Getting Along with Teenage Stepkids

dmndsr4eva

I know a lot of the people on here have young step kids.  And if you do count it as a blessing, trust me.  For the second time now I am engaged to man with teenagers who were already teenagers when I came into the picture.  I am having once again a difficult time with daddy's girl deciding she no longer likes me.  I saw a text she sent to her dad that said she was sorry but that she doesn't like me.  To be quite honest I've been down this road before and I pretty much expected it to happen.  She doesn't like me because I am treating her dad poorly in her eyes I guess.  Of course he discusses everything with her so for a variety of reasons she knows that he was texting other women inappropriately.  So how she manages to decide I am the bad guy is beyond me.  So I was fine with all of it as I have seen her a few times lately and she did talk to me so it wasn't like she is completely ignoring me or anything.  The final straw that brought me to write this post is I am having a party for my 4 year old son.  I made an event on facebook and she actually removed herself from the event.  Seriously, she can't be bothered to be invited to my 4 year old son's birthday party.  OMG, I cannot believe I am dealing with this same bull shit again.

dmndsr4eva

Oh and she isn't a teenager anymore.  She was 18 when we met and now she is 20.

dmndsr4eva

You may  recall she is the lap sitter.  I know she will forever hold a grudge because I'm sure she knows I am the one who asked her dad to not have her sitting on his lap in public.

+just+j+

She's a teen. Your the adult. While i totally understand, it is critical you set aside your emitions ans act the adult. Chances are she will hate ANYONE her dad chooses.

dmndsr4eva

+just+j+ said:

She's a teen. Your the adult. While i totally understand, it is critical you set aside your emitions ans act the adult. Chances are she will hate ANYONE her dad chooses.

Yep, I totally agree.  I explained this to him but I can already tell this is starting to be a repeat of my last relationship.  I explained to him this dislike is inevitable and hopefully it will eventually get better.  But I can tell that he is already blaming me for everything. 

+just+j+

So HE has an issue?

ambrvan

He is in the wrong in so many ways. Don't let him blame you for stuff that you cannot control. Him blaming you for anything after cheating/text-cheating on you is unacceptable unless you have gone out there and done something to get back at him.

He ought to be kidding your butt left and right at this moment. And if he is just looking for more ways to make problems your fault, then he is not worth it. He doesn't sound vested in this relationship. And believe me, if you were reading my posts when my H and I were going through such a rough time last year and beginning of this one, you know I am not one to give up our tell anyone to give up on a relationship. But he had to want to make changes and make things better, too. Not just you.

That being said, I know you are still trying to make things work. Can I recommend that you read The Love Dare? It is a Christian marriage challenge, but even if you are not a Christian, it has some brilliant lessons on love and marriage. It helped me change my marriage, and my H was not all that vested in it at the time either.

And if at the end of the challenge, this are still bad, you will know you have truly tried and some your part. Please just check it out out. You can actually find the daily "dares" online if you Google them.

+just+j+

I think you need to read "He's Just Not That Into You". Seriously. Its like he keeps shoving reasons in front of you to break up with him.

KTdidit

Or you could just watch the movie. As we've all said before, stop fighting to save these awful relationships and just focus on healing yourself first. Then the right guy will come and you will have enough self respect to recognize a good one from a bad one!

dmndsr4eva

I guess my question was whether no not anyone has had a difficulty getting a long with their stepkids.  Yes, I understand that you all want me to break up with my FI but right now I was just looking to hear that I am not the only one who's experienced difficulty with the kids but I guess it sounds like I am the only one??

dmndsr4eva

+just+j+ said:

I think you need to read "He's Just Not That Into You". Seriously. Its like he keeps shoving reasons in front of you to break up with him. 

So apparently in every relationship that I am in it is my responsiblity to determine they do not want to be with me?  And it is up to me to break up with them.  Wow, I had no idea that is how life works.  I thought the person who wanted to leave the relationship would be man enough to come forward and say it to my face.  Nothing in life is easy is it?  Not even getting a guy to break up with me.  lol.

