Babies on the Brain
CowgirlK39
member
Options
DHs job preventing life progress
CowgirlK39
member
I would like to get everyone's opinions on here, because I rather like this group and think you all can give me some perspective. My DH works a seasonal job at a local auto racing track. When he is in season, which is April to early October, he works massive amounts of hours. But in the winter, he is laid off and gets a small unemployment check every week. I have told him that we really cannot afford for him to not work over the winter but nothing ever happens.
The problem is that he loves his job. The pay sucks and in order to bring home a decent check, he has to work long days with no rain-outs, but he really enjoys it. The job has no PTO, which may seem bad but works in his favor. If he can't come in or needs to come in late, he does what he wants. He is also a volunteer fireman, and if he gets a call he can just go, no questions asked ( unless he is working an event, then he cannot go).
I'm getting annoyed because this job is not a career and not something that can support a family but he refuses to consider anything else. I have had friends and family approach me and tell me he needs to get a better job (I'm not sure how this is their business but whatever) and when I tell him this he just shrugs. We want to buy a home but we cannot do it if he stops bringing in income for six months, and no house = no baby. I just feel like he would rather have all these perks for himself than sacrifice it for our future or a child. Anytime I try to tell him this job isn't enough, he either makes a stupid joke to deflect it, or says "I will never have a big career like you have and you need to just accept that." How do I make him see how this affects us? Is it wrong for me to expect him to work somewhere he doesn't *love* in order to support our life goals?
The problem is that he loves his job. The pay sucks and in order to bring home a decent check, he has to work long days with no rain-outs, but he really enjoys it. The job has no PTO, which may seem bad but works in his favor. If he can't come in or needs to come in late, he does what he wants. He is also a volunteer fireman, and if he gets a call he can just go, no questions asked ( unless he is working an event, then he cannot go).
I'm getting annoyed because this job is not a career and not something that can support a family but he refuses to consider anything else. I have had friends and family approach me and tell me he needs to get a better job (I'm not sure how this is their business but whatever) and when I tell him this he just shrugs. We want to buy a home but we cannot do it if he stops bringing in income for six months, and no house = no baby. I just feel like he would rather have all these perks for himself than sacrifice it for our future or a child. Anytime I try to tell him this job isn't enough, he either makes a stupid joke to deflect it, or says "I will never have a big career like you have and you need to just accept that." How do I make him see how this affects us? Is it wrong for me to expect him to work somewhere he doesn't *love* in order to support our life goals?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DHs job preventing life progress
He and I having the life we dreamed of and him having his dream job (with better pay than mine) trumped the desire for me to stay where I was.
Now I am working in an office which I LIKE okay but will never LOVE. Unless something comes up we are on course to start TTC this time next year (ahead of schedule) and my new dream has become having a beautiful marriage and building a wonderful life for my future family.
H talked to me about leaving my job and moving to be with him before the wedding often but I couldn't accept it and brushed it off. One day it just clicked. This wasn't what I wanted OUR lives to be. I gave my two weeks notice and moved with him. I miss my job but I am so happy with how we have progressed.
Keep talking. Try and get him to sit down and talk about HIS life goals and see what comes up. For me it all fell into place but maybe he needs more convincing and communication.
Love: March 2010 Marriage: July 2013 Debt Free: October 2014 TTC: April 2015
Oscar born November 20, 2016 at 35w6d
Baby Boy due October 2017
What's he doing, you ask? Nothing. He says he doesn't want to start working another job till hunting season is over next month. That again is him making things a priority before working. By that time he will only have four months to find a job and work. My job has all the benefits and insurance, so that's not something he needs but he does need consistent income. The other problem with his job is if the weather sucks, they cancel. If we have a rainy year he doesn't bring much home and thus we get nowhere. I've talked about goals but he just says "we will get there, don't worry." Ugh.
I guess it doesn't mean we *can't* have a baby, just that I would like to get a house sooner rather than later. We are NTNP now, even though we have a one bedroom apartment, and if I was to get pregnant we would be okay here for a little bit but still should be actively saving for a home. During the racing season, we use my income for all necessities, and his goes into the savings or towards things that may come up. But right now we pay for everything off my income, which sucks when Christmas time rolls around. So we do well for six months, and then are strapped for cash for six months.
His whole family is like this. Zero planning, just doing whatever and rolling with the punches. He was one of four kids, and during their childhood, two of them slept on couches because they lived in a mobile home and didn't have enough rooms for all the kids. His siter just had a baby and has no idea what she is doing for child care when her maternity leave is over. No one in that family plans ahead, and I think that's his whole problem.
BFP 6/15/14 EDD: 2/24/15
He is being an ass.
What kind of a husband doesn't want to work to support his family and future goals?
