Holiday Help Please- non supportive family

sapphiremom13

DS (15 months) has a severe dairy allergy. My family got really angry and put out when I asked that coffee with cream and pie with casein and whey ( yup store bought) be consumed at the dinner table rather than in my parents' living room where all the kids were playing. My mom responded that nobody was going to give the baby coffee. Um, I know that, my concern was there were 4 kids ages 15 mos, 3 yrs, 4 yrs and 9 years playing and running around in there and I thought a spill might happen. Then my nephew (4) wanted to walk around while eating a yogurt. I told him he would need to eat it at the table and then wash up after because his cousin could get very sick. My brother got really pissed off and brought him into my mom's office and let him eat it there, then left the spoon and container on the chair. Wtf? Then I asked my mom if my bro had washed nephew off and I was warned not to ask my bro that, he was mad.
The next day I sent bro an email explaining what could happen and all about the Epi pen and what using it means (automatic trip to hospital) I also explained a lot of what our allergist has said to us- in a nice tone, not jerky.
Now my whole family is mad at me and acting like I'm being unreasonable.
If you read this long, go treat yourself to some enjoy life chocolate. Please offer any thoughts/ insight etc.
Thanks!

funchicken

Ugh, that really sucks. Is this the first holiday season where your family is having to adjust to your DS's allergy? DH's family was much more careful than mine until DD had a severe reaction when we were on vacation--it was a wake-up call for them (my parents used to bring peanut products to our house when they visited). Can you talk to your mom about it? Honestly, I wouldn't be comfortable going to family events if they won't take it seriously. DD was diagnosed two years ago, but I remember the first year of dealing with it was really hard.

klyann

Sorry you had to deal with that.  My family is supportive, but I still have to be on high alert with them around. 

DH's grandma is on a mission to give DD peanuts!  She brought over a huge box of chocolates on Thanksgiving as a thank you that she "hand selected".  Well 90% of them were chocolates with peanuts!  The other 10% were obviously off limits as well.  

 We've been on vacation with her several times as well and I swear almost every day she would try to offer DD something with peanuts.  She kept saying "oh yeah, that's right."  She is 91, but come on!

Unless they are there to witness a reaction, I'm not sure they will ever really understand unfortunately.

EmR22

I'm sorry you are going through that.  But they need to get on board and understand that this is a life or death issue.  My family was slow to catch on but not out of lack of trying just not understanding it.

I don't think any of the things you requested at the family gathering were outrageous by any means. You were simply trying to corral an area of bad foods -- heck I've forbidden food at our family gatherings. Do they not understand that people die from allergic reactions? And even after they have had epi-pens.

I would just keep trying to explain the situation and put it in the light that you aren't saying they can't have it but can they just be careful and wash hands etc. It's not like you are doing this to piss them off, this is your new reality and something you deal with on a daily basis and they need to understand that and be willing to make it a little easier for you. Show them articles of kids who have died from being exposed to foods they are allergic to. Nothing like that to sober someone up. 

If they still can't get on board than I would start skipping family functions. It sucks and you guys have to suffer but as you know your child's health is more important.

 

funchicken

I also wanted to add that sometimes family members are unsure of where to start or what they can use as substitutes.  My mom and I modified a whole bunch of her Christmas cookie recipes to make them safe for DD, and she was amazed that with most of them you couldn't tell anything was different.  She loved the Enjoy Life chocolate.  DD reacts to even trace amounts of nuts, and now that my parents have seen how sensitive she is, they really try to be proactive.  We have a family reunion this year, and my mom already told everyone the event needs to be nut-free.  Now that she's on board, she's a big help, but it took her some time to adjust to the changes.

sapphiremom13

Thanks everyone! I basically told my mother that it's dairy at the table and that's non negotiable for us. If they won't agree, then we won't be there, plain and simple.
This is our first real holiday season going through it. Last year DS was only 3 months- so not mobile and not eating. Plus, we didn't find out that he reacts strongly through contact as well until after the holidays.
Anyway, how do you guys deal with larger gatherings where the allergen is going to be in everything? Honestly, we are thinking of skipping out on one where I know there will be cheese trays, dips, etc on coffee tables. I don't want the stress if trying to watch a curious 15 month old every.single.second. But again, my mother had me thinking I'm being unreasonable- I know I'm not, but would you consider skipping out on something where there will be a lot of people?

funchicken

We do go to larger gatherings where the allergen is present, but DD is much older than your son.  She won't eat anything without asking us if it's safe, and if someone tries to give her something she tells them about her allergy and asks us to check it.  She has had local reactions at these types of events a few times (local hives, itchy eyes), but I give her benadryl if that happens.  I want her to feel like she can participate in things as long as we're careful.

Your DS is really young, so it would really depend on the gathering for me.  For Thanksgiving my SIL cleared out all nut items, and she and my MIL made everything from scratch to avoid cross-contamination.  My MIL arrived a few days early, so they could clean really well, too.  It was so nice, and I would do the same if one of my nieces or nephews had a severe allergy.  I let DD have free reign there.  Something like a friend's birthday party with all kinds of questionable bakery stuff and snacks--DH and I are like the most helicoptery parents you can imagine  

Edit: typo

Bat_Ish_Crazy

We have some family that go out of their way to make sure everything served is safe ... those are the best events for us.  We get to feel like a normal family instead of freaks of nature. 

We have other family that just doesn't completely get it ... we generally just helicopter at those events, but our allergen (peanuts) is easier to avoid than yours is.  If I didn't feel she was safe, I would leave.  I would explain why we have to leave - hopefully that would set the expectation for future gatherings.  

It's unfortunate when family doesn't get it ... I know one day DD is going to understand that some events are safer than others, and I worry that she is going to get her feelings hurt when she realizes that some people go out of their way to keep her safe and others don't. 

LibbyVille

I am so sorry. My family has become more supportive with time. I think it took them a while to really come to terms with DD's milk allergy. It gets easier. Now that DD is 2.5 she is really aware of her allergy and always asks me if a new food is "soy" (her word for milk free). Parties were really scary at that age. Maybe have a heart to heart with them during a less stressful time (not a holiday party). Share your fears and be totally honest about how scary it can be for allergy parents.