CurlyQ284

I dont have teen stepkids but with any teens my philosophy is to give them lots of space and try not to take it personally. Teens hate the world, they'll get over it.

+just+j+

Yep. You're the only one. Right Wendi, Mary, and Littlejen?

+just+j+

If you are looking for sympathy in your situation, you are not getting it here because hhiw in the helll do you expect her to respect you and like you when HE clearly DOES NOT !!??

dmndsr4eva

wendilea said:

You are not the only one to experience difficulty.  However, my teen step kids are in the same age range as my teen bio kids, so we deal with it a little differently.  Also, you are not a step mom.  You are dad's girlfriend.  Until he actually gets married to you, you are not their mom.  Even then, I would assume a more friendship role than trying to parent someone who is nearly the same age as you.

The man is confiding in his 20 year old daughter private adult things.  This is yet another red flag.  He's probably confided all the issues you have had, which of course is going to turn her against you.   And then he'll have his excuse to dump you - it's just too hard on his kids.

I know you are right here.  I've known it all along that he had a weird and inappropriate relationship with his daughter.  It is just so hard for me to determine what is normal because I do not have a relationship with my own father.  But to know that they talk about intimate and adult things does rub me the wrong way. The things she speaks to him about she should be talking to her mom or her friends about.  She treats him like he is her teenage buddy.  I'm all for dad's being close with their kids but I've known since the beginning his boundries with her were not in the right place.

+just+j+

So what are you going to DO about it dmnds? Continue to wring your hands or are you going to actually end a relationship that you see as unhealthy on so many levels?

SueBear

No, your BF is not going to break up with you, even if he is not invested in the relationship.  He can have all of the benefits of a girlfriend with you (someone to hang out with on weekends, available sex) without the responsibilities of a relationship (giving up sexting other women, having boundries with his kids).

You keep searching for people to say "yes, my SO treats me like sh*t, just like yours!   It's just the way men are!  They cheat, they allow their kids to treat their girlfriends like cr*p....." but not all men are like that.  You need to break up with this guy, get therapy or read some self-help books, work on yourself and your own issues (ex), and set higher standards for yourself.  The world will not implode if you aren't attached to a man.  Reconnect with your gfs, get a hobby, dedicate yourself to your work....stop investing in a relationship that is going nowhere (and even if you have a ring, the relationship is going nowhere).   

Just as an aside - - why would a 20 year old go to the party of a 4 yo?  It is not fun for a 20 year old, and the two are not related. 

dmndsr4eva

SueBear said:

No, your BF is not going to break up with you, even if he is not invested in the relationship.  He can have all of the benefits of a girlfriend with you (someone to hang out with on weekends, available sex) without the responsibilities of a relationship (giving up sexting other women, having boundries with his kids).

You keep searching for people to say "yes, my SO treats me like sh*t, just like yours!   It's just the way men are!  They cheat, they allow their kids to treat their girlfriends like cr*p....." but not all men are like that.  You need to break up with this guy, get therapy or read some self-help books, work on yourself and your own issues (ex), and set higher standards for yourself.  The world will not implode if you aren't attached to a man.  Reconnect with your gfs, get a hobby, dedicate yourself to your work....stop investing in a relationship that is going nowhere (and even if you have a ring, the relationship is going nowhere).   

Just as an aside - - why would a 20 year old go to the party of a 4 yo?  It is not fun for a 20 year old, and the two are not related. 

So just to humor me what would a good man do about his daughter not liking his girlfriend?

CurlyQ284

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CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva said:

wendilea said:

You are not the only one to experience difficulty.  However, my teen step kids are in the same age range as my teen bio kids, so we deal with it a little differently.  Also, you are not a step mom.  You are dad's girlfriend.  Until he actually gets married to you, you are not their mom.  Even then, I would assume a more friendship role than trying to parent someone who is nearly the same age as you.

