Postpartum Depression

The Face of PPD...My Story...Long...

I did a PPD photo shoot and met other moms at a studio and we all had pics taken together and shared our stories.  They are also being published on a women's blog and presented during a mental health fair.  We had to actually sit down and write our stories and figured I'd share mine here with you all.  It is long, but worth reading and me posting if it will help anybody.  :-)  

My story: The Face of PPD

*Even though this is sad and even scary to read, I love you my dear son.  More than life itself, and I’m more than grateful you are in my life.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to us, and even though I weathered a storm, you were worth it! I’m very thankful for the love and support from my husband too.  He more than weathered the storm with me!  

Love you Patrick & Carter!*

My name is Amber and I have a three year old son named, Carter.  It has taken me all of those three years to actually sit down and write this.  Life has been a struggle ever since my son was born.  I’m actually feeling more and more like my “old self” now days.  However, I STILL use medication to help me.  Do I need it?  I don’t really know, just fearful of not using it right now and things slipping again.  I guess you could say it is a bit of a crutch now.

Looking back on everything now, I honestly feel that the depression/anxiety started when I was early in my pregnancy.  It was my first pregnancy and I was very unsure of what was going on with my body.  I’m also a huge worry wart!  I also struggle with some body image issues, so gaining weight for me was pretty depressing.  I still deal with this.  I didn’t really enjoy my pregnancy as some women do and I feel bad about it.  I should have been on top of the world because I was blessed to be pregnant and having a baby.  I feared everything!  I was the queen of Google searches, for sure!  Anything and everything I felt or thought I felt, I was Googling.  Of course, you know with Google, it jumps to the worst case scenario.  I automatically believed that was happening to me and that caused stress, for sure.  I was always calling my doctor to rule things out.  Almost every time, the doctor said it was nothing or normal in their book.  One time I had pre-term labor scare around 23 weeks and I was in the hospital getting shots to stop contractions.  It worked and all was fine, but this set in intense fear for me!!

I’m also a planner for everything.  I had everything planned out and thought I knew for sure how things were going to go.  Had my birth plan written down and thought it would all be crystal clear.  I lived in this fantasy land when it came to birth and bringing home a baby.  All I ever knew was what I saw on TV and how other people portrayed their life after baby on Facebook.  Lets be honest…nobody ever tells you the “real” stuff.  It is all puppies and rainbows online and in TV, but boy it isn’t that way in real life! Especially, when you’re dealing with another demon you didn’t “plan” for. 

I woke up the morning of Thursday, August 10, 2010 and went about my normal routine.  Ate breakfast, relaxed and went to the gym to work out.  After about lunch time, I started noticing contractions that were about ten minutes apart.  To most people that isn’t close together at all and no need to rush away to the hospital, but my child was breech and we knew this.  Another thing I didn’t plan for!  I was worried and didn’t want anything to go wrong and didn’t want labor progressing since he was breech.  We went to the hospital, they admitted me and my son was born at 10:22 pm that night by c-section. 

The c-section could be another whole story in itself, but I HATED it!  I felt robbed, it was not natural at all, and the recovery was the most terrible pain that I’ve ever experienced.  I think the c-section pushed me over the edge mentally too.  My son also had a horrible time latching on in the hospital after birth.  I’m sure it had something to do with the fact they wouldn’t let me have him in the recovery room and I didn’t get back to my room to try to nurse him for the first time until after midnight.  I also found out he was tongue-tied!  Awful! He couldn’t nurse without a shield, took him over an hour to nurse and was rooting 30-45 minutes later.  This went on for about 2 ½ months before I finally decided to call an ENT doctor to get his frenulum clipped.   Since he was tongue-tied he couldn’t get enough milk to fill his belly.  It was so hard for him, so he never, ever slept, not even napping.  Oh and he was also colicky!!!  Between recovering from a c-section, trying to nurse a tongue-tied, non-sleeping, colicky baby, I went crazy!!!  There were several times I would scream at him, I mean scream and even curse.  Telling him to shut up and even leaving him to cry for a few minutes, so I could just lay there.  I regret this and feel awful even typing it.  I never had images of hurting him though, only myself.  I knew this wasn’t normal, but I couldn’t help it.  My husband had to step in several times and take over.  I felt I was losing this battle of motherhood and I would often ask myself, “what did I do?”  I thought I made a huge mistake in having a baby and this made me very sad.  What was I doing wrong?  How come other mothers could handle this and I couldn’t?     

