OOT ILs/expectation for holidays

Emeraldeyed315

This thanksgiving and christmas we did not invite the ILs to stay with us. We wanted to experience G's "firsts" by ourselves and start our own traditions. We live near my family though...so thanksgiving and christmas dinners we will still see my parents.

DH's parents live a plane ride away though. We are flying to see them in December, staying for a week and then flying back home christmas eve. We are getting so much flack from them. We don't get along anyway, but they are saying this is the only year they will not be with us. DH is an only child...so I do feel bad they don't have other kids to celebrate the holidays. They are near MILs parents though, so they spend it with them. 

Anyway, it got me thinking. Since we don't get along anyway...I'm not sure I ever want them here the actual DAY of the holiday. I dont' mind seeing them right before or after...but I want the actual day to spend with DH and G. Is that totally off? I don't know what "normal" family travel plans are. I feel bad because DH is an only child...and I also feel bad because I know we will end up seeing my side of the family anyway. It's just different having them in our house those mornings. Before we had G we would alternate holidays (turkey one year at my parents, that christmas with ILs...following year we flip flopped.) It's just different having a LO now. I want those holidays at home. 

I'm babbling. I'm sorry. Too much coffee. If you have out of town parents or in laws, what are you doing? 

Michelle N

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

rh10264706

Michelle N said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

This. As long as your ILs aren't BSC or alcoholics or something along those lines.

Emeraldeyed315

Michelle N said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

You are right. It's tough since my parents are a car ride, so we see them that day but just for a few hours. When ILs come they stay with us for at least a week and are there christmas morning opening presents, there christmas eve for our traditions, etc. It should be the same...but when ILs are here it feels so much more invasive. 

thoughtfulmommy

I think there comes a point when you need to create your own traditions with your family. I am sure at some point your in laws had Christmas morning alone with their son and your family should have that same opportunity.

We are dealing with family gathering issues now too. Having four sets of parents makes it difficult to find time for just us.

This year, similar to you, I am starting new traditions where we spend Christmas morning at our house without anyone else. Our parents are not too happy.

Emeraldeyed315

rh10264706 said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

This. As long as your ILs aren't BSC or alcoholics or something along those lines.

They are bsc. Thats the problem. They have even told DH that they wish he didn't marry me and now he was "stuck" since we had G. They also pray over me at every dinne to save my soul...since I'm catholic. Those are only the minor issues that I feel okay posting on the internet. They are awful and make my DH and I uncomfortable...but we do not want to cut them out of our life completely. DH does well trying to make situations better with them, but they always get in an uproar about something. 

BelhurstBride

Michelle N said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

I agree and I don't get along with my ILs in the least... but I still try to keep things even and fair. 

Emeraldeyed315

Emeraldeyed315 said:

rh10264706 said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

This. As long as your ILs aren't BSC or alcoholics or something along those lines.

They are bsc. Thats the problem. They have even told DH that they wish he didn't marry me and now he was "stuck" since we had G. They also pray over me at every dinne to save my soul...since I'm catholic. Those are only the minor issues that I feel okay posting on the internet. They are awful and make my DH and I uncomfortable...but we do not want to cut them out of our life completely. DH does well trying to make situations better with them, but they always get in an uproar about something. 

I feel pathetic that every time I do see them I still want them to like me..but I know even if I was a Saint they would find error with me. It sucks. 

Emeraldeyed315

BelhurstBride said:

Michelle N said:

I'm not travelling for the holidays, but I am inviting the ILs every year. They probably won't ever come, but I want my son to see that we're treating my parents and DH's parents the same. My parents will likely come every year. 

I don't like the ILs much.. but it should be fair. 

I agree and I don't get along with my ILs in the least... but I still try to keep things even and fair. 

Are they OOT? I just hate the idea of spending a whole christmas week with them and only a few hours with my parents/not just having time alone with DH and G. 

BelhurstBride

Emeraldeyed315 said:

Are they OOT? I just hate the idea of spending a while christmas week with them and only a few hours with my parents/not just having time alone with DH and G. 

No, they live around the corner. My parents are local, too. Sometimes it makes it more difficult because they think we should just split up the day and go to both houses. We learned our lesson at DD1's very first holiday and will never, ever do that again. And my parents can't stand my ILs so just having both families here won't happen. 

I will admit that I wouldn't tolerate an entire week with them, that's for sure, but I don't think I'd have the heart to stick 'em in a hotel, either. 

thoughtfulmommy

I think fair would be inviting them to visit and staying somewhere else. I agree that you should see them, but when you see your parents you visit and leave.

I am on your side. You should not have to entertain for a week straight just "to be fair".

In teaching we tell the students "fairness is not sameness". You don't have to do the same with both sets of parents.

Emeraldeyed315

I guess in the end I'm asking if it's not realistic of me to think its "okay" to see the ILs around the holidays, but not on the specific day. (like how this year we are with them a week before christmas, but are flying home on christmas eve.)