The man is confiding in his 20 year old daughter private adult things.  This is yet another red flag.  He's probably confided all the issues you have had, which of course is going to turn her against you.   And then he'll have his excuse to dump you - it's just too hard on his kids.

I know you are right here.  I've known it all along that he had a weird and inappropriate relationship with his daughter.  It is just so hard for me to determine what is normal because I do not have a relationship with my own father.  But to know that they talk about intimate and adult things does rub me the wrong way. The things she speaks to him about she should be talking to her mom or her friends about.  She treats him like he is her teenage buddy.  I'm all for dad's being close with their kids but I've known since the beginning his boundries with her were not in the right place.

If you know this, then why are you still with him?  It is NEVER ok to discuss your relationship with your child.  Ever.  Stop trying to "fix" something that is clearly never going to change.  Your FI and his daughter are perfectly content in their gross relationship with each other, so walk away.  He laid the groundwork to cheat on you and you're still there.  You're are becoming a doormat and you deserve more than that.  The daughter doesn't respect you because your FI has shown everyone that HE doesn't respect you.

CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva said:

SueBear said:

No, your BF is not going to break up with you, even if he is not invested in the relationship.  He can have all of the benefits of a girlfriend with you (someone to hang out with on weekends, available sex) without the responsibilities of a relationship (giving up sexting other women, having boundries with his kids).

You keep searching for people to say "yes, my SO treats me like sh*t, just like yours!   It's just the way men are!  They cheat, they allow their kids to treat their girlfriends like cr*p....." but not all men are like that.  You need to break up with this guy, get therapy or read some self-help books, work on yourself and your own issues (ex), and set higher standards for yourself.  The world will not implode if you aren't attached to a man.  Reconnect with your gfs, get a hobby, dedicate yourself to your work....stop investing in a relationship that is going nowhere (and even if you have a ring, the relationship is going nowhere).   

Just as an aside - - why would a 20 year old go to the party of a 4 yo?  It is not fun for a 20 year old, and the two are not related. 

So just to humor me what would a good man do about his daughter not liking his girlfriend?

A good man would say, "If you cannot respect my girlfriend, then you need to stay away."  No one is saying the kids have to like you.  Hell, growing up I didn't like my own parents most of the time.  But I showed them respect.  

You're talking about a 20 year old here, not an 8 year old.  At 20 it's perfectly acceptable to tell a child, "Show some respect or GTFO."  <---- That right there is what a good man would do.

Sigir

To me, it seems like the 20 year old is the only one acting like an adult in this situation. Her dad has told her that he is cheating. So she knows this relationship is not going to last. So she is doing the responsible thing and removing herself from your sons life, because that is best for him.

I feel bad for the 20 year old, surrounded by adults who aren't acting like it! She seems like the only one who might have her head on right!

CurlyQ284

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CFjo2010

CFjo2010

Littlejen22

Your FI allowing a 20yo to sit on his lap and share intimate details with et is CREEPY, why would you want to have sex with that? And didn't he actually physically cheat? Why did you downplay it above to say he talked to other women, no he had SEX with them!

karatechrissy

I was the 20 yr old daughter when my dad had shitty girlfriends. I didn't like any of them. Well, I did, until he told me something unsavory about them or he complained about them. From that time on I was team daddy and eff those other biotches. I never had the disillusion my parents were getting back together or anything, I just chose to dislike them and not give them a break when they screwed up. My dad? He was my dad. Of course I could overlook his douchiness... He's my dad. Always will be. YOU, are disposable. And that is why you are fighting a losing battle. You won't win. She will never like you. Accept it, be cordial, and move on.

SueBear

I would expect a good man to tell his daughter "You don't have to like my girlfriend, but you need to be respectful and polite around her.  I love you, but I also love my girlfriend, and I expect the two of you to get along on the few occasions where you have to see each other."

