BD's Visitation Proposal from Atty :(

eg214

BD and I have very limited speaking involvement because I cannot stand him. None the less, I knew papers were coming from his attorney for a proposed visitation, custody, and child support agreement. He gave me a brief breakdown via text but naturally, knew it wouldn't be that crisp and clear.

Background: Formerly married, divorced in 2011, no children besides the one I'm pregnant with now. History of documented domestic violence, PTSD, retired military, lives in FL while I live in VA.

Here's the breakdown:

Joint physical custody

Joint legal custody

Birth to age one: Visitation within 30 miles of my house in VA for one week, every other month. It does not state this doesn't include overnights, so if he thinks at two weeks old he is going to get her for a week solid...he's crazy. In addition, it doesn't outline specific days times so he can request to see her at midnight? Sounds crazy I know, but with him...every single detail has to be in writing or there will be an argument.

One to two: He has her for THREE WEEKS in Florida four times a year. Is this crazy to anyone else that she would not see her mother for three solid weeks? At that age, you can't explain to them that even though mommy is not around, she still loves you and wishes she could be with you. All the child knows is mommy is gone for a long time. It just seems absolutely crazy to me. Then he can see her whenever he wants on non "three week" months over weekends if he gives me 7 days or more notice.

Two to 18: Holidays/school breaks of which I don't have issue, except it has no consideration for splitting holidays when I bring her to Florida to visit with my family for things like Christmas. As it stands, if I'm in Florida and so is she, if it's a certain year, I don't see her from the 20th until early January. Makes no sense. I can't spend part of the holiday with my daughter and don't see her until 10 days after Christmas?!?!?! Again, might be logical to some but if it's not in a court agreed to document, he won't go for it when the time comes.

I have to pay for half of her flights to see him in Florida. HUH!?! How is it that I have to make it convenient for him to take her to Florida to visit when he could easily relocate? He doesn't work. Won't work again. Doesn't have to work. Doesn't communicate with his family in Florida. Isn't in school. Has no other reason to be in Florida except because he wants to and owns a house which he could rent or sell. For me, I'm currently employed here, going back to school, and all of my career/job goals and opportunities are in this area. What if I don't have it in my finances to pay for half the flights? I go to jail because I'm in contempt? Just sounds crazy to me.

Lastly, some crap with filing taxes and claiming her. We're splitting that which doesn't make sense either because he told me at one time he doesn't pay taxes because of his disabled/retired veteran status. Not to mention the lawyer said I get to claim her in odd years starting with 2013 (when she isn't even born) and he gets even years starting 2014 when she will be born. Not only does it irk me because he said he doesn't pay taxes but I'm the one who has provided everything for her in her first year...car seat, stroller, bottles, diapers and wipes (to start her off), toys, clothes, crib, swing, etc. So why should he get to write her off in her first year?

I know there are several moms on here with out of state situations. I'd appreciate any feedback from anyone who understands. I want her to have a good relationship with her father and have no issues with making it easy (as long as he provides a safe environment and is level headed), but this stuff seems pretty ridiculous. I just can't fathom her being away from me for three weeks at a time so little. That just eats me. I do not have the money to hire an attorney but as of Jan 1, I will qualify for legal aid and plan on using that to negotiate this and figure this out prior to her birth (hopefully) and to avoid court, but if we end up there...than so be it.

momof2buggs

One question-did he move to Florida? Or did you move to Virginia? 

eg214

@momof2buggs Neither. We've always been apart. He moved to Florida when we weren't together or speaking, I moved to VA when we werent together or speaking. We got back in touch when we were both living in our respective states and would visit with each other to "date"

momof2buggs

I asked because if he had been the one to choose to move away, the judge would likely put the burden of the travel costs on him. Also, don't quote me on this, but to my knowledge, babies don't spend overnights with the other parent duri g the first year,  because the court system says they are too young. That is the information I've gathered, during my own research. I am sorry you're going through this stress! I say wait until you can get some legal advice and put off stressing and worrying until then! 

Kathy1013

The father has to come to the residing state of the child (VA), if he wants her to go to Florida then he's got to pay travel costs. The parent that takes care of the child more then 50% claims them, I wouldn't let that shit fly! You should get a lawyer before you agree to anything! I have never heard of visitation agreement before the child is even born.

