Special Needs

Strain on marriage

I'm writing this because I do not know where else to turn and it's my hope that someone else has dealt with this.
DH is NOT handling son's speech delay very well at all. He was in denial for a long time. He believes I completely opened a can of worms by calling the state for an evaluation. He was on board with it at the time but now 6 weeks later, he feels like everything was fine and we just needed to give him more time. He believes I "forced" him into getting our son the help he needs.  He is outraged at the cost of services which will be approx 800/month. He is very, VERY mad at me. He says I have stolen all of the joy out of being a father because now he feels like he needs to be a drill sergeant with my son at all times. 
I am at my wit's end. I love him very much but he just doesn't handle stress very well. I do not know how to help him. My only concern has been for my son and his well-being. Maybe I'm failing as a wife but I cannot manage his expectations/disappointment as well as my own. Any guidance on how to help him or me would be greatly appreciated. (p.s. I suggested we needed some counseling and he laughed at me and said "So let's spend more money on 'therapy' to have people tell us how we should be acting")

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Re: Strain on marriage

  • Thank you so much for the feedback. I love my husband very much and I know he would do anything for our son. He seems to implode under extreme stress. So, no, I do not think he's an ass all of the time. He doesn't know how to cope with stress. 

    Our son is 25months and is speech delayed due to chronic ear infections (19 back to back infections from 4months to 21months) He and his parents do not understand why I have been "pushing" the issue with his speech. Maybe it's because I am the one who drops off/picks up at daycare daily and sees the MAJOR differences between him and the 15 other children.

    Yes, I think we both have to adjust our expectations of the life we "want" vs the life we have. My son's delay is not so extreme that we shouldn't be able to cope.

    I live in NJ and EI cost share is based on a sliding scale. Our dual income puts us at the "full pay" cost share (where's the sharing there???) He will be getting two 1-hour sessions every week at $110/hr. It is unbelievable. I contacted two private speech therapists who said their rate was around $90/hour. 

    My insurance (aetna) does not cover speech therapy unless there's a traumatic brain injury. 

    I've looked into two different graduate programs for speech. Unfortunately, I don't know how in the world I would make it work with my work schedule.  I feel like EI was the best option. I just had NO idea how much it would cost.

    Did I mention I am 5months pregnant? The stress is only going to increase. I just don't know what to do.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2013
    I have been there with DH.

    DH would blame me from time to time for DS's special needs. It was not helping especially when MIL was around to also blame us for being bad parents. Both DH and MIL had so much negativity about everything. During this, I continued on to make sure DS had the therapies he needed. I had to do a lot of the leg work to make it to PT when DS was 1 alone.

    We had to cut MIL out of the picture recently because she was getting into our marriage and the negativity was too much for us. Then recently I had to get DH involved by getting him to take DS to his therapy appointments because I could not make it because I had to work and DH was not working. Then I got DH involved in the 3rd evaluation we had to do for DS. Now I am trying to bridge the gap so DH can communicate with our ABA therapist to involve him more.

    All of this took time to get DH on board. It looks like the past 3 years to get to a teamwork position to advocate for DS.

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  • Finding out something is wrong with your child can be a very difficult period. It sounds like he's in the midst of denial and anger. Can you have him come to a doctors appointment or therapy session so he can voice his concerns? Do you do a lot in the community? Having dh witness typically developing kids helped dh get a grasp on DDs differences.
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  • I honestly think this is kind of typical.  Perhaps not the misdirected anger, but the being slow to accept the reality and coming on board with what needs to or can be done to help secure a better outcome for your child.

    My husband has always followed my lead when it comes to our children's delays, mostly because he doesn't have much experience with typical children's development, so he doesn't always know what's concerning.  He also has been a bit slower to recognize when something's a problem versus an eccentricity.  For example, with J, he knows something's not quite right, and that there is likely a processing issue, but he's convinced it's not autism.  It might not be, but I'm at least willing to consider that it might.

    We recently got to a point where he was angry because I brought up something with the schools that he warned against sharing, and it has blown up into a huge issue.  I never would have shared the information if he told me he didn't want me to, but although he wouldn't have done it himself, he said it was fine if I did.  Now we are in a deep battle with the school district, and we both know it was a mistake to share.  It took some time for him to get passed his feelings that it was all my fault, but he realizes that we're both doing the best we can, we're in this together, and no mater how we got here, we are in the situation we are no matter what, so we just have to keep moving forward together as a team.

    The best advice I can give you is to try to frame it like that for your husband.  You are sorry that your son has this speech delay, but you think it's important to know and address, because by treating it early, you'll see the best progress and outcomes.  Many children with speech delays see dramatic improvements with proper early treatment.  Now that you know the situation you and your husband can conquer it, as a team.

    As for always being vigilant about a speech issue at home, I might be in the minority, but I let J get away with a lot at home because I don't want ever want him to stop trying to communicate because it's too hard or he thinks it's not worth the trouble or he makes too many mistakes.  Now that he's been getting more that a year of speech, I have started making sure he slows down when talking at home, and that has made the biggest difference.  I'll sometimes make him work on a few things he's working on at speech, throw in a few things here and there to make it more consistent, but I in no way make it cumbersome for him to talk with us.  That would be the worst thing I could imagine!

    Has your husband ever gone to a speech session with you , discussed your son's delay with the therapist, or reviewed a report of his speech evaluation?  If not, these things might make it easier to understand the nature of the problem and how therapy could help.

