Hard time with fact I Induced! — The Bump
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Hard time with fact I Induced!

Having a really hard time with the fact I Induced!

My blood pressure has always been normal except when I visit the doctor office, but never increased over normal (140/90) until I was 36 weeks pregnant (145/85 ish).  I was being seen by midwives at a hospital and 2 out of 6 started talking about me inducing at 36-37 wks.  I was not happy with this and declined.  At my next two appointments my BP was even higher (in the 150s/90s) but would go down after resting and being monitored for an hour or so.  Blood work and urinalysis came back normal and no protein in urine. At 38 weeks 5 days BP spiked to 165/83 and a 24 hr urine sample was performed. I took the sample back in the next day and after waiting 3.5 hrs for results, it came back negative (NO Protein At All).  However, my BP initially that day was 161/82, came down into the 150s/80s after 30 mins then back and forth 130s to high 140s over those 3.5 hours.  Two midwives were on and both recommended that I induce that night because even though I was not Pre-E it could happen suddenly or I could have a placental abruption (detachment, causing me to spontaneously bleed out and lead to emergency Csection).  After hearing the possibility of bleeding out and potential to loose baby and me, my mom and husband freaked and wanted me to induce. I felt confident that because I was having to symptoms of Pre-E, blood and urine results were normal and baby checked out fine, I would be fine to go home for another few days at least. I was 38wks 6 days at the time, no dilation, and wanted to wait just a little longer in the hopes baby would come on his own. Plus the numbers indicated a greater risk of having a C-section with induction (25%) than the 1% of placental detachments and 7% of pregnancy ending in Pre-E. But after bringing in another doctor how again urged me to induce and seeing my mom/ hearing my dad on the phone panic with possibility of loosing both baby and I if something went wrong and we couldn't get to hospital in time (45min drive from home), I gave in and induced.

Everything went fine with induction.  I was 1cm dilated when we began but had cytotec, balloon, and then on pitocin for 7 hours only up to 7 units and labored total 18 hrs (whole process 21 hrs with no pain medication, no epidural).  I was so pumped that I was able to do all that with no pain meds (not even Tylenol) and no epidural.  And it seemed like he was probably going to come within a few days because the induction went smoothly and was fairly short compared to some women I've heard and read about.  He was a happy healthy beautiful 7 lb 5.3 oz little boy and is now 5 months old.  However, I still regret giving in and inducing. 

I keep going over and over and over in my head that I should have stuck to my guns and walked out of the hospital that night at 38 wks 6 days pregnant and given it another few days at least.  There were no signs of anything wrong, just intermittently high blood pressure only at the doctors (fine at home) and swelling in my feet and ankles. But everything else was normal.  Even after 5 months I still wake up at night having mini nightmares about it. I keep telling myself its stupid to feel this way because everything turned out fine but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I failed in some way.  All I wanted was a natural birth, especially naturally going into labor but what I got was the complete opposite. Everything I said I wouldn't do or have done I had, minus the pain meds.  I guess I just feel like I didn't let my son come when I he was ready.  I felt like everything was fine, me, him and that all would still be fine if I waited longer, but I didn't wait and I'm guess I'm just kicking myself now for it and for feeling like I gave in to everyone else's wishes instead of listening to myself and my intuition.  My hubby says I need to stop worrying about my feeling and how I felt but I don't know how to do this.

 We are talking about possibly having another baby but I'm scared to death this will happen again and next time won't go so smoothly.  Maybe this is why I keep thinking about it alot lately.  I just wish I could move past this but I'm not sure how too.  I'm doing much better now than the week after I delivered but it's still on my mind more often than not. 

Anyone else have similar situation or feeling? Any thoughts that might help?  I haven't talked to any other moms about this but thought here might be a good place to start.  Sorry for such a long story. Thank you in advance!!

Re: Hard time with fact I Induced!

  • FTM mom here, so I can't talk from experience. I do want to say that you should be so proud of yourself for being so brave and caring so deeply about birthing. Women like you inspire me.

    Thank you for sharing your courageous story.
  • I was induced with my first pregnancy as well and, over the years, have had sporadic feelings of guilt about it. You just have to find a way not to let it take over. We all do what we have to do, or feel is right, in the moment we're in, despite whatever plans we may have made. "Plans" can be a dangerous word anyway but I think especially so when it comes to birth "plans". I'm doing my best to remember not to use that term this time- I'm making birth goals. I acknowledge the fact that things may not turn out the way I want them to and trust that we are in God's hands. Whatever happens will be the right thing according to His plan.

