Blended Families
VedaFlash
member
I need help so much
VedaFlash
member
My teenage daughter suddenly wants to live with her dad full time. Everything has been joint 50/50. We never had a CO. I'm completely against it and think it should stay 50/50. This may end up a custody battle and I'm just completely lost... Sorry for lack of details other than that, but I'm trying to stay anonymous. Help?
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Re: I need help so much
This is not to say that anything like this is going on at your house. I agree with the pp'S that teen change there mind on a regular basis. Talk. Listen. Maybe put a trail period in say if she feels this way in 3 months then we try it out for 3 months. And if she likes it and wants to stay then maybe you meet again 6months from then to make sure she still hasn't changed her mind. You need to talk with her individually and so does her dad. And I think you and her dad need to talk then the 3 of you together.
I would tell your ex and your DD that you refuse to give 50/50 and if they want a fight, they can have it. Really, "dad's house is bigger, and he let's me stay up until 1 pm" isn't going to sway a judge, and it's not a good enough reason. Better school, she doesn't get along with your SO - those are reasons to think about a change.
Maybe you can think of a compromise - she spends more weekends with ex and more school days with you?
Let your ex take you to court. You can file the paperwork on your own and hire representation later. Start documenting how you were the primary caregiver for years.
Note to the prior post with no CO, this is why you get one........
As a side note, I was at Cracker Barrel a couple years ago in Memphis, and there was a Dolorian time machine in the parking lot. I'll have to find the picture. I know I've got it somewhere. Seriously, someone had totally made a replica of the time machine.
I am saying this gently, and as someone who has had financial setbacks of her own this past year...
I don't know your entire backstory, but just reading the info you have provided in this post, If you are considering bankruptcy, then your house is probably a very stressful, tense place. If you simply made less money then her dad, I could see it being about "the bigger room, more luxuries...(superficial)" - but if you are considering bankruptcy, I am guessing that your home is stressful and chaotic. Add the health issues - and your house might not be a great place for her.
Your daughter might realize that leaving your home is what she needs right now. Is it time to admit that you might not have what it takes to focus on her right now, and her dad can provide her with a healthy, stable environment?
Another thought, when you had 100% custody, did you collect child support? If not, then I would tell your ex that if he fights you, you will go after him for back child support. Even if you are 50/50 in some places you can collect support to even out the financial situation in both homes. That might actually help your financial situation, and help provide more stability to DD when she is with you.
Just something to think about.
This is not about you. The standard is what is in your CHILD's best interest. A fifteen year old isn't mature enough to have the final say on that question, but in many states and in many situations, what she desires will be given some consideration by a judge.
That being said, as her mother it's your responsibility to honestly assess her life and decide whether your current custody arrangement makes sense. You and your husband are going through bankruptcy, so there's financial stress. From your other posts, you have some very angry, aggressive children living in the house, too. Is this REALLY the situation that will be in her best interest, and allow her to thrive? Is there something going on with her stepsiblings that maybe you're not privy to? I mean, one of them choked his brother - are you sure your daughter's not being abused by this kid?
My SS's mother decided earlier this year that her life was too chaotic and unsettled and that would be in my SS's best interest for him to move in with us. This was not what she wanted, and honestly, not what SS had wanted, since he'd originally said he wanted to stay with her primarily. Whatever issues I have with his mother, I greatly respected her maturity in making a really hard choice, because she was thinking of what was in her child's best interest, and not what she wanted.
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Maybe you should suggest visits outside of your home?
I really think that one reason that everyone seems to be "ok" with this is that your home life is such a mess, including aggession by one of the kids living there, that they see it for what it is - a choice for her own well-being, rather than just the whims of a teen.
I would have never have guessed from your initial posts that your home life is such a mess. You acted as if she just was a spoiled kid who wanted a bigger room. No mention of the financial strain, violence, illness. I'm not sure if you are in denial or what. Your DD should not have the job of being a comfort to you when you can't control your own home.
I am also wondering if she has a little anger at you for allowing your life (I'm guessing with your SO)? to get so out of hand, and maybe sees you putting your SO in front of her.
The way you first came off I didn't have a ton of sympathy because you took this stance of "I don't allow it because it hurts me" when you started talking about how it will impact her to feel she can make these decisions and essentially cut off half her family (you and her siblings and stepfather) then I empathized with your point more.
Good luck speaking with your ex, I hope he can support you and you can make a parenting decision together that will be best for your daughter.
Take my advice (more anecdotal than advisory) with a grain of salt since I have no teenagers, but I do know what a few parents of my own friends did when they met similar situations and had no previously standing CO. Remember I am young so it wasn't that long ago that I was in high school and had friends with divorced parents and 50/50 custody based on mutual agreement rather than a CO set in stone.
Most of them were able to come to an agreement on their own without involving the court about the child changing primary residence and certain days or times that child would visit/eat dinner with other parent along with additional visitation upon mutual agreement. They drew up their own contract and had it notarized. Both parents maintained joint legal and physical (technically) as before but acknowledged a change of circumstances by doing this. This meant that they were acknowledging that the child would visit X most of the time but for sure visit Y at a, b, & c times with the option to visit more often instead of filtering the precedent pattern set in the past.
I don't think this would be enforced in court though it might have some bearing if ever brought up in a later court proceedings, but I know it worked for at least three separate families I can think of. One of the families that did this was my best friend's. Both her and her older sister have wonderful relationships with both parents now and they loved this. They say it made them feel listened to and never made them feel like they had to choose. My friend said the one thing she can say her parents did right together was that she never felt like she was torn in two, she was always free to go to whichever home she wanted for as long as she wanted, and sometimes that is what she needed.
There is always more than what I've given. I can't be sure her SM reads this. But I also feel part of this is DD mad at me for catching her in a lie and playing the parents shortly before all this.