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Working Moms
jasrun80
member
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For those who chose to work.
jasrun80
member
in Working Moms
Hi there,,, I have only asked questions on this board once but was overwhelmed with the support & am hoping to find a similar situation again 
My husband and I had our first child on 2009, and I assumed I would be a SAHM because he can bring in enough for our lifestyle and I thought I wanted to be home with our LO. It was true,, I did. Watching our first child grow was very fulfiloing enev though it was very hard to adjust to being a parent for me.
Now that we have our second, born summer 2012, I am just feeling like my day to day is monotonous and not very fulfilling. Of course i love my children, but the constant running around after them and zero time for myself is catching up. I am given "time" for myself but nothing consistent & nothing like daily so I can workout which would be fulfilling to me & IS important to me. (I was getting up at 5am to run, but my husband leaves at 6am and my son has been waking before 6 lately so i cant do it all and I am very exhausted) I also really miss working my job, working with adults, having others ask me "hi, how are you?" and bringing in some money. (i love to shop online but dont justify much of it now since our world revolves around our kids.)
I am seeking work in my specialty, but im also bargaining emotionally as I find that I dont "have to" go back to work and I am left feeling guilty for wanting to. I am also afraid to find childcare. It is really hard to find people and i personally dont LOVE care.com.
I believe I could find work contingent so I could work based on how much i can/want to, but I am just struggling because I feel like I "shouldn't" because i get this luxury of staying home with my kids every long day of my groundhogs day life.
My friends who work who also have children have to work and I dont really know anyone who wanted to. I also feel that my job isn't as important as, lets say if i were a doctor or magazine editor, so I dont have to go back because the world doesnt need me, it could have another person certified in my career path and life would go on... I am not sure if that makes sense, but basically i feel like my job isn't like my HUGE passion (im not sure what mine is really) and I am left wondering how to know what's really right for me.
How did you know working was right for you?
Who watches your kid/s?
How was the transition?
Any advice?
I would love your input.
thank you
This discussion has been closed.
Re: For those who chose to work.
My DD goes to daycare and it's great. She has fun there. It's good for her -- learning, interacting with new people, getting to participate in new experiences like pony rides and touring a fire station. Some of those things I could do on my own, others (like teaching her Spanish), I'd probably have to hire someone anyway.
Our son goes to daycare during the day. It was a struggle for DH. We battled between his mother watching DS or DS going to day care. For us, it was what worked best for US and sacraficing on both of our ends. We come from completely different worlds and values on who watches DS.
The transition was tough initially. Thankfully, daycare is open door policy. I called like six times the first few days and even left early one day during the first week to pick DS up. But eventually, you will find your groove back, if work is what you decide.
My only advice is decide whats best for your family and for yourself--don't let other people try to tell you differently. If not work, can you find a volunteer cause or project that you are passionate about?! Maybe that would lead to a career or position that you would find meaningful.
I'm really on the fence about whether or not I want to work. Really it comes down to financial freedom and preventing bordom. DH makes enough to support us BUT there are a few important reasons I want to bring in an income. Primarily I like to have equal descretion over how our money is spent. Not that SAHMs don't, but I have an expensive hobby and don't want to feel like I can't continue on with it because I'm not funding it. Also, I'm not very creative so maternity leave meant lots of organized activities for me and DD...which cost money. I envy moms that can make an afternoon of fun out of....whatever they find around the house. I'm simply not that way!
Plus, I can afford to put DD in a great daycare and she is learning so much more than I would know to teach her. I LIKE having her wonderful teachers help us "raise" her. I figure as a team we are doing a better job than DH and I would do alone.
And frankly, I was becoming very bored SAH while I was on maternity leave. Partly that was my fault. I could have been more aware of what was going on in the world but I find the problems I solve at work to be most complex and interesting than the problems I faced while I was SAH (sleep deprivation aside, of course). I guess I just need my day to be more structured. Now I love the 2 solid hours of quality time I spend with DD each evening and the weekends we spend doing fun things. Because I don't have to spend hours cleaning because I can afford to source that out.
Oh, that brings me to the REAL reason that I work: I would never, ever, ever want to give up having a cleaning service. Ever.
And very quick into maternity leave I knew I made the right choice to plan to go back to work. I missed work so much, and it wasn't just how trying having a newborn is. I really missed work and the "me" time I get working on a project solo at the office. I'm definitely someone who is a higher quality mommy even if it means less quantity by having the time and sense of accomplishment I get from the office.
Oh, and day care for us. Love all the opportunities and little friends that environment can offer that a nanny type situation would not. At least not as easily/likely.
I find it a luxury that I have the choice to decide whether or not to work. I'm not forced to work because we can't make ends meet on DH's salary and I'm not forced to stay at home because my paycheck won't cover daycare. That, to me, is pure luxury.
When I first had DD1 I desired to stay home but I had loads of student loans to pay off. I was devasted but you do what you gotta do and I went back to the office. By the time DD2 came all my loans were paid off and I truly had a choice to work or not.
