Adoptee here - question, please?

northhillsbride

Are there other adoptees on this board? If so, have any of you met your birth parent(s)?

Are there any birth parents here who have met your birth child?

I'm so sorry - but this is going to be long.

In the Spring of 2013, I was contacted by a birth brother who had found a general search post I made on a national site. We exchanged emails for about 3 months where I learned more about my birth mom and family. I also received a call from a representative of Catholic Charities where I was adopted from and had a nice talk with her. In short, this was, indeed, my birth family.

Without  getting too much into it, I had a rush of emotions over those few months - I was also pregnant at the time, which didn't help! Thankfully, my birth brother was very respectful of my uncertianty of my feelings and kind of let me lead the communications. For one reason and another, I ended up not continuing communication. It's definitely all me - it has nothing to do with my birth family.

I recently received a friend request on FB from a family member - I thought it was my brother's wife, so I accepted. After some researching, I now think it's my birth mom. She has not reached out to me.

I'm just not 100% sure of how I feel on any of this! I really wanted to talk to my parents about all of this out of respect for them and I do think they would be supportive of whatever I want. It's just that we live over 600m away from each other and I don't think this is a phone conversation. My Mom stayed with me for 10 days last year when I had my youngest, but again I didn't think that was a great time bc she was there to help me and celebrate her new Gandson. Since then, we've only been together one other time (Christening).

I would eventually like to talk to my birth family more - I haven't learned too much about my birth Mom bc my brother has said that this is her story (the brothers only learned of me a few months before they found me). I don't know what their expectations are, though, and that's the scariest. At the beginning, my brother told me that there was a race to find me from other family members - so I removed my post from the adoption site. Another email (from the wife) said it was great to know that her kids had cousins (and we only lived 1.5 hrs away at the time); yet again, this kind of scared me.

We have since moved due to work obligations and we're 1200 miles away.

I guess, in a LONG-winded way, I'm asking - if you've met your birth parent(s) / child, what were your expectations (and theirs). I have absolutely no resentment - I actually feel sad for how the whole situation transpired back in the 70s. And I've read books re: adoption stories from that generation, which really enlightenend me!

Ugh - I have no idea how to feel!! Any suggestions as to where to go from here?!

Dr.Loretta

Not an adoptee or birthmom, but what you're describing sounds very typical of what I've heard. There are some adoptees here, hopefully they'll chime in soon. Hugs to you.

irismorning

I am an adoptee. However, I have never felt the need to search for birth relatives. I do know that my boys may want to search later, so I have a lot of information saved for them (original birth certificates, SSN of biological mother, etc.). From what I have seen in other new birth family communications, I think that your emotions are completely normal. I will echo PP and say that I think that you should tell your parents. They can be a support for you even long-distance. Best of luck!

plus12012

I am an adoptee and I am also an adoptive parent and have an open adoption for my DD. I found out who my birth mother was about 8 years ago. Our story is kind of complicated so I won't get into all that here but, if you want details you are more than welcome to message me.

I am happy that I know who my birth family is. We don't contact each other often but I know if I wanted to I could. It was great to hear my adoption story from my B-Moms perspective. Psychologically I think it filled a void I didn't even know was there.

Having an open adoption with my DD's birth mom has been great. I know if she has any questions growing up the answers and love will be right there for her from her birth family. They are very respectful and greatful that we are her parents and there is a natural boundary there that has just seemed to work.

northhillsbride

plus12012 said:

Psychologically I think it filled a void I didn't even know was there.

Thank you for taking the time to offer support and feedback, ladies! I'm glad to hear that my unsure feelings are valid. And I'm sorry for you, CharlieFox - that's pretty crummy.

Plus12012, I think you hit the nail on the head! Maybe because I don't know, from BM, what the whole story is, I feel a void. I just want to make sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings through this process.

My husband recommended writing out a letter about all of my feelings and sending it to her, and then seeing how it plays out, so the mught be the most nautral next step here.

I truly appreciate your thoughts and personal stories!

mindaa

I'm a little late... my mom was a BM and her reunion turned out positive. After she was diagnosed with a chronic illness, she thought it was important to share her family's medical history with BD. She kept her expectations at that... probably mostly to protect herself from disappointment. 

That was also the first time she had shared the story with my brother and I, so I think it was a relief to get that out in the open. Well, my mom not only got closure, but ultimately, my half sister and three nephews have become a part of the family and a blessing. Her BP's are out of state, so she spends most holidays with our parents. Unfortunately, I live in a different state than all of them.   

