, it sets me off.  I recognize the value of my job, but I get jealous of friends who can afford to stay home, when we have the same levels of education, drive, etc. but my husband and I work in a lower paying field and have to work twice as hard.  I think I would have that issue even if DD wasn't involved.

MOMama987

smg2302 said:

@mslaurats In a sane state, I normally agree.  Coupled with going back to work, I am still overly emotional about things.  I am in this "phase" as my mom calls it where I am trying to be perfect mom, so when I find out I'm not doing something someone else is, it sets me off.  I recognize the value of my job, but I get jealous of friends who can afford to stay home, when we have the same levels of education, drive, etc. but my husband and I work in a lower paying field and have to work twice as hard.  I think I would have that issue even if DD wasn't involved.

I so hear you on this one. Honestly? I don't have a lot of drive anymore... but I have insane student loans, so I don't have much choice. I get jealous of people who don't have these kinds of loans, and have more options as to what they can do. No real point to this... just commiserating. 

coffeeandbooks

I also want to address the idea that having your extended family watch your baby is better than daycare scenario.

Here is an alternative scenario....I went home for Thanksgiving and had lots of extra hands to help.  I am right in the center of the old world family network.  This seemingly would make my life easier but here is what happened.

I don't believe in CIO so when my Aunt asked if she could rock the baby to sleep I said yes.  Except that she does believe in CIO and after a few minutes of rocking left him to cry.  My dad then came to the rescue.

My mom offers to watch LO while I run errands and I agree.  Except her idea of watching him is only to make sure that he stays alive.   She takes a very hard-line when it comes to self-entertaining and she essentially won't interact with LO at all.  She says she has better things to do than entertain a baby.  He can watch her talk on the phone and that is that.

Anyway, I love my family but they have such wildly different views on child rearing that I found  that all the extra hands didn't really help me....so right now I am happier with hired care.

smg2302

I so agree.  Too many cooks in the kitchen can be a bad thing.  I send DD to an in-home daycare with the most amazing woman who is on the same page as I am.  That said, it's still not me.

emmy236

@misslaurats I definitely understand how that can be overwhelming, but like finding any care giver, you have to find the right fit. My mom (minus her jealous freak out this past weekend) is a great care giver. She isn't me and she obviously can't read my mind about how exactly I want everything done. She gives R 100% of her attention and that's all that really matters when you boil it down. If I did not feel she was the right choice I'd would have no hesitation to look elsewhere. Every situation is different. My point was simply the whole "it takes a village to raise a baby" approach is gone.

JoJo716

@allisono78 I also feel like I have no drive. I am doing something that 7 months ago I would have loved and now I just feel meh about it. I would rather be home with ds. When I try to think about what career field I might have a passion for, nothing really comes to mind. I am wondering if this is a phase and if it will pass.

TheyCalledHerKate

I am highly annoyed at the "strangers watching your baby" comment, but okay. If you don't get to know your daycare teachers then that is your problem as a parent. Yes, they are strangers at first but so are other friends that you meet in life that you get to know over time. I spend extra time at drop off and pickup with my baby's teachers so I can get to know them better and we don't just talk about my baby I ask about their lives too. Working moms don't need to feel the additional guilt that their babies are initially with "strangers." Your baby is loved and cared for that is all that matters and if you care about your child then you will care to get to know the people that care for your child while you are at work

jedimindtrick

I also don't feel tons of guilt and do still enjoy my job. But I'm home by 2:45. If I was working til 5, I would feel just as @2010bride2be described. LO is also home with DH most of the day and MIL a few hrs 3 days a week, so that's wonderful. I love my munchkin more than anything, but working with my students is refreshing and rewarding too.

MOMama987

TheyCalledHerKate said:

I am highly annoyed at the "strangers watching your baby" comment, but okay. If you don't get to know your daycare teachers then that is your problem as a parent. Yes, they are strangers at first but so are other friends that you meet in life that you get to know over time. I spend extra time at drop off and pickup with my baby's teachers so I can get to know them better and we don't just talk about my baby I ask about their lives too. Working moms don't need to feel the additional guilt that their babies are initially with "strangers." Your baby is loved and cared for that is all that matters and if you care about your child then you will care to get to know the people that care for your child while you are at work

Seriously. Um... sorry. we don't all have the option of having family watch our kids. My parents and my ILs all live about 1500 miles away. And not to incite a mommy war because I hate that bs, but I actually prefer that my LO is in daycare.

emmy236

Ok no need to get worked up. My comment wasn't calling out anyone's choices or situation. OP posted an article and asked what we thought of the sociological questions it posed. I answered it as I would have back in sociology/anthropology classes back in college. I simply said women now may be having guilt for working and leaving their LOs because we lostthat sense of community and familial support older generations utilized and depended on. The notion of "day care" is rather new in comparison to the hunter/gatherer example the article's author used. I said I can relate to that because I felt guilt when I thought I was going to have to send R to day care because I live hundreds of miles from even the nearest family. That guilt was lifted slightly when my parents decided to spend their winter here and help. That was it. No bragging, no being Judgey McJudgey pants over here. Again, I'm really thankful for those ladies who have such positive stories to share of their LOs in day care because R will be going there very soon and it's comforting to know it will be something very beneficial to him.