I struggled with the decision at first. I felt like I was supposed to want to stay at home with my girls. That I would miss out on them by continuing my career. But honestly, mat leave drove me insane. I'm generally an upbeat kinda girl but being at home made me depressed. I would cry over nothing, became irritable, and felt dumpy. I didn't have a reason to put on expensive makeup or change out of yoga pants. I didn't feel like myself.
And who wants a mom like that? Sad, trashy looking thing that can't get out of her funk? I'll bet my girls like this mom better--the mom who feels good about herself which in turns reflects on how I treat my husband and children. The mom who gives her undevoted attention to them while I'm at home because it really is quality of time versus quantity.
My girls are happy at school, I'm happy with my work-life balance, and my husband is happy that I'm happy. Looking back I'm terribly grateful for those student loans that forced me to stick with work. Knowing what I know now about myself, I made the right decision for me to be the best person I can be. Corny, yes, but true!
I don't want to start a mommy war here, but I do want to point out that the grass is always greener. Yes I have time away from my kids, and there are some perks to it- Lunch with adults, hot coffee, sense of self- but I most certainly Do NOT consider work as "Me time." I NEVER have time to workout. I am up early dragging my kids out of bed so I can get to work on time. I work all day then pick up the kids, by the time we get home it's 6pm and I'm just starting to make dinner, then it's baths and bedtime. Then I get to finish the dishes, pack everyone's lunches for the next day, etc etc and finally collapse into bed myself. Some of this might be less hectic if my DH was available to help more, but in my situation this is what it is. My weekends are full of laundry and chores.
I also am not passionate about my career which makes it very difficult to put up with the daily grudgery of it all. If I were you I'd be looking for ways to get more time to myself other than going back to work.
I don't have to work and honestly, I'd rather be at home most days. The only reason I keep working is because I really like having the extra money and the security. If DH lost his job or was unable to work, I'd still be able to keep us afloat. Not at the level we're accustomed to but I make enough to pay our mortgage, car payment, etc.
My job is not an important job in the great scheme of things but it's important to my family in that it allows us to have financial flexibility.
My daughter really seems to enjoy daycare. She gets to play with other babies and do fun activities that would have never crossed my mind to try at home. My only gripe is that she gets sick often (which I absolutely hate and breaks my heart a little).
Please don't think of working as a way to get a little "me time." I get to interact with adults at work and drink a cup of coffee while it's still hot but I still feel like I have all the responsibilities of a SAHM mom and I have to work full time.
ETA - I think I'm just having a particularly bad day. Take my pessimism with a grain of salt.
I love my job (field) too much to leave and while I think being a SAHM is a tough job it is just not suited for me. I actually just got a great job and a promotion so my hubby can be a SAHD. I love the challenge, adult interaction, and being a mom and career woman.
I also know from my friends who are SAHMs that it is basically a thankless job. Hopefully their spouses tell them and appreciate them but let's be real kids do not appreciate all the hard work it is to be a SAHM everyday and to take care of the house until they usually are out of the house. That is many years of no one saying thanks, LOL.
As for daycare, I think it is about expectation and what you are will to pay and what you are looking for. If you want super individualized care where it is almost like you being home than either look to family, or a higher priced Nanny (education major, or was a teacher etc) or if you care looking for a less expensive than expect good care but because there are more kids there is more a focus on independence, aka one worker is not going to drop everything just because your child is upset about sharing. With larger centers there are more kids too so that is fun.
We had my husbands Aunt watch my son for the beginning but then switched him to a center so he can have more interaction with other kids and I wanted him to gain independence. Since he was my only child it was hard to not help him with everything (We're mothers right LOL) and since being in a larger center his speech is through the roof, able to do a lot more on his own (within reason of course).
There are good and bad to both Nannies, and Centers so go with what you are comfortable. It is good for you and your little ones to gain some independence.
Maybe to help the transition for yourself you can start part time work and daycare for the kids?
It never crossed my mind not to work. I have a great, fulfilling career that I love and although we could live comfortably on DH's salary, I never understood the idea that the woman should just quit her career b/c she has a baby. I worked hard to get where I am and am certainly a better mother and wife b/c I have the fulfillment of my career.
I don't feel guilty. DD goes to an amazing, structured daycare that's a mix of learning and free play. We love it and so does she.
Also, I work out early in the a.m., at lunch in the gym in my hospital or just run on my treadmill at night after DD goes to bed. Buying a treadmill was the best investment we ever made. Working out is a huge priority for me as well.
my husband keeps giving me this pep talk about what a great mom I am & I just feel like getting the eff out of here.
I'm really upset right now from yet another "thankless day" and I know I just have to get up to do it all over again tomorrow so I'm just sobbing. I'm losing it but will be back on here tomorrow.
thank you all SO much.
