Bully?

Wisteriacow

DS just turned 5 and started at a new school this year. Despite going to a different school the past two years without issue, he took a while to adjust. He spent many days crying. Once he got over that we were being told that one certain boy was hitting him. The teachers got involved and the hitting stopped. Then it became that this boy was taking things from DS. That seems to have stopped as well.

This morning DS said that this boy has been making comments about his food. DS has food intolerances so he has a different snack than the rest of the class and his lunches might not look as mainstream. If it was just some kid asking about his food, I wouldn't think it's a big deal. But given that it's the same boy who gave him trouble before I'm concerned. We were at a birthday party a few weeks ago that included all of his classmates and DS had his own "safe" cupcake. This boy was very nosy about it even asking if DS would have to go to the hospital if he ate the cake instead. To me it went beyond normal curiosity.

I'm worried that DS is already seen as a victim because he had trouble adjusting. Now it seems like he might be targeted for his food differences too. Do you think it's worth getting the teachers involved? Approaching the other child's mother? How do we teach DS to stand up for himself?

This is a private school so there is the very real possibility that DS will be dealing with this boy for the next 9 years.

meg1974

I can see why you are concerned, if it is ongoing. I would start with the teacher. It's always helpful to get the teacher's take on it, as he/she might see it differently or might be able to tell you if the boy is picking on others as well. If it's an ongoing problem, the teacher might want to talk with the parents (in our school, they do). 

Ncstatemom

I would get the teacher involved immediately.  The good news is that they are young enough that this should probably work.  Given the background, this child does seem entirely too concerned with your DS.  My DS wouldn't notice something like someone'e food but I can see where alot of kids would.  My DS is more used to "safe" cupcakes though to be fair b/c his younger sister has a peanut allergy.  I do worry about her being a target for her allergy later in life.  I hope that's not what's happening to your DS.  

sschwege

The questions by themselves wouldn't worry me.  It could just be genuine curiosity.  I had a dairy allergy growing up and I remember kids asking me similar questions.  Nobody ever asked if I would have to go to the hospital, but something along the lines of, "What would happen if..."  But since it's this specific boy I think it's worth bringing up to the teacher  

neverblushed

I think you should take action ASAP and that your action should be on two different fronts:

1.  The school and the teachers -- talk to the teacher and find out what's actually going on between this kid and your son.  Kids under the age of 6 may be badly behaved and may hurt other children in the class, but it's unusual for kids this age to consistently pick on one other kid.  5 y/o kids usually don't have enough awareness of others to systematically bully another child.  It's possible that this other kid is just generally a behavior problem, and that his hitting and teasing is occasionally directed at your son.  Or, it could be that the other child is particularly focused on your child.  Either way, you need straight answers from the teacher.  Some private schools are fairly unenlightened when it comes to bullying.  If the teacher seems complacent about this, go to the principal.  If the principal seems complacent, you need to think about whether this school is a fit for your family.

2. Work with your son on learning to be assertive.  Role play situations that might come up with other kids.

You will probably have little success with talking to the child's mother.  Either the child has trouble controlling his impulses, in which case the mother's probably doing her best with a difficult child, OR the mother hasn't taught him how to behave, in which case she's not going to work with you on this.

groovygrl

The same kid 'picking on' you kid is a separate issue but just a comment about the food questions-
my kids do not have any allergies & are genuinely curious about it. We have a lot of PB & banana for bfast at our house and I have talked to them about how we have to wash our hands & faces really well after eating PB because we don't want to expose anyone at school to it in case someone has an allergy, b/c allergies can make kids really really sick and sometimes they can't breathe if it is certain kids of allergies. My kids seem to 'get' the whole thing from a seriousness standpoint b/c I treat it very seriously when we talk about it, but  I could see them asking another child questions about it too, though very innocently.

Ncstatemom

Note to PP:  thank you for thinking about kids with allergies

I have no issue with kids asking questions about my DD's allergy...but it's a medical condition just like anything else.  It shouldn't be a "shame" or something to make fun of her about...it's a fact about her, that's all.

Littlejen22

I would talk to the teacher but unless it gets worse I would not use the words bully and victim, it can be seen as crying wolf when this is not at that level.  But be proactive so it won't get there.