HisChamaoleGirl

As for taxes, whoever has LO the most gets to claim LO on taxes unless the other person gives written consent.

https://turbotax.intuit.com/tax-tools/tax-tips/Family/What-Happens-When-Both-Parents-Claim-a-Child-on-a-Tax-Return-/INF14352.html

eg214

Thanks gals. 

Yes I have to hold off until January (when I am no longer employed) and will get an atty through legal aid. I simply can't afford one any other way, even with my current FT job. 

I was really hoping this plan would be "talkable" but the more it simmers in my mind, the more I realize how snake and outrageous this is. I just can't wrap my head around a judge allowing her to go to Florida for three weeks every couple months. I TOTALLY GET that he has rights and he should be able to see his daughter a lot as well, I'm all for that...but three weeks away from me seems outrageous. I understand it might be what HE WANTS but is that really good for her? I am researching child psych's too who I could set up an appointment with and just pay out of pocket to ask them these questions and see if they will also put it in writing so I can submit to court just to cover my arse. I just don't see how that is what's best for her. I'm studying law and I get lawyers look out for their clients, but it kinda makes me sick that a lawyer would think that's what's best for her as well. Maybe he refused to listen and said it had to be that way. I don't know...crazy. He at first wanted to take her to Florida at 3 months old. I'm sure his atty said uhhhh that doesn't happen dude. Try again. He basically wants to be a 50% parent from Florida. It hurts my heart to think of my daughter on a plane that often. As much as I don't want him around me, it would be much more beneficial to her for him to move here but he just won't. Ugh!

Anyway, I was really upset yesterday but have since calmed down and realized none of this is happening tomorrow or even right away. It will get worked out and worst case, if the law says it has to happen...then it has to happen...but I'm going to do my darndest to make sure it doesn't. And yes, I agree if he wants her in Florida, he should have to pay for that. The agreement should really say I have to pay for half when she is old enough to fly by herself, until then it's up to him to pay. I could see compromising on that.

And on the before she's born thing...the atty I had a consult with actually advised that it would be best to come up with a plan before she's born so it will be filed the day she's born and clear to everyone. PLUS...in it would be an immediate demand for child support...otherwise I'm SOL until a judge signs, seals, and delivers something which could take months if not agreed upon. He's been up my arse sideways since about 4 months on a plan anyway. Ridiculous.

Thanks ladies for the advice and for listening. Keep it coming

blueyedsweety28

one week for a newborn is ridiculous, so is three weeks for a one to two year old .. this article might help you form some opinions .. and what you need to do is come up with a plan yourself if you do not like the one he has come up with .. and add every single detail that you think is necessary .. and I was informed as well that when you make a schedule, make sure it has a start date in case the cops get involved .. as in, "The father will have the child every other weekend starting on December 13, 2013." https://theattachedfamily.com/?p=2204

babymama619

You can meet with a lawyer for free for a consult which I found helpful even though I did not hire one. One thing I wonder is are you going to breast feed? If so you cannot be away from LO at 2 weeks old, it just won't work. I'm 5 weeks in and I can barely leave to go to walgreens!

As others said, don't sign a thing! One if the things I learned from my consult was my county requires a mediator so BD will have to wait. Also this whole thing is a little crazy considering LO isn't even here. I mean neither my pedi nor WIC wouldn't even make an appointment for LO the day of my induction. She had to actually be here, alive, with a birthdate before anything could go forward. I think your BD needs to slow his roll.

eg214

Yeah can you tell him for me that he needs to take a chill pill? He's been up my arse since about 3-4 months. I tried to do the right thing and let him know about appointments and updates and every single time they'd turn into OKAY COOL NOW WHAT ABOUT CUSTODY? Or a country song and a photo of our wedding day. It's been absolutely ridiculous. That's why I mean I'm glad he wants to be a dad and have a relationship with his daughter, but I wish he would go away. When he finally realized I wasn't interested in getting back together, that's when he reared his ugly head and got an attorney and decided he wasn't going to move to VA to be close to his daughter. So typical.

I did the whole search for free consults thing a while back and nobody around here did one. The cheapest I found was $100 and went to her, but that was before I had PPW. I'm just going to wait until I get legal aid next month.

Ndsales

Each state is different. We actually have 50/50 legal custody with Bm being the primary care giver only for SS. We get him and have since he was 3 every summer (may-August), every Thanksgiving, and every odd christmas and every christmas break (4 weeks this year). Plus even though BM has SS most of the year, we claim SS odd years, and BM claims even years.