I work in many ways because I have to, though we probably make just enough to get by on one salary if we had to. My husband and I are both attorneys and make a good salary each, but we also live in an extremely high cost of living area. Also, I grew up in a household with money troubles, and I never want to be in a position where I am just "getting by" again. I want to be able to stash away a ton of money towards my retirement so that I am not a burden on my child in my old age, money to significantly help with her college costs, and money to leave her when I die. For these reasons I work. I really wish I had more workplace flexibility or the ability to work less hours so that I could spend more time with my baby, but my job won't allow it and its nearly impossible to find in the legal field.
As mentioned by pps above, work is by no means "me time". My day is remarkably similar to the previous poster, in which I am up early, rushing the baby out of the house to get to daycare, work, getting home at 6:15 pm to get dinner, bath and bed done, followed by making meals for the next day, washing dishes and chores. Weekends are a series of chores, while also trying to fit in some seriously needed time with my child (and I only have 1 - I don't know how FT working moms with more handle it).
I can also understand your frustration as a stay at home mom. I know from maternity leave that it can get monotonous and can leave you hungering for some adult company and stimulation outside of your kids. Your feelings are completely normal. If you have a career that would let you back in the door part-time, could you consider going back perhaps 2 days a week and your children could attend pre school on those days on a part-time basis? They would probably love it...
On the issue of child care, I am fully in agreement that daycare / pre school is a good thing for kids (aside from the frequent colds during those winter months). My child loves her daycare, where she gets a ton of stimulation doing things such as painting, getting music lessons, doing baby yoga, playing with lots of other kids, making crafts, etc. Its really cute when I drop her off and I see her little friend come over to give her a hug. She has been in daycare since 6 months old and it has been a positive experience. I still wish I had more time to spend with her, but I feel good about her environment.,
If nothing else, know that your feelings are valid and, as someone mentioned above, perhaps try to find solutions to find more me time. Are there any local classes for your kids that would allow you a couple hours to yourself? Could you find a daycare/school for even 1 day a week to give you a little break to work or exercise or volunteer or whatever?
It did take awhile to transition into being a working mom, it was hard to get used to having to meal plan and plan out our weeks, Dr appts are a PITA, etc. I think my kids handled the transition better than I did!
We ended up firing our first nanny (she was way too flaky and had horrible judgement), but we still have the nanny we hired after her. Our current nanny was able to keep working for us over the summer (I teach), and she and my younger son are great together. I think they have a really special relationship, and I have no doubts she does a fantastic job with our kids. We found her via care.com, and what helped with hiring her was having a phone interview before we met in person. I was able to get a feel for her, and the kids didn't have to meet tons of different people.
Anyhoo, working and parenting is exhausting, but I really am happier than I was as a SAHM. It's nice having things to think about that aren't my kids or our household. I do really love what I do, though, and I don't think I'd be working if it was at a job I wasn't excited about.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I'm in the "have to work" camp, not the "choose to work camp", but I did SAH for 3 years and I know what you mean about the boredom (long groundhog days).
To answer your questions:
How did you know working was right for you?
When I went back to work, I forgot how much I liked my career until I actually went back to it. I get to use my gifts and serve a lot of people.
Who watches your child?
My child is in kindergarten. After school, the after school care staff watches him for 2 hours.
How was the transition?
I went back three years ago and the transition started off roughly. I had to learn to go to bed earlier and I also had to tweak my FT work hours to PT for the majority of the year (while still being considered a FT employee).
Any advice?
Find something in your field part-time and stay part-time until your youngest is about 7. Eventually, most women want to get back to FT and if you have been working PT, it's much easier to get back in versus not working at all during "the gap".
OP: DO NOT feel guilty about your feelings. They are pefectly valid. Like a few PPs said, it seems to me that your H's job and schedule are taking priority over yours right now. If he could make more time to take care of the kids so you can have some time to yourself, would this change how you feel about going back to work? (IMHO you do seem in need of some "me" time and getting up before dawn to exercise shouldn't be your only option.) As for child care, check out mom's groups and other daycare options. I didn't care for care.com either, but found many good options when it came time to look for child care.
Here are my responses:
I did consider becoming a SAHM after my son was born, but once I got into a routine, I was fine. Now I don't mind working. Plus, I want to get a return on the investment of my college degree. I like contributing financially to the family. We could make it on DH's pay, but we wouldn't live in the house we have now, and most/all of our extras and luxuries wouldn't be possible (e.g., vacations, sending DS to preschool 2 days a week, buying things here and there that we want). Also, we have a fabulous daycare provider who only charges us $175 for our two kids (yes, that does include food), so it is not a large financial burden for us to send our kids to daycare.
My recommendation: Make a list of pros and cons of going back to work, and then decide from there. If the pros outweigh the cons, then update your resume and get on LinkedIn (if you're not already). Maybe you can start out part time to see if working is a good fit you/your work/life balance?
I usually lurk on here but this is how I feel. I struggle because I don't want to work but am the bread winner right now. I just quit my job three weeks ago and start my new job in a week and am very mixed about it - I wish I was more excited but this month at home has been great and I'm sad I have to go back. I tell myself I only have to work for 5 more years and then I can work for DH but that may not be true. I just tell myself that to make it easier to face working. I'm hoping I end up loving my new job. We' ll see.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge: