Bedsharing questions

AlexisLA

So, I have been sleeping with DD since she was born. I love being close to her and the ease of breastfeeding, etc. But, she is such a light sleeper and still wakes up sometimes every hour and needs to be nursed back to sleep. By the time I fall asleep again, she is up again. I try to give her the paci sometimes or put my hands on her to help her get back to sleep but she only starts to cry if she doesn't get the breast. DH doesn't sleep with us because she wakes up so easily. We go to bed around 8 because she gets really tired around that time. She will not sleep anywhere else for more than 45 minutes.

What I don't like is not having any evening time to myself or to spend with DH and other adults. I don't get much day time to myself either because she only takes short naps and is generally a high needs baby. I also don't sleep well at all with all of this waking up and DH has to sleep on the couch.

I have posted here before and someone recommended the no-cry sleep solution which I read but the tips in there didn't work for us. We also tried the magic merlin sleep suit. I have tried putting her in her cosleeper but that only lasts 45 minutes at a time.

I have a few general questions:
- What time do you go to bed and do you go to bed with LO or join him/her later.?
- Does DH sleep with you?
- Where does LO nap during the day?
- When LO wakes in the middle of the night, do you always nurse to get him/her back to sleep or do other things as well?
- Do you have any ideas for us?
HELP! We need better sleep!!

=Lee=B

My daughter (9months) is in bed around 7-8pm (depending on last nap) and I go to bed around 11pm.  She usually starts the night off in her crib then moves to the bed with me.  If she is having a rough evening (teething etc she will start the night in the bed and I usually leave once she's asleep).

She takes most naps in her crib, but again if she's in rough shape (teething) then I'll just leave her to sleep on the bed in her room so I can come and go as she wakes.

My husband sleeps in the master bedroom still, he works and there is no point in all of us being woken every 2hrs.

I pretty much always nurse her back to sleep because she wakes every 2hrs on the dot.  If she wakes more frequently I give the soother and snuggle in closer, she passes back out.

I will point out that your little one is waking every 45min which is a very common sleep cycle timing.  So, odds are she needs to learn strategies to get herself back to sleep at that point.

My daughter used to be the same and I would go in and lie beside her until she feel back to sleep.  Keep the room dark and quiet and do not interact.  My daughter would seem WIDE awake super excited to see me and jumping up in down (while lying) but, within minutes would pass back out.

I just got a video monitor and have been watching her sleep and sure enough every 45min she still wakes, and looks around the room and stretches and just lies there wide awake then 5min later is passed out again.  I used to say she would "PING" awake at 45min...be out cold then PING wide awake ready to play...but it wasn't until I realized she would go back to sleep if we encouraged it that she started sleeping 2hr naps.

 

AlexisLA

=Lee=B said:

My daughter (9months) is in bed around 7-8pm (depending on last nap) and I go to bed around 11pm.  She usually starts the night off in her crib then moves to the bed with me.  If she is having a rough evening (teething etc she will start the night in the bed and I usually leave once she's asleep).

She takes most naps in her crib, but again if she's in rough shape (teething) then I'll just leave her to sleep on the bed in her room so I can come and go as she wakes.

My husband sleeps in the master bedroom still, he works and there is no point in all of us being woken every 2hrs.

I pretty much always nurse her back to sleep because she wakes every 2hrs on the dot.  If she wakes more frequently I give the soother and snuggle in closer, she passes back out.

I will point out that your little one is waking every 45min which is a very common sleep cycle timing.  So, odds are she needs to learn strategies to get herself back to sleep at that point.

My daughter used to be the same and I would go in and lie beside her until she feel back to sleep.  Keep the room dark and quiet and do not interact.  My daughter would seem WIDE awake super excited to see me and jumping up in down (while lying) but, within minutes would pass back out.

I just got a video monitor and have been watching her sleep and sure enough every 45min she still wakes, and looks around the room and stretches and just lies there wide awake then 5min later is passed out again.  I used to say she would "PING" awake at 45min...be out cold then PING wide awake ready to play...but it wasn't until I realized she would go back to sleep if we encouraged it that she started sleeping 2hr naps.

 

Thanks so much, very helpful.
Looking forward to more responses as well..

