Venting! Long I'm so sorry!

scorpgirl1120

Hi guys!  So, as you know I'm pregnant (6 weeks now and I saw the heartbeat on Friday....OMG I couldn't believe it!!!).  Well I have a friend who I don't know how to handle with this whole thing.  I've spoken with a few friends but I need to know I'm not over-reacting so please give me your opinions!

This girlfriend got engaged in October.  I have been so happy for her and when she asked me to be a bridesmaid I said of course.  She told me that day that she needed me to be there for her which I said I would be and then she notified me that I haven't been there because I was upset about this whole process.  She told me she was pregnant (unplanned) and miscarried and she felt she couldn't come to me to talk to her about it.  I told her I probably wouldn't be the best person to help her with something like that but she could still tell me if she's pregnant because of course I would be happy for my friend no matter what I'm going through!  However, since then I've called her non-stop and asked her about the planning and what I need to do to help and just let her talk about the excitement of being engaged.  (on a side note she cries to me all the time about how everyone else is moving on with their lives and having babies and she's stuck in a rut.  Like she forgot she was getting married and I've been trying and failing at getting pregnant for two years!!)

Well I found out I was pregnant on the 26th and the same day she scheduled bridesmaid dress shopping.  I told her I couldn't go because I didn't want to get bad news and then ruin the day with my crying.  Well I found out I was pregnant so I surprised her by showing up.  SHE said, "So since you're here I guess that means that you're pregnant."  I told her yes and then didn't say anything about it the rest of the night.

I haven't heard from her since then and I just felt like she wasn't happy for me.  So I talked to her on the phone and she said of course she was happy for me but she doesn't like that I talk about being pregnant ALL the time.  OMG I haven't even spoken to or texted her since the bridesmaids dress shopping, with the exception of telling her I saw the heartbeat yesterday so I tell her that and she tells me she's happy but she's still trying to get over what she went through 4 months ago.  I reminded her that I didn't even say anything at the shopping and she says....are you ready?????  "Well, it's good you didn't because if you did then I would have had to remind you that we weren't there for your pregnancy, we were there for my dress shopping"  Are you freaking kidding me???  This girl is supposed to be one of my best friends!  She stood up in my wedding, I saved her from her last horrible relationship, set her up with her current fiance and we take trips together but she tells me that after a week of finding out I'm pregnant I'm talking about it too much!  She knows I've been trying for 2 years AND her sister when through IVF and just had the child.  UGH she has no problem talking about her nephew non-stop!

Ok seriously am I over-reacting?  She may be the only one saying it but it makes me feel like maybe people aren't really happy for me and it's just me and my amazing husband.

ArgyleBride

First of all, CONGRATS on a heartbeat!  I'm happy for you

I think you guys are just at points in your lives right now that are uniquely badly suited.  She had a surprise pregnancy when you've been trying for two years, then she has a miscarriage and you have your pregnancy.  It's just a bad class [edit: case not class] of who's going through what not matching up well.  Ride it out if you can.

I also really have never liked the idea that someone needs to "be there" for an engagement.  It's a *good* thing, a *happy* thing, and if you need support through it you might be doing it wrong!  Family clashes happen during wedding planning, yes, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.  Basically where I'm getting with all this is that yes, I am on your side, but I do think you should be toning down pregnancy excitement around her as much as you can out of respect for her loss.  By which I mean, don't talk to her about it unless she asks.  I also think that if you possibly can, you should roll with the punches and try not to get sucked into drama for the next year or so, and things will level out.  She won't be getting married forever--this is a blip on the radar, so if you can make it through this with as little acrimony as possible, your friendship has a good chance of returning to normal(ish) after the dust settles.  Also, you are not morally obligated to talk about boring engagement stuff all the time--mix it up so you don't go crazy or worse, resent the friendship until it dies.

Yes, she could make some changes too, but I can't give her advice or support because she's not here, you are.  So if it sounds like I'm just suggesting you change things and saying nothing about her doing things differently, that's the only reason.

stinkerbell6879

I am going to ditto PP. Just give her some time. Right now I am your friend and if my BFF called me to tell me I'd be happy for her but there's no way I could be a support at this time. But in time she'll probably come around or not.

scorpgirl1120

Thanks for the advice girls...I know I need to be sensitive about her issue but that day I just felt bad for being pregnant.  But, like you said, I'm just not going to talk about it unless she brings it up....even then I'll probably only provide her with the bare minimum of information.  I just hope this doesn't hurt our friendship

LittleLady77

I don't think you're over reacting at all, I would be annoyed too.  That being said, everyone handles losses differently and I'm sure you being pregnant is very difficult in her mind.  I would also just give it some time and *try* not to worry about her.  I know that's easier said than done, but it sounds like she is struggling right now and you don't need that dragging you down.

BTW- Congratulations!!