Revez

I completely understand how you feel. If I had my way I would never, EVER have to see my BSC ILs again. They are rude to me, they are rude to my family and they just bring so much negativity with them, it's not worth it.

I've invited them this year for the holidays, but if any drama ensues I'll be sure to put a stop to them staying with us on the actually day. They live in England, so we don't see each other often and I want them to have a relationship with my daughter. But the second they talk negatively about me or my family in front of her, they're out. The rule applies to my parents and anyone else for that matter.

I'd just play it by ear, see how it goes. There will come a time when the holidays become more of an immediate family thing. I didn't spend Christmas with my grandparents past the age of 4, I'm sure it will be the same way in this house as well.

coraggiosa

I can understand maybe wanting to have Christmas morning to yourselves, but I think it's a bit mean-hearted to not want to see you ILs at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, especially considering you will see your side of the family. 

I see you've mentioned that they are kind of crazy. Be that as it may, I think it would be good for your child if you take the high road. Not only that, not allowing them to be there for the holidays is only going to reinforce their view of you. 

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

Emeraldeyed315

Natalie2167 said:

I think fair would be inviting them to visit and staying somewhere else. I agree that you should see them, but when you see your parents you visit and leave. I am on your side. You should not have to entertain for a week straight just "to be fair". In teaching we tell the students "fairness is not sameness". You don't have to do the same with both sets of parents.

I dont think I could have them stay in a hotel on a holiday...we did that when LO was born and we still don't hear the end of it. We can't afford that either at this time. And even though I don't like them, I don;t think I could do it. :-/ Though I want to! 

Emeraldeyed315

coraggiosa said:

I can understand maybe wanting to have Christmas morning to yourselves, but I think it's a bit mean-hearted to not want to see you ILs at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, especially considering you will see your side of the family. 

I see you've mentioned that they are kind of crazy. Be that as it may, I think it would be good for your child if you take the high road. Not only that, not allowing them to be there for the holidays is only going to reinforce their view of you. 

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

We have had that conversation numerous times over the last 9 years we have been together. DH does his best at trying to manage the situation. 

We are seeing them Christmas Eve. But, since they live in TX and we live in NY they are a plane ride away. So, we are flying home Christmas eve night so we can have christmas day in our house. It's hard to figure out how to do part of the holiday when they are far away. 

Emeraldeyed315

coraggiosa said:

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

DH doesn't want to see them at all. He works very hard and doesn't get vacation time often, so he just wants to relax at home just "us." His grandparents never attended a holiday growing up, so this is a new thing for him. 

MitsB707

Pre-baby, we did my family on Thanksgiving, his for Hanukkah, and my family on Christmas Eve and day as we usually slept over. Now we will alternate when we see families on Thanksgiving (this year mine first for a very early dinner, then his and trying to get home by 7). I know Dh's aunt will want to see DS on Christmas Day since their tradition is Christmas Day breakfast (her new dh is Catholic), but it's not happening. My family is Catholic and his is Jewish. They do not have any claim to Christmas, and dh decided if they wanted to celebrate, it can be the weekend after Christmas. They get Hanukkah. I know already that they will bitch next year about thanksgiving since they don't like getting together early, but dh already said tough ish. I love that man.

Eta: NYE we do whatever I want since it's my birthday.

MissyCee

We used to do Thanksgiving w/ ILs, Christmas with my family, then New Year's w the IL and exchange our Christmas gifts then. But with LO it's a lot of work to drive 4.5 hours each way. I don't blame you for not wanting to travel on holidays, I don't either, I want to relax and enjoy them, especially more so now that we have LO.

Texasmomma13

It sounds to me like you are being more than accomodating. You'll be seeing them for a week up until Christmas eve right? Well, then you'll see them for Christmas. They need to get over themselves. Since they are so religious you need to read them this:

Genesis 2:18-24

The Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;

I will make him a helper as his partner.”

So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them;

and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 

The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner.   

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept;

Then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 

And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

This one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken”. 

There fore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.

 
BOOM! He has a new family now. They need to accept it. FWIW, I'm Catholic too and my ILs are not. I would find it highly offensive if they prayed over me. It's very disrespectful. Just because you are of different religions doesn't mean you can't respect each others beliefs.

coraggiosa

Emeraldeyed315 said:

coraggiosa said:

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

DH doesn't want to see them at all. He works very hard and doesn't get vacation time often, so he just wants to relax at home just "us." His grandparents never attended a holiday growing up, so this is a new thing for him. 

Well this is a bit different. I hadn't realized your H was so in line with you on your feelings regarding your ILs. I would honestly let your H make the decision to not include them, and let him explain it all to his parents. He needs to take responsibility for that decision, and he needs to explain to them that it is their behavior that makes him feel that way. He should also stress that it was HE who made the decision, not you. 

Emeraldeyed315

It sounds to me like you are being more than accomodating. You'll be seeing them for a week up until Christmas eve right? Well, then you'll see them for Christmas. They need to get over themselves. Since they are so religious you need to read them this:

Genesis 2:18-24

The Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;

I will make him a helper as his partner.”

