I need help so much

VedaFlash

My teenage daughter suddenly wants to live with her dad full time. Everything has been joint 50/50.  We never had a CO.  I'm completely against it and think it should stay 50/50.  This may end up a custody battle and I'm just completely lost...  Sorry for lack of details other than that, but I'm trying to stay anonymous.  Help?

CurlyQ284

I think its fairly normal for teens to say this when they're moody and not getting their way. Did she give you any reasons why?

twister22

How old is she?

How long has she been asking this?

What are her seasons for asking this?

Despite no CO, you guys have a precedence of 50/50 for awhile, right? 10+ years? I would think it would take some extenuating circumstances to change things now, although since you have no CO a judge could really do anything. Do you have a lawyer? If not I suggest getting one asap.

Bebelove0947

I wouldn't get a lawyer right away. I think that's over kill. Sit down with her and your ex altogether and talk about this. If she's a teenager she has a say in where she lives. Getting a lawyer and going to court before really talking to her and your ex I think will only make things worse and push her away. Try working something out where she will spend more time over there and say in 3 months or so that the 3 of you together will revisit this issue. It's hard to not take this personally but try not to. My little sister went to live with our dad full time at one point and it didn't last long. Teenage girls aren't very rational. I'm just saying maybe if you give her some time and let her give it a try she will want to go back to the way things are now. And you'll be the good guy that let her figure it out on her own.

MrsHetzel

What PP said. Grass is always greener and almost every teen I know wants to change their living arrangements at some point and gets over it pretty quickly.

VedaFlash

Pretty much likes it better there and I can't say I blame her, they have nicer things, more money, different rules... see where I'm getting at?  NO chance in getting a lawyer at the time but maybe I should look into a free legal service...  I tell her she calls her own shots at 18 but not until then.  I fear if I give in, things will get worse, as far as our relationship.  I feel that would be giving her up and I can't.  She is not being abused or neglected at our house!  Things were different to start out, I was raising her mostly myself and things have gradually worked to 50/50.  I would say the 50/50 has only been less than five years.  I'm taking this completely personal and her dad is pretty much agreeing to it...  We are having a meeting to discuss everything but I really think it's going to end up legal matter.  Never thought this would be happening but thanks for input.  

ambrvan

Ugh, the more I hear the teenage years, the more I want to find me a Dolarian time machine and either skip them or go back when it's our turn. Yikes.

dmndsr4eva

How old is your daughter.    If she lived with her dad full time has she given any indication of when she would see or spend time with you?  Does she drive?  I'm sorry you're going through this.  Even if you take it to court it could take 6-12 months and a lot of money and in the end your daughter might be mad at you and you might push her further away.  I don't know.  It's a hard one.  Maybe just try mediation first?

dmndsr4eva

In my experience I agree teens change their minds.  My FI's daughter was fighting with her mom and moved in with him the day she turned 18 but within about 7 months she was spending every weekend staying at her mom's house.  They made up and she is over there all the time now.  Though part of the reason is because her brother still lives with his mom but I don't think that is the only reason.

Littlejen22

Ambrvan I am impressed you could even make that joke!

Mkherren12

I lived with my mom and only saw my dad for 2 weeks in the summer and a few holidays. When I was 13 my lol was going through some drama with my stepdad and my dad asked if I wanted him to come get me. I said yes. I think I broke my mother heart although she never said anything. I don't regret my decision. I went from an unstable sometimes volatile house to and extremely stable and peaceful house. I love my mom and we still have a great relationship to this day but I know that I would not be the same person had I not left.

This is not to say that anything like this is going on at your house. I agree with the pp'S that teen change there mind on a regular basis. Talk. Listen. Maybe put a trail period in say if she feels this way in 3 months then we try it out for 3 months. And if she likes it and wants to stay then maybe you meet again 6months from then to make sure she still hasn't changed her mind. You need to talk with her individually and so does her dad. And I think you and her dad need to talk then the 3 of you together.

VedaFlash

Well at this point I have the option to deal with it or go to court.  I feel defeated and helpless but I think going to court would just make things worse.  I hate this.  I have talked with her and her dad.  Not sure it did much good.  I guess all I can do is keep in contact with her.  I feel this is so wrong but what do I do...

Wahoo

I would tell your ex and your DD that you refuse to give 50/50 and if they want a fight, they can have it.  Really, "dad's house is bigger, and he let's me stay up until 1 pm" isn't going to sway a judge, and it's not a good enough reason.  Better school, she doesn't get along with your SO - those are reasons to think about a change.  

