advice needed

zoeylove

My MIL wants to get to know me and share some quality time together and go to my doctor appts. with me. Great right? Well not exactly for me .... this is leading to fights with my husband....we don't typically fight we squabble but this has been leading to all out fights.....let me give a little bit of history and then you guys can tell me if I am being a selfish wench or do I have a leg to stand on. First, it is not like hubby & I just met .....we dated for 8 years, married in May 2013, and now I am pregnant 21 weeks. In my opinion, she should already know me and this shouldn't be the first time she is trying to get to know me. I think she is just scared she wont see the baby as much as she would like which is entirely not true. Second, his mother and I have never been the best of friends ... I am always polite for hubby's sake (he is an only child & his father wasn't in his life until very recently so his mother plays a very important role in his life) but his mother is bipolar and I have a hard time dealing with the ups & downs of her personality ... I only can tolerate being around her if hubby is there to moderate so to speak. I can not have a normal conversation with her because she is all over the place with thoughts etc. Third, I thought that the wedding planning might bring us a little closer but in fact did the exact opposite. She was very difficult during this process and really made everything about her and very difficult for hubby, me, and my family who paid for everything. Anyway, we obviously made it through this and moved on. However, my parents do not get along well with her because of everything she did during this process ... even threatening not to go to her sons wedding. They lost any respect they may have had for her at this point. Fourth, my mother is older (76 & sick ... diabetic with kidney disease) her days are not guaranteed but a blessing. She goes to all my appts with me as a support person which I really enjoy and appreciate. My husband does not usually go to these appts. because of our schedules...he would need to take the day off & doesn't get paid if he does. My mother always comes in the room with me because I am like a child when it comes to hospitals and waiting in those rooms by myself. My hubby doesn't get that these appts. can very private/personal with poking & prodding & undressing & personal health info. I really want my mother there and don't want my MIL there but if I was to appease my hubby and allow his mother to come....I think it would more stressful for me and very awkward. I wouldn't be able to have my mom come in the room with me without allowing MIL in & I wouldn't want both mom and MIL in there. Fifth, she is not reliable. She says one thing one day and changes it another so who knows if she would even be willing to go when time actually came. So my last fight with hubby, I told him that I would let her come to my appt. if he took the day off and went with us. That way I would still have the support I needed for the appt. without the stress. He could come in the room with me & she could wait in the waiting room. He feels that I am being selfish by putting my foot down on this. I told him we could do lunch or something to "get to know me" but she has made excuse after excuse to not attend these....so I really believe it more about going to the appts than getting to know me. Sorry for the book but what do you guys think? What is the best way to handle this situation without cause world war 3 ?

jgreig83

Honestly, it is your family and your body. If you do not feel comfortable sharing this stuff with her then I feel you have the right to say No. Maybe you can come by and show her the ultrasound pictures and give her a chance to tell you what it was like for her to pregnant with DH. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your own mother there and not his. Good Luck!

SweetTea420

Wow your MIL sounds just like mine! She is bipolar but lives out of state (at least for now). She also threatened not to come to our wedding and messed with the planning.

Maybe just say you're not comfortable with anybody coming to doctors appointments except for your husband and your mother. She really can't argue with that because it's personal. Make sure your husband is keeping her updated with your progress and send u/s pics.

mcgeeva

My mil is very much the same and dh is also an only child with really no family. I have no relationship with my inlaws unless it's a short visit. When I had ds I had a ton of issies and was on strict bedrest after preterm labor and my mil decided she wanted to go to my apt. It was a nightmare! She question my doctors judgment and would call daily to discuss my bp then tell me I was Doing things wrong and to call my doctor and do what she said. Caused a ton of issues with dh and I. They also do not have a great relationship. Lesson learned keep things the way you are she prob had psycho motives. My son is now 20 months.. For someone who wanted to be so involved had seen him maybe 5 times, held him twice and that's it. She will never be allowed alone with him and is zero help to us. She is bipolar, and alcoholic and smokes like a chimney. So what you think is best but if it just will cause more arguments with dh and you.. Then don't go there.

krisfits

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Your time at the doctor should be as comfortable as possible, and you should be able to share that experience with your mother if you choose (especially if time with her is limited!) 

How about this - find a diplomatic way to explain to your MIL that the time at your appointments with your mom means a lot, and that, while you enjoy her company (white lie?), three is a crowd at the doctor. Offer to do a regular lunch with her, or some other type of "bonding" that is just you and the MIL. If she has a track record of taking control over your plans I would avoid offering to go baby shopping or anything where your decisions and opinion will be potentially muted. Things like lunch or coffee breaks are pretty even turf.

MILs can be a blessing or a curse (sometimes both!). I hope you find a way to navigate the relationship without losing your mind! Good luck!! 

cMichelle0423

I think you should try to put things in perspective for your hubby.... like give him comparative examples of how the idea of your mil being with you at your appt would be uncomfortable. For example, you could say, "how would you feel if my mother wanted to try to get to know you better by attending a prostate exam with you?" Make him understand how it makes you feel.