ReeceFamily

DD is 5 months older and still does the same thing some nights!  I go to bed with her around 7 or 8, nurse her to sleep, and then I usually have 2-3 hours to myself to read in bed, or DH climbs in with her and I go do my thing for a little while.

Then, depending on the night, after that initial 3-hour stretch, she wakes every 1 hour (a bad night) to every 4-5 hours (a good night) to nurse.  When she wakes at night she is pretty upset and cries if I don't latch her fairly quickly.  She'll even latch on to other body parts .  

I realize that a little gentle "sleep training" may be in order eventually (oh, how I hate that term), but I've decided to just stick with it and not really try to change anything for at least another few months.  

I have gone out a few times in the evenings (to my book club, etc.), and DH has successfully gotten her to sleep without the boob...so I know she can do it, but she just doesn't want to when she knows I'm around.  I'm okay with that for now.

Curious, though, to read other responses to your question.

ReeceFamily

This is always so comforting for me to read:

https://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/sleep/

musicalmama5

I put DS to bed (in his room on a mattress on the floor) around 7. He joins me in bed upon his first wake up that I'm already in bed for. If he wakes up before I'm in bed, I just go lie next to him and nurse him back to sleep. Some nights it's every hour until he's in bed with me. But since he's on a mattress on the floor, it's easy to slip in and slip out. 

DH does sleep with us. He's a pretty heavy sleeper though and isn't bothered by DS's wake-ups.

Naps are usually on his mattress in his room. If I'm not around to nurse him to sleep though, DH usually resorts to driving him around and letting him nap in his carseat.

When he wakes in the middle of the night, I immediately pop a boob in his mouth. This has been our MO for a while, and he's recently started unlatching himself when he's done and rolling over to fall asleep. So I see this as progress!

Good luck, mama!

Mrs.AmyDylan

My DD will be 1 on the 28th. We have had spurts of hell sleeping. The last one went from 5 or 6 mo until recently (and still somewhat ongoing).

Not sure if this answers your questions, but here is several things we have tried with various levels of success:

-Nursing down and moving her to the bassinet or crib (on a pad, so she doesn't feel the new sheets). Done after she has been asleep for 20min. Pretty good success, gives me between 1hr and 4hrs. 

-Bedtime at 7, no sleeping after 5. I'm not really a schedule person, but I noticed bedtime was a fight if done too late, or if she had fallen asleep in the early evening. good results

-We started doing a routine, diaper, sock, sleep sack, books, kisses from daddy, good night kisses from mommy, light out and nurse in family bed. Good results

-we swaddled when I wasn't in the bed with her until 6mo (one arm out once she could roll). 

-once she started rolling to sleep on her tummy by herself, I feel like she started sleeping better. She would unlatch and flip over and crash. I think she didn't sleep on her back as comfortably. However, I was too scared to put her on her tummy, she had to do it on her own. 

-DD really likes having something by her head. In the bassinet she would scoot until her head touched the top. In our bed, my arm. When I get out I put her favorite little hippo almost like he is sitting the top of her head. 

-we discovered she really loves having her hair stroked. It is the first thing I will try, before the boob to get her back down. It works sometimes. 

-there was one week where I was completely non-functional due to sleep deprivation (thanks top three teeth coming in all at once!). DH took her to the other room and held and rocked her for three hours each night from 9-midnight. This gave me enough of a recharge that I could function again. It wasn't long enough that she was starving. She cried a little bit, but slept. He was okay because it didn't make his sleep too messed up since he gets up at 7 for work. This only works if the room is dark and he doesn't play with her, just hold, rock and sssh. No use training baby that crying MOTN results in a playtime buddy! 

Good luck! I'm not going to promise that it will pass soon. DD still isn't sttn. Sigh. Hugs this is the part where most parents drop the kid in the crib to cry. Hearing DD cry makes me want to vomit. 

AlexisLA

Great tips, I'll try them, thanks!!

