"He looks just like my donor!" - Discussion Topic

2MamazInSeattle

Hi all,
So I work with a partner to my company and my main contact surprised me one day when my use of donor eggs came up (she asked about my IVF protocol, and I just am honest with people who ask, if they ask) - she used donor eggs for her twins who are now 3 years old! We have had lots of open/honest conversations since about it all.

Yesterday, she showed me pix of her boys - she also has a 6 year old she had with her own eggs. She pointed out one of the twins and said "he looks JUST like the donor!" And get this - her donor was somewhere smaller and she had to call to pay for her drugs directly to the pharmacy, and the pharmacist said her donor's full name to her - and so my friend found her donor on facebook (she's like "I couldn't help but look...") and indeed her one son is a spitting image of this girl (who by the way is gorgeous and my friend said "why couldn't I have a girl!"). Her boys are adorable!

Another interesting point - her donor is a fashion designer. She said "My twins are so obsessed with how they look - like they are 3-year-old BOYS and they are concerned about their clothes matching properly, looking neat and put together...and clearly that is NOT an influence of my husband." (He's a burly midwest lookin' dude, in flannel, etc.). So she sees the donor influence there too.

Anyhow - I asked her if it bothered her that her son looks like her donor - she said "Oh no, not at all. I think it would bother my donor moreso if she ever saw my son!" So - discussion topic - how do you feel about this? Do you have adult photos of your donor? Do you worry about seeing the donor in your child's face? What about habits like the fashion connection? Does that bother you or is that kinda cool to you?

Just thought I'd drum up some talk! Thoughts??

firesiren

I know it's weird but I didn't do pictures of any sort with my donor.  I didn't want to know.  I'll never look for him either.  If I know his name though, curiosity would get the best of me!!!  I know there will be some genetic influence from the donor.  I was never around my father as a child but as an adult, when I spent time with him, it became apparent that I had mannerisms that were so similar.

I think it's cool that we were able to conceive despite my DH not having sperm. I never in a million years thought that we would be doing something like this.  We live in the rural Midwest.  IVF/sperm donor: that's some Lifetime/MTV stuff.   It's pretty conservative here.

 One of my biggest fears is when DH says things like it's not mine. It makes my stomach knot up.   He's just kidding but it makes me nervous. I broke down and asked him not to say that even in joking.    

Mrs.McIrish

I only got to see childhood photos of my current donor. I did see adult photos of my first 3 donors. Maybe it's better that I can't see her as a adult? Since I'm not pregnant, I don't really think about seeking the donor in the child at this stage. It's my 4th donor-no sense going down that road until there's something to think about for me. If it gets me a baby, I don't mind. People see what they want to see... I'm glad I don't know her name as the investigative side of me would be nosy.

Manada

ooh!  Good topic!    I've thought alot about this so my response will be long!

Having adult photos of our donor ended up being pretty important to us, and to me specifically.  I think it was in the last round of donor selection that it really came up as something that mattered to me - - and that was mostly because we were looking for a donor that would pass on some colouring (ie. blue eyes and not super fair skin) that would be sort of like mine, but it was ALSO really important to me that our donor not look SO much like me that he also look like my biological father.   It was a really delicate balance!

As someone who grew up the fair skinned, red-haired, blue eyed child of a single mother who is dark skinned and featured -- I spend a lot of time thinking about the connection between "belonging" and looking alike in families.   I notice the way children look like their bio parents, and the traits they pick up from those who raised them.  I have learned to see my mother in myself.  I think for us, or at least me - the goal was to choose a donor who would pass on features that could potentially "pass" for mine -- and could give me a sense of belonging in a world that seeks to legitimize parentage over and over. 

This didn't matter to me at all until we came to the point where we were letting go of me having a genetic connection to our kids.    Then the idea of "belonging" became VERY important to me - - in ways I didn't even consider before.

