Parental Alienation

nurrieum

  During a convo today about how school went SS today said "You don't like me. You don't want to come to my school." to which I replied, "Oh course I like you! I love you! We love coming to your school!"  (Because of the situation with his mom, today was the first day in 1 week we'd got to do to or from school transporting.) He said his mom was hurting his feelings and it made him mad and sad. My mom (a therapist) told me to validate his feelings by saying "I understand your mad and sad, grown ups get mad and sad too. That's okay and you can always tell me." He then said "You are my favorite."

That last part made me like eeek. I responded with "Well, SS We love you but we want you to know that we all love you and it's good to love both Mommy, me and Daddy." I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to us, but I also don't want to encourage favoritism. That was just a snippet of about at ten minute conversation. He's been experimenting with expressing his emotions and he's trying to talk it out. Altogether what we're seeing though is a lot of confusion. I think he feels like he needs to pick a side. That he's afraid the love there is conditional.  We're trying hard to nix that if we can. 

We're not sure how to respond to these things. We picked this whole situation, he didn't, so as much as we can, I want to try and keep emotional burdens off of him. I can't control it at BM's home but I'm not sure how to respond to stuff when it comes up in ours. I'm googling some stuff now. We haven't dealt with this so much before, there have been a few things but I think this most recent issue has affected him the most and is leaving us wondering how to talk to him so that he feels things are okay.

+just+j+

I think you are handling it well and just as you should.

nurrieum

+just+j+ said:

I think you are handling it well and just as you should.

Thank you, I guess I just a lot worry about what we can't control. Which I struggle with. 

Lavender P

All you can do is reinforce that everyone loves him and that although he can share his feelings it is unacceptable to say negative things about his mom or mom's family. SS tried to say things to us about his mom and we could tell he was testing us to see how we would react. We told him that he has to be respectful to her, even in our house. I know she doesn't do the same for us but it is more important for him to learn love and respect then for him to be on 'our' side.

nurrieum

Lavender P said:

All you can do is reinforce that everyone loves him and that although he can share his feelings it is unacceptable to say negative things about his mom or mom's family. SS tried to say things to us about his mom and we could tell he was testing us to see how we would react. We told him that he has to be respectful to her, even in our house. I know she doesn't do the same for us but it is more important for him to learn love and respect then for him to be on 'our' side.

wendilea said:

you're handling it beautifully.  It's sad when kids get used as pawns in a game they didn't choose to play.  More parents and step parents need to be like you.

I appreciate the support. Not having seen how responses will affect him long term, we're a bit insecure. We try to make him aware that everybody has feelings, his parents do as well, but in a way that doesn't make him feel responsible for their reactions to stress. Its a difficult line. We want him to open with us but understand it's necessary to be respectful. He's almost 5, I think this stuff is probably above his head but figure we need you start reiterating now. It's just a lot of second guessing.

nurrieum

Thank you for the supportive comments, it's very appreciated.

KTdidit

nurrieum said:

I appreciate the support. Not having seen how responses will affect him long term, we're a bit insecure. We try to make him aware that everybody has feelings, his parents do as well, but in a way that doesn't make him feel responsible for their reactions to stress. Its a difficult line. We want him to open with us but understand it's necessary to be respectful. He's almost 5, I think this stuff is probably above his head but figure we need you start reiterating now. It's just a lot of second guessing.

Even though he is only 5, it will still stick with him. DS is only 3 but I'm seeing more and more how what DH and I say and do, and how we act, affects him and stays with him. I think you are handling it great. Giving him a safe place to talk about anything is important.

nurrieum

nurrieum said:

I appreciate the support. Not having seen how responses will affect him long term, we're a bit insecure. We try to make him aware that everybody has feelings, his parents do as well, but in a way that doesn't make him feel responsible for their reactions to stress. Its a difficult line. We want him to open with

Even though he is only 5, it will still stick with him. DS is only 3 but I'm seeing more and more how what DH and I say and do, and how we act, affects him and stays with him. I think you are handling it great. Giving him a safe place to talk about anything is important.

Thanks! I appreciate it. I appreciate everyone's encouragement a lot. We're gonna keep trucking. 

twister22

I will echo what others have said and say that I think you are handling it wonderfully. Kudos to you!

nurrieum

twister22 said:

I will echo what others have said and say that I think you are handling it wonderfully. Kudos to you!

Well thank you. I appreciate it a lot.

Wahoo

I think the most important thing is that SS feels he can express himself freely around you, and doesn't HAVE to say certain things (like "you are my favorite") to make you happy.  He might not even notice it, but in the end that will make him feel more secure and that you love him for HIM, not just because he does what you want or ways what you want to hear.  You are doing a great job!

nurrieum

Wahoo said:

I think the most important thing is that SS feels he can express himself freely around you, and doesn't HAVE to say certain things (like "you are my favorite") to make you happy.  He might not even notice it, but in the end that will make him feel more secure and that you love him for HIM, not just because he does what you want or ways what you want to hear.  You are doing a great job!

Thank you!
That's the goal, we want him to know no matter what he feels or says, he is loved.