These feelings went on for months, I had no clue what was going on.  Adding more fuel to the fire was Google again.  I searched anything and everything my son was doing and it always made me jump to the worst case scenario.  It put my stress and anxiety to another level, for sure!  At about seven months post-partum something hit me like a Mack truck!  All of a sudden I developed horrible racing thoughts and insomnia.  My son was finally sleeping through the night at this time, but I wasn’t.  I couldn’t fall asleep, stay asleep for nothing.  My mind would not shut up and let me rest.  I don’t even know what I worrying about, it was stupid, small things.  I would lie in bed and get horrible panic attacks.  My heart would race, I would sweat, I could barely breathe.  I really thought I was having a heart attack!  I was awake for days straight and literally felt myself being crazy.  I had no energy and would sometimes crawl on my living room floor because I was so exhausted.  I didn’t even want to play with my son or go out and do anything fun.  I even had suicidal thoughts of running my car off the road and hitting a tree or pole.  I just wanted a physical injury to put me in the hospital so someone would help me!

My poor husband, family, and friends were so confused and had no clue what was going on with me.  You’re supposed to be happy after having a baby; it’s the best time of your life!  I was happy to have my son, he’s still the best thing I’ve ever done and wouldn’t trade it for the world!  However, I was dying inside and needed help, desperately! I finally broke down and called my OB after several days of this.  I explained what was happening and everything, but they weren’t sure it was PPD because I was seven months post partum.  They told me to call my primary care physician (PCP) and go from there.  I did and he got me in right away and started me on a low dose of an antidepressant and gave me ten anti-anxiety pills, but told me to really try to refrain from using them because they are so addictive.  Well, this sent my head spinning again because I was now afraid to use medication that I really needed.  I was also still nursing my son and was fearful of putting medications into his little body too.  So, I still suffered for several more weeks waiting for the antidepressant to kick in, that never did.  During this time in my life I was at my lowest when I was supposed to be at my highest.  I was depressed, anxious, exhausted, mean, angry, lonely and miserable.  Let’s just say I was not someone that people wanted to be around.  Thank God my husband was so supportive.  He was my rock and took great care of me and my son.  I don’t know where I’d be today without the amazing support I got from him, because honestly…he was all I had (other than parents).  Everyone else was pretty confused and I don’t think they really knew how to help me.  I was once very angry about this, but I finally understand that they just didn’t get it, bottom line.

After two emergency room visits, I finally made an appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist to seek treatment.  This is your best route to deal with PPD and any other post partum mood disorders.  They are the ones who really know what is going on and can help you the most.  I’m very thankful for them both!!  I feel they both, along with my husband, saved my life!  Once my psychiatrist figured out which medications and which doses worked for me, things started to improve.  I’ve also learned a lot from my therapist in the last three years as well.  I feel she has really given me great tools to use.  My psychiatrist also didn’t scare me with the medications that he put me on.  He said I needed them and wouldn’t get addicted if used properly.  This put my mind at ease, he really did know much more about the medications than my primary care physician.  I didn’t like being on drugs at first because I felt it was a fake happy and I didn’t like the super high doses I had to take.  I also decided to quit nursing my son when he was nine months old and I was devastated by this.  Some of the medications I was using weren’t recommended for nursing moms, but I wanted my mental health back so bad that I decided to quit.  This was really depressing to me as well, but I knew I had to do it to get healthy for my son.  I know that nine months of nursing did great things for my son and I’m okay with that, and very proud for what I did.