I KNOW I will notice and look for H in our children - who will be genetically connected to her - and I hope will get some of those amazing things I see in her, and the quirky things too.   I hope that by spending time with them - they will pick up some of my quirks as well and we will belong to each other in that way.   I also know that there will be things neither of us recognize in them --- and that maybe we will see reflected in donor siblings, or the donor if we ever meet -- or maybe those things will just be them.  

I know it will be okay.  I also know that if we end up adopting eventually and those children look nothing like either of us that would be okay too --- family is what we make of it.  Where we came with our donor considerations is really more of a reflection on my own process than "making" our kids I think....  but things emerged and we have sorted through them as best we can so that we feel good about our decisions.

liz4paws

We have two donor families and we have an open relationship with the genetic parents of one batch, but the other is originally from an anonymous couple who used an anonymous egg donor. With the limited (but specific) information I had I did google search one day on a whim and was shocked to find who I believe is the genetic father. He and his wife were in the media due to the nature of how he and his wife became pregnant originally with our embryos - his wife was age 50. Wired magazine picked it up, they were interviewed with CNN Paula Zahn. They certainly had 15 minutes of fame and put it all out there. They were open with the details around the embryos and the facts match up completely (romanian egg donor, children born of them, ages, dates, even the RE was the same and it was a practice that only did 16 overseas egg donors that year.) I really believe this is him, and sure enough he has a facebook profile.

If this pregnancy is a success AND I learn that my baby's genetic background is from that batch, I will probably reach out to him in some kind of careful way and ask if they wanted to know what happened to their embryos. If he says no or doesn't respond, that's fine - but I at least want to reach out and offer. They'd have to expect it was possible for this to happen because of how much they were in the media! I'd also want the support of the person who gave these embryos to us who originally got them anonymously. They have a son from this batch and I wouldn't do this without their support and permission.

The wild things we think about using TPR!

melkel559

firesiren said:

I know it's weird but I didn't do pictures of any sort with my donor.  I didn't want to know.  I'll never look for him either.  If I know his name though, curiosity would get the best of me!!!  I know there will be some genetic influence from the donor.  I was never around my father as a child but as an adult, when I spent time with him, it became apparent that I had mannerisms that were so similar.

I think it's cool that we were able to conceive despite my DH not having sperm. I never in a million years thought that we would be doing something like this.  We live in the rural Midwest.  IVF/sperm donor: that's some Lifetime/MTV stuff.   It's pretty conservative here.

 One of my biggest fears is when DH says things like it's not mine. It makes my stomach knot up.   He's just kidding but it makes me nervous. I broke down and asked him not to say that even in joking.    

I totally agree, Firesiren. Although I did get childhood photos of our donor, I now wish I didn't. DH did not want to see them and still hasn't looked at them. I fear that now I'll be looking for traits of our donor in my son's face and that bothers me a little. I think ignorance I bliss. I did it more for my son if he was ever curious. Being adopted myself, I have no pictures of my biological parents and always wondered about who I looked like. DH makes a comment here and there joking about his "inadequate balls" but he refers to the baby as his son/his boy all the time. He has formed an incredible bond with him over the last 9 months and I only expect it to grow after he's born. Genetics aren't everything as we know! It's just something that I am sure we all think about in going through the third party process so great topic to discuss!

stinkerbell6879

I saw adult and childhood pictures of both of the egg donors we have used. I guess because I went with traits that were either similar to me or to my side of the family, it would have been harder to notice as much. Either way I was ok with that, and was just glad that I have had the opportunity to even try to have a child. But yeah if I had a name, etc..it would be very tempting to do some googling etc to get a broader picture of the donor. 

firesiren

melkel559 said:

I know it's weird but I didn't do pictures of any sort with my donor.  I didn't want to know.  I'll never look for him either.  If I know his name though, curiosity would get the best of me!!!  I know there will be some genetic influence from the donor.  I was never around my father as a child but as an adult, when I spent time with him, it became apparent that I had mannerisms that were so similar.

I think it's cool that we were able to conceive despite my DH not having sperm. I never in a million years thought that we would be doing something like this.  We live in the rural Midwest.  IVF/sperm donor: that's some Lifetime/MTV stuff.   It's pretty conservative here.