TiffanyBerry

I got a lot better sleep when I realized that, given how much my daughter woke in the night, if I had two hours between 8pm and 10pm to do whatever I wanted, the best thing for me to do would be to sleep.  So, no, I didn't get awake time to myself, but I got more sleep.  When I let go of wanting to be well rested AND have alone time both, and just take what I needed most, I was so much happier.  So, I went to bed with my daughter for a long time (like... 18mo?).  Totally the way to go for us!  Now that she is older, I lay with her for a while, then have some time to myself, then sleep in my bed (with DH, if he doesn't stay up late), then go to her bed when she wakes up and calls me.

The first year, we coslept with an attached cosleeper to our big bed.  Then we put a mattress on the floor next to our bed and DD and I slept down there while DH was in the big bed.  Then I'd start in the big bed and move when she woke in the night.  Then we moved her bed to her room (around 2.5yrs, iirc) and I slept in there with her - staying with her until she fell asleep and then coming back in when I went  to bed, and now she is still in her room, sometimes falls asleep on her own after I (or DH) has been with her for a while, then I come in when she wakes in the night and calls me.  DH continues to sleep in the big bed in our bedroom.

She naps where she sleeps - cosleeper, then matress on the floor in our room, then in her room.  Well, napped - she hasn't napped for a while now!

When she wakes in the night, I go to her, even now.  I wait to see if she's dreaming and just calling "mommy" in her dream, but it takes all of 30 seconds for me to figure this out.  DD was the sort of baby who would wake up every time she peed her diaper, so I'd change it in the middle of the night because she would go back to sleep faster that way.  She also LOVED nursing, and has never been a great self-soother, so I did also nurse her to sleep most times she woke up.  We did partial night weaning at 18months (or so), and were down to nursing once a night by the time she was... 2?  maybe a little older.  At 3, I was tired of MOTN nursing (though I knew that cutting it out wouldn't stop MOTN waking), so I cut that session as well.  She still wakes in the middle of the night from dreams or needing to pee (and wanting me to be with her on her little potty while she does), so I still go to her.  She goes back to sleep faster and we both get more over all sleep.

My biggest suggestion is to let go of any expectations you might have of what your LO should do or what you should be able to do.  Focus on what your NEEDS are.  Do you NEED a certain amount of alone time, and does it have to be at night?  Do you NEED more overall sleep?  Does your LO NEED you or can she self-soothe?  Every parent and child will have a unique answer, so I don't suggest that my approach would work best for you.  Heck, if we have a second, I'll bet it will be different in some way, or entirely.  But know that you can do whatever works best for your family as a whole.

youenjoymyself

What time do you go to bed and do you go to bed with LO or join him/her later.?

We usually lay down around 7:30.  I go to bed with her, which helps make sure I get enough sleep, too.  I don't get to spend much time alone with my husband (any, really), but I know this is only for a short time, in the grand scheme of things.  DD is 9 months old, and we've been bedsharing since she was 5 months.

Does DH sleep with you?

Normally yes, he'll come to bed when he's ready.  Unless he has a few beers or takes nighttime cold medicine or anything like that.  Then he sleeps in the guest room.

Where does LO nap during the day?

During the week, she naps (very poorly) at daycare, which is one reason we go to bed so early.  On the weekends, we nap together in bed.  She usually takes one two hour nap and one one hour nap a day with me. 

When LO wakes in the middle of the night, do you always nurse to get him/her back to sleep or do other things as well?

Always.  Sometimes she'll latch, sometimes she won't.  But I always offer it.

Do you have any ideas for us?

None, sorry.  I'm sort of in the same boat you are in, except my bub seems to be a little deeper of a sleeper than yours is.  Mine still wakes SEVERAL times a night, though (but I go to bed at 7:30, so I still get lots of sleep).