Very slowly, things started getting better.  The medications were helping me sleep and calming my racing mind and easing the anxiety and depression.  This was a huge ordeal for me and something I never thought would happen to me.  I also had never really heard of PPD until I was going through it.  I also feel the medical community and the community in general don’t know much about it.  They don’t get how debilitating it is. 

Now, three years later, I feel very comfortable talking about it and sharing with others.  Anything I can do to help other moms through this is well worth sharing my experience.  I still see my therapist once a month and psychiatrist once every three months.  I still use low doses of my medication, but almost totally off two of them.  I finally feel like the “old me,” years later!  I enjoy my life, my family, and friends again.  I feel stronger now that I’ve experienced this and it has helped me be more sympathetic to other mental health issues.  I can also finally say I want another baby.  I’m scared, not going to lie, but with the help of my husband again and now my therapist and psychiatrist things should be better next time.  I’ll know what to look out for and so will others.  I encourage any woman going through any post partum mood disorder to seek help right away.  Don’t sit around on it, most of the time things will not get better without professional help.  Don’t be embarrassed and don’t fear that your child will be taken away.  That is pretty rare when you're reaching out for help. You have to get better for your baby and yourself and trust me, with the proper help you can get the “old you” back.  You may be a little different, but you will be stronger and thankful you got help. 

“The itsy, bitsy spider climbed up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out.  Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsy, bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.” –Brooke Shields, Down Came the Rain

The sun will dry everything up and you will be able to climb again!

 

 

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Patrick, Carter & I

PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).  
Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!


Re: The Face of PPD...My Story...Long...

  • Thank you so much for sharing. I know and understand your story all to well. I believe my PPD/PPA started early but became out of control right before I had to have my gallbladder out when my daughter was 6 months old.

    I had some major anxiety when she was younger that she would get sick and die. It was terrible, so terrible I would not leave the house. I finally got over that on my own.

    Shortly there after I started on myself. I was absolutely sure something was wrong with me and I was going to die. I mostly feared cancer. Every little pain, lump, bump had to be something. I found a lump in my breast and could not be convinced that it was a cyst and would likely go away. That was even confirmed by a negative ultrasound and follow up exams.

    It has been almost a year and I am seeing a counselor and taking meds. I struggle daily but it is getting easier. I am finding myself enjoying life again and remembering that aches and pains are normal even if they last for a few days.

    With all that being said I am pretty sure there will be no more children. I adore the one I have but I'm not up for this again.

    Hang in there everyone. I can absolutely say that PPD and PPA is no joke and often overlooked. I would love share my story as many times as I can. It helps me remember where I came from and proud of how far I have come
  • I'm sorry you've experienced this too. It's awful :(. Thank you for sharing with me as well. I pray you continue to get better!
    PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
    Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).  
    Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!


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  • Thank you for sharing this. I am envious of you having your husband there to be your rock. My husband is wonderful, but he's working full time and in school full time. I often feel like a single mom. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and absolutely nobody who understands. It doesn't help that I'm pregnant again. (oops pregnancy- I was on birth control) After reading your post, I definitely feel like I should seek out the help of a psychiatrist. I've been thinking about it, but wasn't sure if it would do me any good.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • You're welcome.  I know how you feel, my DH worked full time and was in school getting his masters at that time as well.  So it was a lot on me too, but he def was my rock.  It is hard to get people to understand, I know what that feels like!  It is awful, people just don't get it that has never been through it.
    Seeking help can help you 100%!  Sometimes you feel so bad that you just feel like everything is useless and not worth trying, "it won't work."  It does though!  You will be surprised!  Since you are pregnant you really need to see someone.  It will really benefit you and the baby.  Being super stressed out is not good for the baby.

    Good luck and you can PM if you need to, I'll listen.  
    PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
    Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).  
    Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!


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