 One of my biggest fears is when DH says things like it's not mine. It makes my stomach knot up.   He's just kidding but it makes me nervous. I broke down and asked him not to say that even in joking.    

I totally agree, Firesiren. Although I did get childhood photos of our donor, I now wish I didn't. DH did not want to see them and still hasn't looked at them. I fear that now I'll be looking for traits of our donor in my son's face and that bothers me a little. I think ignorance I bliss. I did it more for my son if he was ever curious. Being adopted myself, I have no pictures of my biological parents and always wondered about who I looked like. DH makes a comment here and there joking about his "inadequate balls" but he refers to the baby as his son/his boy all the time. He has formed an incredible bond with him over the last 9 months and I only expect it to grow after he's born. Genetics aren't everything as we know! It's just something that I am sure we all think about in going through the third party process so great topic to discuss!

I think you and I talked about this before.  My DH wanted nothing to do with donor selection at all.  He knows nothing.  I think it was an ego thing.  

You're almost due!!!!!  I'm so excited for you!

melkel559

firesiren said:

melkel559 said:

firesiren said:

I know it's weird but I didn't do pictures of any sort with my donor.  I didn't want to know.  I'll never look for him either.  If I know his name though, curiosity would get the best of me!!!  I know there will be some genetic influence from the donor.  I was never around my father as a child but as an adult, when I spent time with him, it became apparent that I had mannerisms that were so similar.

I think it's cool that we were able to conceive despite my DH not having sperm. I never in a million years thought that we would be doing something like this.  We live in the rural Midwest.  IVF/sperm donor: that's some Lifetime/MTV stuff.   It's pretty conservative here.

 One of my biggest fears is when DH says things like it's not mine. It makes my stomach knot up.   He's just kidding but it makes me nervous. I broke down and asked him not to say that even in joking.    

I totally agree, Firesiren. Although I did get childhood photos of our donor, I now wish I didn't. DH did not want to see them and still hasn't looked at them. I fear that now I'll be looking for traits of our donor in my son's face and that bothers me a little. I think ignorance I bliss. I did it more for my son if he was ever curious. Being adopted myself, I have no pictures of my biological parents and always wondered about who I looked like. DH makes a comment here and there joking about his "inadequate balls" but he refers to the baby as his son/his boy all the time. He has formed an incredible bond with him over the last 9 months and I only expect it to grow after he's born. Genetics aren't everything as we know! It's just something that I am sure we all think about in going through the third party process so great topic to discuss!

I think you and I talked about this before.  My DH wanted nothing to do with donor selection at all.  He knows nothing.  I think it was an ego thing.  

You're almost due!!!!!  I'm so excited for you!

You're right, I'm sure we have over all these months! And thank you, I'm so excited for you as well!! My due date's only 5 days away but who's counting...me...every minute

DoublePortion

We didn't get to see pictures of our embryo donors, but did see pics of their twin boys. The funny thing is if the boys weren't in the same picture you wouldn't know they were brothers! One is slightly darker complected with darker hair and is so serious in the pics while his brother might have an auburn tint to his hair (pics aren't great and they under 1 yr old in them) and looks super mischievous. Plus their facial features are so different. There is no telling what our LOs would look like but it's funny because one baby looks a lot like my mom's baby pics and the other baby looks like he could be a genetic mix of me & DH. I'm glad I didn't get to see pics of the donors or know who they are though. I would definitely have been googling them for the rest of my life, you know, just to keep up with them. lol

As far as having traits from the donors, I am actually excited about that. There are a lot of traits in my family & especially in DH's family that I am happy to not have passed on. FX the donors don't have the traits I'm hoping we're missing out on!!

brooklynesque

I have tons of adult photos of my donor so I am positive I will see her traits in my child(ren). I also figured out who she is (she had some pretty unique bio details) so I found more info, including video, poking around online. (Would never contact her directly, though, only through the agency.) I like her and think she's great and I don't think it will bother me to see her in my kids. But I've had a fair amount of time to become resigned to using someone else's genetics. When I dropped off her donor gift I included a note that said, among other things, that I hoped she would consider meeting any resulting children someday because I bet they'd be proud to share some genetics with her.