Then maybe the 3 of you can get together and talk about it. Let them know you feel like her coming with you crosses certain boundaries. My MIL will have to take me to a couple of my appts and she knows that she can only go as far as the waiting room. Just let them both know that everyone needs to compromise and get on the same page. If she wants to get to know you better, then she needs to put in a better effort in doing so. But if her concern is really all about not seeing the baby when he/she is born, then reassure her that you plan to include her in the baby's life. Just communicate! Eventually someone will give up and give in if you stand your ground. Good luck!! Mil can be very hard to deal with sometimes! Especially if your hubby is very close to her. I go through the same stuff with mine!!

Avion22

I agree with the other posters -- medical appointments are a very personal and private thing.  In my opinion, it was rude of her to even ASK to go with you.  Who does that?  Anyway, if you don't want her there, or don't feel 100% comfortable with her there, then she doesn't get to be there.  End of discussion.

Also?  I'm not sure what your doctor's office is like, but at mine the exam rooms are barely big enough for H to come with me, and he's always moving out of the way.  Three would DEFINITELY be a crowd.  

Excitedmum35

Oh dear that's totally overstepping the line. I kind of understand tho- my oldest daughter has bipolar as did her father and grandmother. I now cannot have anything to do with my daughter as she is way too abusive and manipulative, her father committed suicide and his mother sounds like your mother in law.
1. Your husband is lucky you're willing to have anything to do with her- I know the illness isn't get fault but the issues that come with it are very draining and stressful
2. Your husbands upbringing must have been very stressful for him and I think it's very likely that growing up with that he may not understand that what she is asking is completely out of the question and really an irrational thing to ask.
3. If he really can't see your point if view I would recommend going to a family counsellor with him to discuss it as this probably won't be the first time u butt heads over her.
Good luck, and I'm sorry u have to deal with that.

zoeylove

thank you ladies I definitely needed some objective opinions on this. I will look into the elective ultra sound ..... I am hoping I really made my point clear to hubby on our last fight but we will see how it goes.

InLovewSB

Routine appointments are boring with long waits. I'm surprised you even take your mom. I wait like two hours for my five minute doctor visit with just a measurement and heartbeat.

I totally agree with you about not taking your MIL. It's your appointment and your body. Having a baby inside doesn't change that. And I would completely NOT make some special ultrasound for her to attend. To me, this is setting bad precedent - you don't want to bend over backwards for her. She will have plenty of time with the baby when it is born, and until then, it's in your friggin womb so she can deal with not being in on the action... unless she wants a share of the hemorrhoids and cramps and ligament pains and labor.  We both know if you start bringing her, then every time you're together it'll be 'reminding' you everything the doctor said in the appointments, nothing to do with spending quality time together.

zoeylove

I take my mom because I have this weird stress/fear of hospitals & doctor appts. and end up crying over stupid shit that wouldn't even phase most people. I don't know why this is it just has always been. But my mother being there helps me not do this just by being there and chatting with me about stuff ... I also have a lot more tests and stuff because of my age so have ended up having more ultrasounds than younger moms to be. I am a freak in some ways haha

jessib10

I think you're doing your best, don't feel bad for putting your foot down. Maybe you should tell her directly why you don't want her in the room with you (mention the undressing for exams) and she may understand better. Maybe invite her to do something else baby related. Some suggested elective ultrasounds or maybe shopping for the baby.

Jellyfish42

*lurker*

Honestly, I think you have more of a leg to stand on than your husband at this point. OB appts are not entertaining shows for MILs enjoyment (or anyone else that you don want there.) They are medical appointments. A doctor will be seeing you and advising you and examining you. Why would MIL or more importantly, your DH think it was even okay to suggest you let her tag along? Next time he says something about it, tell him, "sure she can go, if you schedule an appt with your dr for a prostate exam, and let my mother go." Because, at least in my opinion, it is that personal and private of a thing.

tnd1218

OB appointments are off limits. I take who I feel comfortable taking no questions asked. My H has never questioned that and even told his mother I didn't feel comfortable with her in the room while I was delivering. He needs to understand that it's your body and your health being exposed. Ask him if he would feel comfortable taking your mom with him to his next prostate exam. You have every right to say you do not want her there.

Valie18

I'm with you on this one. My MIL is nuts too. She pulled the same stunt threatening not to come to our wedding because she thought I had turned evil or something... long story. We even had the conversation this Summer that she feels like she should get to know me to which I responded, "Really? I've known you for eight years."

DH comes to my appointments, but his work is considering letting him roll his personal days over to next year and then my Mom will come to my midwife appointments instead. I would NEVER consider having MIL there. I don't need her to know those kinds of details.

DH and I are talking about inviting the future grands to the AS. We don't get the results until the following appointment so it's mostly a chance for us all to see the LO. Would that be an option for you?

KariB509

I personally think it's odd that your MIL wants to come to your appts and your DH thinks that she should.  At my last appointment, my OB was in the room for LITERALLY no more than two minutes.  He measured my belly, listened for the heartbeat, asked if I had any questions and was gone.  It would have pointless for anyone to be there with me.  Stand firm with your DH and say you don't want her coming because you don't feel comfortable having her present for medical appointments and remind him how easy the vast majority of the appointments are.