Maybe you can think of a compromise - she spends more weekends with ex and more school days with you? 

Let your ex take you to court.  You can file the paperwork on your own and hire representation later.  Start documenting how you were the primary caregiver for years. 

Note to the prior post with no CO, this is why you get one........

ambrvan

Littlejen22 said:

Ambrvan I am impressed you could even make that joke!

Because of my age? Yeah I guess those movies really are that old now, huh? But are you kidding? I own all three of them on DVD and have made my kids watch the first one. They will not be forgotten!

As a side note, I was at Cracker Barrel a couple years ago in Memphis, and there was a Dolorian time machine in the parking lot. I'll have to find the picture. I know I've got it somewhere. Seriously, someone had totally made a replica of the time machine.

VedaFlash

I tried talking to her about a compromise.  That got nowhere fast.  This has already started without my permission and I can't do anything except if I want it stopped, it WILL be a court battle.  I just figured since she is 15, judge would consider her opinion in the matter.  The relationship between us is forever changed now because of this.  I think she should not be the one to call the shots but everyone seems to have blinders on.  I feel like even going to court would make everything worse...  like everyone would be pulling out whatever they can to fight about.  Her father and I have always been able to co-parent and this came from left field.  I feel that she would resent me even more if this went to court.  They have said this won't be permanent but I wonder without any CO, how can I be sure?  This is so dumb and I never thought this would be happening in the first place.  Most have said maybe it's just what she needs and when (if) she realizes it's not right, things will be back to how they were. I'm just not sure.

Topping this off, everything sucks.  We are going thru the shittiest luck with life in general.  We are also trying to decide between a bankruptcy or continued wage garnish, dealing with MRSA, our other kids, etc.  Thank you for your help but I still am struggling with what I should do.  The anxiety is great, the sadness is immense.  

Sigir

She'll never forget how easily you gave her up without a fight. This is how she'll see it if you don't go to court. No matter how overwhelming life seems right now, you have to fight for her.

hopanka

First of all, dont say your relationship with her will FOREVER be changed by this. You guys will likely be in a much better place in 10, 15 years. Most kids hate their mom at 15yo. I did. Now, im shaking with excitement because my mom is coming day after tomorrow to spend Christmas with us. This too shall pass, dont lose sight. secondly, dont look at this as s tragedy. Lots of kids get closer to dads when they reach teen years. It is a natural process of growing, I remember reading a child development book on that. Especially girls learn their value from a close, healthy relationship with their dad during teen years. Dont worry, they run back to mom later in adulthood. I think this may potentially be a good thing for you guys. Dont forgo a regular visitation, though. Insist on staying connected with school stuff, extracurriculars, go to her every softball game, etc. Insist on regular weekend visitation...or whatever will end beibg the best schedule. However, unlike PP'S, I think this might be a good thing in the long run. The late Paul Walker comes to mind. His daughter came to live with him at 15, and it seemed like it was working well for everyone. I also know of a few other families in my personal life, where the child moved in with dad during teen years and it ended up beibg a great thing for everyone. And no, the teen did not end up resenting the other parent because they didnt plunge into a court war over it. When its done peacefully with a level headed approach, your bond with your daughter may actually strenghten in the long run.

SueBear

I am saying this gently, and as someone who has had financial setbacks of her own this past year...

I don't know your entire backstory, but just reading the info you have provided in this post, If you are considering bankruptcy, then your house is probably a very stressful, tense place.  If you simply made less money then her dad, I could see it being about "the bigger room, more luxuries...(superficial)" - but if you are considering bankruptcy, I am guessing that your home is stressful and chaotic.  Add the health issues - and your house might not be a great place for her. 

Your daughter might realize that leaving your home is what she needs right now.  Is it time to admit that you might not have what it takes to focus on her right now, and her dad can provide her with a healthy, stable environment?

VedaFlash

I see what you're trying to say SueBear and it has been indeed a very stressful time for longer than I would like to admit.  Times are tough, life is often overwhelming...  But I think I should at least get to have one day a week where she comes to stay.  I also don't know what it's like having two parents.  I know what you mean as well hopanka...  I don't want this to be some big negative thing.  And if maybe I can try to get one day a week and try this out for a period, maybe things will go ok.  And if not, then maybe we will have to go to court.  At least then I can say that I tried this!  I don't want to just throw my hands up and wave a white flag.  She is my baby!  We were always so close.  Maybe she just needs to be close with her dad for a bit now.  The biggest battle is in my head!!!  I probably should be seeking therapy!  