All this is a long winded way of saying that my general outlook about this, at least right now, is that I might as well accept the situation, make the best of it, and even have some fun with it.

ArgyleBride

Well, here's my perspective from the other side.  As an egg donor, the clinic assured me that everything was anonymous and the IPs could not find me or know who I am.  However, I know things the clinic does not--specifically, how small my field is.  I knew going into this they would be able to find me, and in fact as a check I just searched the name of my field and my first name--which they know--and my picture is literally the first one on google images.  They have plenty of adult pictures and would know me.  

I could have asked for them to use a different first name, but ultimately decided not to because I want them to be able to find me if they need me.  A genetic something pops up, they are worried about anything, the child wants to find me and the clinic has lost track, whatever.  However, I was also trusting that they would not do this without a reason--obviously I chose to be anonymous and I would hope they respect that, for the most part.  (As a matter of fact, the contract we all signed says we will not search for one another.) If I knew they could see my facebook, I would feel like I was on display, had to perform, needed to fit their vision.  It is too much pressure.  Also, it is not quite fair, as I definitely could not find them.

I have wondered sometimes, what it would be like to run into them, after the baby is born.  They might recognize me, and if they did, I might notice.  My heart fills up just thinking about it. What would it be like for them to see my face in their child?  I cannot know.  For me, it would be lovely--another little reminder of the ultimate gift I gave, that of life.  

Makes me want to be sure I am always pleasant to strangers, just in case it is them and that's the only interaction they ever know me by!

Mrs.McIrish

ArgyleBride said:

>I have wondered sometimes, what it would be like to run into them, after the baby is born.  They might recognize me, and if they did, I might notice.  My heart fills up just thinking about it. What would it be like for them to see my face in their child?  I cannot know.  For me, it would be lovely--another little reminder of the ultimate gift I gave, that of life.  

Makes me want to be sure I am always pleasant to strangers, just in case it is them and that's the only interaction they ever know me by!

OOk, I know this is totally inappropriate but can't resist adding some levity here. Do you guys know that Heart song "All I Want to do is make love to you"--- where the lady has a one night stand (she's married) and get pregnant? "Then it happened one day when we came round the same way, you can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes. please please understand, I'm in love with another man and the one thing he couldn't give me was the one little thing that you could".. Obviously no affairs going on here and it's not the same thing but I do look at younger women who I'd pick "looks wise" to be a donor and would wonder "is that her"... Which is why I'm traveling thousands of miles to not "possibly" run into her!

BeckyP005

My clinic gives us no pictures to look at. I kind of in a very small way wish I could of atleast seen a baby picture. It would be strange to see an adult picture since she is living in Pittsburgh and I would be afraid I would run into her.

Lacyj67

So mine lives within in 30 minutes of me. She is a hairstylist like me and I've always wondered if one day I will run into the only two stores in our whole area to buy color and see her! She won't know me but I will sooo recognize her.
I was able to see a face shot of her with her three year old daughter. I also was able to see another photo of her one year old twin boys with her three year old daughter. I have stared at the only pic I have (the face shot of her with daughter) so many times and just think she looks like the kindest person. I am fair with brown eyes and she has olive skin with brown eyes so I considered that a bonus because maybe my children have a chance to get a decent tan! Hahaha (DH is Irish with blonde hair... eyebrows and all!)

