Some discipline help

nanabanana06

So, today has already been full of crazy spanking drama on here. So, this has me thinking of my own way of parenting. I feel as if my kid is in a difficult stage (she's 3 and he's almost 1). I feel like I'm doing a lot of yelling, time outs, and counting and it's getting me nowhere. She's so strong willed and will not listen or do as we say. I'm not expecting complete obedience, but for her to at least do simple tasks and stop telling us No all the time. So, recommend some positive parenting books. I think she may need a more positive approach than just a modified 123 Magic.

aglenn

The Positive Discipline series is my favorite.  Love and Logic is good, too.  That, and making sure you are taking time for yourself!  Age 3 is tough, age 4 so far is not much better, and I have to really, really work at keeping myself in a calm and centered place.

nanabanana06

aglenn said:

The Positive Discipline series is my favorite.  Love and Logic is good, too.  That, and making sure you are taking time for yourself!  Age 3 is tough, age 4 so far is not much better, and I have to really, really work at keeping myself in a calm and centered place.

The calm and centered thing is my biggest failing right now. My anxiety is really flaring up right now and it makes it so hard to control my emotions. I hate it, but I'm doing everything in my power to change it.

aglenn

I hear you on the calm and centered.  It is so, so, very hard.  I generally consider myself a pretty laid back person but yeah... I don't really feel that way any more.  Things that help:  exercise, eating right, making sure I get as much sleep as I can (which is never as much as I really need, because my kids are not great sleepers).  I have been doing some meditation and yoga as well and am basically beginner level at both but they help a lot.

neverblushed

The Love and Logic series really worked well.  I never used time out with my kids when they were small -- it just didn't seem to make sense.  I've seen a lot of parents fight to enforce the time out. Ugh.

When my kids were small, I tried to head off the endless stream of corrections and negative reactions by giving two choices.  For instance, like many kids, my DD would be reluctant to settle down in bed.  You know how it goes -- the monkeying around, asking for water, another trip to the potty, etc. A parent could easily get into a long, drawn out scene, basically begging the child to get in bed. So, I would give her a choice: "if you want us to tuck you in, you have to settle down and put your head on the pillow.  Otherwise, Daddy and I will just say goodnight and you can tuck yourself in."  This let her know that bedtime was inevitable, but that she had control over how bedtime proceeded.  

Wherever possible, I tried to use gimmicks like this to put the choice on the child, instead of putting me in the never-ending position of correcting and cajoling.

ncbelle

If you want a book, I LOVE playful parenting.  Our best strategies have been offering choices as much as possible and avoiding power struggles - time outs become power struggles.  That doesn't mean "giving in" of course.  But choices have helped us avoid the vast majority of situations where outright defiance can happen.

pixieprincss

Check out the Aha Parenting website. It is loaded with gems!

If you are on Facebook, like that, Attachment Parenting International, and Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.

The book Attached at the Heart has the best list of positive discipline strategies that I've come across.

PipSqueak0313

After seeing my dd (she was 7 or 8 at the time) cower in fear while I yelled at ds1 (from xh's need to "instill a fear of Daddy") I realized I HAD to do something different.  So instead, the louder the kids got, the quieter I spoke. Instead of fighting ds1 (he was 3 at the time) when he was melting down, I held him with him sitting on my lap as if I was his carseat and my arms were the 3-point harness -if that description makes sense.  Instead of engaging him I only hummed and rocked side to side. If he said "I want to......."  I only acknowledged that I heard what he was wanting to do but did not offer any explanations for not allowing what he wanted and returned to humming. As he calmed down, we would change to a more traditional cuddling hold.  When he was calm, I would give him options of things he could do/have without bringing up the item that he could NOT do/have. 

I also learned to give my kids "warning countdowns" i.e. 10 minutes until we have to leave the playground.  5 more minutes....2 minutes....time to go.  It helped them transition from something fun to something they didn't want to do. 

My kids always behaved better in public when I gave them a run down of what we were doing and what I expected them to do, how I expected them to behave before we ever got into the car.  i.e. "We're going to get groceries and then we are coming back home.  I expect you to look with your eyes and not your hands. You can each pick out X when we get to that aisle and Y; or M gets to pick X and R gets to pick Y depending on items needed. (X and Y were both items on my shopping list)  And I gave them a chance to ask questions.  It always worked better if they knew the answer was not what they wanted before we got there. Sometimes the kids would ask if we could stop at a section of the department store they wanted to visit -- again if the answer was either "no we can't look today." or "we can look but we will not buy" it was always better when the answer was provided in the beginning.

I don't know if these things are in books, since I didn't look. Some things, like the "warning countdowns" were a matter of listening to my kids requesting notice before change happened and/or responding to their needs -- my kids needed the chance to process information/their emotions and/or set realistic expectations for the errand before they reached the stimulation of the destination.

Hope this helps.....

CtlsRajesh

Try to understand her with love.

MayKay12

We have been practicing positive discipline since dd was 1(she is 4 now). We had a very easy 2,3 and so far 4. My son turns 2 on Sunday and things have been easy with him so far too. I really believe in it and like how it makes us all feel. We definitely have rough times but in general things go really well.