I personally would never force my (when they are) adult children to like my SOs, and I would not give them ultimatiums, but I would expect courtesy and respect from them. 

I would also expect a good man NOT to share intimate details of our relationship with ANYONE!  His daughter, his parents, his ex, his best friend....NO ONE!  He should realize our relationship is special and between us.

dannie2011

The same thing any parent tells their kids. They don't have to like you but they are expected to be respectful.  A good father would not bother his child with adult problems period. 

 As I'm the BM here not a stepmother, of a 22, 20, 18 and 16 yr old who are step kids to my Husband, they are very respectful, we went through some eye rolling from the oldest boy and that was put to a stop.

 Since we now also have a 2 yr old and another on the way I agree with the other comment that 20 yr old could care less about a 4 yrs old birthday. Now this of course will vary from kid to kid, but they truly are all about themselves. 

It's not unheard of for a daughter to tell her father things a mother would normally hear, or girlfriends but combined with the other crap that goes on between them I would run far and fast from him. 

Some people don't like to be alone and will stay in a bad relationship till the other person breaks it off, or they actually find someone who they think is better.  It's too bad you can't see what everyone else here sees. 

CurlyQ284

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Lavender P

Can I just ask what it is that you like/love about your boyfriend? I'm so confused as to why you expend any energy on a relationship that seems to offer no benefits. I might have issues with my SS and most of the time with his BM, but not with my DH. DH handles the issue well and has always ensured that SS knows he will treat me with respect. Things may change as he becomes a teen, but it will be a cold day in hell before DH ever let his child be disrespectful to me.
Your future SD doesn't have to like you but she should at the very least be civil.

coopsbaby

Another BM here, to a 21, 18 and 16 year old. There is no way I would allow any of my kids to be disrespectful to DH. But here's the thing. He doesn't care. He does not give one flying fuck how you feel. He doesn't respect you, treats you like crap and cheats on you. Why in the hell are you focusing on his adult child not wanting to go to a birthday party. There is so much wrong in this relationship, and this is the LEAST of your problems.

dmndsr4eva

Lavender P said:

Can I just ask what it is that you like/love about your boyfriend? I'm so confused as to why you expend any energy on a relationship that seems to offer no benefits. I might have issues with my SS and most of the time with his BM, but not with my DH. DH handles the issue well and has always ensured that SS knows he will treat me with respect. Things may change as he becomes a teen, but it will be a cold day in hell before DH ever let his child be disrespectful to me. Your future SD doesn't have to like you but she should at the very least be civil.

Well the things that drew me to him were that he claimed he was a christian, trust worthy, hard working, good father, desire to raise a family again, handsome, educated, well rounded in some areas.  I still believe he is a lot of those things.  He did not sleep with another woman.  Some how this all came to light before that occured.  He was flirting but it didn't get to the point of actual sex or kissing.  Primarly because the one woman he was flirting with the most was in the same situation with him engaged and considering also leaving her fiance.  So I think they both were keeping things somewhat on hold until it was decided how their respective relationships were going to pan out.  The only reason I am staying is because I still believe he is the good things about him and I believe that in a lot of ways I pushed him away because I was clinging to my ex.  The good news is I can say with certainy I am over my ex 100% now and ready to move on with my life.  Since this is a recent turn of events I am willing to give this relationship a go at 100% and see where it goes.  I don't think it is going to kill me to give it one more try.

dannie2011

You are in love with the idea of him, all the things he told you, the things you thought he was. You are seeing the  true him now. 

He won't be anything else but what you are now seeing. 

Stop making excuses for his cheating, emotional cheating is still cheating. If he didn't get caught how much longer before he ended up in her bed. 