All of you are so amazingly helpful in this.  I can't talk to many people about it because not many know what's going on and I just cry when I talk about it.  You guys are a group of blended families so you know about this stuff.  Thank you so much for your advice.  Keep it coming if you got something to say.  You guys give me an opinion based on what I am putting out here and not being in the situation where emotions are running wild and crazy.  

SueBear

Another thought, when you had 100% custody, did you collect child support?  If not, then I would tell your ex that if he fights you, you will go after him for back child support.  Even if you are 50/50 in some places you can collect support to even out the financial situation in both homes.  That might actually help your financial situation, and help provide more stability to DD when she is with you.

Just something to think about. 

emme022

Does she have siblings at her father's house or would she be the only child living there?  I know from previous posts you had some issues with one of your step sons being mean lashing out etc at his siblings and some issues with violence when he tried to choke his brother.  Maybe it's all gotten to be a little much for her so she thinks her father's house will be a quieter environment and give her a break.  I agree you should obviously still have some time with her each week but maybe she just needs a little distance for awhile.

jess9802

Something about this just rubs me the wrong way.

This is not about you. The standard is what is in your CHILD's best interest. A fifteen year old isn't mature enough to have the final say on that question, but in many states and in many situations, what she desires will be given some consideration by a judge.

That being said, as her mother it's your responsibility to honestly assess her life and decide whether your current custody arrangement makes sense. You and your husband are going through bankruptcy, so there's financial stress. From your other posts, you have some very angry, aggressive children living in the house, too. Is this REALLY the situation that will be in her best interest, and allow her to thrive? Is there something going on with her stepsiblings that maybe you're not privy to? I mean, one of them choked his brother - are you sure your daughter's not being abused by this kid?

My SS's mother decided earlier this year that her life was too chaotic and unsettled and that would be in my SS's best interest for him to move in with us. This was not what she wanted, and honestly, not what SS had wanted, since he'd originally said he wanted to stay with her primarily. Whatever issues I have with his mother, I greatly respected her maturity in making a really hard choice, because she was thinking of what was in her child's best interest, and not what she wanted.

VedaFlash

This is the conflict!  I honestly can understand why she wants to do this but at the same time it's as if suddenly I have no say in the matter!  I am her mother and don't feel like I should be asking her to come over for visits.  She is not in charge and doesn't call the shots, but suddenly she does and everyone is ok with that?  I do want what's best for her but should I just say ok now you're in charge hunny.  I can't even get her to come stay the night because she doesn't want to.  I know this is about her best interests but I can't even enforce my rights as her mother for visitation?!  What kind of standard is this setting?  This is really only the beginning of the teenage years and later down the line will she think she can do whatever she wants?  Maybe I am jumping to conclusions here but I feel she is kind of pulling wool over on some people.  

I have problems, yes.  I have to admit there have been problems in the home life and we are actively working on all those issues. But, if the situation were reversed I would not be ok with her just suddenly not at least having one freaking day a week at her dad's...  I might be a little more willing to bend here if I weren't just plowed out like I'm nothing.  I'm really struggling with this but I'm trying really hard to be open to all possibilities.  I feel like I should just let it be for a period of maybe a month? and then revisit a compromise.  Then if I still get nothing, there will be court.  I don't want to go that route so much so I really want to try working this out with her and her dad.    

SueBear

Maybe you should suggest visits outside of your home?  

I really think that one reason that everyone seems to be  "ok" with this is that your home life is such a mess, including aggession by one of the kids living there, that they see it for what it is - a choice for her own well-being, rather than just the whims of a teen.

I would have never have guessed from your initial posts that your home life is such a mess.  You acted as if she just was a spoiled kid who wanted a bigger room.  No mention of the financial strain, violence, illness.  I'm not sure if you are in denial or what.  Your DD should not have the job of being a comfort to you when you can't control your own home. 

I am also wondering if she has a little anger at you for allowing your life (I'm guessing with your SO)? to get so out of hand, and maybe sees you putting your SO in front of her.   

Nineoceans

VF I hear what you're saying and you sound very justified. Have you thought about saying this to your ex, your concerns that as a child she is making all parental lifestyle decisions?

The way you first came off I didn't have a ton of sympathy because you took this stance of "I don't allow it because it hurts me" when you started talking about how it will impact her to feel she can make these decisions and essentially cut off half her family (you and her siblings and stepfather) then I empathized with your point more.