So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them;

and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 

The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner.   

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept;

Then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 

And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

This one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken”. 

There fore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.

 
BOOM! He has a new family now. They need to accept it. FWIW, I'm Catholic too and my ILs are not. I would find it highly offensive if they prayed over me. It's very disrespectful. Just because you are of different religions doesn't mean you can't respect each others beliefs.

Yes, we are spending the 17-24th with them in TX. I love the verse- it was actually part of our wedding readings haha. Thanks for posting it.

Emeraldeyed315

coraggiosa said:

Emeraldeyed315 said:

coraggiosa said:

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

DH doesn't want to see them at all. He works very hard and doesn't get vacation time often, so he just wants to relax at home just "us." His grandparents never attended a holiday growing up, so this is a new thing for him. 

Well this is a bit different. I hadn't realized your H was so in line with you on your feelings regarding your ILs. I would honestly let your H make the decision to not include them, and let him explain it all to his parents. He needs to take responsibility for that decision, and he needs to explain to them that it is their behavior that makes him feel that way. He should also stress that it was HE who made the decision, not you. 

He really does do all this. They just still blame me because that is easier for them to point the finger to. He even told the truth that thathe didn't want to travel at all bc of work and it was me pushing to see them. They still don't get it. 

Texasmomma13

It sounds to me like you are being more than accomodating. You'll be seeing them for a week up until Christmas eve right? Well, then you'll see them for Christmas. They need to get over themselves. Since they are so religious you need to read them this:

Genesis 2:18-24

The Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;

I will make him a helper as his partner.”

So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them;

and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 

The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner.   

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept;

Then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 

And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

This one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken”. 

There fore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.

 
BOOM! He has a new family now. They need to accept it. FWIW, I'm Catholic too and my ILs are not. I would find it highly offensive if they prayed over me. It's very disrespectful. Just because you are of different religions doesn't mean you can't respect each others beliefs.

Yes, we are spending the 17-24th with them in TX. I love the verse- it was actually part of our wedding readings haha. Thanks for posting it.

It was in ours as well. That's how I know it so well.  I copied and pasted from our wedding program.

coraggiosa

Emeraldeyed315 said:

coraggiosa said:

Emeraldeyed315 said:

coraggiosa said:

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

DH doesn't want to see them at all. He works very hard and doesn't get vacation time often, so he just wants to relax at home just "us." His grandparents never attended a holiday growing up, so this is a new thing for him. 

Well this is a bit different. I hadn't realized your H was so in line with you on your feelings regarding your ILs. I would honestly let your H make the decision to not include them, and let him explain it all to his parents. He needs to take responsibility for that decision, and he needs to explain to them that it is their behavior that makes him feel that way. He should also stress that it was HE who made the decision, not you. 

He really does do all this. They just still blame me because that is easier for them to point the finger to. He even told the truth that thathe didn't want to travel at all bc of work and it was me pushing to see them. They still don't get it. 

I would totally cut your losses and just run with what your H does. It sucks that they want to blame you, but you are not responsible for their shitty behavior. Hopefully one day they'll learn that it's their behavior that causes you guys to not want to see them. Honestly, after getting more details about your situation, they are lucky you are even going there before Christmas. 

Cosmic+Love

Am I the only one that read the title as OOT IL Sexpectations?

Oh boy, tgif!

rissa06

We switch every holiday, so turkey at is with my parents, Christmas with Dh's and Easter is with mine and then we keep alternating. My parents live an hour away and Dh's is about three. We are planning to go up to their house after Christmas morning. It's important that we are there, so we don't really have a choice, but the off yrs that we don't see my family, we do a second Christmas just with them.

CaliforniaDream87

coraggiosa said:

I can understand maybe wanting to have Christmas morning to yourselves, but I think it's a bit mean-hearted to not want to see you ILs at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, especially considering you will see your side of the family. 

I see you've mentioned that they are kind of crazy. Be that as it may, I think it would be good for your child if you take the high road. Not only that, not allowing them to be there for the holidays is only going to reinforce their view of you. 

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

@coraggiosa has done it again. Exactly this!

coraggiosa

CaliforniaDream87 said:

I can understand maybe wanting to have Christmas morning to yourselves, but I think it's a bit mean-hearted to not want to see you ILs at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, especially considering you will see your side of the family. 

I see you've mentioned that they are kind of crazy. Be that as it may, I think it would be good for your child if you take the high road. Not only that, not allowing them to be there for the holidays is only going to reinforce their view of you. 

ETA: After reading a bit more, I really think you need to discuss this with your H. Their rudeness happens because he allows it. He needs to put his foot down with them - tell them that unless they can behave and not pray over you or say rude things, they will not be allowed to be in your home. He needs to be clear that he won't tolerate that kind of treatment of his wife, especially in front of his child. End of story. If they can't cooperate, then I can understand severely limiting time with them. 

@coraggiosa has done it again. Exactly this!

@CaliforniaDream87