    I wish you luck, and hope that time makes your husband more receptive, as it tends to heal most things.
  • I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is SO angry but the anger is directed at me.
    He truly doesn't see the differences in our son. We went to a daycare party this weekend and he said "I didn't hear any of the kids reciting Shakespeare."
    He also flip flops between our son having NO issues and having more issues than he has.
    Doesn't understand why our son can't pick things up as quickly.
    He was present for the state evaluation. He is hung up on the fact they asked my son to stack rings and kick a ball. He didn't do very well with that but the bottom line is: they didn't see any other issues but the language delay. He said he now feels like he has to teach our son to do things NOW. He also believes speech therapy is going to be a complete waste of time and money. 

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  • Thank you all for your feedback. We started this process about 8 weeks ago and it has been a non-stop argument. He seems to "get it" and then the next week he snaps about something. It's just exhausting. I think we both need to figure out how to "teach" our son at home without it feeling like he's in school. Again, this boy is just TWO. He needs space to be a little boy as well.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I don't have additional advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry he's acting like this and adding to your stress. I hope he comes around soon.
    fraternal twin boys born january 2009
  • Lovenyc said:
    He truly doesn't see the differences in our son.
    He also believes speech therapy is going to be a complete waste of time and money. 

    This seems to be the big issue here.  It sounds to me like your husband believes the testing was too advanced for his age, and that if he doesn't train your son he'll fail the next battery of evaluations, too.

    Perhaps you could have someone explain to your husband that the tests are progressive.  They typically start with skills that should be easy for the child, and then continue in difficulty until your child can no longer perform up to a certain level.  That way, they can plot at approximately what age-level he's performing each type of task.  Just because they asked your son to do things he couldn't is not a sign of a problem.  This is why the reports explain the results in plain language and not just scores.

    Do you know why he thinks the therapy is a waste?  Is it because he doesn't think your son needs it or because he doesn't believe the therapy works?  If it is the later, can you have someone explain how the therapies work and why it can help when traditional methods (naturally hearing, mimicking, and eventually producing desired sounds on demand) haven't?

    Finally, I think it's important to remember that your husband likely feels pressure to provide for his family, no matter what.  I'm sure the sticker shock of the cost has got him worried, especially now around the holidays, that he won't be able to continue to do that as well as he had planned.

    Since you mention his parents, it sounds like they are likely from a different era, when there was a very different attitude about children with delays.  They likely are struggling with the diagnosis, because of the stigma that used to be attached to admitting any kind of developmental delay.  It is not unreasonable that they don't understand why you would pursue this issue, rather than just "cope" with/ignore it, and they may feel like you are looking for issues where they don't exist.  I can see how why they might be putting a bug in your husband's ear that the therapies are just a way for the therapists to rip you off.

    On that front, please know that many of our families have difficulty with our children's diagnoses--either they don't believe them at all or they think out children are the ones that are on the more mild side of the spectrum.  Often, they don't understand why we can't just skip a therapy session/medical appointment or mix up our children's routine, and they attribute any resulting behavioral response to our children being "spoiled."  My time on this board has shown me that is something that many of us struggle with, so you are not alone.
  • CaptainSerious-- You hit the nail on the head with every point you made. It's like you just had a therapy session with DH!

    This is DH to a tee. "It sounds to me like your husband believes the testing was too advanced for his age, and that if he doesn't train your son he'll fail the next battery of evaluations, too." 

    His parents live out of state but after a very heated phone conversation with my MIL last night I realize that they MUST be putting a bug in DH's ear. They are SO old school. In fact, their 50-yr old son is profoundly deaf. He does not speak at all. They never learned how to use sign language with him. They never got him the help he needed. It's very sad. Everyone is always trying to "rip them off."

    The more I think of it, the more I think maybe DH is worried about our son becoming like his brother. (which is obviously NOT the case) I don't think he understands how therapy will work. He thinks because HE can't sit my son down to do a project that NO ONE will be able to do it.

    He has an annual freak out about money in general. (prob exacerbated by the fact I make more money than him)

    The bottom line is: the current situation is NOT healthy for anyone, especially our son. He is young but kids can sense when people are angry. There was enough anger in my house last night to last a year. I need this to get better. I will not apologize for doing what I know, as a mother, is right for my son.

     
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  • The others have addressed most of what I was going to say. Just wanted to add to make sure your EI cant count your pg as a fourth family member . I did financials with EI here (VA) last week and am also pg. They counted the baby.

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  • Thanks Junebug060609-- Unfortunately NJ will not count the pregnancy. Our sliding scale will change once I deliver. I'm starting to think I need to look for a private therapist. So far they have all been cheaper than EI. $110 an hour is really, really high.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • We had a state of the state meeting last night. We discussed everything in a calm manner. He felt that I put a lot of added pressure on the situation (which I definitely did) I addressed my concerns as well. We have agreed to work together better as a team. Onward and upward. Thanks for all of your advice. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I'm glad you and DH talked.  You're doing the right thing getting help for your DS.  We don't do speech therapy, but we do weekly private OT with DD1.  It's about $500/month.  As much as I would love to have that extra money for savings or other things, we've found that it really is worth it.  Not only is she catching up to her peers, she is starting to generalize the things she's learning to help her with learning new skills.  Even though the therapy is play-based, the therapist works on specific things in a specific order so the skills build on each other.  I've also found that the therapist can sometimes push DD to do things that she resists doing at home.

    Good luck with starting this journey--this board is a great source of support and info.
  • Lovenyc said:
    We had a state of the state meeting last night. We discussed everything in a calm manner. He felt that I put a lot of added pressure on the situation (which I definitely did) I addressed my concerns as well. We have agreed to work together better as a team. Onward and upward. Thanks for all of your advice. 

    That's great. Glad you had a productive talk. My best marriage advice to someone who has been on this journey a bit longer is keep the lines of communication open, compromise, try not to criticize the way dh does things even if its not necessarily what the therapists would recommend, and make time alone without kids.
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