All I know is I really wanted to see a picture of her and don't think I could of moved forward not having one. Her first name is Marie but for some reason she does not look like that name fits her at all so I wonder if that's made up. I would love to meet her one day and for her to meet my children if I have them.

healz413

@Manada already mentioned that we actively sought out sperm donors who had both baby and adult pictures that we could look at. In addition to the physical traits we looked for that would be physically representative of M as we moved away from using her eggs, we looked for essays/interests/etc. that would make our future children proud of their donor and would feel like they fit well with M and me.
I think part of what has shaped our decision to use an open id donor and to see his adult photos is our queerness. Our family won't be "normal" by societal standards regardless and we embrace the queerness of the family we are building. That queerness for us doesn't end with the fact that our kids will have two moms or that we will encourage our kids to be who they are regardless of gender norms. To me, while I can completely understand why many people would prefer to know as little as possible about their donor, one of the things that excites me about the queer family we are building is the potential for extended connections to donor siblings and possibly the donor after our kids are 18. I can totally get how our relationship to this idea is quite different from many folks'. As two queer women, we always knew that no one child we created could be genetically related to both of us so while there has been a lot of things we have had to come to terms with in our journey with infertility (including M and me having to mourn not being able to use M's eggs to get pregnant), the donor sperm was a given from the very start.

LittleLady77

We have ton of photos, videos and have met our donor and her father in person.  She looks nothing like me.  She is super skinny, cute and blond haired blue eyed. I'm curvy, and have more of a classic dark eyes and dark hair look.  Hubby looks more like my donor than me so I'm sure my kids will look nothing like me as well. We could have easily chosen a donor who looked more like me but for us other traits our donor had mattered more.

I want to say I'm totally okay with this and I genuinely think I will be but I just don't know for sure. For me the hardest part about using a DE was the idea that I would never be able to look at my children and see the physical embodiment of myself and my hubby.  I know my kids will grow up with my tendencies, influence and with any luck epigenetics will play a role but there is a small piece missing with the physical.  I know I'll have a day or two to be sad about that but in the long run it's such a small price to pay for getting to carry my child and having a family- I can't really complain.

I'm an amazing internet stalker (my place of employment allows me that little perk) but I won't be looking her up anytime soon or possibly ever.  I'm 100% positive that she could find us if she really wanted to as well but I'm not really concerned about it.  If it did become a problem we do have a contract in place but I don't care if she watches from afar.  She has also told us several times she is okay meeting our kids when they turn 18 and I know I will get to interact with her again when we finally donate our remaining embryos (she wanted to be a part of that). 

Ultimately, for our family open and honest seemed like the best approach but neither party wanted to be permanently connected to the other or have any obligations.  We all just quietly know the others exist and respect boundaries.

sarahjeri

I've thought about this a lot.  We used a known donor, so not only do I have baby & adult pictures of her, I also have pictures of her children, parents and siblings.  I think my daughter looks a lot like my donor's sister.  But it's clear that DH's genes are the dominant ones because she looks a ton like him too.  I recently made a collage using photos of myself, my donor's sister, my donor's middle daughter (who I think looks the most like my daughter), and my daughter and asked a facebook group that I'm part of who they think she looks the most like.  95% of them said me.  And really, if I look at baby pictures, there is definitely resemblance to my husband and donor, but she looks 100% like she has my genetics too... Who knows what medical science will discover about genetics in the future, maybe babies take on more genetics from being carried than we know now.    

On another note, I have a hard time sometimes with people that do know my donor (she and I have been friends since 7th grade so my family and some friends do know her) making comments about how my daughter looks like her.  I know people will compare, (I compared all the time when she was a newborn) I just wish it didn't hurt me to hear it.  I feel like I'm over it, and they should be too I guess.  She's MINE not someone else's.  

Seahawkfan1

That would make me so uncomfortable... I donated my eggs while living in DC, four times. They brought papers to me asking if I wished to give adult photos. I declined. Being an anonymous process such as this I wouldn't want someone adult, or child... Contacting me or looking me up on Facebook.
I declined more so that If I'm walking by in public lets say the parents kept my photo, and showed it to the child. Or the child found it. And the child found me... Not that I wouldn't be willing to meet said children, it's just such a strange situation I guess.
There are sperm donor websites out there for children to connect with each other biologically. I'm sure one day there will be such a website for egg donors as well.
I feel if they can look me up, I should be able to look them up.