Good luck speaking with your ex, I hope he can support you and you can make a parenting decision together that will be best for your daughter.

ambrvan

You're right about her not calling the shots. But if you and BD have always had a decent co parenting relationship before, do you really think that you two cannot resolve this now if you calm down and push your butthurt aside?

Take my advice (more anecdotal than advisory) with a grain of salt since I have no teenagers, but I do know what a few parents of my own friends did when they met similar situations and had no previously standing CO. Remember I am young so it wasn't that long ago that I was in high school and had friends with divorced parents and 50/50 custody based on mutual agreement rather than a CO set in stone.

Most of them were able to come to an agreement on their own without involving the court about the child changing primary residence and certain days or times that child would visit/eat dinner with other parent along with additional visitation upon mutual agreement. They drew up their own contract and had it notarized. Both parents maintained joint legal and physical (technically) as before but acknowledged a change of circumstances by doing this. This meant that they were acknowledging that the child would visit X most of the time but for sure visit Y at a, b, & c times with the option to visit more often instead of filtering the precedent pattern set in the past.

I don't think this would be enforced in court though it might have some bearing if ever brought up in a later court proceedings, but I know it worked for at least three separate families I can think of. One of the families that did this was my best friend's. Both her and her older sister have wonderful relationships with both parents now and they loved this. They say it made them feel listened to and never made them feel like they had to choose. My friend said the one thing she can say her parents did right together was that she never felt like she was torn in two, she was always free to go to whichever home she wanted for as long as she wanted, and sometimes that is what she needed.

VedaFlash

I've scheduled a consultation with a lawyer just to be safe since I know he has one and is trying to get a custody order in place. Also scheduled time yo talk with him to hopefully get to an agreement. As I said we are working on all the other issues within our home. I am taking responsibility for what I feel are my faults, which may or may not have been factors in all this. I really hope that we can get this worked out without going to court but I'm so unsure.
There is always more than what I've given. I can't be sure her SM reads this. But I also feel part of this is DD mad at me for catching her in a lie and playing the parents shortly before all this.

JessO91

My (step)son moved in with his BM full time back in September after living with my husband and I for almost a year without seeing her. He had only begun to reconnect with her (after she had kicked him out of her house at 3am a year ago in August) last May/June or so. He was 13 when he moved back in with her, dealing with some rebellious behaviors and hanging around kids that were into some really harmful and unlawful behaviors. His dad and I always require check-ins when he is with friends and began only allowing him to go out with friends we knew were not involved in these behaviors, but his mother was letting him do whatever he wanted with no supervision or monitoring of any kind when he would go to her house. Long story (somewhat) short, he moved in with her due to a loophole in our custody agreement so that he could do whatever he wanted. Now, he's involved with drugs, is failing most of his classes, his BM lets his girlfriend sleep over (!), lets his male friends sleep in his sisters' room at night when there is not room in the other bedroom........bad situation, and we, so far, have been unable to force a custody review to mandate him to come back to a healthier environment. So, in response to your post, be careful with custody changes. If I were you, and she felt that strongly about seeing her dad more, and he's a good dad, let her have a few extra days here and there with him, but avoid giving up placement with her. Obviously, our situations are different, but teenagers go back and forth all the time about what they want, and if they don't build the skills to deal with not getting along with one of you, it's going to be difficult for other conflict resolution in their lives. Just my opinion! Sorry for the vent of my own!

VedaFlash

Well reading your vent prompted me to update on all this.  I'm sorry you are dealing with such a tough situation.  Some people don't realize when there aren't any boundaries set, things get way out of hand.    

We have changed the schedule to allow for more time with her dad and also there is not as much back and forth.  So she is there pretty much 5 days and here the others.  Things are little better...  One step at a time really. This is still hard as some of you can agree when you share your child(ren) with an ex.  Giving her and dad more time makes me sad but I know it's the right thing to do for now anyways.  I still have time with her and things are still getting worked out.  Our finances we are still working on, it's a process.  Our health problems are over, and some loads have been lifted.  We (as a family) have set goals to communicate better with each other and everyone in our lives.  But, yeah, teenagers are tough.  Tougher than toddlers.   

I want to keep thanking you all for everything because I don't know how I would have handled this all had I not been able to come here.  Sometimes things need to be said that close friends and family simply can't or won't say.  Hooray for a group of internet strangers who all share something in common, a blended family.  I would make you all some cookies if it were possible to shove them into my screen for you to share!   And so the journey continues!