    I'm very sorry you're struggling with these feelings. It sounds to me like you need to forgive yourself so you can move on and concentrate on enjoying the blessings around you!

    Good luck!

     

     

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  • I'm sorry you are feeling regret and guilt. I was given cytotech to help speed up the process with DD. My water had broken but I was zero dilated and effaced. It helped get the contractions going and I took it from there. I consider myself a natural birth mom still, the labor was no less real!
  • I'm sorry that your birth didn't go as planned. Mine didn't either, for similar reasons, so I thought I'd share my story and how I've worked through the guilt.

    I was also induced for PreE, but mine was real PreE and there was no question that induction was the right thing to do. The induction specifically isn't what I felt guilty about. What I did regret was the multiple interventions (including an epidural) that I consented to, largely bc I was getting pressure for the medical staff and wasn't fully informed about the necessity of these interventions.

    For a while, probably a year after DS's birth, I really beat myself up over making the decisions that I did. Then at some point I came to the realization that I wasn't doing myself any favors, and I wasn't giving myself enough credit for how I handled a less-than-ideal situation. My mantra now is "I made the right decisions based on the information I had at the time." I think this is true for you, too, and you should try to look at it that way.

    I'm currently PG with my second and am staying cautiously optimistic about my birth. PreE is often a disease of first time moms so chances are good I won't get it again. And even if I do, I have the information now to prevent a repeat of my previous birth experience. You do too.

    Finally, a pain-med free induction is really something to be proud of. Good job momma!


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    BFP#2:  EDD 2/11/14, MMC confirmed 7/15/13 (growth stopped at 6 weeks), D&C @ 12 weeks 7/25/13

  • @ATB1381, you can never know what would have happened...only what did. In a stressful and frightening situation, you seem to have made the best choice you could at the time. In many ways you were brave: brave enough to be willing to
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • leave behind what you wanted in favor of what you saw as best for you and baby. I for one hope that I am able to face decisions like that with the willingness to adapt to necessity and safety while still following my principles, which is what it seems like you did. Kudos to you for still foregoing an epidural!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • It's so easy to get caught up in the "shoulda woulda coulda" and we sometimes forget that we don't actually know what would have happened had we gone a different route. You were dealt a less than ideal situation and had to make a decision based on the information you had at the time.

    And truly, if you had waited a day, what grand difference would it make in your life today, tomorrow, next month, next year?  Other than perhaps not beating yourself up about it? Focusing on your regret isn't going to change the past, and you're only hurting yourself.  Allow yourself peace with making the choice under duress and try to focus on the future.

    Be kind to yourself.


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  • There is almost always something about this experience that falls short of what we envision.  Try not to let that overshadow all the things that went well.  I understand how it feels to lose control of the situation, but don't forget all the areas of this experience over which you exercised control and were successful because of it.  You did speak up.  You were advocating for yourself.  You might see it as "giving in," but the way I see it, you asked for multiple expert opinions, and made the decision that made sense in the moment.  And that's really all any of us can do.

    And you obviously made the best hand out of the cards you were dealt, because it sounds like you kicked that induction's ass.  Did you think you could do that?  The induction might feel like it was something that happened to you, but the fact that you did it med free was something you made happen.  You were still able to meet a lot of your goals after being thrown a huge curve ball, and that's an accomplishment.

    You don't owe it to anyone to bury your feelings about this, but don't forget that you have a lot to be proud of, too.  Don't let those feelings get buried under the guilt.

    I don't know how you deal with these kinds of things, but for me, going over and over my chart and talking about what happened with my midwife at my follow up helped.  It made me see that it was okay to still have scary feelings about my experience because what happened really WAS scary, and my feelings were completely valid.  Maybe it would help to go over your chart at your next appointment and talk about what happened with your BP.  Would other midwives and OBs have recommended induction too?  Maybe you'll discover that you really did make the objectively right choice, or maybe you'll discover that your gut was right.  Either way, you'll have some answers that might bring you some peace.
    insertclevername
  • I am sorry your birth didn't go according to your plans.  Have you been screened for post-partum anxiety/depression?  You may want to do this, as you should not have to still be waking up from nightmares of your birth at 5 months post-partum.  Also, you may find it helpful to have a trained professional help you deal with some of the high anxiety that you seem to be dealing with--especially if you are thinking about TTC in the near future?  Good luck!
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