vvvvvfee

- What time do you go to bed and do you go to bed with LO or join him/her later?
DS is almost 16 months old. He has always been a bit of night owl. Usually he goes to sleep between 8:30 and 9:30. Either DH holds him and plays music until he falls asleep, or I nurse him to sleep in bed. If DH has him, he might hold onto him for a while so I can get ready for bed, or he puts him down in the bed alone and we keep an eye on him until we are ready to go to sleep. Most nights I am in bed with him by 10 or so, but I don't fall asleep for maybe another hour.
- Does DH sleep with you?
Yes, DS sleeps in between me and DH. When he was a tiny baby he slept between me and the co-sleeper, which acted as a barrier (and which we gave up using after about 6 weeks).
- Where does LO nap during the day?
If he's at daycare, he naps on one of those toddler cots. At home he either naps in his old infant car seat, in our bed, or in someone's arms. At Grandma's house he naps in a pappasan chair (the seat part is on the ground, off the base).
- When LO wakes in the middle of the night, do you always nurse to get him/her back to sleep or do other things as well?
DH usually tries to settle him first. Now that he is older, this often works, but if he is teething or sick or needy then I have to nurse him. Even though we bedshare/breastfeed, DH always had his own methods for getting DS to go to sleep (rocking, bouncing, singing/music, etc.) so I think that has served us well in that I don't always have to be the one to put him to sleep.
- Do you have any ideas for us?
Having your DH try to soothe her in the night might help, just because she wouldn't be expecting him to nurse her. Maybe he could try that on the weekends? Have you tried white noise to get her to sleep/keep her asleep/soothe her when she wakes up? What about wearing her in a sling or carrier for a couple of hours in the evening so you can do something else? Or having her sleep in her car seat or some other portable thing, then transferring her to the bed with you when you're ready?

I do sympathize-- DS sounds similar- kind of high needs, not a big napper, won't sleep by himself. I also wish our kid went to sleep on his own earlier so DS and I had more alone time. I'm just trying to ride it out until he's ready. I try to reassure myself by thinking about how what's really "normal" from an anthropological perspective is for babies to want to be close to their parents at night for safety and comfort.

kristinyoung111

What time do you go to bed and do you go to bed with LO or join him/her later?

I work a late shift, so I'm usually not coming home until about 10:30 pm. She tends to take a late nap and try to stay up until I get home. As soon as I get home, I take her to bed and feed her. I will stay with her at least half and hour and then leave the room. I will join her typically in two or three hours.

Does DH sleep with you?

Yes. We all share the bed (we have a California King). When our LO was really young, she would spend the night sleeping on my chest. As she got older, we just had her lying in the bed with us. We are very aware of where she is in the bed and we also don't move a whole lot at night. It makes breastfeeding so much easier, and we all get the best sleep this way.

Where does LO nap during the day?

When she is just with DH, she usually naps in her bassinet. When I am home, I will often snuggle with her in the bed.

When LO wakes in the middle of the night, do you always nurse to get him/her back to sleep or do other things as well?

She only seems to wake when she is actually hungry, not just when her current REM cycle ends. I always nurse her back to sleep.

Do you have any ideas for us?

Not really =[ I've heard that children grow out of that behavior but it can take a year or two. If it isn't working for you, you may want to try that sleep training. It sounds like the no cry solution takes patience but is not as stressful for you and your LO.

MayKay12

1. DD and DS go to bed at 9. They both still sleep with us/me. I will lay in the bed with them until they fall asleep which usually takes about 10 mins. Before I got pregnant with our third I would sneak out after that for alone/husband time. Right now though I am just going to bed with them.

2. DH starts off the night sleeping with us but moves to the guest bed. He snores loud and wakes up at 5, which started waking the kids up.

3. When they were really little they would nap in the bed or on me. Most of the time they would fall asleep with me holding them and I would move them to the bed. Now my DS just falls asleep on the couch when he gets tired.

4. With both kids I usually nursed them back to sleep. Around 18 months they both slowed down with night nursing and weaned themselves completely by 20 months. Night nursing is hard. My dd never took a paci so she made it extra difficult. It did come to an end though when they were ready.

5. My dd is now 4 and ds 2. Those first two years are the hardest but they do grow out if it. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted some me time. I kept telling myself it's only a few years of my life and that my children get huge benefits from it. I also know that these are some if the times I will really miss.

AlexisLA

Wow, thanks everyone. It's super helpful to hear about your situations. I would be happy with the situation if she would just sleep maybe 3 hours at a time. It's the 1 hour thing that's killing me. In terms of my real needs (which is a good question by the way) I really do need more sleep. I feel like I've been running on adrenaline only since she was born and I am burning out. As for not being able to hang out with my husband or others at night, I guess that is more of a want. But I do feel like having DH be able to join us in bed will turn into a need.. not have any close time with him at all I think is impacting our relationship negatively.