He had a choice to leave you if he felt your relationship was over, he chose the coward way sneaking around. 

nurrieum

You can't build happiness on the back of bitterness. This relationship appears really.unhealthy, which leads me to think you have yet to recover from your biggest relationship let down.
You deserve love, this isn't what that looks like. Love is far more than the honeymoon periods when this guy pretends to care.
There's a reason few have answered your original question, its because that isn't the problem. you are worth someone who genuinely cares but it appears you don't value yourself enough to see that.
You can't build real happiness on the back of your wounds. It won't work. There's bigger issues here, bigger than your relationship with this man. He's a symptom of the disease of not loving yourself. You can get rid of him sure but what's stopping you from finding another
Him. This sounds overly critical but I mean it with kindness, you deserve the happiness you seek but you won't find it on this road.
What's your best outcome here? You can't magically change this man? He already doesn't value your feelings so he's not going to wake up and love you enough to be differ
him.

nattyncbride

Being 100% over your ex doesn't mean you are ready to be in a relationship.  Take a deep breath, and know you'll be OK, even better, alone for a while.  It might be hard at first, but it will be worth it, not just to you, but to your son.

xmaryrickx

Here's the thing. She will never respect you if he doesn't, and through his action towards you and his actions in regards to her (telling her intimate details of your relationship) he clearly doesn't respect you. And he shows her that every single time he shares details of your relationship with you. She will never like you. Ever. And maybe, if you met her outside of your relationship with her father she would like you. But your FI has ruined any chance of that happening. You and her are never going to get along. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, and I know it sucks.

I am sure that you saw him straying and realized your mistakes (though the only person at fault when someone cheats is the cheater) and have made great strides towards being more present in your relationship, and less focused on your ex. BUT he has shown you over and over again. If you want to continue this relationship, you should seek coupled therapy, and solo. Him included, because he surely doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship.

Lavender P

dmndsr4eva said:

Lavender P said:

Can I just ask what it is that you like/love about your boyfriend? I'm so confused as to why you expend any energy on a relationship that seems to offer no benefits. I might have issues with my SS and most of the time with his BM, but not with my DH. DH handles the issue well and has always ensured that SS knows he will treat me with respect. Things may change as he becomes a teen, but it will be a cold day in hell before DH ever let his child be disrespectful to me.
Your future SD doesn't have to like you but she should at the very least be civil.

Well the things that drew me to him were that he claimed he was a christian, trust worthy, hard working, good father, desire to raise a family again, handsome, educated, well rounded in some areas.  I still believe he is a lot of those things.  He did not sleep with another woman.  Some how this all came to light before that occured.  He was flirting but it didn't get to the point of actual sex or kissing.  Primarly because the one woman he was flirting with the most was in the same situation with him engaged and considering also leaving her fiance.  So I think they both were keeping things somewhat on hold until it was decided how their respective relationships were going to pan out.  The only reason I am staying is because I still believe he is the good things about him and I believe that in a lot of ways I pushed him away because I was clinging to my ex.  The good news is I can say with certainy I am over my ex 100% now and ready to move on with my life.  Since this is a recent turn of events I am willing to give this relationship a go at 100% and see where it goes.  I don't think it is going to kill me to give it one more try.

There were two main things that stuck out in what you posted. First, you said one of the reasons you love him is that he is trustworthy. He has proven to you through his actions that isn't true.

Second, you indicated that he was talking to another woman who was considering leaving her fiancé also. If your boyfriend was considering leaving you that isn't just aome flirty texts like you stated previously; that is a full blown affair. Whether they had sex or not, they were emotionally involved. I get that you want to be with him and are trying to find ways to make it work, but relationships take two people to make it a success and he ha shown you repeatedly he isn't really trying.

doglove

Does she still sit on his lap? 

JoJo+Leo

Do you care at all about your son seeing how your FI treats you and being affected by it?

CFjo2010

JoJo+Leo said:

Do you care at all about your son seeing how your FI treats you and being affected by it?

Yup, this ^^^

Not only is FI showing his daughter that she doesn't have to respect you, but you are allowing this man to show your SON that he doesn't have to respect women.