PumpkinAndThePeanut

My mom quit her job, drives 4 hours to our house every Sunday night, stays with us all week, and drives 5 hours (with traffic) back home every Friday evening, just so she can watch the girls while we work. She begged us to let her do it. We pay her almost what we would pay daycare but a ton of the money is for her health insurance. I feel very fortunate to have her do this for us and agree somewhat with @emmy236 in the "it takes a village" thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with daycare, but no one (besides DH and I) loves my girls more than my mom does. There's no one I trust more with them, and knowing that they are building a relationship with their grandma (something I never had) while I work really alleviates my guilt about working.

Definitely not saying one is better than the other, just saying that I'm extraordinarily lucky to have my mom and for us, having her watch the girls is by far the best option.

sundaesprinkles

@Pumpkinandthepeanut That's really awesome that your mom was willing to do that. It sounds like a great arrangement for both of you!

TheyCalledHerKate

beaubecca said:

TheyCalledHerKate said:

I am highly annoyed at the "strangers watching your baby" comment, but okay. If you don't get to know your daycare teachers then that is your problem as a parent. Yes, they are strangers at first but so are other friends that you meet in life that you get to know over time. I spend extra time at drop off and pickup with my baby's teachers so I can get to know them better and we don't just talk about my baby I ask about their lives too. Working moms don't need to feel the additional guilt that their babies are initially with "strangers." Your baby is loved and cared for that is all that matters and if you care about your child then you will care to get to know the people that care for your child while you are at work

Seriously. Um... sorry. we don't all have the option of having family watch our kids. My parents and my ILs all live about 1500 miles away. And not to incite a mommy war because I hate that bs, but I actually prefer that my LO is in daycare.

And I don't understand how none of these family members work. My mom works, my dad works, my MIL and FIL work, my sisters work, aunts, uncles, cousins? Yep they all work.

My in laws watch our daughter once per week and they are retired (and my MILK was a SAHM). My mom works but she lives in Canada. She is a pediatric nurse and if we lived in Canada she told me she would do her shifts so she could help a lot with the baby.

Right now our baby is in daycare three days a week because she is with my in laws (in our home) every Thursday and they love that time with her and my H works from home every Friday and is home with her so that feels like a good balance for us right now.

I am also surprised by the number of people who have family members who can watch their children fulltime! But I also like the socialization of daycare and I like that there are no TV's at daycare. We had to ask my FIL to watch TV in another room if he wanted to because we didn't want her having screen time so young, even if it was on in the background it attacts their attention. Plus, my in laws are older and it would be way too much for them to watch her full time. 

jayro10

AllisonO78 said:

smg2302 said:

@mslaurats In a sane state, I normally agree.  Coupled with going back to work, I am still overly emotional about things.  I am in this "phase" as my mom calls it where I am trying to be perfect mom, so when I find out I'm not doing something someone else is, it sets me off.  I recognize the value of my job, but I get jealous of friends who can afford to stay home, when we have the same levels of education, drive, etc. but my husband and I work in a lower paying field and have to work twice as hard.  I think I would have that issue even if DD wasn't involved.

I so hear you on this one. Honestly? I don't have a lot of drive anymore... but I have insane student loans, so I don't have much choice. I get jealous of people who don't have these kinds of loans, and have more options as to what they can do. No real point to this... just commiserating. 

Exactly this. I hate Sallie Mae.

surpriseaddition

Like @NJAZgirl, I'm a teacher (fourth grade) and although I miss LO terribly when I'm at work, I really get gratification working with my students. For those with kids in daycare....daycare teachers are the same! If they didn't enjoy their job, and truly cared for the children in their care, they wouldn't stay working in that field. Of course, there are bad apples in any profession, but most teachers love the kids they care for. My motto is "I treat my students the way I want my own children treated" and I know others feel the same.

nbatchen

I am lucky enough to be able to stay at home with this baby. But I had to work full time with my first from the time he was 6 weeks til he turned 12. No one should ever have mommy guilt. You are working to provide for your family. I was lucky enough that the first few years my mom and grandma could watch him. But then he went in to daycare. It was great! If you get to know the caregivers it becomes like taking them to family. I never felt guilty leaving him because I knew he was having fun and they cared about his well being as much as I did! And though I can stay at home if I had to put LO in daycare right now I would not feel guilty about it!

john5111

I dont feel guilty at all. I need to get out of the house and have some interaction with others while providing for my family. I also feel it is very important for my Lo to have interaction with other people and other kids.  I have seen first hand where some kids are afraid of everyone but their parents etc or dont know how to play with others etc.  Just my opinion!

bhjones1980

My SIL is our daycare provider, she doesn't work since she is a SAHM for her three little boys (ages 6, 4 and 2).

me and DH have talked about moving him to a DC center when he is a little older, since honestly having family watch him is definitely a double edged sword.  Sure I know she has his best interests in mind (since he is her nephew and she loves him), but she has her own opinions on how to raise him which bleed into and can cause strain on our personal relationship, she is not licensed, and her time is split up between all four children.

coffeeandbooks

@bhjones1980 -
yep, I have heard of this happening a lot...you start with family but then go to daycare...cause things just start to get a sticky with the fam. 

snowgirl427

I like my job but would much rather be a SAHM. It's not about guilt though. I have an amazing situation. My mom watches him full time (she was a SAHM). She says what I say goes since I'm his mom and she truly follows that. During his awake time she is engaged with him doing music, playing, etc. I wfh and am able to nurse him and have lunch with him.

I'm grateful that she watches LO but wether it's her or daycare, I still wish it was me with him.