If he doesn't want to get an entirely new job, fine.
Go work at the grocery store or milk cows until spring. If he's a good worker and straight foward plenty of places would be willing to have him for the winter season. He might even be able to make it a yearly thing with them.
Saying he is not going to look until after hunting season is just a roadblock to pushing you off from "nagging" him for a while if he really has no intention of getting a second job.
My husband drives truck in the winter for extra income for us as soon as farming is squared away and he goes back to the same company every winter.
Funny you say that, I'm the one who works on the dairy farming industry. I think you and I have talked about that before.
It is an excuse, and I know it. He used to have a reallllly good job doing HVAC but the company fell through, and he ended up at the racetrack because he used to work there occasionally on weekends when they needed him. Since he has been there full time, he has just gotten accustomed to being able to do whatever he wants. His boss is never there, and as long and things are done, no one cares. I asked him one time what else he would like to do and he mentioned a place that just opened that does go-kart races.... Yet again, another place that is a job, not a career.
And @Kimbus22, that is exactly what his aunt said to me last week. It's 100% true but I don't know how to get that across to him.
ETA: spelling
Baby Boy due October 2017
2: Don't have a conversation about how his job isn't good enough. Have a conversation about goals - individual goals and shared goals. Short term and long term.
You've gotten some awesome, realistic advice. It's time to put it to use. I'm sure you're not meaning to, it it's starting to sound like you're enabling him...
Baby Boy due October 2017
I'm sorry but is he even looking for a job in the offseason ? I am just curious because you can't collect an unemployment check and not be actively looking for a job. Doing so is well... unethical. If that is the case then I am surprised you are tolerating this nonsense.
So there isn't anything in the winter he can do ? He can't shovel snow, work at a coffee shop, put up Christmas lights for people, do furnace checks, work retail, deliver pizzas? Nothing ? he can't do a thing ?
Look, my favorite job was working at a movie theater when I was in college. It was easy, stress free and fun. I also got to see all the free movies I wanted as well as free popcorn and soda, but I was making barely above minimum wage and living like that wasn't sustainable. I was a kid and now I am an adult and had to get my act together.
I truly do not intend to sound mean here, please know that, but I think you are being a doormat. I respect the fact that you want him to be happy, but come on, this is ridiculous.
I also have to ask, do you love your job ? Is it the best job your ever had ? Would you like something that was easier where you can come in whenever you want and little to no responsibilities ?
If the answer is no, why is it ok for him to have a stress free job and you not. How would he feel if you said "Sorry, bud you have to work more because I want to serve snow cones in the summer."
I realized I need to take some of the blame for my own stress over this. Yes, DH needs to bring in more money. But the whole house and baby thing started with me. I want all that before I'm thirty (I'm 27). I feel a ton of pressure to get all that done and get mad that it's not happening because of DHs job. He wants kids badly but is more laid back about it.... Like "you want a baby now then fine, you want one later then fine." As for the PPs who said he won't help with a baby, he actually is better with kids than me and would probably be more involved.
As for the questions about his benefits, he has to attend a class once about how to find a job but he is exempt from all other classes because he technically HAS a job, he is just laid off during the winter. My father has been in this position for 15+ years because he works in construction. The difference is that my dad makes a ton more during the summer than my DH. I guess we just need to talk about goals soon.
Ok, so I'm confused. How will things be better in three years ? Will he work during the winter at that time ? Will you have more saved somehow ?
No one is saying your husband doesn't work hard at the auto place, but the fact is if he wants to continue to work there he needs to find something in the winter and no he doesn't get a two month break for hunting season. He is a grown man. I know avid hunters and they don't take two month breaks during hunting season.
I think another problem is that he has no grasp on what real life costs. Like I said he was raised in a family that did whatever and worried about it later. When I told him we would need around $25k he said that was impossible, and that "no one has that type of money laying around." He does want a family, and actually if he had his way we would have one already. He just has no grasp on the concept of budgeting and responsible planning. His sister had her baby and she and her DH make about half what we do, and have no plans for child care once her ML is over. His family just never learned the concept of planning.
I plan to talk to him tonight about this all.
$25k in savings when you've apparently been living without savings is a lot...
Baby Boy due October 2017
I sat him down yesterday and explained that we needed to get on the same page. I said at this point we need to decide; either we stop TTC/house browsing and he keeps his job, or he gets a new job and we move on with life. He did his usual attempt to dodge confrontation, but I told him I needed his input. He said its time for him to get a new job. We talked about possibilities and he told me over the summer a guy he knows said if he ever wanted to work for him he would take him. The guy owns a company that sells and installs all the lights on police/emergency vehicles and DH is very good at that stuff. So he is going to pursue that.
THANKS GIRLS!
Baby Boy due October 2017