I don't really know the story from my half-sister's side, or how she approached things with her AP's. (now I kind of want to ask her)

Sounds like your birth family is putting some pressure on you, which could definitely be emotional! While the intentions are probably good, it's understandable that you need space and freedom to move forward at your own pace.

seells

I'm adopted. I lurk on this board a lot but hardly ever post.

I'll fill you in on my situation.

I am the 3rd of 5 children to my bm. She was married to the father of my older brothers and while they were seperated met my father and became pregnant. He (allegedly) is/was an awful man. Apparently he wanted to keep me but my bm felt it was best to put me up for adoption. She was in the middle of a divorce, already had 2 children and really couldn't afford another one. She met my adoptive parents 3 days before I was born. So for them it happened really fast!

After placing me up she met her now husband and had 2 more children. We had a open adoption and were in contact for a lot of years. Sometime when I was 8 something got miscommunicated. I remember her telling me she didn't want to have contact with me anymore. She swears I made the decision not to have contact with her. Anyways, we fell out of contact.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago I found my siblings on fb. I messaged them. My 2 younger sisters and I clicked right away. After a few months of fb messaging and texting we met in person. We are now extremely close.

My oldest brother and I have a pretty good relationship. Were friends and enjoy hanging out when I'm in town but we don't talk/text like my sisters and I do.

My second brother and I have met once. He just left the navy and got married so he wasn't around for a lot of the bonding I had with the other siblings. Plus he's just a lot more private in general and doesn't spend as much time with the family.

Seeing my bm again took a long time. I waited for probably 6 months after I reconnected with my sisters to see her. It took me awhile to be ready. But I'm glad I did. We've both agreed to put the past behind us and start fresh. We've talked about the adoption and had our closure with it and now were able move on and get to know each other. It's been really great being able to have this relationship with her.

Plus my mom and bm always got along great so they are excited to be in each other's lives again.

Eventually I will find my BF and his family and would like to get to know them. It's difficult because my BM is against it completely and while I respect her wishes and don't want to reintroduce something that I know was a painful part of her life it will ultimately be my decision.

So looooong story short reconnecting with my birth family has been a wonderful experience for me. Especially with my sisters. The relationship we have is really special to me and I have loved getting to know them. Plus it's been a healing experience for me.

Nuclearcupcake

I'm adopted, I recently found my birth family last summer, mine was a closed adoption but done privately so my mom knew the names of my birth mom and siblings and grandparents. I was raised an only child but I'm actually the 4th of 5 kids. I was the only kid adopted out of the family. It's been interesting. I adore my siblings, I love my grandparents and great grandparents. My mother is taking some getting used to but I love her. All in all I have the best of both worlds a supportive birth family and adopted family. My birth father is still out of the picture and I'm not sure if I want to find him or not.

PrimRoseMama

I am an adoptee. I've never gotten to meet my bio-parents. I never will as both are deceased. I am friends with bio-siblings on FB.

northhillsbride

Thank you for all of the stories - it sounds like all of you are very confident women, and confident in your decisions. You've offered a lot of insight and have given me a lot to think about.

I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to help!

honeybee434

I may be late to the conversation, but I was adopted in a closed adoption. I would wonder about my birth parents, would maybe Google things here or there, but nothing more than that. My birth father reached out to my parents a couple years ago wanting to see if I wanted any contact, and my parents let me know of his communication and also let me know that they would serve as an in-between person if I wanted to have contact but nothing direct. Birth father has a wonderful, tight-knit family now and I have 5 half siblings, and his wife was adopted whens he was young a well. He also let my parents know that my BM had passed away a few years prior. I didn't know what to do about it so I never really did anything until I had a decision I was going to have peace with. I think just slowly over time, and due to some recent health complications that my parents have had lately, I've realized that now that I know ABOUT my birth parents, I just don't have any a need or desire for them to be a part of my life other than that. I'm extremely thankful for the wonderful family I now have because of their choices years ago, but I just don't really want to open up all of the emotions, time, etc, that would go along with not just being in communication with him, but so many other siblings as well. They vary in age quite a bit, with me being the oldest and the youngest still Jr. High age, and just the anticipation of the 'older sister' relationship I don't think I can handle on top of everything else if they did indeed want that type of relationship. Also now that we have an LO on the way, getting my kids involved in the relationships and not just me isn't something that I feel comfortable with. I have a family that is enough and all I could want for me at this point in my life. Sometimes I feel extremely guilty about that, but I know that it's the right thing for me right now.