I hope to God everyone had a good thanksgiving. Mine was a relatively decent time, despite family drama from my mother. My dad, who lives downstairs from us, was literally too sick to come upstairs to eat, so I was sending him broth throughout the day. Meanwhile, my mom was upstairs (before my siblings arrived) helping me do last minute things around the house and eating the guacamole. We have our twins urns and their picture frame in the living room, and of course she had gone over to look at their things. I had originally debated leaving their things out, but thought better of it. This is their family, as well, and they should be part of the 'festivities'.
On one of the occasions where I had taken broth to my dad, upon my return upstairs, she asked me if she could take a picture with her phone of the twins. I told her I was not comfortable with that, but maybe in the future she could. Instead of understanding, she said she 'understood but they were her grandbabies'. Of course this brought instant tears and made me really upset. She asked me why, and I told her because I said so (felt good to use it on her lol). I also told her I wasn't comfortable and I don't need to give her a reason. They are my children, and that trumps the grandparents. If she really understood, to do a better job of it, and that I don't want to see their picture on Facebook or anywhere online. Personally, I also don't want her to be showing her friends or whatever. Unfortunately, she has no sense of what's appropriate and what isn't. On top of other things she said and did to annoy me yesterday, this was really at the top of hurtful.
I couldn't sleep well last night. I went to bed before 10, but didn't sleep until 3 am or so. I had so many racing thoughts. I thought about the twins, how much I love and miss them. I thought about seeking professional help to deal with my grief. I decided to join a support group. I wondered when would be appropriate to ttc, I wondered if I was honoring my babies, and if I even wanted more children. I acknowledge that I am afraid of the future. I'm worried that if we try to conceive in the future that nothing will come of it. I question absolutely everything and prayed for what seemed like forever. Next weekend would have been our baby shower, and I wonder how I'll be as the date approaches. I don't know what anything holds, not even today. I'm sorry for the novel but I did have much on my mind.
On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!
Phoebe Jaslene born at 19w3d. We love you beba!